


Unbidden

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Pain Train, Darth Darcy, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Jealousy, Kylo/Ben POV, Major Character death but not our couple, Mutual Pining, Possessive Behavior, Romance, Slow Burn, Space Virgins, Supreme Dumbass, TLJ Spoilers, Unresolved Sexual Tension, you broke my heart why does my heart still beat for you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-02-15 06:32:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 52
Words: 154,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13025274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: "I'll destroy her," rings in his ears and he's shocked by how shamed he is he ever said those words. He’d meant them, oh how he’d meant them. He’d been lost to his rage and he’d thought he could … he knows now that he could never hurt her.Rey ...Then Kylo pulls himself to his full height. She rejected him. Met his offer with going for a weapon. Like she always does. She always, always strikes first. Shooting at him on Takodana, attempting to on Starkiller Base … she was even the one to ignite her blade in those snowy woods.---Kylo struggles with Rey's rejection and a new threat pushes them together again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another Ben Solo Pain Train! I hope to post a chapter a day for the next 10 days. We'll see how I do.
> 
> Darth Darcy is trying so hard to be all hard after Space Eyre rejected his very fine offer of marriage, ahem galactic domination. But she's just so darned perfect and has such fine eyes.

"I'll destroy her!"

 

Rey falls at his feet, her hands grasping at her throat. But Kylo doesn't stop. He keeps _squeezing_. The Force buzzes in his fingertips and his lips curl into a snarl. Her face goes pale and her eyes plead with him.

 

He doesn't _care_. He _must_ crush the light. The duplicitous _Jedi_. He refuses to again wake up to a saber descending on him.

 

He doesn't even flinch as her movements stop.

 

\---

 

Kylo gasps for air, then calls out, "Rey!"

 

He leaps from his bed, terror and adrenaline riding him hard. His hands rake through his hair and all he can see is her vacant eyes.

 

Dream, dream, it was only a dream. A nightmare. He wants to reach out to her, confirm that she’s safe, but he doesn’t know how to control when he sees her through the Force. Besides … he knows she wouldn’t want to see him. Not now. Not after ...

 

"I'll destroy her," rings in his ears and he's shocked by how shamed he is he ever said those words. He’d meant them, oh how he’d meant them. He’d been lost to his rage and he’d thought he could … he knows now that he could never hurt her.

 

Rey ...

 

Then he pulls himself to his full height. She rejected him. Met his offer with going for a _weapon_. Like she always does. She always, _always_ strikes first. Shooting at him on Takodana, attempting to on Starkiller Base … she was even the one to ignite her blade in those snowy woods.

 

He scoffs into the empty room. Her words had been meaningless. Telling him he wasn’t alone, then throwing all he could give her back in his face. He wonders if she had succeeded in gaining control of Grandfather’s saber, would she have left him with another scar, bleeding on Snoke’s floor or if she would have just killed him?

 

Scrubing his face with his hands, Kylo goes and sits on the edge of his bed looking around his quarters. He supposes he should move to the rooms Snoke kept on all the Star Destroyers, the _Finalizer_ included, but the thought of using the same space as his very dead master makes his skin crawl.

 

It’s so quiet in his head now. He hadn’t … he hadn’t understood how frequently Snoke whispered in his thoughts and he finds the emptiness … trying. He hasn’t even begun to untangle what it means that his mind wasn’t his own for as long as he can remember. He just knows everything is more difficult now. Shouldn’t it be easier? But instead he’s plagued with doubt in a way he never was before.

 

Snoke was always there to assure his conviction. He has to push away the temptation to attempt to unravel the skeins of his history. He would be here regardless. Wouldn’t he?

 

It certainly wasn’t Snoke who abandoned him to _Luke Skywalker_ or tried to take his life while he was sleeping. No … Snoke’s influence just made it easier to bear. But it is unsettling to find he wavers more now.

 

While Snoke was alive, he realizes the whispers only truly stopped when he was with … dammit, he has to stop thinking about her. She’s nothing. She didn’t want him. He shouldn’t waste a moment on that _scavenger_.

 

Kylo goes to his viewport and looks out on the stars, his expression blank and his heart bleak.

 

\---

 

He strides onto the bridge, attempting to shake the lack of sleep from his limbs. He should be used to it by now. The brief respite he’d found when he and Rey first … no, he won’t think about that.

 

There is brief satisfaction in watching Hux school his expression into something other than scorn. He might be shredded to pieces inside, but he takes a grim delight in putting the ginger irritant in his place. Frequently. He has years of frustration to excise—now that he can finally do what he’s always wanted. A day hasn’t gone by since Crait that he hasn’t found a reason to Force choke Hux.

 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux says in false deference. He wonders if Snoke was right, does Hux truly have his uses? He’s beginning to think that Grandfather had the right idea when it comes to generals.

 

“What is it, Hux?” he asks wearily. He finds most of what the supercilious lackey brings to his attention to be useless or simply _annoying_.

 

“There is the matter of selecting the commanding officer of the _Tarkin_ , I left several promising candidates on your datapad.”

 

Kylo only just manages to keep from rolling his eyes. “Hux, I leave that to you.”

 

There is a gleam in Hux’s eyes as he says, “Yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

Kylo notes the time and knows he should go to bed, but there’s a new lead on the Resistance that’s just come through. He scans the report … new allies … Outer Rim … _Leia Organa_. But … he _saw_ her die, how …

 

Shakily, he sits and the datapad slips from his fingers, clattering onto the durasteel. His mo- Leia Organa is alive? He hadn’t wanted to reach for her, to truly _know_. He’d swiftly pulled away from that wound in the Force where he used to find her when he’d sensed her on the Resistance ship. He’s refused to think on it since. He’d locked it away in the same place he keeps Han Solo.

 

He’s pulled into an unwanted memory, the way _that woman_ would always check on him through the Force when he was at school, before she’d sent him away. Every afternoon he would feel a warm brush of affection, like the sun on his face.

 

She was on Crait … He’d nearly … It doesn’t matter. _Kill it if you have to_.

 

He clenches his eyes briefly and breathes in deeply. Focus. This changes nothing. He pulls the datapad to him with the Force and begins to read again. He’ll end the Resistance once and for all. He doesn’t need anything as sentimental as these _attachments_ that beckon so seductively.

 

He flinches as Rey’s hazel eyes flit through his mind.

 

\---

 

His saber feels good in his hand as he twists and turns through his training regimen. He’s training hard tonight, hoping to exhaust himself enough to keep the dreams at bay. Kylo can’t decide which are worse, the ones where he hurts her or the ones where he most decidedly does _not_. They both leave him quaking and terrified.

 

He arcs his vibrant red blade through the air and nearly doesn’t stop in time when he finds Rey right in front of him. Swiftly, he switches off his saber. He hates how much it scared him to think of slicing through her. He should want to see her dead.

 

Rey takes a quick step back from him and looks him up and down. Then she averts her eyes and turns away from him. Her body is stiff.

 

His mind is blank and he just looks at her. Her hair has changed, having a glossy sheen and twisted in a complex style. His lip curls as he recognizes his _mother’s_ handiwork.

 

He should ignore her, as she’s clearly planning to do with him, but he can never control himself around her. “Why are you here?” he murmurs.

 

Her shoulders shrug slightly.

 

Slowly, he approaches her. He’s ashamed to see his hand is shaking as he reaches for her. His fingertips just brush the fabric of her vest when she whirls.

 

“No!” Her face twists in anger.

 

He huffs out a laugh with no mirth. “Ah. I see, _you_ are angry at _me_ when it really should be the other way around.”

 

“What?” she spits indignantly. “ _You_ chose the dark side, after everything we shared, _angry with you_ doesn’t even begin to cover it!”

 

He wishes she wasn’t so beautiful. “I offered you everything! _Everything_ and you left me unconscious! I saved your life! I killed my _master_ for you!” He takes a step towards her and she pulls herself back.

 

“No, you did that for yourself. You wanted to be free of him, I know you did. Luke told me how he twisted you, Leia said it was since you were a baby!”

 

“You know _nothing_ about it,” he snarls, even as he knows she speaks some truth. Perhaps he would have killed Snoke one day. But he’d needed to save her in a primal, savage way that he still doesn’t understand. But he’s not about to explain himself to her. Not after what she did.

 

“Ben, I know this isn’t you, I know it!” she pleads.

 

“You know _nothing_ about me. And clearly, I know nothing about you. You told me I wasn’t alone … that was obviously a lie.” He hates how wounded he sounds. But he’d thought … he’d believed … Stupid. Foolish. Everyone betrays him, he should know that by now.

 

Her face shifts from anger to anguish and he sees tears forming in her eyes. He despises the urge to comfort her.

 

“I … it wasn’t a lie.”

 

Kylo scoffs derisively.

 

“No … it wasn’t … can’t you see I can’t be by your side if this is what you choose. What you’ve chosen.” She looks at the floor and he sees sadness seeping from her.

 

His heart quickens at the thought of having her with him, truly with him. Together they could do so much for the galaxy … so much for each other. But he brutally pushes that thought away. He won’t make the same mistake. He won’t debase himself by begging. Again.

 

He regards her coldly. “Then we are at an impasse. Leave. Don’t come back.”

 

Rey looks at him in confusion. “I … I don’t know how. I don’t know what happens, why sometimes you’re there and sometimes you’re not.” Her voice is small and lost.

 

Damn. She’s right. He has no idea how to push her away. His jaw tightens as he bites back all his sense of betrayal and consuming devotion. He wishes she would go back to wherever she came from.

 

He can’t stand everything she stokes in him. How his fingertips burn with the memory of that fleeting touch. Nothing had ever felt like that and he’s embarrassed by how desperate he is to feel it again. He curls his hands into fists in an attempt to chase away the rising need to reach for her. Maker, why can’t he just hate her?

 

The silence stretches. Her hands flail and she looks around furtively. “What … what did Snoke do to us?”

 

Kylo shakes his head. This, this is safe. He can keep this clinical. “Nothing. If it was him, it would have died when he did. Besides … I felt … _something_ before he knew of your Force sensitivity. I believe … I believe we did it ourselves. On Starkiller Base.”

 

Her questing expression morphs into fury. “You mean when you pushed into my mind?!”

 

Why is everything always his fault? “Or when you pushed into mine!” he yells.

 

“Oh no, you’re the one who kidnapped me and tried to break into my head!” She stabs her finger at him and oh it irritates him.

 

“I had to! You had the map-”

 

“Just stop.” Her shoulders fall and her hot anger bleeds out, leaving a perplexing sadness. “You’re so twisted,” she says forlornly and then she’s gone.

 

Kylo howls an inarticulate bellow of rage and pain. She doesn’t want him but he cannot be rid of her. She’ll always be there. Judging him. Pushing him. Questioning him. _Tempting_ him.

 

Tonight will be hell.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Darth Darcy's state of mind right after being rejected and then he keeps lying to himself. He hates the scavenger. He does. Really! The Resistance finds new allies and Space Eyre tries to have a proper conversation. Darth Darcy pulls away, still too keen on licking his wounds.

_Before_

 

What … where is he? His whole body aches, like after Snoke disciplines him. Did he fail? Again? He feels the smooth floor of Snoke’s hall and his eyes crack open to confirm his location. He’s quite familiar with this gleaming surface. Then he senses ...

 

His eyes snap fully open to see … Hux? No, that doesn’t make any sense. Rey, where is Rey?! Wait. She … she tried … oh Maker, _no_ … she was going to try to kill him. Just like Unc- _Skywalker_. She’d … she’d … she’d …

 

Then he fully takes in Hux’s expression and he knows he has to think fast. Snoke is dead. At his hand. No. Not at his hand. The girl. The girl did it. That’s the story he’ll tell. He suppresses a groan as he leaps to his feet.

 

\---

 

He can barely think through the storm of rage propelling him forward. The girl. No one. Nothing. She _dared_ reject him? He’d offered her _everything_ and she’d bared her teeth and tried to kill him.

 

He’s in his shuttle as they descend on Crait. The whispers of ‘Supreme Leader Ren’ had flown so fast. He wishes he could find satisfaction in his ascension. But all he can think of is how yet another person he lo-cares, _cared_ about wanted to slice him through.

 

It’s possible all his blood has been replaced with pure fury. He will end this. He will destroy everything his _family_ built. Then he’ll find Skywalker and take his head like he’d sought to take Kylo’s own. This last remnant will put it all to rest. Finally to rest. He will move forward, create something new and true and lasting. He, Kylo Ren, will finally finish what Vader started.

 

_Now_

 

“I’m not talking to you. You’ll disappear eventually,” she says snidely when she pops in front of him as he’s at his desk in his chambers. He’d done away with the ridiculous ostentation Snoke had preferred. No throne or dais for Supreme Leader Ren.

 

“Fine, it’s not as if I particularly wish to speak with you, either,” he responds. He goes back to his map of the Jentesh system. But he can barely keep his eyes off of her. He tries to focus anywhere but her face, hoping she won’t notice his regard.

 

His eyes land on her hands, stars, he can never stop imagining her _hands_. Twined with his. In his hair. On his body … he closes his eyes tightly, willing these thoughts—and _her—_ away when he hears her growl.

 

Attempting to keep his expression placid, he meets her eyes. She’s glaring at him like she had on Starkiller Base and he doesn’t even try to suppress his snort. If she’s going to just appear he certainly isn’t going to bother to hide his scorn. His hurt …

 

“You think this is a game?” she shouts.

 

“Hardly,” he says blandly.

 

“I know what you did on Crait,” she accuses.

 

“That was days ago, why bring it up now?” he asks with a wave of his hand. He refuses to give in to the need to _please_ her.

 

“Because there were other things to talk about last time. Like how you threw it all away. I’d never known I could …” She purses her lips and shakes her head. “No, I’m not getting sidetracked. Why couldn’t you have just let them get away? How could less than a hundred people threaten the _mighty_ First Order?” she asks sarcastically.

 

“The Resistance is the enemy. The First Order is not in the business of _mercy_.” _No quarter. No prisoners._

 

“You disgust me,” she spits, her revulsion plain on her face.

 

He doesn’t manage to suppress the flinch in time and he’s suddenly filled with anger that she knows she scored a hit.

 

“Yes, well, you _lied_ to me,” he snarls.

 

“You led the attack! On your own mother!”

 

“Of course I did! I am the Supreme Leader,” he bellows.

 

A sickened frown pulls at her lips. “Oh Ben … why? How could you do that to Leia?”

 

“I didn’t know!” he bursts out.

 

“What?” she asks, her confusion plain.

 

“I didn’t know she was there. I thought she was already dead. I thought she died on the Resistance cruiser. There, happy? Am I less of a _monster_ now?” he sneers.

 

Bright pain blooms across her face and her eyes are … haunted. But before she responds, she’s gone.

 

He flings his datapad across the room, not at all calmed by the shattering sound. He’s breathing hard and he jumps up from his desk. He paces wildly back and forth.

 

How dare she! How dare she judge him. She’s nothing. A nobody. What does she know about leading? This is war! She would have had a say if she’d just stayed …

 

And with that, the frantic energy flows out of him and he slumps back in his chair. His head falls forward into his hands and he is horrified to find his eyes stinging in frustration. Why does he still _want_ her like this? What is _wrong_ with him?

 

He’s never been with a woman, never touched anyone outside of familial and platonic interactions. But _this_ woman. _This_ woman _inflames_ him. Nights are full of tortured visions of heat and skin. Days are full of wrestling himself into a place of almost hate. But it always slides out of view, slipping through his fingers. Fingers that always itch to touch her.

 

What is he going to do?

 

\---

 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux says as he enters Kylo’s chambers.

 

“What is it, Hux?”

 

“We’ve just had word. The Resistance has found allies with the Atalyns. They’ve been neutral up until this new development.”

 

Atalyn, Outer Rim, of course. Fairly insular, peaceful society. It’s an … odd direction for this conflict to take. But now he knows … he knows where _she_ is. Godsdammit, why does he _care_?

 

“My understanding was that barely two dozen rebels survived. Is this a genuine threat?”

 

Hux blinks. “I would have assumed, given your … performance on Crait that you would desire to wipe them out completely. Sir.”

 

He knows Hux is right. He should want to hunt the Resistance to extinction. He knows his history. The First Order rose because the Republic didn’t have the stomach to eradicate the remnants of the Empire. He refuses to examine the source of his hesitance.

 

Not bothering to look up from his datapad, Kylo says, “Monitor the situation. Bring me details. Have they only provided shelter? Or are they growing? Rearming? I won’t divert resources until we know it’s a credible threat.”

 

When his order is not met with acquiescence, Kylo looks up to find Hux standing stiffly with eyes narrowed.

 

Kylo raises his hand threateningly and Hux rushes to say, “Yes, sir!”

 

“And Skywalker? Any new leads?”

 

“No, nothing. Perhaps if we re-captured the girl-”

 

“Dismissed,” Kylo says, cutting him off with a clipped tone. He knows if he had her truly in front of him … he can’t finish the thought.

 

“But, sir, she knows-”

 

This time he does choke Hux. Hard.

 

“ _Dismissed_ ,” Kylo hisses.

 

Hux staggers from his chambers.

 

\---

 

His eyes flutter closed as she trails her fingers along his cheek, leaving sparks of pleasure in their wake. Stars, when she touches him … he doesn’t possess the words to explain what it does to him.

 

He pulls her to him, her body flush with his and he shudders from all of the contact. Nuzzling against her neck, he hums contentedly. Oh Rey …

 

\---

 

Abruptly he wakes, sensing ... _something_. He looks around his bedroom quickly, finding Rey watching him, her eyes wide.

 

The light is low, and her face is framed in shadows. He’s having trouble shaking the sensations from his dream. He’d just been _holding_ her and he’s not in any sort of state to do this right now. He loathes her. He _tries_ to loathe her. But his dreams, they make him see the lies he tells himself and he’s just not ready for this!

 

Burying all the soft feelings she inspires, he tries to make his expression cold. For one mad moment he longs for his mask. For years he hasn’t had to concern himself with what his overly-expressive face conveys. He knows there’s nothing he can do about his eyes and he hopes she hasn’t learned his tells.

 

He throws off his blanket and stands in front of her. He suddenly remembers he’s only in his sleeping pants and realizes he’s partially hard from his dream. It’s too late to hide. All he can manage is to hope she doesn’t notice in the dim light. He won’t draw attention to his embarrassing state by covering himself.

 

She’s holding herself tightly and her eyes are still huge with _something_. It’s not quite fear. Surprise, perhaps.

 

“What?” he asks shortly.

 

She looks away swiftly and he just manages to make out the blush staining her cheeks.

 

“What?” he repeats in exasperation.

 

Rey clears her throat and her eyes flit to his for just a moment. “My name. You … you murmured it in your sleep.”

 

Oh for the love of … his dreams aren’t even safe from her? Thank the Force he hadn’t moaned it the way he had in his dream.

 

“And?” he challenges.

 

“I … just … why?”

 

“That’s none of your business,” he says shortly.

 

“It’s _my_ name!”

 

“And it was _my_ dream. You have no right to anything about me, not after _what you did_.”

 

She sighs deeply and closes her eyes, frowning. She stays like that for a long moment. When she opens her eyes, there is a naked pain that cuts him.

 

“I’ve been thinking about that. Trying to see it from your perspective. I … I see that you might have thought, when I reached for the lightsaber, that I was turning on you … betraying you.”

 

He rushes towards her, towering over her smaller from. “You. Did,” he snarls. Then he cocks his head. “You still wanted to kill me, after everything, what we felt … what I _thought_ we felt …”

 

She shrinks away slightly, but holds her ground. She lifts her chin defiantly. “And what did you do? You made it impossible for me to stay with you! How do you think that made _me_ feel? Power means more to you than what we … what we had.” Her arms tighten around her torso and the anguish in her tone makes him want to find a way through all of this but he knows that’s only folly.

 

“I’ve known you such a short time. You truly expected me to throw my entire purpose away, just like that?” He has to shake his head to clear away the sudden vision of being back with his mother, Rey by his side. He does _not_ want that.

 

Rey’s face crumples. “I … I’d never felt anything like how you make … _made_ me feel. I thought … I thought .... Well obviously I was mistaken.” Then she turns her back to him and he’s absolutely gutted to see her shoulders shake. She’s crying. He doesn’t want that, but he’ll be damned if he’ll comfort her.

 

He’d never felt anything like how she makes him feel, either … but he can’t tell her that. He won’t give her one more inch. He has to find a way to make his heart cold to her. This is interminable.

 

Deciding to ignore her until she disappears, he goes back to his bed, laying down, turning away from her.

 

He wishes he couldn’t hear her quiet sobs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Chapter 3 tomorrow! Please let me know what you think, it absolutely keeps me writing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy considers that maybe letting your ex cry while you just ignore her is maybe a dick move. Then they have a moment of connection. And of course, Darth Darcy realizes that Space Eyre is around other men and handles that about as well as you'd expect.

Kylo wakes with heavy regret pressing on his chest. Last night, he'd just laid there listening to her cry for what felt like _hours_ , though it was likely only minutes. When she'd finally disappeared, he'd been both relieved and profoundly disappointed.

 

He'd struggled so hard with himself to keep from saying something. Trying to explain why he _had_ to follow his path. All of it would have been for _nothing_ if he'd turned his back on his purpose. His mission. His _legacy_. Han Solo’s death would have been for _nothing_.

 

When she'd finally returned to her own head, he'd felt such loss. Like he'd missed an essential opportunity. But he still can't divine what that opportunity was.

 

\---

 

She’s focused on something. Rey hasn’t noticed him yet. She’s sitting with her chin propped up with one hand, her elbow resting on her knee. Then she reaches out and it’s as if she’s turning a page. He’s utterly enraptured by how her face _glows_.

 

He decides, for only this moment, he will indulge himself. He won’t fight with his feelings. He’s going to just let himself have this. The castigation will come later, he knows, but right now he’s simply too tired and, Force, he _misses_ her.

 

Leaning against the wall of his chambers, he settles in to watch. Perhaps she’ll never notice him if he’s quiet and doesn’t move. Then she smiles and almost strokes whatever she’s reading. Then her little pink tongue darts out to moisten her lips and it takes all of his control to keep from groaning.

 

Her skin is luminous and he wonders if it’s as soft as his mind supplies when he dreams of her. He can feel the heat rise in his cheeks as he remembers the dream he’d had earlier in the week, just before waking.

 

She’d been in his arms and he’d been kissing up her throat, licking and nibbling, _tasting_ her. She’d felt _so good_ against him. He’d woken harder than he can ever remember, and it had taken a very long and icy shower to calm him down. If he’s honest with himself, he’s beginning to think he’ll have to take himself in hand soon.

 

He avoids that as much as possible. Years of having Snoke in his head had made that particular activity beyond shameful. Snoke had only remarked on it once, but it had been enough to stay him the next time he’d felt the need, and many times after. _Really, my young apprentice, don’t you have better things to do with your time than fondle yourself?_

 

The memory alone is enough to make him stand forward quickly, ensuring she’ll notice him. He can’t … He won’t just watch her like an infatuated adolescent. He never should have given into the weakness she pulls from him so easily. But he still feels a pang of regret when her easy bearing gives way to guarded animosity.

 

Her hands move as if snapping a book shut and she looks at him coldly. Then her shoulders drop and she just looks … weary.

 

Neither of them say anything, just looking at each other. She blinks slowly and the usual sharp sense of betrayal isn’t snaking through his chest. He just feels a bleak sadness that the warm sharing they’d found together is now well beyond their grasp.

 

He finds he wants to talk to her. Tell her how tedious he’s finding leading truly to be. He has everything he’s ever thought he wanted and it means _nothing_. Without her.

 

The time stretches, and he feels just a bit of the blessed calm he’d only ever experienced with her. She fits all his tattered edges. He wonders if she feels it, too. _Why, Rey, why couldn’t you have at least tried?_ He almost voices the question, but his throat is too tight.

 

Her eyes are so gentle and sad. Finally he swallows thickly past the anguish wrapped around his throat.

 

“What were you reading?” he asks softly. Just this once he won’t lead with his hurt.

 

Her lips purse. “I … I’m not sure I should tell you,” she responds hesitantly.

 

“Hmm, alright then.” He leans back against the wall, keeping his posture open. He knows he probably shouldn’t be attempting to recapture their closeness. He can never trust her again. But … he just _needs_ her.

 

She looks down and her hand smooths over what he presumes is the book she was studying. That it was clearly a book and not a datapad intrigues him. Paper books are rare.

 

“I … I don’t suppose it could hurt. It’s an old Jedi text,” she says carefully.

 

He stiffens immediately. Of course. She’s returned to Skywalker. Suddenly his fury is right back where it always is and he snarls, “Ran back to my _uncle_ after leaving me?”

 

Her face changes instantly, her expression closing and her eyes gleam with rage. “Like you don’t know,” she says snidely.

 

“The old fraud still refusing to teach you?” _I would have taught you. So many things._

 

Rey’s eyes narrow and that oh so familiar expression of disgust mars her frustratingly lovely features. “You really don’t know? Didn’t you _feel_ it?”

 

“Feel what, exactly?”

 

“He’s dead!”  

 

Kylo’s eyes widen. “What?” A desperately confusing set of feelings rises in him. Elation. Loss. Grief …

 

“He died protecting us, from you!” She’s on her feet now.

 

“He was a _coward_. Wouldn’t even face me properly. You know what he did. I deserved to have my vengeance!” he hisses.

 

Rey closes her eyes tightly, pain roiling off her in waves. “I know … I know, Ben.”

 

He shouldn't let her call him that. But something in him almost sighs in comfort every time she does.

 

“What happened, what he _did_ … it was awful. I can’t imagine how betrayed you felt. How betrayed you _were_. I’m so sorry.”

 

For the briefest of moments he wants to open up to her again, talk about all that’s inside him. But then he remembers the _numerous_ times she’s tried to kill him.

 

Kylo snorts. “Like you care.”

 

“I do! You know I do!” she says pleadingly.

 

“Then why, Rey, why did you _leave_ me? You said you’d help me,” he whispers, cringing at how pathetic and needy he sounds.

 

She breathes in deeply and her eyes are swimming with heartache. Slowly she moves closer to him, until she’s just scant inches away. She looks up into his face. “I didn’t leave _you_ , Ben. I left … I left who you’re choosing to be. I left Kylo Ren.”

 

He should correct her. Tell her that he _is_ Kylo Ren. Tell her that Ben Solo is dead. Tell her that she was lying to herself about who he is. But she’s so close and he … he can’t.

 

He breathes in sharply when he sees her hand start to raise slightly. Her fingers tremble as she brings them to his face. She pauses for a moment, her hand hovering. So close, so close. His blood is thundering in his ears and all he can think is, please, _please_ touch me. Then she gently presses her hand against his cheek.

 

Oh gods, his whole body hums with connection and he can’t help but whimper and lean his face into her hand. They stand like that, with their eyes locked and he wants to pull her close, but he’s frozen by what it feels like to again feel her touch.

 

If touching fingertips had left him shaken and needful, this, this _engulfs_ him. It’s beyond pleasure. It is an intimacy he simply could never have fathomed. He can _feel_ how she cares through her hand.

 

“Oh, Rey …”

 

Then his comm goes off and Rey snatches her hand back, startled. She backs away, shaking herself and then she’s gone. The last thing he’d seen was sheer terror in her eyes.

 

\---

 

Once he’d calmed down from their most recent interaction, Kylo decides to walk the bridge. He needs to distract himself. Remind himself what he’s doing. His purpose. He is the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He is not Ben Solo, and he’s certainly not in lo—doesn’t care about some garbage picker from Force forsaken _Jakku_.  

 

It doesn’t matter what it feels like when their skin touches. She’s his enemy. That is all she’ll ever be.

 

He strides onto the bridge and takes a certain satisfaction from the expanse of gleaming durasteel and efficient officers. He wanders, not really looking at anything in particular.

 

Skywalker is dead. He’s not surprised he didn’t feel his death through the Force. The first thing he’d done after the temple was to close himself off from his duplicitous _uncle_. Naively, he’d thought Skywalker would come after him, but instead he’d just run away.

 

He doesn’t know how to feel, now that the man is dead. He’s furious that he wasn’t the one to take Skywalker’s life. But … he can’t help but wonder what it’s done to Leia Organa. Why does he keep having these sorts of thoughts? He’d mercilessly pushed away all thoughts of _that woman_ for years, but now it’s as if Rey has awoken something in him that he wishes would just go back to sleep.

 

Distraction, right, that’s why he’s here. He must get control of his thoughts. He decides that tormenting Hux is exactly what he needs right now.

 

Quietly he approaches the irritating general until he’s looming over the sycophant. Hux whirls swiftly, almost running into Kylo.

 

“Sir! What did you need?” Hux asks suspiciously.

 

“Why, nothing, General. I simply wanted to see that everything was running ... smoothly.”

 

Hux sniffs imperiously. “Always, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Hmmm.” Kylo runs his gloved hand along a console, as if inspecting for dust, which of course would never be found.

 

Hux’s eyes narrow.

 

“General, is there any progress with learning the precise situation with the Resistance on Atalyn?” Kylo queries.

 

“At present it seems that that Atalyns are merely providing them with minimal support. Lodging and whatnot. However, they’ve begun to make contact with other systems. Thus far, no one is providing any further assistance.”

 

“I see.” Perhaps they will simply die on the vine and no further action will need to be taken. Or … he could go and bring Rey back to him … perhaps in time he could convince her? No. No! She made her choice, rejected him utterly. He won’t give her another chance to demean him.

 

“Continue to monitor the situation,” Kylo instructs.

 

“Sir, Leia Organa is very convincing. Allowing her to spread her poison does not seem … prudent.”

 

“General Hux, I do not care to repeat myself.”

 

Hux scowls but says, “Yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

He’s on his way back to his quarters when he nearly runs straight into Rey in a thankfully vacant hall.

 

She’s smiling brightly and it hurts that she’s never smiled like that at him. “That’s really great,” she says to someone he can’t see. “I’m so happy for you, Finn!”

 

FN-2187? She’s talking to the _traitor_? “Get away from him!” Kylo snarls before he even considers it, advancing on her.

 

“Uhm, I’m sorry, I … I uh forgot something back in my room,” she says shakily to her _companion_ , her eyes locked on Kylo’s.

 

Kylo can’t hear the other half of the conversation and his jaw clenches, absolute hatred for the traitor running through him like wildfire.

 

“Yeah, I know, I’ll be there soon. I just have to go … uh, okay?” She’s holding herself awkwardly and panic is flaring from her wildly.

 

He circles her. “Get. Away. From. Him,” Kylo hisses into her ear. If she left him only to go to the traitor he’s going to blow Atalyn out of the sky. His hands curl into fists. His nails would cut into his palms if it wasn’t for his gloves.

 

“Bye!” she says as she’s rushing away and he watches her seem to close a door. He follows her swiftly.

 

He’s on her in a moment, not touching her, but crowding her with his much larger frame. “You will _not_ talk to the traitor!” he commands.

 

“You don’t get to tell me what to do,” she spits. “Finn is my _friend_ and I’ll talk to him whenever I please!”

 

“Is he why? Is he why you wouldn’t join me? Did you leave me for a _stormtrooper_?” he asks bitterly.

 

“What? No! No, _you_ made it impossible. It wasn’t anything to do with anyone but you!” Her hands are at her hips and her eyes are flashing with fire. “It’s not … it’s not like that with Finn, anyway. It never was.”

 

“Like what? What exactly is it like?”

 

“He’s my friend. My first friend. But that’s all. And it’s really none of your business anyway.”

 

“Oh yes it is. You are absolutely my business,” he growls.

 

“You lost that right when you chose the dark side!”

 

His lips twist in frustrated, impotent rage. She’s right. He’s spent countless hours telling himself that she’s nothing to him, but the searing sense of possession had taken him over completely. He sees that he’s being irrational but he can’t get a handle on the jealousy that’s simmering just under his skin.

 

Suddenly he realizes that she’s with people. All the time. _Men_. Men who aren’t him. What if she … oh Maker, what if she … found someone? The thought shakes him to his core and his rage is replaced with soul-deep fear. He’s not sure he’d survive seeing her with someone else.

 

He takes a step back, breathing hard. She just looks at him.

 

Tightly, Kylo says, “You’re right. I have no claim on you.” Something in the Force clangs discordantly, as if whatever is between them is reacting to the utter wrongness of his words.

 

“You bet you don’t! If you’d wanted me, all you had to do was come with _me_.”

 

“ _If_ I’d wanted you? _If_? Don’t you know? I want you, oh make no mistake about that, Rey. It’s you that didn’t want _me_.”

 

“How could you think that? How could you possibly? Just because I can’t go where you’re headed doesn’t … it didn’t change my feelings,” she says brokenly. “Please, Ben. It’s not too late. Come to me. We can be together,” she begs.

 

He knows he can’t. He knows he _won’t_. But for a brief moment he lets himself revel in the knowledge that she _does_ want him.

 

Then her head cocks in reaction to something. “Someone’s here.”

 

“Where is here?”

 

“My room. Look … I can’t talk to you when others are around. They’ll think I’m insane. Just … please stay quiet until the … connection fades?”

 

He doesn’t like being told what to do, but he realizes that if she just popped up in the midst of a meeting he’d need the same from her. He sighs and nods.

 

She opens her door. “Hi Rose.” There’s a pause as this _Rose_ speaks. Then Rey says, “Yes, I’m going to be at dinner, please tell Poe that I’ll-” And then she’s gone.

 

It takes him a moment to process what he’s heard. Poe? Poe _Dameron_? He survived? Of course he did. And he’s having dinner with Rey?

 

Poe Dameron, that _thief_. Stealing his father’s attention, his mother’s regard. And now, now he will be with Rey. _His_ Rey!

 

Kylo screams, “No!” Then his saber is in his hand. He doesn’t stop hacking the wall until he’s broken through to the other side.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm blown away by the response to this fic! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, kudo, comment. It really inspires me. I try to respond to all comments, but I'm having to prioritize writing right now so I can keep posting daily. I will write back to everyone though, I promise! It will just take some time.
> 
> You are all so kind to me. Thank you.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for feeding me while I write like the wind!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy tries to drown his sorrows and is finally relatively honest with himself and Space Eyre. Then it turns out Interstellar Frollo is still causing problems from beyond the grave. We wrap up with a moment of peace for our star-crossed lovers.

Kylo sits in his rooms, brooding. He’s in his chair, hunched low. His tunic is half open and his hair disheveled. He flings back his fifth drink. It’s not helping. All he can see is Dameron’s hands all over her. Touching her perfect skin.

 

He growls and leans forward, snagging the bottle of _Corellian_ brandy, sloppily refilling his glass. Of course he had to punish himself by selecting that _particular_ spirit. The brown liquid sloshes over as he fills it to the brim. He gulps it down greedily, hoping for oblivion.

 

He rarely drinks. Snoke frowned on it. But Snoke is bloody well dead. Kylo giggles slightly. “I’m so disappointed in you, _my young apprentice_ ,” he mimics. Then he grimaces. “At least you’re really gone, you creepy old bastard. No Force ghosts for the dark side!” he gleefully remarks.

 

Taking another drink, he smacks his lips. “Oh, Rey … we would have been so happy,” he slurs.

 

It’s sinfully easy to imagine her her with him. Black silk skimming her curves. He’d drape her in jewels, his gorgeous Jedi princess … Wait, _no_ , not Jedi. He hates them. Right, he hates _her_. Doesn’t he?

 

Of course he does. She’s off with the _Best Pilot in the Resistance_. He’s probably tangling his hands in her hair right now. Oh, Force, what if he’s kissing her? _Tasting_ her? The images are coming so fast now. What if … what if he takes her to bed? It’s such a torturous thought. Partially because he doesn’t really know what it would be like …

 

Hell. He’s getting maudlin. He much prefers rage. For those few days, as they’d learned each other, he’d indulged in such fantasies. He’d hoped … he’d wanted … His eyes clench shut. He knows all about wanting.

 

He’s not sure he can take it, this not knowing what she’s doing. What if the next time their strange link brings her to him while she’s with _him_. What if they’re … oh, Maker, he’s going to be sick. Just the idea of seeing her moaning while that arrogant ass makes her his is enough to turn his stomach.

 

Abruptly he goes to his feet, swaying unsteadily. “I’ll kill him,” he says to the empty room. “If he touches her, I’ll kill him.” That makes him feel a bit better and he grins stupidly. “That’s it, I’ll just kill anyone who touches her.”

 

He slumps back into his chair, satisfied with his solution. He just has to remember in the morning …

 

Then he blinks confusedly because he thinks he might be seeing Rey. But she’s a bit fuzzy.

 

“Ben?” she asks hesitantly.

 

“Rey! Beautiful _Rey_ ,” he croons.

 

She blinks rapidly. “I … are you … are you drunk?”

 

He thinks for a moment and looks at his empty glass. Finally he nods once. “Yes, yes I think I finally am. Takes a bit for me, you know.”

 

“Well, yeah, you’re huge.” Then her eyes bulge out of her head as her hand flies to her mouth.

 

He snickers. “You’re so cute,” he says affectionately.

 

Rey purses her lips. “Ben, what’s … why are you drunk?”

 

He glowers and spits, “Dameron. Touching you. Touching what’s _mine_.”

 

“ _Excuse_ me?” she says indignantly.

 

“Putting his filthy hands all over you. Kissing you. Couldn’t take it,” he mumbles.

 

“Leaving aside the whole ‘mine’ comment, what exactly are you talking about?”

 

“You said you were having dinner with him! Left me, off on some date …” he trails off.

 

“First of all, I don’t know why you think there’s something between me and Poe, but I barely know him. But beyond that, you _really_ have to stop saying I left you. I didn’t leave you!”

 

“Right, just rejected everything I offered you. Including me,” he snarls.

 

She actually shrieks and then says, “No! You utter _idiot_. That is _not_ what happened. You asked me to be some sort of insane evil overlord of the galaxy with you. It’s not like you gave me a lot of options. I am _sick_ of arguing this with you. You went to the _dark side_. I’m not doing that. It doesn’t matter how much I might care about you, but I am not joining the First Order!”

 

He leans forward in his chair and looks up at her in entreaty. “What if you didn’t have to? What if you were just … with me? You don’t have to be part of any of it. Just please, Maker, Rey, I need you. Please, _please_.” Dimly, he remembers that he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t ask again, but right now he doesn’t care.

 

Her eyes flit away and she sighs deeply. Then she’s standing in front of him and her hands go to his shoulders. He doesn’t even hesitate, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her close. He buries his face in her abdomen. “ _Please_ …” he begs against her.

 

She curls around him and oh Force, he thinks he might be dead, because nothing has _ever_ felt so sublime as her arms around him. He feels so safe. He feels _complete_. The howling pain finally stops.

 

Then her hands find his hair and he groans. Her nimble fingers stroke through his mane and he’s not sure he’s ever felt anything so perfect. Can he just stay here forever? She feels so, so good and he just … he needs this. He needs _her_.

 

Then she’s tugging at him, trying to get him to stand. He tightens his arms around her and growls, “No!”

 

“Come on, Ben, we need to get you to bed. You’re … anyway, you need to sleep.”

 

“No!” he repeats, unwilling to let her go.

 

“I know. I _do_ know. I feel it too. But … you’re really, really drunk and … I just … I can’t do this with you when you’re like this. Please, stand up. For me?”

 

He sighs dramatically, but he staggers to his feet. Then he looks down on her and cups her delicate face. “So beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful Rey.”

 

She looks embarrassed and she blushes. He strokes his thumb along her cheek. “Rey, Rey, Rey.”

 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” She slings his arm around her shoulder and stops. “I … I don’t know where the bed is. I can’t see anything but you.”

 

_All I ever see is you_. “Over here,” he directs him to his small bed and glares at it.

 

“What?” she asks.

 

“I hate my bed. I barely fit. Snoke said I should only have what was needed.”

 

Rey’s face grows sad. “Well, you’re free of him. I’m pretty sure the Supreme Leader can have a bigger bed.”

 

“Planning on joining me?” he asks with a waggle of his brows.

 

She rolls her eyes. “Okay, big boy, bed time.” Then she’s pushing him down. She goes to her knees in front of him and starts to take off his boots.

 

He doesn’t like that. She shouldn’t … she shouldn't tend to him. He’s a monster. Isn’t he? “I can do that.”

 

“Shhh, just shut up.” She pulls off his boots, then she’s shoving him back until he’s laying down.

 

He smiles up at her as she pulls the blankets around him. This is so nice. Why can’t she stay? She’s right, he should get a bigger bed.

 

She pushes his hair back from his face and he hums a happy sound. “I like it when you touch me,” he murmurs.

 

“I … I like touching you,” she admits then looks away. “I really hope you don’t remember this,” she grumbles to herself.

 

“Oh, no. I remember every moment I’ve ever had with you, beautiful Rey.”

 

“Stop calling me that,” she snaps.

 

“Okay, sweetheart.”

 

“That is _not_ better,” she says with irritation, but she’s smiling.

 

His eyes flutter closed and he falls asleep with her hand in his hair.

 

\---

 

His head is _pounding_. What the hell happened to him? Then it all comes rushing back, how he’d tried to drown the awful images of _Dameron_ touching Rey.

 

But … then she’d come to him. And … she said nothing had happened. Oh, Force … he’d had her in his arms. Then he remembers how pathetic he’d been. He’d sworn he’d never ask again, but what had he done? Lost control and pleaded with her. Begged her to come to him. She makes him _wretched_.

 

He growls as he untangles himself from the blankets. His head swims but he refuses to give in to it. He stalks to his ‘fresher.

 

Never again. _Never_ again.

 

\---

 

“We have a problem, Supreme Leader,” Hux says with a smugness that immediately has Kylo on alert.

 

“Yes?” He’s sitting in his chambers and hopes whatever it is will require violence to handle. He desperately needs something to pull him out of his own head.

 

“It would appear that the majority of the First Order’s assets have been frozen.”

 

Assets? He hadn’t even thought about that. “What?” he asks dumbly.

 

Hux smiles with an officious satisfaction. “Apparently, Supreme Leader _Snoke_ was the main source of our backing. A thousand years is a great deal of time to … invest. With his death, and no instructions, the Lyrelli are not inclined to release the funds.”

 

The Lyrelli, the banking consortium. This … this is bad.

 

“I’m sure if we surround their planet they’ll think better of it.”

 

“Canon fire does not solve everything, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Doesn’t it?”

 

“No. If we use force, the other sources of funding will dry up … quickly. Our esteemed former leader was not our only source of backing, simply the bulk of it. At present, we can continue to operate as we are for three months. If we move against the Lyrelli, we’ll have nothing.”

 

Kylo snarls and slams his fist into his desk, his nostrils flaring.

 

“Snoke left nothing about what to do in the event of his death?”

 

“ _Supreme Leader_ Snoke likely did not consider that to be a possibility.”

 

Of course. He’s never known of a more arrogant being. It would be exceptionally easy to berate himself for being so taken in. Without Snoke in his head, the illusions are well and truly shattered. But he doesn’t have time for that.

 

“Leave me.”

 

“But, sir, what will we do?”

 

“Leave me!” Kylo snarls, pushing Hux out of his chambers with the Force. The usual sense of amusement of Hux’s boots skittering along the floor is absent.

 

Right. Three months. He snags his datapad and brings up the Jentesh system. He’d been considering it as a viable next conquest. This just ups the time-table. He begins to review their resources.

 

\---

 

Hours later, he has the makings of a plan. He’s surrounded by datapads and has the holo of the Jentesh system flickering in front of him. It’s just at the edge of the Mid-Rim and fairly isolated. Their defenses are not inconsiderable as they have massive veins of orichalc. They won’t go down without a fight, but Kylo is confident he will succeed.

 

That will keep the First Order going for at least another few months. Plenty of time to solve this crisis.

 

A droid rolls up to him with his dinner and he snags the tray, gesturing to the server to leave. He’s just inspecting what’s on offer this evening when he senses eyes on him. He looks up and finds Rey standing in front of him.

 

His eyes widen. She’s … she’s wearing a _dress_. It’s a pale green, and oh Force, it _clings_. Her hair is piled on her head and delicate filigree dangles from her ears. Something about the earrings make her neck seem impossibly long and his mouth goes dry from the need to kiss along the column of her throat.

 

Why does he _react_ to her like this? It’s as if all his control simply evaporates when she’s near. Or when he thinks of her. Or dreams of her …

 

He clears his throat, remembering his shameful behavior. She’s just looking at him curiously, staying silent. He doesn’t want to do this now, especially not with her looking so tempting. Then his eyes narrow.

 

“Why are you dressed like that?” he asks suspiciously. “I thought you said there was nothing between you and the _pilot_.”

 

Just like that, she goes from an almost open bearing to spitting fire. “This again? I don’t know where you get your delusions, but I am _not_ yours.”

 

Fury ignites in his chest. Something ancient in his bones screams that she _is_ his, he’s hers. But he remembers how he’d begged last night and he tries to make himself agree. They’re nothing to each other.

 

He breathes in deeply. “Fine.”

 

“Look, could we not fight? I have to go to this … event and I really don’t have it in me to go around and around with you.”

 

She seems distressed and he isn’t able to stop himself from asking, “What’s wrong?”

 

She snorts. “It’s not like you can help. Or would even want to.”

 

“You are the one who wished not to fight,” he reminds her.

 

Her shoulders fall. “You’re right. I … I’m sorry. It’s just … I’ve never … I’ve never gone to a … party before. I’m nervous. I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Party?”

 

Her eyes suddenly fill with fear. “I can’t tell you more, not without endangering … look, I just can’t say, alright?”

 

“Alright,” he says calmly, a little flair of hope in his chest that she seems to be turning to him for comfort.

 

“I don’t know how to do this,” she whispers.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Pretend I’m _normal_. I don’t know anything about being around people. I didn’t even know what a _fork_ was. Stars, that was embarrassing.”

 

It all unspools before him, how she’d been raised almost feral. Then he realizes she hadn’t even been raised at all, just hacking a life out of the hell that had been handed to her. He lets himself set his anger aside and just ache for that abandoned little girl.

 

He stands and walks over to her, but not too close. She looks up at him, vulnerability shining in her eyes.

 

“You’ll do fine,” he murmurs.

 

She snorts. “There are so many rules that don’t make any _sense_.” She grabs at the fine fabric of her garment. “I’ve never even worn a dress before.”

 

“You look exquisite.”

 

Her eyes flit to his and that lovely blush he’s growing quite fond of stains her cheeks. “I … thank you,” she mumbles.

 

Nervously, he reaches out and takes her hand and they both inhale sharply at the contact. Even through his gloves it’s _intense_. “Listen. Just ask questions. People love to talk about themselves. It has the added advantage of keeping the focus off of you.”

 

“Is that what you do?”

 

He scoffs. “I’ve not been to a gathering of that sort since I was an adolescent.” He pushes away the knowledge that he’d just given her Leia Organa’s advice. He’d never liked parties, either.

 

“I guess there wasn’t really time between all the tyranny.” She gasps and her expression grows stricken. “I … I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

He shrugs. “It’s true.”

 

She turns to face him fully and takes his other hand. “What are we going to do?” she asks plaintively.

 

He looks down on her, knowing rekindling their intimacy is _dangerous_. But … he can’t deny how much he wants to wrap her in his arms. He draws her to him and holds her close, glorious calm suffusing him. She settles against his chest and the rightness of it all is overwhelming.

 

“I don’t know, Rey … I don’t know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much! Space Cupcakes for everyone! You have spoiled me and kept the muse well fed. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so there will be one more chapter tomorrow and then I'll post when I can. But good news is that I have the week off between Christmas and New Year's, so we'll be back to daily chapters during that time. After that I can promise at least one chapter a week.
> 
> Thank you to Juulna for the Supreme Dumbass tag. That was her nickname for Galactic Idiot and I think it's quite apt.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for leaving lunch for me so I will actually feed myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre hasn't appeared in quite some time and Darth Darcy is beginning to lose his mind. And of course, left on his own for too long, he takes a great big step backwards, as he does. What in the galaxy is the Resistance up to?

He hasn’t seen her in _days_. He tries to tell himself that this is better. He doesn’t want to be bound to some _scavenger_. A scavenger who looked so beautiful in her party dress … No, no, he’s not going to think about _that_.

 

Maybe this connection really was just Snoke’s doing, maybe it simply took some time to fade. The thought makes him physically hurt. He’d never … he’d never see her again.

 

And somehow, he just knows it wasn’t Snoke. He can’t believe anything so … singular could come from such a twisted being. No … it’s something so much more. He’s sure of it. But why hasn’t he seen her in so long?

 

He supposes he might meet her in battle. And perhaps he could bring himself to … no … _no_. He couldn’t. He knows it the way he knows his own face. Much as he wishes it, he knows he could never kill her himself.

 

Damn this weakness. He can’t stop remembering how she’d cautiously brought her arms around his waist and rubbed her cheek against this tunic. He wishes he hadn’t been so drunk when she’d run her fingers through his hair. He only has the sense memory and he wishes he could remember _everything_.

 

Where _is_ she? Has she figured out how to close this connection, this bond? The thought that she’d do such a thing leaves him cold even as he realizes he himself should have at least tried. She’s a serious liability. Why can’t he bring himself to care? He just wants to see her again.

 

But he shouldn’t. She’s part of the Resistance. She’s with _that woman_. He’d seen the evidence woven through her hair. Who else would have made Rey dress in fancy clothes? He’s sure his mother thinks she’s _helping_. Making her even more enticing for others ...

 

Does _she_ know? Has Rey told _her_ of what is between them? He scoffs into his chambers. No, Rey wouldn’t have told her. Leia Organa would be horrified to find that precious, beautiful, _perfect_ Rey was bound to a monster. He should feel that familiar resentment for all of her pets, all of her _protégés_ , but instead he hopes … he hopes she’s assisting Rey. Showing her the way. Giving her the mothering she never received. He slams down on the memories of kind brown eyes.

 

He snarls and stands from his desk. He wants to hurl every piece of furniture against the bulkhead. But he had not enjoyed the humiliation of explaining how he’d destroyed that hallway. He’s the Supreme Leader. He shouldn’t behave like that anymore. But he can’t seem to stop himself, no matter how hard he tries. At least he no longer has to fill out one of Hux’s little forms.

 

He recalls how he’d cornered Mitaka, demanding a larger bed for his quarters. He'd told himself it was simply for his comfort. Oh how frequently he lies to himself.

 

The trembling, insipid man had had the temerity to enquire as to why he didn’t simply move into the Supreme Leader’s quarters. He hadn’t had to even raise his hand, just stared down on the mousy officer. A larger bed had been in his rooms by that evening.

 

Not that it would seem to matter, now.

 

Not that it should have _ever_ mattered.

 

\---

 

“Supreme Leader, I really must insist we discuss the Resistance.”

 

“We already have, Hux,” he says in a bored tone. His eyes keep being drawn to any movement, hoping it’s Rey.

 

“No, you asked that they be monitored. Well, we’ve been _monitoring_. They’re gathering. It would appear that Atalyns have been hosting a series of … social events where the _Princess_ may bend the ears of powerful leaders.”

 

Social events? Was that where Rey had been going? There will be more? More dresses? More _men_? “And has she—have _they_ been successful?” he growls.

 

Hux looks at him with cold calculation. “Not as of yet, but, sir-”

 

“Then continue to monitor.” There must be a solution to this mess with Rey that doesn’t involve him having to bring such danger to her door. Damn her for this weakness. Damn her.

 

Hux’s jaw tightens and he only just manages to keep his tone marginally respectful. “Yes. Sir.”

 

\---

 

He gets ready for bed mechanically. Ten days now it’s been. _Ten days_ since he’s seen her and he’s seriously considering descending on Atalyn and just taking her. She’ll see reason, won’t she? After she’d wondered so sadly what they would do … she’d even said she feels it too … Surely she’ll come to see his perspective if he could only talk to her?

 

No. No! He is not going to ask again. He promised himself. Never again. He thought she was different. That she cared for him. But she _doesn't._ He can't let himself believe … She just wants him to fit the box she’d built for him. She just wants him to be Ben Solo. Well, he’s not.

 

He’d thought … he’d thought she truly _saw_ him. All of him. In the small hours of the night he knows that Ben Solo’s heart still beats in his chest. But that’s not all that he is. He feels like she just wants to take a knife and cut him in two, like she’d tried with his own grandfather’s saber.

 

Can’t she see how hard he’s tried to make himself anew? How he couldn’t be that boy any longer? That boy who almost died in his sleep?

 

He flinches as he remembers how Snoke had talked to him. Saying that Snoke had been _mistaken_. That he was just a boy in a mask. He almost wishes that Snoke had manipulated them. Built this connection. That everything he’d said to him had been a lie to help him be better.

 

He waits, waits for the whispers in his head, telling him to trust in his master, but his head is so empty. Snoke is gone. Rey is gone.

 

A small sob escapes him as he sits heavily on his much larger bed. He’s so alone. He almost wishes he hadn’t killed his master. He doesn’t know what to do now. He killed his father. He killed his master. And now Rey … she’s gone too and he’s not sure he’s ever been so afraid.

 

\---

 

Oh … oh, Rey. Her hands move along his naked chest and he whimpers his need. “Shhh,” she whispers into his ear. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

 

Then a strangled gasp escapes him as she grasps his length, her deft fingers pulling such pleasure from him. He didn’t know … he didn’t know he could feel like this.

 

He moans nonsense and she quickens her pace, so close, so close. It’s _never_ felt like this. He feels her body, warm and close, pressed against him and he seeks her lips. They’re so connected. She’s pushing him towards unknown bliss while he kisses her deeply.

 

He groans out, “Rey …”

 

\---

 

He snarls as he comes awake. He was almost there and now he’s alone in this huge bed that mocks him, his cock painfully hard and leaking into his sleeping pants. That’s it. He can’t take it any longer.

 

He shoves his hands into his underthings and grasps himself firmly. It’s not nearly as wonderful as Rey’s dream hand moving along him, but it will get the job done.

 

Quick and perfunctorily, he strokes himself firmly. He was already on the precipice and it doesn’t take much. Soon he’s bursting over his fist and calling out her name.

 

He blinks into the darkness, trying to catch his breath, so ashamed of his _need_.

 

\---

 

This time he sees the book in her hands clearly, and he inhales sharply at the sight of her. He’d almost convinced himself it was for the best. Almost. But the time has at least allowed him to regain perspective. He can’t do this with her. Much as he may want to. That knowledge doesn’t stop him from drinking her in, desperate for _every last detail_.

 

Rey’s head snaps up quickly and the most gorgeous smile he’s ever seen splits across her face.

 

“Ben!” she squeals and she’s on her feet in a moment, the book forgotten.

 

He’s only just caught up when she’s right in front of him. She’s reaching for him but he holds himself rigidly. He _cannot_ do this. It hurts too much.

 

“Rey,” he says neutrally.

 

Her face closes and pained confusion flashes in her eyes. She swiftly pulls her hands back. “I … I don’t understand.”

 

“Before … it was a mistake.” His limbs vibrate with the effort it takes to keep from pulling her to him.

 

“A mistake,” she says, swallowing.

 

“We are enemies. We shouldn’t behave otherwise.”

 

“But … how is that going to work? This … connection, this bond … I thought … I thought I’d never see you again.” Her aching tone pulls at him and he viciously suppresses his want, twin to hers.

 

“Yes, well perhaps that would be best.”

 

He has to avert his gaze, he can’t look into her huge, _wounded_ eyes.

 

“But …”

 

“But what? How precisely do you think this will work? We ignore that we agree on literally nothing?”

 

“I don’t know! I just thought …”

 

“You thought you could sway me,” he says bluntly.

 

“I’d … hoped.”

 

He glares at her. “And if that’s not what _I_ want?”

 

“How can you? How can you even _know_ what you want? For _years_ that disgusting predator was twisting your thoughts, taking over your mind! I remember what he said. That he read your every intent. How can you possibly know your own mind?”

 

He blinks. He’s avoided thinking about it. He’s afraid of what he’ll find.

 

“Leia said-”

 

“No! I will not speak of her,” he hisses, years of anger and suffering taking him over.

 

“She’s your mother!”

 

“Yes, she _was_ , and she sent me off to a man who tried to murder me!”

 

Rey suddenly looks down and pulls in on herself. She’s usually so quick to tell him precisely what she thinks, but she just trembles.

 

“What?” he asks shortly. He hates this, Maker, he _hates_ this.

 

“That’s … that’s not really how it happened.”

 

“I _remember_. I woke to the green glow of Skywalker’s saber,” he sneers.

 

“I know. I know you did. But there’s more to it.”

 

“More to him coming to my room, ready to kill me?” he scoffs.

 

“He sensed the darkness! For just a moment he thought it was the right thing to do, but he was pulling back when you woke up. He was never going to kill you.”

 

“No! No more of Skywalker’s lies!”

 

“Ben, please. I know, I _know_ he failed you. But couldn’t it be more complicated?”

 

“What do you know of complexity? Your entire life is black and white. Kill or be killed. Did it ever occur to you to _talk_ to me before going for a weapon?”

 

She looks away in shame. “I know … I know I should have. I … I wish I could take it back. I wouldn’t … I wouldn’t have killed you.” Her voice grows small.

 

“Just maimed me enough to run away,” he spits, gesturing to his scar.

 

“I’m sorry! I … wish I could go back to Starkiller Base, agree to your offer to teach me! Maybe we could have found a new way.”

 

“What?” he asks, the shock pulling the breath from his lungs.

 

“I’m all alone now. I don’t know what to do with everything inside me. I just have these books and I … I know I’ve made mistakes.”

 

The thought of teaching her, it instantly takes him to a place of pure fantasy. Oh, the things he could show her. What they could become together … Then he savagely shuts down that line of thought. She’s made her choices.

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter now.”

 

“Isn’t there some way we could … compromise?”

 

“No. This is my path. I’ve sacrificed everything to get here. _Everything_.” The bitterness winds around his words.

 

Her eyes close for a moment. “I know you have.” Suddenly her eyes fly to his. “Did you know, that I was on the Falcon on Crait?”

 

“What? No … I …” Then his blood runs cold as he remembers. _Blow that piece of junk out of the sky!_ She’d been on it? She was supposed to be on Snoke’s ship. He’d … he’d almost ... His knees feel weak and he has to sit down. He finds his chair and falls into it.

 

He looks up at her, his eyes pleading. “No, I didn’t know.”

 

“Oh.” She pauses but then her expression grows cold. “But you knew Chewie was on it.”

 

“You mean the walking carpet that shot me? Trust me, I _hoped_ he was.”

 

Her little hands ball into fists. “Am I the only person you give a damn about?”

 

“Who says I give a damn about you?” He regrets it immediately. He’s never lied to her before and he wants to take it back, oh how he wants to take it back.

 

She gasps and her brows shoot up. Tears gather in her eyes and she shudders. She opens her mouth to speak but then she’s gone.

 

“Godsdammit!” he bellows. To hell with it. His desk flies across his chambers as he screams out his anguish.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just so happy that there are so many new people interested in this ship! *waves at the new reylos*
> 
> Thank you, beautiful readers! Your kudos and comments have really inspired me and I'm very much looking forward to responding to everyone.
> 
> This is the last chapter I have ready to go. I plan to write another chapter on Saturday (stupid work) and might manage another before that, but no promises. Daily updates to resume December 26.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for having a marvelous discussion with me about morality and truth in the Star Wars universe. You inspire me every day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to how Darth Darcy was feeling while Interstellar Frollo made the biggest mistake of his life. Then our intrepid idiot realizes he done screwed up and finally starts to examine what it really meant to have an evil darksider living in his head. He gets to see Space Eyre at least. Though ... his opener is pretty rough, but he manages to say some of the right things. How will Space Eyre react?

 

_Before_

 

He has a twisting feeling in his gut as Snoke taunts Rey. All of his control is needed to keep from _stopping_ this. Why did he bring her to Snoke? He’d thought Snoke would give her to him, to train … to … have.

 

Now, oh Force, _no_ , she’s _screaming_ as Snoke tortures her and it’s like broken glass grinding against the inside of his skull. He’d never thought Snoke would do this! She’s _exceptionally_ powerful. This is so short-sighted, so _wasteful_. He channels all of his rage into keeping his posture impassive, still and accepting. But he knows there’s nothing he can do about his eyes.

 

It feels like an eternity, knowing _precisely_ what she’s experiencing, sick with the knowledge that _he_ brought her to this. His fault, his fault. Just when he doesn’t think he can take it any longer, that he’s going to do something impossibly stupid, Snoke finally relents.

 

He senses the whispers he’s learned to identify as his master, and he empties his mind quickly. He has one purpose and one alone. He will get Rey out of here alive or die trying. He will _end_ this. He must focus. Intent, it’s all about intent. He keeps murder at the forefront of his mind.

 

The contempt, the seething fury builds in him. All the years his _master_ has belittled him. Every strike of Force lightning. The countless atrocities he’s committed to prove himself to this arrogant, manipulative man. _Han Solo._ It all gathers swiftly in his chest, racing through his system. He _hates_ Snoke. The dark side courses through him as he readies himself.

 

In a small place he’s managed to build over the years—that is his and his alone—he takes in her defiant face and her unfathomable eyes. Stars, those _eyes_. He’s never seen anything as hypnotic as her beautiful hazel eyes. If he fails, he wants to die with the image of her eyes burned on the inside of his eyelids.

 

Slowly he lifts his saber. Intent, he reminds himself. Intent. He _will_ kill … him. And he’s twitching his fingers, a flicker, a moment, and it’s done.

 

She’s safe.

  


_Now_

 

No, no! NO!

 

Kylo stares at his destroyed desk and the creeping understanding of what he’s truly done is seeping in. Rey, who had literally been thrown away, who’d never meant anything to anyone, and he’d said …

 

But it had to be done. Didn't it? He _cannot_ be with her, much as he wants to be. She's chosen the Resistance. Not him. Never him. She is the enemy. It's _necessary_ that he snuff out these warm, soft feelings. They'll sway him, blind him to his purpose.

 

Yet … he’d … he’d told her that he didn’t give a damn about her. The terrible wrongness of those words make his heart _ache_. He flinches as he remembers her tears.

 

In that moment he understands that there's nothing he can do to stamp out what she means to him. It’s a useless battle he’ll never win. She’s … Force, she’s _everything_ and maybe … maybe he should acknowledge that in the safety of his own mind … heart.

 

It’s time to be honest with himself. Now that he’s lost her.

 

He … he _adores_ her. Everything about her. Her delicate face, her fierce devotion to those she cares about. Even her light, though it taunts and tempts him. Every single thing.

 

How could he have said that to her? Stabbed her right in her most vulnerable place? He can still see her exquisite face crumpling in betrayal. He’d had to wait ten days to see her the last time and somehow he’s sure it will be even longer, now.

 

Perhaps he’s managed to ruin even this strange, _wonderful_ connection between them. It wouldn’t surprise him, not even a bit.

 

He destroys _everything_.

 

\---

 

Hours of self-castigation later, Kylo lays in his bed, staring at the ceiling. The silence in his head is deafening and it leaves such an empty place for Rey’s words about Snoke to echo. Can he know his own mind? He remembers Rey saying Snoke had been lurking since he was a baby and he wonders …

 

When did it start? The doubt … the confusion. He remembers begging his mother not to send him away. He’d finally started to make some friends at school, other boys who preferred books and history. But when he was 10, she’d still let Skywalker take him …

 

A memory is just out of reach. He remembers … he remembers laying in his cold bunk that first night at the temple. It hadn’t really been a temple yet. Just an abandoned building where they’d set up cots and old Rebellion-era heating units. It was where they would stay as they built the temple. Skywalker had always espoused austerity.

 

Building the temple had been how Skywalker initially trained them. At first it was just … hard. Lifting heavy beams, slathering together bricks. He’d gotten in trouble the very first week for using the Force to help him. Apparently he wasn’t to do it the _easy_ way. He’s come to see the wisdom in Skywalker’s teachings, as they had mirrored many of Snoke’s. But that one … if you have a tool, you should _use_ it.

 

That night, his first away from his mother … she’d always taken him on her trips, even if he stayed with nannies. He knew that no matter how late she came back to their quarters, she always kissed him goodnight. Always.

 

But … that night, he’d … he’d _hated_ her. He’d hated her so much that he’d almost screamed. The sense of abandonment had completely engulfed him and he’d been wracked with the certainty she’d never loved him.

 

And then it was gone, like he’d never even felt it. But he’d come to know that place very well in the coming years. So well that it’s a well-polished pain.

 

Was that … was that Snoke? He hesitantly pokes at the place he keeps _that woman_ , wondering what else he might find … Then he sits up quickly. No. He cannot do this. Because if ...

 

If this was never meant to be his path, if he truly had been manipulated to this place then … Then that would mean that everything he’s done would be meaningless. Worse than meaningless. All that death, torture, destruction. _Han Solo_.

 

Pushing Rey away.

 

Then it would mean _nothing_.

 

He flees to his training room in terror.

 

\---

 

Kylo nearly runs down the corridors, and by the time he reaches his private sanctuary, he’s ripping off his tunic and switching on six training droids at once. They descend on him and he wildly defends himself.

 

He won’t let this in. He _can’t_ let this in. This is his path. This is what he was _meant_ to be. He’s always been destined to be the next Vader. Hasn’t he? But … if this is his destiny, why does it hurt so damned much?

 

He deflects bolt after bolt from the training droid, but it doesn’t stop the torrent of thoughts. He's laid all that he has at the altar of Grandfather. He has nothing else to sacrifice. He gave up _Rey_. Pushed her away. The image of her wounded eyes scrapes along his chest.

 

He’s the most powerful man in the galaxy, finally achieving what he’d devoted his entire soul to. _Destroyed_ his entire soul _for_. Why does the pain _never_ end? It only ever stopped with her ...

 

He screams in frustration, and in that moment a droid scores a hit on his shoulder. He hisses and slices it clean through, its pieces clattering to the training room floor. Panting, he waves his hand and the rest of the droids go dead.

 

Then he looks down, sees the thin line of blood on his flesh, and suddenly he’s spiraling into the memory of the gash along Rey’s perfect skin. He remembers the savage need to protect her even as the Praetorian Guards overwhelmed him. He’d kept his eyes on her, always on her as he’d fought for his life. For hers.

 

He falls to his knees, his head hanging.

 

What has he done?

 

\---

 

“Supreme Leader? Sir? Supreme Leader! REN!” Hux yells.

 

Kylo’s head snaps towards the general. “What?” he growls.

 

“Are you even _listening_ to me?” Hux asks in exasperation.

 

No. No he hadn’t been listening to him at all. He’d been imagining Rey forgiving him. He’d really prefer to resume his fantasy, thank you very much.

 

He sighs heavily. “What is it, Hux?”

 

“Preparations for the assault on Jentesh are proceeding as planned. We will be ready to move the day after tomorrow.”

 

“Excellent,” he murmurs distractedly, remembering the smile she’d graced him with just before he’d treated her so cruelly.

 

“This was _your_ plan!” Hux exclaims.

 

“And _you_ agreed with it,” he snarls.

 

The ginger irritant sniffs. “Yes, well, the least you can do is pay attention.”

 

Kylo holds Hux’s eyes for a long moment. “Duly noted,” he says with deadly calm. It’s a long while before Kylo finally speaks again. “Was there anything else, _General_?”

 

Nervously, Hux answers, “No, sir.”

 

“Fine. Dismissed.”

 

It might feel like salt in the wound, but wallowing in memories of Rey is really all he wants to do right now.

 

\---

 

He’s going to apologize the next time he sees her. Whatever she’s doing, whomever she’s talking to, the first words out of his mouth are going to be that he’s sorry. It’s only been two days, but it’s been enough time to convince him that he just can’t go on like this … can’t go on without Rey.

 

She likely won’t forgive him at first. Why would she? He’d hurt her, _intentionally_. Yes, it had been said in the heat of the moment, and in that moment he _had_ meant it. He had wanted to push her away. He just hadn’t seen how awful a thing it was to say until it was too late. How foolish it was to try to deny this _need_.

 

He's accepted his feelings for her. He won't try to quash them again. He doesn't have a clue as to how he's going to fix this, what they'll do if he does, but he has to try.

 

And so, the minute he sees her again, even if it’s weeks from now, he’s going to tell her how sorry he is and how very much he didn’t mean it. Consequences be damned.

 

\---

 

His heart, and his apology, are caught in his throat when he sees her again not a few hours later. She’s wearing an utterly beguiling gown, the palest of pinks with shimmering beading cascading down the bodice. It flares out just below her waist and she’s … dancing?

 

Enraptured, he watches her move gracefully across his chambers, grateful for the late hour. He won’t be disturbed. Her dress accents her slim waist and he swallows past the sudden rush of heat when he sees how the neckline dips low, her small breasts on display. He gets the sudden urge to come up behind her, twirl her to him and pull her into his arms.

 

Then he sees movement at her waist and his eyes narrow suspiciously. The fabric shifts and he sees a _hand_ print. All at once the details rush in. She's dancing with a _partner_. She's looking up, so presumably it's a man. A man who has _his_ beautiful Rey in his arms.

 

Her fingers curl around the phantom hand … someone else is touching her _bare_ fingers. Touching her _skin_.

 

Something old and feral snaps with in him. Kylo snarls like a beast and her panicked eyes fly to his.

 

He's on her in an instant. “Who's _touching_ you!?” he nearly screams.

 

Her lips purse and her head shakes slightly. Then her eyes leave his as she's whirled away from him. He follows her closely, jealous fury snapping its teeth, wanting nothing more than the blood of the other man.

 

She smiles nervously and says to her partner, “I'm fine, Poe.”

 

“Poe?” he spits. “You're dancing with _Poe Dameron_?!”

 

Her jaw tightens and she again gives a slight shake of her head as her eyes bore into his.

 

“Stop. NOW!” Kylo demands.

 

She manages to glare at him with just her eyes.

 

“No, I'm fine. Just a little tired,” she says weakly to the damned _pilot_.

 

His chest is heaving and he wants to rip his way across the galaxy, obliterate _Poe’s_ smug, handsome face.

 

“ _Now_ , Rey,” he snarls. “You will stop dancing with him _now_.”

 

“Yes, a drink would be great!” she says with forced cheer.

 

Finally the dancing stops and he sees the tell-tale crease fall away from her slender waist. He watches her watching his rival walk away to fetch her a _drink_ and he growls low in his throat.

 

Then she's grabbing him by the elbow and dragging him with her, to somewhere private he can only assume.

 

Once they stop, she turns on him and he sees the most beautiful fury in her eyes. “How _dare_ you,” she whispers lowly.

 

“He was touching you!”

 

“You made it _abundantly_ clear that you don't, what was it? Ah yes, give a damn about me. So forgive me if I've been _enjoying_ Poe's company. At least he likes me!”

 

“ _I_ like you!” he roars.

 

“Be _quiet_ ,” she hisses.

 

“No one can hear me,” he seethes.

 

“Fine. Just leave me alone. This is the first time I've ever danced and I intend to at _every_ opportunity, with every man I can!” she pronounces, her tone defiant.

 

“I forbid it.”

 

“Forbid? _Forbid_?!” her voice rises and she looks around quickly then she again speaks in a whisper. “ _You_ are going to leave me alone. Don't distract me.”

 

Then she flounces off, leaving him standing, watching her take a drink from hands he can't see. Hands about to _touch_ her.

 

His fists clench. He's not about to just allow this travesty to unfold. But he's not sure how to make it stop. He can't _bear_ this. Yet he's not sure what to _do_. If he follows her, she’ll end up giving away their connection and the consequences of that … he has to control himself.

 

She throws back her head and laughs as she resumes dancing. Her eyes flick to his and the sadness he finds both hurts and gives him hope.

 

How long will the Force make him stay and watch as she's passed from man to man? Fingers he can’t see, moving along her back, her waist? What if one of _them_ pulls her close? What if … what if another man kisses those enticing lips?

 

How is he meant to endure this?

 

She glides by him and he can’t stop himself from following. He's done simply standing by as she's pawed by faceless men, their grasping fingers touching what's _his_.

 

He comes up behind her and matches his movements to hers. Placing one hand at her waist, the other on her shoulder, he leans forward, dancing behind her, moving in parallel. She stiffens at the contact.

 

Kylo refuses to think of the man he cannot see with his hand on the other side of her waist.

 

“Rey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” he breathes out. If he can make her understand, perhaps she'll put an end to this torment.

 

“I never should have said that. You have to know I didn't mean it. You are so dear to me,” he croons, his lips against the shell of her ear. She breathes in shakily and a tremor moves through her.

 

He continues to dance behind her, kneading his fingers into the sumptuous fabric, soaking in the warmth of her body. He feels her shudder under his hands.

 

Kylo presses closer, his chest now flush with her back. Then he hears her make excuses to whatever insignificant fool she's dancing with and she's turning to him.

 

Her arms fall to her sides and she looks up into his face. Her eyes sparkle with tears and one breaks free. He slowly wipes it away with his thumb. She’s letting him touch her and he’s filled with cautious hope.

 

“I wanted to take it back the minute I said it. What I said … nothing could be further from the truth. I'm tired of fighting with myself. You … you're the most important person in the galaxy to me. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Please.” He strokes his fingertips along her her cheek and wishes he’d thought to remove his gloves.

 

Rey's lips part, and conflict moves across her features. She doesn't move to return his embrace, but then again, she really can't in a crowded hall.

 

She's trying to say so much with her eyes. Mostly he just sees hurt. Then she takes a deep breath and steps back. She looks around furtively, then returns her gaze to him.

 

But her eyes have grown hard and he suddenly feels very cold. She’s not going to accept his apology.

 

He's not surprised when she icily pronounces, “No,” and moves away from him.

 

Helplessly, he can only observe as she’s pulled into the whirl of the dance. Her gown swirls around her and she smiles and laughs. He knows he should turn away, stop torturing himself, but she’s just so luminous ...

 

His heart in pieces, he watches her dance until she fades. She’d never looked at him again.

 

Returning to his desk, he sits heavily. He takes in a shuddering breath and purposefully blanks his mind as he picks up his datapad.

 

But he can't focus on the words through his tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get another chapter written! Woohoo! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the absolutely incredible support. You are keeping me going and I'm so very grateful.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for continuing to find most excellent Star Wars articles from outside of the reylo sphere!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre appears again and Darth Darcy manages to behave like a reasonable human being. We all know it can't last, but our darlings get the connection they've been craving. No, not like that.

Kylo finally pulls himself from his desk when it’s well past midnight. His eyes feel slightly swollen and he keeps his head down as he makes his way across the bridge. Thankfully, the night shift is lightly staffed and he manages to avoid any prying eyes. He knows it’s obvious he’s been crying and on top of his bouts of anger, that rumor is the _last_ thing he needs.

He’d spent _far_ too much time dwelling on how remote her voice had sounded when she’d coldly rejected his apology. He wishes he could get angry, but he just … hurts. It’s a new kind of hurt, though. He truly had thought he’d found all the ways his heart could break, but this … this feels like he might never heal.

Then the sense memories had come for him, and he’d been lost to recalling how she’d _felt_ under his hands as he’d danced with her. How for that brief moment, her body had molded to his and it had felt so incredibly _right_ . He’s _terrified_ he’ll never be able to touch her again.

If only taking his saber to something would help bleed out this anguish.

Reaching his quarters, he pulls off his glove, pressing his palm to the pad to gain access.

Kylo grasps the doorframe of his rooms to steady himself when his door slides open to reveal _Rey_ sitting with her head bowed. She’s sniffling quietly.

He stands frozen for a long moment, then remembers himself and quickly walks all the way into his rooms, the door sliding shut behind him. He doesn't really care if he'd seem mad to a passing patrol, however his instinct is to shield her.

“Rey,” he breathes out reverently.

Slowly, her head comes up and she looks … lost. Haunted. Her eyes are rimmed red and she’s twisting her hands in her lap. She’s still wearing her gown, but her hair has started to fall down from its complicated style.

He rushes to her, pulling off his other glove as he moves. He goes to his knees in front of her seated form. “What is it?” he asks plaintively, hoping she’ll talk to him now that she’s so obviously alone.

Rey shrugs and shakes her head. Oh, but she looks so lovely and he's beyond grateful to the Force for bringing her to him.

“I know … I know I’ve lost the right to your confidence, but please, tell me what’s wrong?” he entreats. His hands hover near hers. He wants _so badly_ to fold his fingers around hers, but he sees her pull back slightly. He nods his acceptance and puts his hands at his sides. His fingers curl and uncurl from the need to touch her.

The silence stretches and he watches tears course down her cheeks His need to comfort her is almost as great as the need he'd felt to keep her safe in Snoke’s chambers.

She takes in a deep breath. _Please, please talk to me …_

She keeps her silence for a long moment, twisting the fabric of her skirts in her fingers. “I … I tried so hard to enjoy myself tonight. Pretend that everything isn’t hopeless. Pretend ... “ she trails off and looks away.

“Pretend what?” he encourages.

More tears fall from her eyes. “Pretend I didn’t … _don’t_ miss you,” she whispers.

“Oh, Rey,” he murmurs. His heart soars to hear that she’s missed him, yet the sorrow surrounding her pulls at something deep inside him.

Her eyes shut tightly. “You meant it, didn’t you? That you’re sorry?”

With a solid, serious tone, he assents, “Yes, I meant it.”

Rey nods slightly. Then she finally meets his eyes. He finds such misery and, gods, it hurts. How could he have done this to her? He just wants to find that warm, soft place they’d created together, where he’d felt peace for the first time since … He can’t actually remember ever feeling as calm as he has when they’re quiet with each other.

“You just … sometimes, the things you say to me …” She again looks away, her eyes showing clearly how she's recalling previous failures.

It confuses him. He can’t remember having said something else so cruel to her. “I don’t understand,” he says softly.

Rey blinks then cocks her head. “You really don’t remember telling me I’m _nothing_?” she asks, bitterness suffusing her tone.

It’s his turn to be nonplussed. He’d told her that she _wasn’t_ nothing ... to _him_ . He’d meant … he’d meant she’s … that he … no, he can’t share that with her. He can’t quite bring himself to accept who she truly is to him. How he … _cherishes_ her.

“Rey … I didn’t mean … I didn’t mean it like that.”

Huge, wounded eyes trap him and she says, “But you … you .. my parents … you made me …” Then she lets out a sob and her tears come faster.

He clenches his eyes shut tightly and he desperately needs to hold her almost as much as he needs to explain. He opens his eyes and faces her pain. “I needed you to let go of the past. I thought … I thought if you did …”

“I would … be with you.”

“Yes,” he says, his own voice breaking as he remembers how she’d shunned him. But the familiar anger and sense of betrayal is dormant.

“I’m sorry I didn’t try to talk with you. I was so afraid if I didn’t defend myself you wouldn’t let me _go_ . I came to you, _trusted_ you, and you … you met me with stormtroopers and _binders_ . Then you let … you let _him_ do that to me, hurt me.” She quickly wipes her eyes. “I trusted you,” she repeats. There's no accusation in her tone, just a bleak disappointment that _guts_ him.

He … he hadn’t thought about it like that. He hadn’t really ever considered doing anything other than bringing her to his master. With Snoke alive it would have been unthinkable to do otherwise. He’d been ordered to bring Snoke the girl so that is what he had done.

Yes, he hadn’t anticipated how Snoke would hurt her. He thought he would _charm_ her, like he'd charmed him back in the beginning. Snoke had praised him so frequently, made him feel _worthy_.

But instead he'd mocked her. Belittled her. _Tortured_ her. And staying still while she’d screamed was the hardest thing he’s ever done, but … what choice did he have? He’d felt responsible for her pain of course, but It’s not as if he could have just taken her to his shuttle and left with her. Could he have?

And suddenly he truly sees how she _had_ trusted him. Less than a week after he’d captured her, invaded her mind … she’d … she’d come to him. Rey had _come to him._ He’d never even realized how momentous that really was, not until just this instant.

His lip trembles as he croaks out, “I’m sorry.”

They look into each other’s eyes and there’s just so much pain and misunderstanding. Finally, he can’t take it anymore and he begs, “Please, Rey. Please let me hold you, Maker, please let me.”

He sees a flare of warmth in her eyes and he starts to lift his arms. She nods and then she’s flowing into his embrace. Immediately he wraps her close, still kneeling in front of her. But it's not enough contact and they’re shifting, somehow ending up on the floor. She's on her side, completely enveloped by his frame. He has all of his limbs wrapped around her and his eyes are stinging. He’d come so close to losing this and he knows he’ll do whatever he has to to keep it.

Rey continues to cry and he holds her so tightly, protecting her the way he should have that day on the _Supremacy_.

“I was so afraid,” she cries into his chest.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” It’s all he can think of to say.

“I thought ... I’d trusted you and I was going to die and, and then you saved me and then we saved each other and I thought … I thought … but I couldn’t … I can’t be what you want.”

He swallows thickly. In this moment he truly doesn’t care about The First Order, the Resistance, light, dark … none of it matters because this impossible woman who’s already been through far too much is falling apart in his arms.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says into her hair.

“What?” she asks in confusion, pulling back to look in his eyes.

He shakes his head slightly. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care that you’re with the Resistance. I don’t care if you ever join me. I just want _you_ . What I meant when I said you were nothing … what I meant is that to me, you’re _everything_.”

She blinks at him slowly, and a stray tear streaks down her face. He again wipes it from her cheek as he had earlier in the evening. The smallest of smiles tugs at her lips.

She reaches up and strokes his cheek and he shudders from the sensation of her _touching_ him.

Kylo feels the tension flow out of her. “Okay, Ben. Okay.”

Laying her head back against his chest, she lets out a small sigh. He tightens his arms around her and hesitantly drops a kiss on her crown.

He feels her smile against him.

They stay like that, completely intertwined for a long time. His broken pieces don't feel so sharp and his heart is finally beating properly.

He feels drowsy and almost drugged from the pleasure of holding her, stroking his hand along her back, burying his fingers in her soft hair … occasionally kissing her forehead. She's perfect. This thing between them is perfect.

“Ben?” she breaks the silence.

“Mmmm?” Gods she feels so good.

She pulls back and catches his eyes. “I need you to stop getting so jealous.”

The languid energy shifts and he stiffens as he remembers how she'd danced with partner after partner.

His jaw clenches and he says tightly, “They were touching you.”

“It was only dancing. I'd never … I _couldn't_ , not with how I feel about you. Please trust me?” Her endless hazel eyes plead with him and he's torn.

He despises the thought of other men touching her. Any man, but particularly _Dameron_. But he knows it's not exactly reasonable to demand she not share casual, friendly touches with her friends.

His jaw works as he thinks it through. “And nothing … nothing … _happened_ this evening?” he asks, more than a little worried about the answer. She had been _very_ angry.

“Ben, no. Nothing happened. Nothing _will_ happen. I … I only care about you like that.”

Elation swells in his chest and he finds some of the possessive fury leave him. She's still his. Only his.

He pulls her head to his chest and he strokes her hair. “I will trust you.”

“Thank you,” she says as she shifts just a little closer.

“Oh, Rey,” he breathes out and the glorious, warm connection between them almost hums with contentment.

\---

“We depart for the Jentesh system tomorrow at 0600,” Hux says efficiently.

“Good, good,” Kylo responds. “The personnel is in place to get the mines running at full capacity?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And we have buyers?”

“Yes, our allies are eager for the discounted rate we’re providing. We should have a fresh infusion of funds within a month, assuming the bombardment takes no more than a week.”

“We’ll have them in two days,” Kylo says.

Hux’s brow rises. “That seems … optimistic.”

“It’s war. This, this is what I do.”

Hux smiles tightly. “Yes, sir.” He hesitates at the door.

Kylo is eager to review the battle plans but the frustrating general continues to hover.

“What is it, Hux?” Kylo's impatience is obvious.

“Only … I have wondered …”

“Wondered what?” Kylo asks shortly.

“The girl …”

Unease creeps up his spine. “What about her?”

“She managed to kill Supreme Leader Snoke, his guards _and_ leave you unconscious. Don't you find that … curious?”

Kylo stills. And for one moment he thinks he should likely kill Hux. But then he considers having to replace him. Better the devil you know.

“She's quite powerful,” Kylo equivocates.

Hux holds his eyes unblinkingly. “I see.”

Kylo sincerely hopes that he doesn't see at all.

\---

Attempting to focus on training is _not_ working. All he can pay any attention to is how it had felt to hold Rey so close. The Force had been kind, not snatching her from him for another hour. They’d just stayed wrapped together until she’d faded and he’s been feeling relatively calm the entire day.

He’d managed to actually make progress on plans for the First Order, only now that he has no work to distract him, he’s consumed with thoughts of _Rey_ . And for once, they aren’t confusing or painful. It just feels … nice to think about her. Warm. _Good_.

Training can wait. He’ll be leading their forces tomorrow, he can just let himself have this. He's going to allow himself a rare evening off. He clips his saber to his belt and is walking towards the door when his eyes just about fall out of his head.

Rey is standing in front of him completely naked. Oh Force, she’s _perfect_. Greedily, his eyes take in every curve, her lithe limbs and utterly delectable breasts with rosy nipples that make his mouth water. Then she sees him and squeaks, scrambling for something to cover herself with.

His brain starts up again and he whirls, putting his back to her. He should have done that _immediately_ . What was he thinking? Well … he _wasn’t_ thinking. He closes his eyes, willing himself to calm down. It really wouldn’t do for her to see what his brief glimpse of her nakedness has _done_ to him.

Breathing shakily, he stutters out, “I didn’t mean … I wasn’t trying to … I …”

“It’s alright. I know it wasn’t your fault. You can turn around now.”

Cautiously, he faces her. She’s wearing a robe and her hair is wet. Her skin is pinked from what he assumes must have been her shower. A droplet of water slides down her chest and disappears between what he can see of her breasts. That is _not_ helping. He hopes she didn’t hear him swallow.

He focuses on his breathing and just drinks in the sight of her. Eventually he feels himself under control.

“Hi,” she says, smiling shyly.

“Hello,” he offers, shifting uncomfortably.

He doesn’t like the stilted awkwardness in the air and he purposefully strides to her, remembering how he'd rejected her the last time they'd come back together. He wants to make sure she knows she’s still wanted.

He strips his gloves from his hands and lets them drop to his training room floor. Cupping her face with his hand, he looks deeply into her eyes. “I missed you,” he murmurs.

Rey’s smile grows. “I missed you, too.” Then her expression turns serious. “Thank you … for last night.”

Why is _she_ thanking _him_? He should be the one thanking her. She let him back in. He frowns slightly. “For what?”

“No one … no one has ever just … comforted me like that. Growing up, I used to try to imagine my mother holding me when I cried … I just, thank you.”

A fury that has no place here fills him swiftly. That those filthy animals had thrown away such a singular, amazing person … Well, he’s quite certain he would kill every being on Jakku simply to make sure they were gone if they weren’t already dead.

“I will always hold you when you cry, Rey.”

She looks away, but he sees a small, hopeful smile bloom.

“Come … sit. Talk with me,” he invites. She takes his hand and pulls him to wherever her chair is and she sits. He reaches for a chair with the Force and joins her.

They simply look at each other in silence for a moment, but it’s not uncomfortable. Finally, he asks, “Would it be possible for you to talk with me about the Jedi books you mentioned?” He’s quite aware that there are so many topics they simply can’t discuss. They haven’t said as much, but he knows the only way this will work is if they leave the First Order and the Resistance outside of their time together.

She thinks for a moment and finally nods. “Yes, I think so. We both have the Force, after all. And maybe … maybe you might … you might be able to help me?”

Kylo’s eyes widen. “You’d want that? You aren’t afraid I’ll try to _seduce_ you to the dark side?” He's rather surprised at his bold innuendo.

She grins. “No. For all that we disagree on, I do see that … I do see that you’re honorable. In your own, strange way.”

“Strange?” he asks amusedly.

“Well, I just mean … you’re very …honest, I suppose. When you said it didn't matter, I believed you. Was that wrong of me?”

“No. No it wasn’t. You’re right. I won’t try to push you into anything you don’t want.”

“I know,” she says softly.

The energy between them is so open and he finds he wishes this was always his life. Just this, here with her. “Tell me, what has your research uncovered?”

She brightens considerably. “Well, I really only just got started. It’s written in a very old dialect. It took me some time to learn it.”

He sits back, vaguely shocked. She’d learned an entire written language in what has to be a span of weeks. He hadn’t thought she could impress him more. “Rey, are you really telling me that you managed to learn ancient Aurebesh in just over a month?”

“Oh no, it didn’t take me that long, probably three weeks. It just took me a while to understand the patterns.”

Kylo opens and closes his mouth. “How many languages do you know?”

She looks up, thinking. “Uhm, maybe a couple dozen. I’ve never counted.”

She’s so casual about this. He shakes his head. “Rey, do you understand that that’s … _remarkable_? I only speak four, and can read another two besides. I presume you taught yourself?”

“Of course, there weren’t exactly schools on Jakku,” she says derisively.

He can’t help himself. He stands quickly and pulls her into his arms, holding her tightly. “You are amazing, I … I don’t know how to tell you how stunning you are.”

She returns his embrace but then she’s pushing him back into his chair and returning to her own. Her cheeks are _flaming_.

She ducks her head in embarrassment. “ _Anyway_. Did you know that the Force used to just be the Force? No light side, no dark side?”

He's familiar with this concept, but her excitement makes him want to hear it from her.

“Tell me more, sweetheart,” he entreats.

She grins so beautifully. “Well … it sounds like the schism happened more recently than you’d think …”

He listens intently as she explains how the Force used to be perceived. She speaks with such passion and blinding intelligence. Watching her bright, eager face, he finally accepts a truth he's known for some time. Perhaps from the moment he first saw her.

He loves her. Oh, how he loves her.

His beautiful Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! I hope I can keep this up because I am having a blast writing this story.
> 
> You are all keeping me going, you really are. Every kudo and comment makes me want to write even more. Thank you so very much for how exceptionally kind you've all been!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who made sure I have all sorts of Kylo/Ben and Rey swag for my office! I think my favorite is the Kylo Mr. Potato Head. He's called Frylo Ren.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy continues to behave himself and Space Eyre rewards him. Positive reinforcement is an excellent training tool for murder puppies.

Kylo watches from the _Finalizer_ as one of the First Order’s remaining Dreadnaughts leads the bombardment on Jentesh VI, the wealthiest planet within the system. Meanwhile, his fleet of Star Destroyers is spread throughout the rest of the system, subduing the ally planets.

 

Each firing of the canons sends vibrations along the deck of the _Finalizer_ , and he takes a certain satisfaction as he feels it in his boots. He’s hand selected the targets to maximize destruction of non-essential facilities and minimize damage to infrastructure.

 

Unfortunately, that means _civilian_ targets. Universities, entertainment districts. Casualties will be high, but his hope is that the devastation will be so complete that Jentesh VI will surrender quickly.

 

“Supreme Leader, the Jenteshi fleet has arrived! Starfighters to port!”

 

“Release the TIEs” he commands calmly, enjoying the barely contained fury coming from General Hux.

 

The mealy mouthed idiot had dared to complain that Supreme Leader Snoke always left the military operations to him. Kylo had snarled, “I am not Snoke and it would be best for you to remember that!”

 

Since then Hux has been turning various shades of near purple as Kylo has given orders. He knows it’s unseemly—how much pleasure he gets from thwarting the ginger irritant—but he can’t deny the sense of smug superiority as he lords his new position over Hux.

 

\---

 

He sees Rey right in the middle of the bridge and he realizes how unsettling it is to have her just appear in the midst of other people. During a battle, no less. Thus far he’d always been alone when she arrived.

 

She smiles so sweetly and he’s returning her smile without even thinking. Then he notices Hux looking positively disturbed and he quickly clears his expression. He feels a quick stab of remorse for how he’d behaved towards Rey when she had been observed. He made that so much more difficult for her than he should have. Damn his temper.

 

“Hux,” he barks.

 

“Yes, sir?” Hux responds with a nervous tone.

 

“You have the bridge. Do not deviate from my specifications for Jentesh VI.”

 

Hux open his mouth to speak then snaps it shut. He finally nods sharply. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 

Kylo walks swiftly to his chambers, glancing over his shoulder to confirm that Rey is following him.

 

As soon as the doors slide shut, he turns to her, already peeling off his gloves, and says, “There, we’re alone.”  

 

“What was going on, what's on Jentesh VI?” she asks, looking a bit pale.

 

“Rey … do you really want me to answer that?”

 

She looks down. “No. No, I guess I don’t. I just … hearing you, seeing you behave as the Supreme Leader … I suppose I prefer not think about it.”

 

He nods. “I prefer not to think of you with the _pilot_ , so I do understand,” he says with asperity.

 

“Hey,” she gently chides, coming up to him. She takes his hand in hers and just like that, all that there is is the two of them. Everyone and everything outside their connection just falls away, insignificant to their bond.

 

He lets out a long breath and says, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t have,” she says with an affectionate smile.

 

She draws her thumb across his palm and he wants to lift her hand to his lips, kiss her soft skin, but thus far all they’ve ever done is hold each other. Well, and she allowed him to kiss her forehead. He decides to be bold.

 

He draws her delicate hand to his mouth and presses the lightest of kisses along her knuckles, all the while holding her eyes. The moment his lips touch her skin, she gasps. So slowly he brings her hand back down, keeping it firmly in his grasp. His lips are tingling with the contact.

 

Her eyes are a bit unfocused and he wonders what she would do if he kissed her tempting mouth. He’s … afraid to take that step, afraid he’ll do it wrong. He’d rather never kiss her than to do it badly. No … that’s not true, that’s not true at _all_. He’s desperate to know what it would feel like to capture her lips with his.

 

His dreams have supplied so many ideas, but there’s no true knowledge behind them. Suddenly he wonders if she’s ever kissed anyone and he can’t keep the distaste off of his face at the thought that she has. Then he has the chilling thought that perhaps she's done far more than that.

 

“What is it?” she asks, looking worried.

 

“Nothing, I just wondered something that is none of my business.” He’d said he’d try not to get so jealous and he’s already managed to bring up _Dameron_.

 

“If it’s about Poe, I’ve told you, nothing has happened with him, and nothing ever will.”

 

“I know … I know.” He rubs his forehead.

 

“What … what is it about Poe especially? I would have thought … I guess I would have thought that Finn would make you angrier.”

 

He sighs. “I’ll tell you, I will. Just … may I hold you for a moment first? It’s been a long day.” He supposes he really shouldn’t have left in the midst of the assault but Hux was right. He _had_ handled military matters while serving Snoke and it will be hours yet. Presently they’re giving the Jenteshi time to consider surrender. He can have this time with Rey.  

 

Rey reaches up and runs her fingers through his hair and he melts into her touch, an embarrassingly throaty groan escaping him. “That feels so good,” he nearly moans.

 

Then she lays her head on his chest and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her in as close as he can. Bliss. Holding Rey is simply bliss.

 

It’s been _years_ since he’s touched someone with affection, been touched with anything other than violent intent. He’d thought he didn’t like to be touched at all. But, oh how wrong he was. Because when Rey touches him … he’s always left hungry, _starving_ for _more_. He’s quite sure he will never slake his thirst.

 

She pulls back slightly and he has to keep from pinning her in place with his greater strength. He consciously loosens his hold and she peers up at him.

 

“Is it always like this?” she asks with her head cocked slightly to the side.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Between people who … care for each other.” She stumbles a bit over her words and her shy expression fills him with such adoration.

 

He clears his throat. “I don’t know. I have nothing to compare it to.”

 

“Nothing at all?”

 

“No,” he rumbles.

 

“I thought … since you’re older …” Her eyes flit away.

 

“No,” he repeats. He wonders if this should embarrass him, he’s nearly 30 with absolutely no practical experience with women. Han Solo would be horrified.

 

“Oh.” Then she looks down and mumbles, “Me neither.”

 

Profound relief suffuses his whole body. He knows he shouldn’t care, that it truly is none of his business what she’d done or not done prior to meeting him, but … knowing that no one else has touched her like he wants so _badly_ to touch her … it makes the instinctive, snarling beast within him very happy indeed.

 

“It’s just … when we touch, it’s so different than when I hug Finn or Le- or anyone else.”

 

He’s not thrilled with the thought of her hugging the traitor, but he believes her when she says there is only friendship between them. He opts to ignore that she’d been about to name his mother.

 

“How is it different?” he asks curiously. He knows that touching Rey is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. It’s as if there’s something under his skin that recognizes her. Like magnets. Like _home_.

 

“You don’t … you don’t feel it?” she asks, her expression growing insecure.

 

“Oh, Rey, yes, I feel it. I just wanted to know how it was different for you. I suppose … I suppose I needed to hear that when I touch you, it’s different than when others do.”

 

She frowns slightly. “I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s … it’s like my edges get fuzzy and … and it feels so good, I never want to stop.” She looks around furtively, a shamed blush staining her cheeks.

 

He tips her face up with his fingertips under her chin and looks deeply into her eyes. “Yes. It’s the same for me. Whatever is between us … it’s special.”

 

“It’s not just because we have the Force?”

 

“No, I’ve never experienced this with other Force sensitives. I believe it is unique to our situation.”

 

“You mean the … connection. The bond.”

 

“Yes.”

 

She lays her head back against his chest and she pulls him closer to her as she settles against him. “Whatever it is … I’m … I’m glad it happened.”

 

“So am I.”

 

He begins to stroke his fingers through her hair and she hums into his tunic. He wonders if they can just stay like this until she fades.

 

After several long minutes of enjoying their closeness, Rey mumbles into his chest, “So what is it with you and Poe?”

 

Kylo stiffens immediately. He really doesn’t want to explain about Poe.

 

He doesn’t like revisiting the past, but he finds he’s helpless to deny her. Besides, he _did_ say he would tell her.

 

“We have … history.”

 

“What sort of history?”

 

“I knew him when I was a boy.” He pauses, trying to keep distance from the painful memories, grounding himself to Rey’s solid form in his arms.

 

“He … he was everything my father wanted me to be. Easy, charming. Interested in fixing ships. I wasn’t like that. I was bookish. I liked to fly, but take apart a hyperdrive? No. _Poe Dameron_ essentially became the son my father wished he had. Something similar happened with my mother once I was with Skywalker.” He speaks clinically, shoving down the sharp pain that speaking of his father evokes. He wonders when he started thinking of him as his father again.

 

“Oh,” is all she says. He looks down into her face and finds her nibbling on her bottom lip. Her eyes are troubled.

 

Kylo lets out a slow breath. “Anyway, I suppose I have always been … jealous of him. He could talk to anyone and I was afraid … I was afraid you might … chose him. He’s far more … handsome,” he finishes lamely.

 

Rey pulls away and stares up at him with her mouth hanging open. “You … you’re handsome, Ben.”

 

Kylo scoffs. He knows what he looks like. Big ears, a nose that doesn’t quite fit with his features. Nothing like the attractive, charismatic Poe Dameron. He’s aware that she’d been affected by his bare chest, but he’d assumed it was simply that nudity flustered her.

 

“No, really. I like the way you look. I always have. Which was very confusing on Starkiller Base. You don’t … you don’t need to worry about Poe.”

 

He wants to believe her, but something about remembering that time has well and truly stoked his insecurity. “You must admit that he’s much better looking than I.”

 

Her brows draw together. “No … that’s not true.”

 

Now he just feels like an idiot, pushing her to reassure his vanity, vanity he didn't even know he _had_. He’s feeling young and foolish. He feels like Ben Solo. “You don’t need to protect my feelings.”

 

“I’m not! I … he doesn’t make me feel like … like … well, like _this_.” Her face scrunches up in frustration then she does something very unexpected. She swiftly goes on her toes and clumsily presses her lips to his.

 

He completely freezes at the contact, his brain entirely derailed. He’s not sure what to do. She starts to pull away and something takes him over. He grabs her face and kisses her _back_. He’s not really sure how to move his lips, and his nose is in the way. She tilts her head and suddenly it all begins to make an instinctual kind of sense.

 

The feeling of her soft, pliant lips against his goes straight to his core. He kisses her deeply, hungrily, _desperately_. This … this is exquisite. His eyes nearly fly open when he feels her tongue flit out and beg entrance. Some part of him chants, yes, yes _yes_ , and he opens for her.

 

Soon, her tongue is in his mouth, his is in hers and, stars, he’s so hard it hurts. Oh gods, this feels _good_. He just wants to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. Her fingers wind in his hair and that makes it even better. Her short nails scrape against his scalp and he groans deep in his throat.

 

He needs _more_. He pulls her flush against him, not caring that she can feel just _precisely_ what she’s done to him. The urge to grind against her is nearly overpowering, but the small part of his brain still thinking keeps him in check.

 

Eventually the need for air becomes urgent and he very reluctantly pulls back from her. They’re both panting harshly and he thinks he might fall into her eyes. Seeing her lips reddened from his kisses and hair askew from his attentions makes him almost tell her how much he loves her. Almost.

 

But he does need her to know that this was … special. There’s something like fear in her eyes and he cups her cheek with his large hand.

 

“What is it?” he whispers.

 

“That was … intense.”

 

“Yes. Very.”

 

She still seems a bit lost.

 

Keeping one arm around her, he strokes his thumb along the silken skin of her cheek. “You know, don’t you, how much you mean to me?”

 

“I’m not sure. I think so? I … I don't know what to do with everything. Does it ever scare you?”

 

He tilts his head in confusion. “Does what scare me?”

 

“What’s between us. When I’m not with you, I miss you. All I can think about is you, and now all I want to do is kiss you again. I never knew I could … _feel_ like this.” She shrugs helplessly.

 

He trails his fingers along her cheek. “I feel the same way, but it doesn’t scare me. Because it’s _you_.”

 

She smiles and some of her trepidation fades. She nuzzles into his hand.

 

“And there’s _something_ we can do about the last thing you said,” he says playfully.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“All I want to do is kiss you again, too.” And with that, he finds her lips and kisses her softly, taking time to enjoy the sensations instead of the frantic seeking that had so quickly engulfed them before.

 

She feels so soft and warm in his arms, he thinks he could live forever in this moment. He caresses her face with his fingers as he continues to move his lips against hers. Stars, he loves her so much. He may not know how to tell her, but he tries to with his kiss and his hands.

 

They finally draw slightly apart, but only just far enough that their foreheads touch.

 

“Oh, Ben,” Rey sighs out.

 

“I know, sweetheart, I know …”

 

\---

 

He’s in a daze as he makes his way back to the bridge. This has to be the strangest juxtaposition of experiences he’s ever had. Stepping back from military conquest to spend time with his … his … he doesn’t really know what to call who she is to him.

 

And, stars, she’d kissed him! Unconsciously, his hand comes up and his fingers lightly glide over his lips, remembering how it had felt to finally kiss her. He’d dreamt of it for weeks and he really had no idea just how wonderful it would actually be. He’s just … he’s just so happy.

 

Kylo can’t remember ever being truly happy before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I wonder if I really will manage to post a chapter a day for the first 10 days post-TLJ? 
> 
> Thank you all so very much for the continued support. I look forward to responding to everyone over the holidays. Please know that I have read every single comment and they really have spurred on my writing. I am so very lucky that you are giving your time to my story. Thank you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who still patiently listens to me talk about my writing even when I know I'm repeating myself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy totally misses the storm that is coming because of Jentesh VI. Then Space Eyre makes it quite clear that she just wants him. He's dumb about that, too. Then we learn a bit more about Space Eyre's childhood.
> 
> *trigger warning for referenced animal death (in the past and not Kylo/Ben responsible)*

Kylo had been right. It had taken only a day and a half of near-constant bombardment for Jentesh VI to fall. He hadn’t even had to lead a ground assault. A point that irks him slightly. He’d been looking forward to the heat of battle. From his sour expression, he suspects Hux had hoped something might happen to Supreme Leader Ren.

 

He may have to do something about Hux. But what? The fanatical general is the face of the First Order and Kylo doesn’t like the idea of not being able to keep an eye on him. Perhaps he should skim his thoughts …

 

Deftly, Kylo twitches his fingers and reaches out with the Force. He finds such deep commitment to the First Order that he’s a bit surprised. He’d always thought Hux was in it for himself, for power. It’s unexpected that his loyalty is fierce. He finds disdainful thoughts about himself, of course. He subtly seeks for signs of betrayal and only finds a stalwart loyalty. It’s not to him, it’s to the First Order, but it’s enough to allay Kylo’s fears.

 

He can’t go any deeper without Hux knowing what he’s done, and he doesn’t think that would help him deal with the man he finally bested. He knows he’ll lose support if he straps his second in command to an interrogation chair.

 

Pity the mind trick won't work on Hux. He learned that long ago. He glowers for a moment at the memory of being chastised by Snoke for his attempt to control Hux through the Force. It’s strange how quickly he’s lost all respect for his former master. He’s not really sure why he allowed-

 

“Sir?” The ginger irritant’s annoying Coruscanti accent cuts through his thoughts.

 

“Yes, Hux?”

 

“The Jenteshi have agreed to all terms. The first transports of troops are ready to go planet-side and begin seizing weapons. The engineers will have us in full production within a month, but existing facilities will meet our initial needs.”

 

“Good, good.” He’s hopeful there won’t be much civilian backlash. He really doesn’t want to deal with insurrection. It’s tedious and bloody and often involves the use of children. He dislikes when children are pulled into war.

 

“Keep me apprised. I’ll be in my chambers.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

She’s across his lap and his bare hands are threaded through her hair as he kisses her. He’s not sure how long they’ve spent tangled with each other. He’s hard and thick against her thigh but he ignores it, focusing on the glorious feeling of her tender mouth.

 

Maker, he’ll never tire of kissing her. He knows there is so much more, but he truly can’t fathom anything feeling better than holding her in his arms, delving his tongue between her lips. It makes heat curl low in his abdomen and his stomach flip with pleasure.

 

Rey pulls away and he whimpers his disappointment. Then he gasps as she shifts until she’s straddling him. Before he knows it, she’s grinding herself against his hardness and he only just manages to keep from yelping in surprise.

 

She pulls at his hair, encouraging him to tilt his head back. She stares at him intently and for a moment, all he can see is the glinting greens and golds in her exquisite eyes. They’re full of heat and something far deeper. He wonders if she can see his love in his gaze?

 

Oh gods, he can feel how hot she is through their clothes and his eyes roll back in his head, breaking the intense contact between them. He moans out, loudly. Then she’s pulling his tunic down and kissing, nibbling, sucking at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Oh, oh, Force that feels amazing. The sublime friction against him, her hot mouth, he’s losing the ability to form thoughts and there’s just … Rey.

 

She kisses up his neck until she's at his ear. She whispers, “You feel so good,” making him tremor.

 

Her breath in his ear and her rhythmic movements against him jolt him forward. Oh, stars, if she keeps this up he's going to finish in his trousers. Most of him is quite fine with that, his hips moving with hers, chasing that bliss, but just enough of him knows they're not ready. They’ve created a cautious bubble where they can explore each other, but they’re still rebuilding the trust they’d found before that day in Snoke’s chambers.

 

And so he pulls back, panting. He cups the back of her head and kisses her cheek softly. “We must calm down,” he murmurs against the delicate skin of her face.

 

“Why,” she whines, continuing to rub herself against him.

 

A strangled groan escapes him and he puts his hands on her hips, stilling her. “Because, this is all so new. We’re on opposite ends of a war-”

 

“I don’t want to talk about that. We _can’t_ talk about that.”

 

“I know, I know, sweetheart. I don’t want to talk about it either, but …”

 

She sighs dejectedly. “But it doesn’t change that it’s true. I just … I just want to pretend it’s _not_ and get lost in you.”

 

His cock twitches hopefully. “Hmm, yes, that does sound … well it sounds wonderful, honestly. But …”

 

“But it’s not realistic,” she finishes for him.

 

“No. We can’t let ourselves get taken over by what’s between us. I won’t have you regret anything we share. I don’t want you to wish we hadn’t crossed any … lines.” The thought of that, of Rey looking back on this singular connection with shame or dismay … he won’t have it. He _won’t_.

 

“I wish we _could_ just get lost in it. I wish we could run away from it all.”

 

He nods his agreement. It’s so tempting to get completely engulfed by _Rey_.

 

She sits up suddenly and her expression is painfully hopeful. “Why don’t we?”

 

“Why don’t we what?”

 

“Run away together. We’ll just … _leave_ , go to the Outer Rim, make a life together. You can teach me about the Force. I know I can make ends meet anywhere. Oh, Ben, let’s just leave it all behind.” Her eyes shine and oh how he just wants to take her hand and give her everything.

 

He’s not sure he’s ever been more tempted. He can see it so clearly. A life with her, just _her_. None of the pain and suffering his path has brought him. Just a little house and maybe … maybe a family. Gods, he can see dark mops of hair and glinting hazel eyes. It spirals out in front of him so quickly, and Force, does he _want_ it.

 

But then he remembers his father’s hand on his face and everything he’s _done_ , and he knows he has to stay his course.

 

She still has that earnest expression on her face and he has to force the words out. “I’m sorry, Rey. I can’t.”

 

She pulls back further and then she’s scrambling to her feet. “Why not?” she pleads.

 

“I … I’ve come so far, done so much. I have to see this through.”

 

“By taking over the rest of the galaxy, you mean.”

 

“Yes. I will bring order to the systems.”

 

“Through any means necessary,” she says in a harsh monotone.

 

He closes his eyes briefly, knowing how much she won’t like his answer. “Yes. The chaos, it’s wrong. People die, people suffer. With a strong hand, the galaxy will flourish.”

 

Her eyes blink rapidly. “You … you think this is … _good_ for the systems?”

 

“Of course I do. Why else would I do it?” He’s mildly offended that she didn’t already know that.

 

“Power,” she says bluntly.

 

That hurts. Yes, he’s sought power, control. But only because the Republic was messy, full of corruption and pain. Better to pull the bandage off quickly.

 

“Do you really think that’s why I’ve done this?” he asks, a bit of his frustration showing.

 

“I … I don’t know. I don’t know why you’ve done this, Ben.”

 

“Because I know I can do _better_.” Grandfather was so close. He’s come that much further and he can’t … he can’t stop now. No matter how he might wish a different future for himself. He can’t be that selfish.

 

“Better than … who?” she asks with a touch of suspicion.

 

“Snoke. The Emperor. The Senate. _Leia Organa._ ” He fails utterly at keeping the scorn from his voice.

 

“But … it’s just … subjugation.”

 

He gains his feet, coming to stand in front of her. “It might start out like that, yes, but in time it will be different. You’ll _see_. The people will be happy and prosperous once the war is over.”

 

Her perfect face is marred by indecision and doubt. He sighs heavily. “Perhaps we shouldn’t talk about this.”

 

“You brought it up,” she says mulishly.

 

“I did … I just … I don’t want you to ever regret what we choose to share with each other.”

 

She smiles faintly. “I don’t think I could regret anything with you, Ben.”

 

He smiles back. “I just … I just need you to understand that as much as I want … _everything_ with you, I don’t want to hurt you. Not again.”

 

Rey takes his hand and holds it against her cheek. “I’ve decided that what happens when we’re together is just us. You said you didn’t care about any of it, that you just want me. Well, I don’t care about it either. I can’t … I can’t … _not_ be with you,” she says awkwardly.

 

“I know. It’s like …” he trails off, not knowing how to put it in words.

 

“Fate.”

 

His lips quirk into a smile. ‘The Force.”

 

She shrugs. “I think maybe that means the same thing.”

 

\---

 

He flips himself over in his bed. His blankets have become twisted and he snarls angrily, throwing them on the floor. He huffs a frustrated breath and flops on his back. He can’t stop thinking about walking away.

 

He’s absolutely certain that his brain has turned on him, because all he can think about is Rey heavy with his child. He remembers her perfect body when he saw her naked, and his mind has oh so helpfully supplied images of her taut belly round and full. He growls and rubs his eyes angrily.

 

Why won’t she just come to him? He knows he’s right. But she’s so _stubborn_. Staying with the hopeless cause of the Resistance. Can’t she see?

 

What are they going to do? Just have a few hours here and there? Stolen moments when they’re so obviously meant to spend forever with each other? He’s certain this bond is timeless. Whatever is between them, it’s forever.

 

He again considers taking her. She should be here, right now, in his bed. In his arms. She’s meant for him. He knows it. It’s the will of the Force!

 

He lets out a frustrated huff of breath. He knows he’s lying to himself. She’d never forgive him if he forced her to be with him. There are no words, no logic he could use. All he has is the time their connection allows. It must be enough.

 

It has to be enough.

 

\---

 

“Where are you?” he asks as he runs his fingers through her hair. She’s curled against his side in his bed. He’d woken to her right next to him and he hadn’t even hesitated, pulling her into his arms, her back to his chest.

 

“Oh, I’m in my room. I’m not scheduled until late today so I was sleeping in. Until you woke up that is,” she looks over her shoulder and smiles at him coquettishly.

 

As far as he can tell, she’s about two hours ahead of him. He supposes he could just look up the schedule on Atalyn, but he prefers not to acknowledge that he knows where she is.

 

He sighs and pulls her closer, burying his face in her hair. He makes a small, contented sound.

 

“You sound like a kitling I had when I was a girl.” He can hear the smile in her voice.

 

“How so?”

 

“Sometimes, especially when I run my hands through your hair, I think you’ll start purring, just like Lyn.”

 

“Lyn?”

 

“My kitling.”

 

She’s so warm, and he refuses to check the time. He’s not going anywhere until she invariably fades. “Tell me more about Lyn,” he murmurs into her neck.

 

“Oh, she was my best friend!” she says brightly. “She was the color of the sand. Sometimes it was hard to find her.”

 

Rey grows quiet and Kylo squeezes her slightly. “Rey, you were telling me about your kitling.”

 

“I know. It’s ...hard. To talk about her.”

 

The quality of her voice has him on alert and he goes up on an elbow so he can see her face. “Rey?”

 

Then he sees tears. “Lo-sweetheart, what is it?”

 

She wipes her eyes and says, “Just … I lost her.”

 

“She ran away?”

 

Rey flinches and foreboding curls in his chest. “No,” she says darkly. “Plutt found her.”

 

“Plutt?”

 

“My boss, I guess. Though I suppose he was really my owner,” she mumbles.

 

“What?” he growls. Then he remembers. Sold for drinking money. Oh, Force …. Rey had been … she’d been a _slave_. Just like Grandfather. Why hadn’t he realized this before?

 

“I’d never really accepted it … not really. He let me move out to my AT-AT … I guess I never really understood that I was … his.”

 

Kylo makes a deep, feral sound. “No! You are _not_ his.” _You’re mine._

 

She turns over until she’s facing him. “I don’t think he could find me. I just meant _technically_. He probably has papers or something. I just … I just never let myself believe it, that’s all.”

 

His jaw clenches but she was trying to share something with him. He makes himself calm down. “Tell me what happened to Lyn.”

 

“Oh …” Her eyes fill with helpless sadness. “Plutt broke her neck.”

 

“What?” he gasps.

 

“He said he didn’t have enough portions to feed her. I told him I’d give her part of mine, that I already was, but he said … he said I was already too scrawny.” Rey looks away and Kylo vows to himself right then and there that this Plutt will be dead within a day. One day to Jakku, one day back. The fleet is enough to hold Jentesh VI without the _Finalizer_.

 

“I … I’m so sorry, Rey.”

 

She shrugs. “She probably would have left, anyway.”

 

His heart cracks in his chest to hear the certainty in her voice and he swiftly has her on her back, looking intensely into her eyes.

 

“I will never leave you, Rey. Never,” he swears with his entire soul.

 

The cautious hope he sees in her eyes makes him desperate to heal every broken part of her. Then her face clouds.

 

“It’s not like you have a choice,” she says dryly, her quirked smile at odds with the anguish in her eyes.

 

“You don’t understand. Without this,” he gestures between them, “Whatever this is, I still wouldn’t leave you.”

 

She scoffs. “Well without it how would you see me?”

 

“I don’t care. I would find a way. I will never leave you,” he swears again.

 

Her eyes widen and then she reaches out and strokes his cheek. “I … I think I believe you, Ben.”

 

He nods firmly. “Good.”

 

\---

 

Kylo strides onto the bridge. Hux checks the time obviously. “So nice of you to join us.”

 

His head snaps to his second. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, Hux.”

 

Hux swallows. “Nothing, sir.”

 

“Hmmm.” He holds Hux’s gaze stonily until the other man looks away. “Now that I have your attention, plott a course to Jakku.”

 

“Jakku, sir?” Hux asks in confusion.

 

“Yes, Jakku.”

 

Hux pauses for a moment, then nods slowly. “Jakku it is, sir.”

 

Kylo sneers cruelly as the _Finalizer_ shifts into hyperspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I've managed 9/10 days. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I honestly don't know if I'll get a chapter up. Obviously I'll try, but I don't want to promise. Same with Christmas Day. After that, a chap a day from 12/26-1/1/2018. 
> 
> THANK YOU all so much for your truly amazing support. I'm hoping to be able to respond to comments soon, but please, please know I've read them all and my fingers are itching to say thank you properly. I hope you'll forgive me putting writing first. I _think_ you'd rather read more. *fingers crossed*
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for handling Christmas this year so that I can write. Seriously, he's making Christmas dinner and everything. He made sure to leave me a plate for lunch when he went to the movies. He's ... well he's really one of a kind and I know I don't deserve him. Broke the mold with that one.
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, I'm 'perrydowning' and I always love talking reylo! Feel free to PM me any time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy goes after Space Fagin as a nice little gift for Space Eyre. Better than flowers, am I right ladies?

Kylo is surprised to see her again only a few hours later. He’s in his chambers, just having finished his mid-day meal. He smiles at her warmly and she gives a small shake of her head and he realizes she’s not alone. It frustrates him how frequently she’s with people … he tends to be by himself most of the time. But Rey appears to need … friends.

 

“Yes, I understand. But this is something I have to do. I promise I’ll be careful,” she says to the other person. She’s holding herself a bit more formally so he doesn’t think it’s Finn or _Dameron_.

 

However, he sees her wrapping her arms around this individual, who is clearly much shorter … oh hell, it’s probably his mother. His heart beats a bit faster and he scowls at the pang of … something in his chest. He shouldn’t want to see _that woman_. His throat is suddenly tight and he stands quickly, going to his viewport to watch the blue of hyperspace.

 

His supposition is confirmed when Rey says, “Thank you, Leia. And also with you.”

 

Kylo doesn’t turn when he senses her coming up behind him. He’s too focused on calming the storm of confused feelings threatening to overtake him. He refuses to be pulled into memories of loving arms and understanding eyes. That time is long past and those thoughts, those _needs_ , should be dead.

 

“Hey,” she says, stroking her hand along his arm.

 

He breathes in sharply and pulls off his gloves, as is his custom when he’s with her. Finally, he turns to her and runs his knuckles along her cheek. The brief contact instantly calms him.

 

“Hello, Rey.” He bends down and kisses her gently, still thrilled to be allowed this easy affection. He pulls back and tucks a bit of hair behind her ear.

 

“I guess you know who that was.”

 

“Yes … but .... I would prefer not to talk about it.”

 

“Okay, okay.”

 

She lays her head on his chest and his arms come up around her. He loves how she always seeks his touch. They spend almost all of their time together now touching in some way. It soothes and heals him and he’s fast become addicted to the rightness that thrums through him when he has her with him. Gods, he wishes she was always with him.

 

He remembers what he had heard her saying. “You are going somewhere that requires you to be careful?”

 

She pulls back slightly so she can see his face. “Uhm, yeah. It’s not dangerous, I’ll just be on my own. I’m … I’m not sure I should tell you more.”

 

He’s growing to despise how much they can’t talk about. He wants to know everything about her. How she spends every moment of the day.

 

She nibbles at her bottom lip then shrugs slightly. “No, actually I think it’s alright. I’m going back to where I was with Luke, to build my lightsaber.”

 

Another wave of conflicted feelings move through him. He prefers not to think about Skywalker. But building her first lightsaber? That’s wonderful. “Oh, Rey, I’m so proud of you.”

 

She smiles shyly. “Well I haven’t done it yet.”

 

“But you will, and it will be glorious. I’m sure of it.”

 

“Thank you, Ben.” Her smiling face grows pensive. “I’ve been wondering something.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Why do you let me call you ‘Ben’?”

 

The question makes his brain come to a stuttering halt because he truly doesn’t know. He blinks down on her trying to come up with an answer.

 

He opens his mouth to speak, but she’s already gone.

 

\---

 

They’re nearly to Jakku. He’d spent the rest of the day in his chambers catching up on reports, avoiding thinking about her question, and trying to discern a pattern to her visits. They’ve been more frequent lately, and of a longer duration. But then this afternoon it had only been a few minutes. It’s exceedingly frustrating.

 

He just wants to be with her. All the time. He can’t even ask her what she’s done with her day and her past is so painful for her. Conversation is a minefield of reminders of the reality of their situation.

 

Kylo realizes he has an opportunity to know her better through this little detour to her wretched home. He finds himself wondering what he might learn of her.

 

Perhaps this Plutt might be useful before he kills him.

 

\---

 

Kylo feels the _Finalizer_ drop out of hyperspace and he’s on his feet immediately. He strides out of his chambers and makes his way to the bridge.

 

“Hux!” he barks.

 

“Yes, sir,” Hux acknowledges swiftly.

 

“Ready my ship.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“I’m going to the surface. Alone.”

 

“Supreme Leader, alone? Is this to do with the map to Skywalker?”

 

Kylo pauses as he realizes he’d never considered what reason to give for this trip to Jakku. He supposes Skywalker is as good a reason as any. “Yes,” he responds shortly.

 

“Are you certain? Our troops were quite thorough th-”

 

“Just do it, Hux,” he orders impatiently.

 

“And you’re quite sure you don’t require a battal-”

 

“Hux,” Kylo growls threateningly, his fingers twitching.

 

“Right away, sir,” Hux grumbles.

 

Kylo nods curtly.

 

\---

 

His eyes squint in the Jakku sun and he misses her fiercely. Something about knowing this was her home for so many years makes his heart quicken.

 

He’d landed away from Niima, not wishing to draw attention to himself. He’d replaced his cloak with his old cowl and it helps shield him from the punishing sunlight, though does nothing for he heat.

 

Trudging through the sands, he’s relieved to see the settlement come into view and speeds his pace.

 

As he draws nearer, he sees a series of tents and low buildings. Soon he finds himself walking through a marketplace of some kind. Each stall has the look of extreme poverty, the wares all battered and clearly well-used. He sighs heavily. This … this is where his beautiful Rey grew up and it hurts to realize even the merchants struggle. How bad must it have been for an orphan? A _slave_?

 

He approaches a squat being with fine, beige fur and startling violet eyes who seems to be selling medicines of some sort. While his instinct is to threaten and take, he realizes he isn’t the intimidating Kylo Ren right now. The lack of mask makes him only an unusually tall human male. He decides to simply ask.

 

“I seek Plutt,” he says without preamble.

 

The humanoid looks him up and down. “You aren’t from Jakku,” the seller says bluntly.

 

“No. Plutt?”

 

He gestures vaguely to a large tent across the way from the marketplace. “You’ll find him where he always is, cheatin’ and lyin’.”

 

“Is this Plutt not well regarded?”

 

“Ha!” the man laughs out. “Unkar Plutt is the lowest of the low, but half of Niima would starve without his portions. Mean as a snake. Don’t cross that one.”

 

“I … thank you for your time.” He starts to move towards the indicated tent when he stops. “One more thing, do you know of a girl named Rey?”

 

The man stills. “Don’t mention her. She ran away, Plutt put a bounty out on her after she stole his ship.” Then he looks around quickly. “But between us, she was always too good for Niima. Nothing could touch her. Hard life, the scavenging, but she managed to stay …” he trails off.

 

“Yes?” Kylo nudges.

 

“Whole. She managed to stay whole.”

 

Kylo hopes that’s true. He isn’t so sure.

 

\---

 

He watches the crolute throughout the afternoon. He uses the Force to make the crowds ignore his presence. Plutt has changed the exchange rate on parts numerous times and Kylo frowns as he begins to realize that he consistently provides less food to the young female scavengers. He reminds himself that Rey had said she’d had no experience of that sort.

 

Then he stills at a chilling thought. She’d been asking about how things are between people who _care_ about each other. What if … what if this Plutt had … forced his attentions on her?

 

That thought gets him striding to Plutt’s stall. He grabs the fleshy man by the head and slams it down on the counter.

 

“Tell me everything about Rey,” Kylo hisses down on the pinned man.

 

“That sandra-”

 

Kylo hits him with a bout of lighting and Plutt whimpers. “Rey, if you please. And keep a civil tongue in your head. If you want to keep that tongue,” Kylo threatens. Not that it matters. Plutt will be dead very, very soon.

 

“I bought her when she was 5, good little worker. Always found the best scavenge.”

 

“And?”

 

Plutt stares at him, his beady eyes wide with fear.

 

“She _worked_ for you for nearly 15 years. I want to know _everything_ ,” Kylo growls.

 

“She’s an ungrateful little-ahem-she stole my ship, uh … sir.”

 

Kylo is never patient in the best of times, and he’s done _asking_. Holding Plutt’s head to the counter, he reaches out his other gloved hand and with a slight push, he’s in this disgusting filth’s mind.

 

Rey is at the forefront of his thoughts and the flavor of what’s in Plutt’s head makes Kylo’s blood turn hot in his veins.

 

He watches as her heartbreaking childhood unfolds. She’d kept trying to make toys out of useless bits she’d find while learning the scavenge, but Plutt would find them and destroy them right in front of her little crying face.

 

Years of belittling, telling her she’s nothing. How she’d scream that her parents were coming. “Who’d want you, you piece of trash?” Plutt had taunted.

 

Rey grows, carves out something of a life for herself. And then she reaches maturity and Plutt’s designs on her become quite clear. It’s very difficult for Kylo to keep himself from Force choking him right then and there. But he wants to know _it all_ , regardless of what he might find.

 

He sees time and again, Plutt attempting to convince Rey to trade something other than scavenge for portions.

 

“Come on, little one, I’ll give you two whole portions if you let me touch those pretty little tits,” Plutt had slavered over _his_ Rey. Kylo sneers and digs deeper, making sure it _hurts_.

 

“What you saving yourself for, girl? I know you haven’t had more than half a portion a day for a week. I’ll give you ten portions if you wrap that sharp mouth of yours around my cock.”

 

“I’d rather eat sand,” she had spit.

 

Plutt swipes back the quarter portion he was going to trade for her day’s work. “Then that’s all you’ll have to eat today!”

 

Her lovely face had filled with impotent rage, but her shoulders had dropped in resignation. Kylo understands immediately that this has happened before. She had only nodded.

 

Kylo claws deeper and deeper, and is relieved to find only more failed attempts. Then he stumbles on a memory from just before she’d left Jakku.

 

Plutt had cornered her, grabbed her, put his vile hands all over her. He’d pulled her to him with his fingers digging into her bottom and had ground against her. But in a flash, she’d defended herself with her staff. She had landed a good blow that had Plutt bellowing in pain.

 

“You can’t hold out forever, girlie. One of these days, I’m gonna make you scream.”

 

Rey’s eyes had held true fear as she’d scrambled away.

 

Kylo has seen enough and he pulls out of Plutt’s head, feeling dirty from having touched such a repellent mind.

 

He’s shaking with fury, wanting to make this man _suffer_. He could take him apart piece by piece … or choke him leisurely, letting him have just enough air to prolong the agony. There are oh so many ways he could make this man beg for death. “You deserve to have the skin ripped from your body and left to die very, very slowly,” Kylo threatens lowly.

 

“No! I’m sorry, whatever I did, I’m sorry!”

 

“You’re sorry? You’re _sorry_? You kept Rey at a point of near starvation so that she would give into your disgusting plans!”

 

“I took care of her! Raised her as if she was my own I did!”

 

“She was your _slave_ ,” Kylo snarls, grinding Plutt’s head into the counter. He yelps in pain and Kylo’s lips curl into a sneer.

 

“She was my best scavenger. Gave her preferential treatment! Even let her go off and live in that AT-AT of hers. Never beat her. I was good to her, and how did she repay me? Stole my ship!”

 

“Ah, yes. About that. The bounty on her head,” Kylo says, bringing his face eye-to-eye with Plutt. The crolute struggles against Kylo’s hold, trying to free himself, but it’s no use. He finally stills.

 

“There ain’t no bounty,” Plutt says in a defeated tone. “I just told people that so they’d think twice about crossing old Uncle Unkar.”

 

Kylo regards the quivering man. He desperately wants to take his time killing him, but he knows Rey would want him to have a clean death. He generally prefers quick kills, anyway.

 

“Then there’s no reason to keep you alive.”

 

“What? No, Maker, no! I’ll give you all my portions! I have almost a thousand in the back! You can take anything. Let me show you!”

 

Kylo lets him go, amused to see what Plutt will offer up in exchange for his life.

 

“Here,” he scrabbles for something under the counter. Kylo rolls his eyes when he produces a blaster. “Now who’s in charge?” Plutt taunts.

 

Kylo sighs and pulls the blaster to him with the Force. “Me, Plutt. It’s always me.”

 

Again using the Force, he has the quivering blob out from behind his counter and suspended before him.

 

Now Plutt truly begins to beg. “I don’t wanna die, please, please, I’ll do anything. Please …” he blubbers.

 

Kylo drops him to the ground and punches him in the face as hard as he can. He feels the satisfying crunch of the bones in Plutt’s nose and is pleased to find blood streaming down the reprehensible man’s face.

 

He cocks his head and regards his prey. This man is responsible for the majority of Rey’s suffering. Her sweet, small face when she was a child floats in his mind, her cheeks wet with tears.

 

Oh, how he wishes he’d known of her. He’d been 15 when they’d sold her. Old enough that he could have whisked her away, found her a proper home. In that moment, he’s enraged at the Force for waiting so long to bind them. All the suffering he could have saved her from …

 

Because now … now he can sense the chasm in her heart and he hopes he can find a way to bridge it. This … this is a start. At least he can be her vengeance

 

“While I would like very much to take my time, make this last. I have rather pressing business to attend to.”

 

With that, he takes up his saber and Plutt’s head rolls on the ground a second later.

 

\---

 

He skims the surface of Jakku’s desert, looking for her AT-AT. He’d glimpsed it in her mind on Starkiller Base. There, there it is. He sets his ship down nearby and makes his way to her home. He just wants … he wants to know. He wants to be in her space.

 

Finding the entrance, he has to duck low as he walks into her odd home. He looks around, finding it nearly empty. He presumes it’s been scavenged. He has to hunch to get a good look around.

 

He sees a flash of orange and he kneels down, picking up a doll, a small rebellion pilot. He glares at it, thinking of _another_ rebellion pilot. But then he recalls how she’d kept trying to make herself toys, be like a normal little girl.

 

The pain of it explodes in his chest and he finds it’s difficult to breathe. She’s just been through so damned much and now … she’s alone with the Force and, Maker, how he wishes she just would have _stayed._

 

He stands, placing the doll on a makeshift shelf, and then notices the strangest thing. A wall of hundreds, maybe thousands of tiny marks. What in the galaxy? He walks closer and removes his glove. He finds he needs to touch them. As he’s skimming his hand along the scratches it hits him. She’d been counting days.

 

Oh gods, every single mark is a day she was unloved and he feels like he’s been punched in the gut.

 

“Oh, Rey …” he murmurs.

 

He holds his palm flat against the wall and hangs his head, wishing for impossible things.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks as he whirls to find Rey. He suddenly feels like an interloper. He didn’t exactly ask her if she would mind him visiting her home.

 

“I ... “ He realizes rather quickly that Rey might not precisely approve of his recent actions and he’s not sure how to tell her.

 

“Why are you so dusty, it almost looks like sand …” Then she regards him with an analytical expression. “Where … where are you?”

 

He grimaces slightly. “Jakku. Specifically, your AT-AT.”

 

“What?!” she gasps out. She shakes her head slightly. “I don’t understand. Why are you on Jakku?”.

 

“I … after you told me about Lyn … I just, I had to _do_ something.”

 

“Do?” Her eyes take on a hint of fear. “Ben … what … what did you do?”

 

Best to just get it out. “I killed Plutt.”

 

Her eyes open and close rapidly. “You … you …” She grabs her stomach and starts to pace. Then she looks at him swiftly. Her expression is a swirl of confusion, recrimination, and an odd gleam of savage satisfaction. “He’s dead? He’s really dead?”

 

“I couldn’t let one more minute pass with that vile creature drawing breath, not once I knew how he’d hurt you.”

 

“You … you really killed him for me?”

 

“Of course I did. He hurt you,” he says again.

 

She holds her head. “Plutt’s dead. Oh Maker, Plutt is dead!”

 

He can’t tell if this pleases her or not. “He hurt you,” he says yet again. It’s so obvious to him. Anyone who hurts her will answer to him.

 

But then she’s shaking her head. “You … you can’t just kill anyone who hurts me.”

 

“I beg to differ.” He’ll do anything to protect her. Anything. She should understand that.

 

“Fine, I don’t _want_ you to kill people who have hurt me. I don’t want you to kill anyone at all!”

 

He scoffs at that. “Some people deserve to be killed.”

 

“No! I don’t ... “ Her eyes close tightly. “I see that you … meant well, and I have to admit I mostly just feel relief that he’s gone. It … bothered me to know he still … owned me.”

 

Kylo growls, “You belong to yourself. You always have. Just because money changed hands doesn’t mean that you were his.” Just saying that she was ever another’s even in this context, stokes that jealous beast he’s trying to learn how to handle. He’s not terribly successful.

 

Her expression grows stormy. “You … you should have asked me if I wanted you to do this.”

 

“I … perhaps,” he acknowledges.

 

“No, not _perhaps_. Absolutely. I won’t grieve for him, and I might have wished him dead many times as a child, but this is my life, Ben. Mine. He was mine to deal with, when and how _I_ wanted to.”

 

He tries to reach for her but she steps back. “I’m sorry, I can’t … I can’t do that right now.”

 

“Rey?” he asks, suddenly worried he’s made a serious error.

 

“You … I don’t know what to do with this side of you. How brutal you can be. I thought … I thought I could keep it all separate, but … I need to think.”

 

Her arms are wrapped around her torso and she’s looking at something he can’t see. He feels the pull to hold her and his fingers clench into fists. He thinks maybe he should say something but he doesn’t know what. He won’t apologize for ridding the galaxy of a man like Unkar Plutt. She’ll see reason once she’s had a moment to think.

 

She huffs out a breath. “It’s really annoying not being able to control this connection.”

 

“Yes, it can be … trying.”

 

“I need to be alone, but I can’t! And … then sometimes I need to see you so badly and I can’t have that either.”

 

“I know.” He thinks that if she’d just come to him this wouldn’t be an issue, but he is absolutely certain now is not the time to broach that subject.

 

She keeps her face averted and he looks at her pleadingly, willing her to soften. The silence is stilted and cold until she fades.

 

He looks around her AT-AT bleakly and wonders how long it will take her to forgive him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! I posted 10 chapters in 10 days! *phew* I'm taking Christmas off, but will resume daily posting on Tuesday, 12/26. 
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the amazing support. I know I wouldn't be able to produce like this without everyone's wonderful kudos and comments. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, for being my biggest cheerleader.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to the 'Just you' scene, then the Ben Solo Pain Train gets going again. Space Eyre hears about Jentesh VI and the bubble bursts. Darth Darcy has some serious thinking to do.

_Before_

 

He holds himself still, the medical droid doing its work, methodically repairing her mark on his face. He tries to keep his mind blank, not wanting to think about _her_. But it’s no use. She’s never far from his thoughts.

 

He _should_ despise her, he _should_ be desperate to avenge himself, prove that an untrained sandrat is no match for him. He _should_ delight at the idea of her at the end of his blade.

 

But he feels none of these things and it _scares_ him. From the moment he first heard about the _girl_ he hasn’t made _any_ sense to himself. His instincts have been pushing him towards _something_ he can’t discern. His behavior has been profoundly illogical and feelings he’s never had before keep taking over his reason.

 

He’d had _numerous_ opportunities to kill her on Starkiller Base. She had no real idea what she was doing with that lightsaber until he’d stupidly let her fall into battle meditation. Never mind how she’d managed _that_. No, instead of pushing her off that cliff like he should have, he’d offered to teach her, wanting her to accept more than he’s wanted almost anything before. Then he’d just stared at her, lost in … no, he doesn’t dare finish that thought.

 

The thought of teaching her _thrills_ him. Helping to mold that incandescent power, see her reach her full potential ... The dark in her had been breathtaking to behold, and her light had called to him so fiercely.

 

Why did he even take her in the forest? It was such a poor decision to grab her like that instead of calling for reinforcements. And the way he wouldn’t let anyone else touch her, snarling at the stormtroopers who tried to take her from him … why had he _done_ that? He’d guarded her sleeping form, growling at anyone who came too close and he didn’t let her out of his sight until he’d left her in the interrogation chair.

 

All of this could have been avoided if he’d just stayed in the room with her instead of fleeing like a boy to Snoke. His lip curls slightly and the medical droid makes a warning sound. He makes his face placid again.

 

He remembers how she’d felt in his arms. Her slight weight had … calmed him. He’d carried her the entire way from his shuttle to the interrogation room then strapped her in himself, again refusing to allow anyone else near her. Then he’d simply crouched at her feet, waiting for her to wake. He could have nudged her with the Force, but something had needed to just … watch her.

 

And the _feelings_ she’d drawn from him while he’d been trying to get the map. Once he actually had bothered to look for it He’d been completely overwhelmed by the need to _know_ this fascinating woman, taking his time to find out more about her. He still hasn’t analyzed everything he’d learned. He avoids thinking about the girl. He tries to avoid thinking about the girl. And fails constantly, which really shouldn’t surprise him.

 

But, oh, the things she’d stirred in him when he’d taken off his mask for her. Why had he done _that_? He’d told himself it was simply a tactic to unbalance her, but he knows it was nothing of the sort. He’d just … he had wanted to show her that he wasn’t a _creature_ , he was a _man_.

 

A sinking suspicion has been building in his belly, why he might have behaved as he did. He doesn’t want it to be true, but he has no real way of knowing. He’s never felt _anything_ like this before. All he knows is that he’d had the overpowering need to be _near_ her. He’d wanted to … he’d wanted to take off his glove and touch her _skin_.

 

He hates touching people. It makes some part of him shrink away. There was a time when he constantly touched others, when he was with his family, the other apprentices, but that time is long dead and now he needs nothing and no one but his master.

 

Why would he want so badly to touch _her_ , feel her soft skin? What has she _done_ to him?

 

Even now, after she’d sliced his face open and left him to die in the snow … he wants … he wants …

 

Suddenly the Force shifts around him. He waves the medical droid away and focuses. Her, he’s sensing _her_. Then, no, that’s not possible. But his eyes are telling him that she’s right in front of him.

 

As soon as she realizes it’s him she’s going for her blaster and is shooting at him. Why is she always shooting at him? The blaster bolt has no effect and she’s running away.

 

Oh, no, he must understand this. He’s on his feet in an instant, running after her. This is his chance to make up for all of his recent failures, this is his chance at Skywalker. Just the thought of _that man_ makes rage lick at his heels and the dark call.

 

As soon as he’s caught up to her he reaches out with the Force, compelling her to give him Skywalker. Then he realizes how stupid that was. The mind trick would never work on her. What was he thinking? Again, around her he just doesn’t _think_. He grimaces, feeling like an idiot.

 

He can’t see anything but her, though he knows she’s not really here. His throat tightens as the unwanted thought winds through his mind. _Beautiful_.

 

Once she’s gone he finally accepts what he’s denied since he first saw her, so tempting in her fury. He just hopes he can keep it hidden from his master.

 

He knows what it is that he’s feeling.

 

He knows what he’s feeling for _Rey_.

 

_Now_

 

He looks down on Jentesh VI from his viewport in his chambers. It’s been three days since he’s seen her. He’s gone over his actions repeatedly and he really can’t find fault with his choices. He does see that perhaps she should have been allowed to decide how she wanted to deal with Plutt. But how was he supposed to have done _nothing_ after she’d told him of her tormentor?

 

That’s just not his way. He’s never had anyone that was _his_ before, and he understands himself enough to know that he will defend and protect her at all costs. Her safety is more important to him than anything else. And if he finds that someone has hurt her, in the past, the present, the future, he will make them _pay_. This is simply a truth she’ll need to learn to live with.

 

He wishes he could claim her properly. If the galaxy knew she was the Supreme Leader’s … consort … they would never dare lay a hand on her. He knows she can protect herself well enough on her own, but that doesn’t change the instinctual need deep in his bones.

 

A troubling thought forms. What if the Resistance is successful in rebuilding? There’s no way she would avoid the line of fire. His very own troops would be the ones firing. It makes his heart twist in his chest and he’s suddenly terrified that _his mother_ will be successful.

 

He grabs his comm, “Hux!” he barks.

 

“Sir?”

 

“Come to my chambers.”

 

“Right away, sir.”

 

A moment later, General Hux is before him, standing stiffly.

 

“Tell me the latest on the Resistance,” Kylo orders.

 

“There has been little change. Our spies tell us these _gatherings_ continue, but there are no signs of any shift in alliances. No movements of personnel or unusual activity. It appears that the princess is failing,” Hux says snidely.

 

The panic in his chest quiets somewhat. “Good, good.”

 

“We could, of course, move on Atalyn to ensure the final end to the Resistance and the failed Republic.”

 

He just manages to suppress a flinch. He won’t allow anyone near Atalyn so long as she’s there. “We need to concentrate on Jentesh VI, as well as identifying our next target.”

 

Hux’s nostrils flare and his eyes gleam with frustration, but he only says, “Yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

 _Finally_ she’s in front of him. Five days the Force made him wait. _Five days_!

 

“Rey!” he calls out in relief  from his reading chair in his quarters as he rushes to her. He already had his gloves off and every molecule of his body is singing out to have her in his arms again.

 

Her arms start to come up from her sides, as if to welcome him, but then they drop and her forlorn expression stops him in his tracks.

 

Ah. She’s still angry. Perhaps once they talk she will understand why he had to kill Plutt.

 

“Rey, I know that I upset you by going to Jakku-”

 

“This isn’t about that,” she says softly.

 

“It’s … it’s not?” he asks, perplexed at the … grief he sees in her eyes. For a horrible moment he wonders if something has happened to his mother. He’s frustrated with himself for even having the thought.

 

She shudders in a breath. “This is about the Jentesh system.”

 

He blinks once and shakes his head slightly. “What … what about it?” The Resistance isn’t threatened … he doesn’t understand.

 

“You really have no idea, do you?” Her eyes are very red and swollen. It’s clear she’s been crying for a long time.

 

He can’t help himself, he lifts his hand and cups her face, desperate to know what has her so terribly upset. Some deep part of him sighs in completion just at the feel of her soft skin. She leans into his touch for a moment then pulls back quickly. She closes her eyes and the pain written on her face has him deeply concerned. What’s happened to her?

 

“Please, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?” If someone has hurt her ...

 

Now she’s trembling. Whoever has made her feel like this will be dealt with swiftly.

 

“I really thought I could do it. Maker, I’ve never wanted anything more in my life …” Her arms wrap around herself and she’s holding on so tightly. “But that was naive of me.”

 

The mention of what’s between them makes him very wary. “What do you mean?” he asks carefully.

 

“I thought … I thought I could do this, keep it separate. I … I need you so much but I can’t … I can’t pretend any longer.”

 

Dread coils deep in his belly. “Pretend what?”

 

“That I can have you and live with myself.”

 

His breath is coming quickly, genuine panic beginning to take hold. “What are you saying?”

 

“After what you did to  the Jenteshi …  It made me see. I’ve only been deluding myself. I can’t do this with you. I know we can’t control this connection, but after this … when you appear, I’m going to ignore you until you leave. I won’t talk to you. I won’t … touch you.”

 

“What?” he gasps out. His mind can’t really even form the thought, the idea of her never touching him again is  too wrenching to even contemplate.

 

“I … I’m also going to start researching a way to … sever it. There must be something in-”

 

“NO!” he bellows. He grasps her shoulders and she tries to pull away. He doesn’t let her go for a moment than relents. “I will _not_ lose you.”

 

“You already have. You murdered thousands of innocent people just for … what they possessed.”

 

“It’s war! War requires resources!” He didn’t want those people to die, it was just the only way.

 

“Not like that, not like that.” She shakes her head sadly and her eyes are wet.

 

“I won’t allow it. I won’t let you just ignore me. Not after everything. How it feels when I touch you. Please, Rey, please don’t do this.” He doesn’t care that he’s pleading, pride doesn’t matter in the face of _this_.

 

A sob escapes her. “I don’t know what else to do! When we’re together, I feel so right, I feel _whole_. When you kiss me … but then when I’m away from you and I see what you’re doing, I can’t do it and be able to look at myself in the mirror.”

 

In that moment he finally sees the shame in her bearing. She’s … she’s ashamed to care for him. It feels so familiar, always unwanted, always _inconvenient_. “Am I so reprehensible?”

 

Her lip quivers and tears spill down her face. “Yes,” she whispers.

 

His heart cracks in his chest and for a brief moment it’s as if he’s in absolute stillness. She … she _means_ it. She’s going to reject him. Again. He’s going to have to have her right in front of him, and not be able to touch her. Oh gods, the pain …

 

He should just accept it, not keep begging. She always makes him beg. But he finds himself grabbing her hands. This time she lets him touch her. “Rey, listen to me. What’s between us, it’s … it’s destiny, we can’t turn our back on the Force. Please, please, sweetheart, don’t do this.”

 

“It hurts, it hurts so much.”

 

“It doesn’t have to. We’ll just go back to not talking about it.” His voice is strained and desperate. Anything, he’ll do anything not to lose this. Not to lose _Rey_.

 

“It hurts more to lose my self-respect. I never had anything, but I have always had myself. No matter how much I … I can’t and won’t give that up.”

 

“Maker, Rey … but … I love you,” he says pleadingly.

 

She breathes in sharply. “I know you do. I know.”

 

She didn’t say it back. Something dark and thick turns inside him. He lets her hands go and steps back. “But you don’t love me,” he says in resignation. Of course she doesn’t love him. How could she love a monster?

 

“That’s the worst part.” She looks at him with such anguish. “I _do_.”

 

Then she’s fading away and he’s left with his heart ripped to shreds and in more pain than he’s ever known. She loves him and she’s rejected him anyway.

 

And she’d never once called him ‘Ben’.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! But at least there's another chapter tomorrow? Please don't throw things at me.
> 
> Thank you all for your continued, and frankly astounding, support. You are really keeping me going and I get so gleeful when I post a new chapter. You're all incredibly kind and I'm so grateful for the time you're giving the Ben Solo Pain Train.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for always asking about my writing and being genuinely interested in the answer.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy totally falls apart at the prospect of no more Space Eyre. My stock of Ben Solo's tears is nicely replenished. Then he gets rather Kylo Ren about it all and Space Eyre has to face what her no touchy policy actually means.

Kylo stares at the space where she’d been, unable to move. If he moves then somehow it becomes _real_. If he holds himself perfectly still then perhaps time won’t continue on, this won’t have happened.

 

But it has. He _knows_ it has. Then his knees are buckling and he’s on the floor, gasping. He loves her so much and she loves him _back_. Yet she’s cut open his chest and he feels like he’s bleeding out. His heart starts to race and suddenly he can’t catch his breath. It hurts, Force, it _hurts too much_. He can’t, he can’t, he _can’t_.

 

His vision is tunneling and he can’t breathe. Oh, gods, he feels like he’s dying. Maybe that would be a mercy, he wouldn’t have to feel these scraping, tearing, soul-destroying things.

 

She’ll never touch him again. How can he possibly survive without her hands in his hair, her soft body in his arms … her lips on his? Now that he _knows_ what she feels like against him, gods he cannot imagine the agony of never having that again. Soon he won’t have to imagine it, it will be his reality. Soon she’ll be back and cold to him. He’ll have her right in front of him and he won’t be able to know that warm, calm closeness, how the torment quiets when he touches her soft skin.

 

Maybe she’ll relent? He could plead with her. He knows she feels it too, the bliss when they’re wrapped around each other. She can’t truly walk away from that, can she? Then he thinks of how hard her life was on Jakku, how resilient she is, and he’s certain that unless she changes her mind, this wall is insurmountable.

 

Oh, gods, it’s going to drive him mad, demented with _need_. He’s been on the edge for so long, his mind not his own, torn in so many directions. He’s always managed to find a way to keep himself marginally together, but this … he cannot fathom how he’s meant to do this and not fall apart utterly. He’s already hollowed out and consumed with the brutal pain of it all, and it’s only just begun.

 

He can’t stop seeing her beautiful eyes swimming with torment and finality. He knows she _meant_ it, and she’s going to do exactly as she’d said. Ignore him, refuse to let him touch her. All because of _politics_.

 

For a moment he wonders if he could do it. Turn his back on Grandfather, go to her … But he’s sacrificed too much to get to this place. He killed his own _father_ to be standing here. As much as he loves her, he cannot make that act be in vain. She’s the one who’s decided this. She’s the one who won’t bend.

 

How will he keep himself from reaching for her? Begging her for just a scrap? He’s certain he will never heal from this. How could he? She’ll continually rip out his heart, over and over again … this wound will never scar, just ooze and bleed.

 

But … it’s something. He’ll be able to see her. Force, it will tear him to pieces every single time, but it’s better than not being able to look on her. At least he’ll have that. He tries to hold onto this little ember of hope, to stoke it into a fire to warm his cold soul … then he remembers. She’d said she was going to research how to sever their connection. She’d be lost to him forever. No chance that she might turn to him again.

 

Just when he thought he couldn’t possibly hurt any more, the knowledge that she _wants_ to cut herself off from him snuffs out that one bright spot and he’s truly left unmoored, nothing to cling to.

 

Rey wants to destroy the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to him.

 

He throws his head back and _screams_.

 

\---

       

“Ben,” she murmurs against his bare chest. She’s in his arms and she’s _perfect_. She fits just so against him, as if their bodies were made for each other. He cradles her against him and holds her so close.

 

He pulls her up his body and finds her lips, kissing her reverently. Oh, he will gladly worship at her feet every day for the rest of his life. He pulls back slightly and looks into her eyes, eyes that are full of love. For a long moment he simply holds her gaze, lost in the bright hazel and the knowledge that Rey loves him. He strokes his hand along her cheek and then into her hair.

 

“I love you, beautiful Rey,” he croons before kissing her again.

 

\---

 

He wakes slowly, smiling from the warm safety of his dream. He hopes he’ll find her next to him in bed. Then he remembers and for a moment he thinks his heart has stopped in his chest. Never again. He’ll never have her nestled against him again.

 

His throat is so tight and he swallows, trying to push away the pain. But then tears are leaking from his eyes and he swipes at them furiously.

 

No, he won’t _cry_. He _won’t_. He won’t let her do this to him. But his limbs are tingling with the memory of her held tightly to him and _it’s no use_. The tears come faster and soon he’s trembling. He can still feel her in his arms, and oh gods, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Make it stop, anything to make it stop.

 

“Rey, please, Rey,” he begs into the night.

 

He draws his knees to his chest, holding himself tightly as he rocks back and forth and sobs.

 

He remembers how he’d felt the first moment their fingertips touched. How he’d seen so clearly their future together and now it’s just ashes and loss. Why would the Force _do_ this to him? GIve him what he’s always needed only to leave him understanding just what he cannot have again?

 

It’s just so bitterly cruel and his tears are coming so fast he can barely see. How could _she_ do this? Tell him she loves him and leave him like this? Share what’s between them and turn away from it?

 

He’s crying so hard that he’s choking on his tears and then he sees her.

 

No, please, no, not now! Don’t let her see him like this!

 

He tries so hard to stem his tears, but he just can’t stop crying. He’s on his side facing her. She’s sitting and then he realizes that she, too, is crying. She sobs brokenly and he wants so badly to just have her in his arms, one last time.

 

A few feet away from each other they hold each other’s eyes as they grieve, together, but so far apart.

 

\---

 

Insistent beeping pulls him from a thankfully dreamless sleep. It takes him a moment to realize it’s his door alert. Dragging himself from his bed, he wraps a robe around himself and goes to the door.

 

He finds an extremely disapproving General Hux on the other side.

 

“What?” Kylo snarls.

 

“Supreme Leader, it’s past mid-day. You turned off your comm.” Hux looks him up and down and sneers, “Are you ... ill?”

 

Kylo knows what he must look like. He can feel how swollen his eyes are. He can’t be seen like this. And, Force knows, he doesn’t think he can function today. Tomorrow, he’ll face it all tomorrow.

 

“Yes,” he spits. “I’ll turn my comm back on. Send anything pertinent to my datapad.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Hux says with a slight smirk, but makes no move to leave.

 

Kylo huffs, “Was there anything else?”

 

“Nothing that can’t wait until you’re … feeling better.”

 

“Well then, dismissed!” Kylo barks as he shuts his door in Hux’s face. That makes him feel slightly less dismal.

 

He wanders back into his quarters and resentfully activates his comm.

 

He waits for the shrieking pain to take him over, but he just feels numb. He stumbles back to his bed and waits for the oblivion of sleep to take him.

 

\---

 

Kylo sits in his chair in his quarters, staring at nothing. He has no sense of time and no idea how long he’s been sitting here. He’d had another shameful bout of tears and his head hurts from dehydration, which he does nothing about.

 

It was the civilian deaths on Jentesh VI that she’d reacted to. He wonders if it would be possible to adjust First Order policy to minimize casualties. If he did that for her, would she let him back in?

 

But if he did that … the rest of the leadership would want to understand and he would have no answer for them. He’s already aware that his refusal to end the Resistance must have caused a few … conversations.

 

He wishes he could be angry with her. But he’s just hurt and confused and terrified she’ll destroy the bond between them. The rest of it … he can cope with that … he hopes he can cope with that. But if he is never able to lay his eyes on her again, assure himself that she’s safe, he knows it would push him past his limits. And he’s already stretched so far.

 

A huge part of him wants to try to reason with her, make her see why he’s done the things he’s done. But that would mean sharing top level intelligence with her. What would the Resistance do with the knowledge that the First Order’s finances are hanging by a thread? Without that key piece of information, he can see that the bombardment of Jentesh VI likely did seem unreasonably harsh. They simply hadn’t the _time_.

 

So he’s back to what he most needs from her, what he needs to survive and stay sane. He _needs_ this connection to her, he needs it like food and air.

 

His head turns swiftly when he hears her sharp inhalation of breath. Her eyes are huge and he sees so much swirling in their depths. They’re anything but cold. Then she’s whirling and putting her back to him.

 

His body doesn’t seem to understand the new reality and he’s on his feet, going to her before he even realizes it.

 

But she’s shaking and holding herself, hunched over protectively as if waiting for an attack. She feels she needs to protect herself from him? He can’t have that.

 

She’s back in her rough, gray clothing and he realizes she must be wherever she’d been with Skywalker. She said she’d be alone and he wonders if she’s spent the time since they last saw each other as he has. Why is she _doing_ this if it hurts her as much as it does him? But he won’t ask that because he has a much more vital goal.

 

He approaches her carefully. “Rey, you don’t need to respond. Please just listen.” He runs his hand through his very messy hair, gathering himself. He knows what he wants from her and he’s hoping she’ll give him this one last thing.

 

“I promise I will respect your wishes and ignore your presence to the best of my ability … _if_ you will concede one point.” He pauses in case she chooses to respond. She doesn’t.

 

“Please don’t try to sever the connection. I … know you don’t … don’t want me anymore …” Her shoulders fall further and he hears her shudder. “But I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again, even just like this. The Force did this for a reason. Please, please don’t break it.”

 

Slowly, so slowly, she turns her head and looks at him. She’s in no better shape than he is, it would seem. Her eyes are filled with such longing that he has to grasp his hands behind his back to hold himself in check. She nods once.

 

He exhales in relief. “Thank you,” he says softly. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment and he tries to communicate with his eyes how very in love with her he is, and it almost feels like she’s doing the same thing. She’s not looking at him like she thinks he’s reprehensible. She’s looking at him like she wants to throw herself into his arms.

 

But he has promised, and so he returns to his chair, preparing to wait until she fades. Someday he might be able to pick up a datapad, or train, but today he simply sits and focuses on breathing in and out steadily, his eyes closed.

 

It’s all he can manage.

 

\---

 

The day had been a blur. He’d signed off on so many items without taking in any of it. The only way he’d been able to make it was to stay in a place of nothingness. He almost feels like he’s been sleepwalking. He finds himself hoping he doesn’t see her for a few days. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to fulfill his promise with the way he’s been feeling.

 

He takes some comfort in the fact that she’d agreed not to sever their bond, but right now he just wants to go back in time and have her with him again.

 

\---

 

Kylo moves through his saber forms and his blood is up. The anguish has given way to _anger_. How dare she! How dare she deny what’s between them. He’s done wallowing. He’s nearly convinced himself that he’s just going to go to Atalyn when she returns from wherever she is and _take her._ He’s the Supreme Leader and by the Force, she’s _his_. He imagines Poe Dameron in front of him and he bellows as he takes his phantom head.

 

She won’t be able to push him away if they’re near each other. The pull they feel will _make_ her relent. His body is thrumming with the need for physical release, but he’ll be _damned_ if he gives into his desire for her right now.

 

He needs a sparring partner. He wants to feel the satisfaction of his saber hitting something _real_. Snarling, he goes to his discarded tunic and belt and pulls out his comm. “Have TL-8176 report to my training room. Tell him to bring his vibroblade,” he commands whomever is on duty.

 

As he waits on the stormtrooper, he hacks and swings but it’s doing nothing to calm him. He’s lost in fantasies of having her with him, always with him.

 

Finally, TL-8176 arrives. “Sir,” he greets amiably.

 

They’ve sparred numerous times and Kylo almost likes the trooper, as much as one can like a stormtrooper. He can’t go as hard as he’d like, but it will have to do. The armor helps level the playing field somewhat.

 

“First blood,” Kylo barks as he spins his saber.

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

No time is wasted and they’re crashing together and Kylo bares his teeth. Finally, he’s feeling the evening effects of battle. He really should lead a mission soon, he’s been too long behind a _desk_.

 

He bellows as he charges at TL, punching him viciously in the chest. The trooper stumbles back but keeps his feet. Now TL swings hard and the impact against Kylo’s saber clangs up his arms. Yes! Good! This is what he needs.

 

Suddenly, she’s striding through his training room until she stops suddenly, startled. Her eyes grow very wide and she looks him up and down. Rey's lips part and she blinks rapidly, a flush rising in her cheeks. He doesn’t bother to hide his smirk. He knows what his naked chest does to her. _Look all you want, sweetheart. You’re the one who doesn’t want to touch._

 

But the distraction gives TL the upper hand and he grazes Kylo’s thigh when Kylo doesn’t manage to block him in time. Kylo hisses but welcomes the pain. He holds her eyes intensely as he digs his fingers into the wound. She grimaces and looks away and he _grins_.

 

Then he remembers his promise and he focuses on his sparring partner. Ignore her. He said he would ignore her.

 

“Again!” he barks to TL.

 

“Yes, sir” he responds.

 

Kylo doesn’t look at her again, but he feels her eyes follow him until she’s gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for not killing me! *grin* 
> 
> I'm humbled by every single one of you. I believe that for a story to come alive it's a symbiotic relationship between writer and reader. It's you that give it life. Thank you so much for gracing my writing with your time.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for understanding about how focused I am on this and not just dismissing it as 'oh, it's only fandom'. I could not have a more supportive partner. Thank you.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy finds out a key piece of intelligence, then thinks about Space Eyre ... rather actively. Wonder if she'll catch him? Space Eyre builds her saber and our boy watches with heart eyes.

Looking out on the composed and efficient officers, Kylo regards the bridge of the _Finalizer_. He’s always found the well-oiled machine of the bridge to be almost soothing. Everyone with a job, all fulfilling their purpose. So much more controlled than the chaos in his head.

 

He notices Hux stiffen while reviewing a datapad just handed to him by a junior officer. He glides up next to him.

 

“Problems?” he enquires smoothly.

 

Hux jumps slightly. “Supreme Leader! I didn’t see you there.”

 

“Hmm. Is everything in order?” Kylo asks with just a touch of contempt.

 

“Yes, _sir_. It’s simply that we’ve lost our chance at the Resistance on Atalyn. They’re on the move, heading further towards the Core. Pity we didn’t take the chance when we had it ...”

 

His chest tightens. No! What if their spies can’t tell them where the Resistance goes next? How is he going to _find_ her? He _must_ have her with him. He knows that now. He’ll play her little game, ignore her when the Force brings her to him, but this bond between them is _destiny_. It cannot be denied. She’ll come to understand that in time. She’ll forgive him. Eventually.

 

Wait. How does Hux know where they’re headed…?

 

“Do we have a _spy_ embedded within the remaining Resistance members?” he asks with eyes narrowed. He really should have been made aware of this.

 

Hux smiles so smugly that Kylo is instantly suspicious.

 

“One could say that,” the ginger irritant says vaguely.

 

Kylo growls, “You know how little patience I have for stalling. What _precisely_ is going on?”

 

“We should have this conversation somewhere private, Ren,” Hux says in a way that harkens back to earlier points in their relationship. When they’d almost been allies. Almost. Snoke had put paid to _that_.

 

Kylo had noticed Hux’s slip in protocol but decides not to remark upon it. He strides towards his chambers, not bothering to ensure Hux is following.

 

Once safely behind closed doors, Hux comes very close to grinning and it’s frankly disturbing. “Did you ever think to wonder _how_ we tracked the Resistance through hyperspace?” the exasperating man asks.

 

Kylo purses his lips. No, he really hadn’t. He’d had quite a bit on his mind at the time. Snoke had just … he still can’t really bring himself to think about the depth of his humiliation and shame that day when Snoke had mocked his mask, his entire identity, really.

 

“I leave such details to you,” Kylo says flatly.

 

“Yes, well, this little _detail_ is quite … satisfying.” The pleasure Hux is taking in this is starting to alarm Kylo. Anything that has Hux this … happy is something he should be wary of.

 

“Just spit it out, Hux.”

 

Hux’s eye twitches slightly. “Fine. It should not surprise you to hear that all stormtroopers are fitted with a subdermal tracker. FN-2187 was no exception. And so, in a stroke of beautiful irony, the traitor _himself_ will lead us to them. Every single time. They only _believed_ we’d developed new technology. A belief we should encourage.”

 

Oh … oh this is _perfect_. Much as he dislikes it, he knows that she’ll always be near FN-2187. He’ll always know where she is, no matter what. Always.

 

Kylo keeps the savage sense of possession off his face and nods. “Yes, I do see the advantage.”

 

“I thought you might,” Hux says with a wicked gleam in his eyes. “There is another benefit.”

 

“And that is?”

 

“Surely you see that we must avenge our dearly departed Supreme Leader Snoke?”

 

Kylo manages to keep from tensing. “Yes, of course,” he lies.

 

“We know that FN-2187 and the girl are close, when you _do_ decide the time is right, it will be easy enough to retrieve her.”

 

And this is why Hux has only pushed for action against the Resistance instead of making it a major point of contention. Hux has known this whole time that they have them cornered. But what has him truly concerned is the bloodlust in Hux’s eyes when he talks about Rey.

 

Kylo keeps his face blank as he says, “Excellent. Inform me of their new location once they’ve arrived.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Hux says with near glee.

 

\---

 

Kylo lays in his bed, lost to fantasy. At any time he can bring her to him once she’s returned with her lightsaber. It’s a captivating thought. He remembers what he’d seen when their hands had touched for the first time. That rush of overwhelming _connection_.

 

He’d seen them together, side-by-side, looking out on a huge crowd. There had been others with them, but he hadn’t focused on that, only looking at _Rey_. She’d been so beautiful, dressed much as she was that day she’d come to him, when they protected each other, ready to _fight_.

 

But her eyes had been so soft, and she’d reached up and cupped his face. And he’d _known_ , like he’s never known anything, that this was _true_. Someday, he will see that day made real. They will look out on a unified people. There will be peace and prosperity. The fighting will finally be over.

 

He remembers how the vision had changed, how he’d watched two sickly looking humans haggle with Plutt on a price for their _daughter_. He’s beginning to think that perhaps he should send a dreadnaught to Jakku, wipe it all away. But … no, she had not reacted well to his handling of that vile crolute. He’ll leave that junk yard alone. For now.

 

Her father had said, “Don’t cry, we’ll be back.” He closes his eyes tightly for a moment at the remembered cruelty. He’s not sure if her hope for her family is what protected her then or if it’s what keeps her so stuck now. If she’d only let go of the past and see the future he’s offering her …

 

She’d be with him, _right now_. He’d have her in his arms and perhaps … perhaps she’d allow him to slowly undress her, feel her skin against his. He tries to control his fantasies, but just touching her face, lacing his fingers with hers, it stirs him like nothing has, and he can’t imagine what it would be like to have all of that glorious skin pressed close against his own. Yet oh how he tries.

 

He hardens quickly at the thought. At first he ignores it, as is his custom. But then … then he thinks, why not? There’s no shame in thinking of her. Nothing about her could ever be shameful. She’s his beautiful Rey. And someday, someday soon he’s certain they will take that step together. Find out the extent of their connection. Merge their bodies as the Force has merged their very selves.

 

And so he throws off his blankets and pushes down his sleeping pants. He doesn’t grasp himself harshly as he usually does. This isn’t about long-denied physical need. This is about _her_. This is about needing to bask in how much he wants her. How much he loves her.

 

Slowly, he strokes himself, allowing the pleasure to build, remembering all of those luscious dreams. How her hand had felt on him, how soft yet firm her touch had been. Yes, it had been a dream, but somehow he’s certain that’s exactly how it will feel when she finally touches him like this.

 

He imagines her gorgeous, pert breasts, recalling the glimpse he’d had of her perfect body. All that silken skin, her lithe limbs and then … an apex of short curls, hiding her heat from him. His fantasies get a bit fuzzy here. He’s seen holos, but that’s not enough to supply what she might feel like. All he knows is he’s desperate to touch her _there_.

 

Maker, she was so exquisite … he thrusts up into his fist at the memory of how she’d felt in his lap as she’d ground herself down on his length, her slight weight in his arms. Just the memory is enough to quicken the tightness in his abdomen, the sparks of pleasure up his spine.

 

Force, this feels _good_ , taking his time like this. He’s never let himself really enjoy it before, just getting to the end so he can be done with it. This is so different, taken over by his imaginings. It’s almost as if she’s _here_.

 

He grunts into the empty room as he gets closer, sensing, chasing, needing the ache to resolve into bright ecstasy. Oh yes, yes, Rey, oh Rey, he’s almost there. Soon, soon they will be together. The thought of her sharing this with him, bringing her with him, pushes him over the edge.

 

“Rey, gods Rey,” he moans out as his release splatters onto his chest. In that moment he hears a sharp gasp and he’s horrified to find Rey’s eyes wide with shock, looking down on him.

 

Swiftly, he pulls the covers over himself and just looks at her. He knows he should be mortified, but instead he’s … he’s _excited_. Now she _knows_ , knows just what she does to him, how much he wants her, and, Maker he needs to kiss her quivering lips so badly.

 

She’s so still, her eyes flitting everywhere. Then they’re staring at a spot on his chest and he looks down, seeing a streak of his pleasure clinging to his chest. Deliberately, he wipes it away with his fingers then cleans them on his sheets. The droids will change his linens in the morning.

 

Finally, her eyes lock with his and oh, oh _yes_. He sees such desire in her dilated pupils, her quickened breath. Her arms are wrapped around her torso and she’s rubbing her thighs together. Yes, _yes_ , she wants him, too. He’s tempted to throw back his blanket and hold his hand out to her, but that goes against what he’d said he would do.

 

And so he nods at her knowingly, then turns over in his bed. Putting his back to her. Just like she’d asked.

 

He smiles to himself as he listens to her harsh breathing.

 

Nothing is stronger than what’s between them. She can delude herself all she likes, but he knows.

 

_He knows._

 

\---

 

The next time he sees her, she’s again at her books. She glances up for a moment and their eyes meet. She swallows as her fingers clench over the pages and she lets out a shuddering breath. Then she looks back down on her work and he returns to his datapad.

 

It _should_ hurt … but instead … it almost feels companionable. He can sense her nearness and it just feels … good, It’s not as intense as when they touch, but there’s something so deeply soothing about just _being_ with her.

 

He doesn’t say anything and neither does she. He’s allowed himself the luxury of an evening of reading history instead of the mountain of reports he should be ingesting. Instead he is pulled into the history of a Jedi and a Sith who fell in love. He smiles as he reads, knowing that he and Rey will find their way.

 

Just before she disappears she clears her throat and he looks up to find her face open. She holds his eyes as she fades.

  
\---

  
He has a horrible headache. He’s so sick of all the paperwork. He’s certain Snoke didn’t do any of this and that Hux is simply enjoying himself at his expense, but he’s also not quite sure how to make it stop. He’s not as strong as Snoke, nor is he as … mysterious. He doesn’t dare leave the everyday operations to Hux The minute he does that, he’ll find himself murdered in his sleep, Force sensitivity can only do so much.

 

He again finds his thoughts drifting to her. Rey. Beloved Rey. He smiles slightly. He likes that. She’s his beloved. He’s wanted to know what to call her and nothing had felt right. All the labels were either too childish or beyond where they are. But, beloved? That is wholly accurate. Rey is his beloved.

 

It’s been a few days since he’s seen her. Apparently the Resistance is now on Quol. Hux hasn’t pressed and Kylo is simply waiting for a sign that she’s returned to them. The last time he’d seen her, she’d seemed alone, so he believes she’s still studying and preparing for creating her lightsaber.

 

As soon as he knows she’s back, however, he’s going to bring her to him. He’ll go on his own, remove her quickly. He still hasn’t decided how he’s going to explain why she’s not to be harmed, but he’s certain he’ll come up with something.

 

He’s looking out across his chambers when he sees her and he gasps. He’s not sure he’s ever seen anything more breathtaking. Rey is making her lightsaber. She hasn’t noticed him and he’s certain she won’t. It’s a deep and profound meditation and the chances she will become aware of him are remote indeed.

 

He thanks whatever decides when to connect them and just … watches, enraptured.

 

Stars, she’s exquisite. The components dance in front of her, and deft fingers pluck and twist. Then her hands still for long moments as she gathers the Force for the next step.

 

It’s nothing short of stunning to watch how easily she manipulates the Force. She’s almost glowing. Her delicate face is calm and she has a slight smile. He’s not sure he’s ever seen her look more beautiful than she does communing with that place of balance he’d only ever found when building his first saber. Though … it’s not so dissimilar to how it feels to touch her.

 

He can almost see the Force moving through her and he is utterly certain that her saber is going to be exceptional and likely something he’s never seen before. Just like her. She’s such an instinctual creature, finding the right answer instead of the known one. She cuts through the chaos and holds the light in her hands.

 

He can feel her use of her power from where he’s sitting. He doesn’t dare get any closer. Besides, he’d promised. But, oh her light does feel sublime as it laps at him. He wonders if his dark has the same effect on her …

 

The lightsaber is taking shape and he only just manages to keep from calling out when he sees a crossguard. She’d … she’d decided to make a saber like his? His chest aches with longing and precious hope.

 

She’s nearly done and he’s beginning to panic. She wouldn’t want him here and he’s done a very poor job of ignoring her as  had said he would. He finds himself hoping the connection fades soon, even as he doesn’t want her to go.

 

As the last few parts whirl about her, she opens her eyes, looking straight at him. He suddenly feels that he’s witnessed something he shouldn’t, that he’s crossed some line.

 

But then she smiles and nods as she disappears.

 

Oh. Oh! She’d known he was there the whole time. And she’d been _glad_.

 

He closes his eyes and lets himself remember the delicious feeling of her light.

 

It’s going to be alright, everything is going to be alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your continued support, it's been so essential to keeping me going. This is a marathon, not a sprint and I feel like there are so many amazing people cheering me on and offering me bottles of water long the way.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for coming home after a day of work to make dinner so I could keep writing/responding to readers even though I'd been home all day. Mr. Downing could husband as an Olympic sport.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy is allowed to witness Space Eyre's new lightsaber, she admits that she wants him there and then these two poor broken space babies finally talk.

He’s stopped paying any attention to the requests he approves. The last one he’d taken in even slightly was a request for shifting the stormtrooper duty schedule by a single _hour_. Hux is clearly trying to overwhelm him with tedium and he refuses to play.

 

His back stiff, he stands and stretches. His arms are just falling back to his sides when he sees _Rey._ And oh … oh she’s moving through forms with her new lightsaber.

 

Time slows and he’s helpless to do anything other than watch. She’s … the grace in her movements, how she is so in tune with the Force, it’s stunning, stirring, and _humbling_.

 

He was right. Her saber is the most beautiful weapon he’s ever seen. To call it a _weapon_ feels crude. It’s a piece of art. The blade is long and slim, so white it seems almost silver. It’s smooth and hums quietly, sounding almost like a resolved chord. Nothing like the spitting fire of his own blade.

 

The crossgaurds are slightly thicker than his own and there’s … something about the hilt. Then she’s spinning and pulling the crossguard from the main blade and twin blades extend, creating a saber staff. Oh … Oh, she’s made two! She clips the main blade to her belt and twirls the staff nimbly.

 

He should turn away, but he’s powerless to tear his eyes from her. He’s reminded of an opera he’d seen as a boy, so beautiful it hurt. But he’d promised, he must stop this open, naked staring.

 

“It’s alright,” she says, startling him. She ceases her dance and places the now quiet staff back at the hilt of the saber at her hip.

 

He tilts his head in confusion. The last thing he’d expected was for her to speak with him.

 

She sighs, “Really, Ben, it’s alright. I … I’m glad you’re here. I … I wanted you to see them.”

 

Suddenly he realizes he _can_ see them. Then he remembers how he’d seen the books, too. Their connection is changing. Deepening.

 

“They’re gorgeous, Rey, I’ve never seen anything like them … how …” His tone is open with awe.

 

She smiles her perfect smile and shrugs. “I had two crystals, so I thought why not. I got the basics from my books and the rest just … came to me.”

 

“Two crystals …?”

 

“From … from Luke’s old saber.” She looks at him with a flicker of regret. “It cracked in two, but somehow they’re both stable. I didn’t think it would work, I was struggling, then you were with me and everything … sang.” Her eyes shine with joy and her light is beguiling in its strength.

 

Pushing away the memory of his shock when she’d tried to pull his grandfather’s saber to her, stabbing his offer through, he focuses on her open, welcoming bearing. She’s’ talking to him and that’s all that matters. “I was afraid you’d be angry that I was there, that you wouldn’t want to share that with me.”

 

Her eyes close briefly and her face grows tense. “I’m never angry to see you … Really, I can’t imagine _not_ having shared building my lightsabers with you. You were with me when I found the Force, when I first truly felt it flow through me … it was … _right_ that you were there.” She looks away for a moment then returns her gaze to him. ”I just … I don’t know how to be with you when you’ll order the deaths of thousands. I can’t … I can’t just ignore that.”

 

They’ve drawn quite close and she’s leaning towards him. It would be so easy to reach for her hands, but he controls himself. “I can’t tell you why, but I promise it was necessary. I don’t welcome death. I never agreed with the destruction of the Hosnian System and I don’t take lives lightly.”

 

She lets out a shuddering sigh and whispers, “I don’t know how to do this. I know I shouldn’t be with you but … I …” She swallows audibly and shakes her head. “I’m being torn apart,” she says so quietly he can barely hear her.

 

Rey looks so small and he just can’t take it. He pulls off his glove and, very slowly, extends his hand. Her eyes fly to his and she blinks quickly. Fear and longing flow across her delicate features and he keeps his hand held out to her, shoving away the memory of how she’d reacted the last time he’d offered his hand to her.

 

Her arm raises slowly and he sees her fingers tremble. It takes an eternity, but oh, oh there it is. Their fingertips touch, gliding, and soon their fingers are laced together.

 

Breathing quickly from the contact, he’s consumed by the much missed pleasure of her touch. Yes … here it is, everything he needs, right here in her fingers laced with his. He draws his thumb across her palm and she gasps sharply. They never look away from each other’s eyes as they stand, their hands and souls meshed.

 

They say nothing, simply basking in the glory of their connection until it fades.

 

\---

 

“Damn,” Hux mutters at his datapad. Kylo is standing next to him, looking out on the stars.

 

Intrigued, Kylo turns his head to look at his second-in-command. “Yes?”

 

Hux looks at him appraisingly. “Only that our spy network on Quol is not as well established as on Atalyn. We have less precise intelligence as to what the Resistance is up to.”

 

Kylo frowns, surprised at the ambivalence he feels. This should frustrate him, but instead he finds a part of him sigh in relief.

 

“Of course,” Hux continues. “We do have their location. Perhaps it’s time to take advantage of that fact?”

 

Kylo senses the danger, that somehow this is a test. He has to find a way to stall. He had intended to travel to Quol himself to bring her to him. He hadn’t really considered the rest of her … compatriots. And now that she’s talking to him again, he’s not at all sure he should take her like he’d planned.

 

However, he can’t put this off any longer. He needs time. “I want scenarios drawn up. Have the analysts review a stealth operation’s effectiveness.”

 

Hux’s lips purse. “I’m sure if we just wiped out their location-”

 

“We can’t keep simply using force. Isn’t it _you_ who told me that?”

 

The ginger irritant swallows tightly. “As you say, sir. I’ll request the analysis.”

 

“Thank you, Hux,” Kylo says with false gratitude.

 

\---

 

It’s late and he’s in his rooms. He should prepare for bed, but he keeps hoping she’ll arrive. It’s been two days and now that she’s talked to him, let him touch her again, he’s desperate to see her.

 

He’s afraid she’ll pull away, but he’s also tremendously hopeful. She’s letting him back in. They’ll find a way, he’s sure of it. They truly have no choice. They must be together. It was killing them both to be apart.

 

Finally! She’s here! Oh. Oh Force. She’s wearing very little clothing, clearly either about to go to bed or just waking up. He doesn’t know the schedule on Quol. But her hair is tousled, it must be the morning there.

 

She squeaks when she notices him and draws her arm across her chest, but not before he catches a glimpse of her nipples straining against the scant nightgown she’s wearing.

 

He doesn’t say anything, allowing her to decide how much of their last interaction will change things between them. It’s so tempting to pull her into his arms, kiss along the long column of her throat, pull the thin fabric from her body and finally taste her delectable breasts. But he stands firm, waiting.

 

The smallest of smiles plays on her lips, then she’s putting on a robe. He’s quite disappointed to see her form disappear behind the shapeless garment. But perhaps it’s for the best. He doesn’t know if he could focus with so much of her skin on display.

 

Skittishly, she comes up to him. Then she’s reaching for his hand and he eagerly twines their fingers. He doesn’t try to suppress the sigh of contentment that is pulled from his deepest places. Oh, Rey. Beloved Rey.

 

“Hi,” she says shyly, and he’s reminded of their first interactions after that awful day on the _Supremacy_.

 

“Hello, Rey,” he rumbles.

 

“I … I’ve been thinking …”

 

Cold fear skitters up his spine. It does not usually go very well for him when Rey has been _thinking_.

 

“Yes?” he asks with trepidation.

 

“I … I’d like to talk to you, really talk to you about what happened with … Snoke. We … we never really did.”

 

A nerve jumps just under his eye. He doesn’t like to think about that day, how wrong he’d been, the way too much had changed. How she’d rejected him … He stays silent.

 

“I mean, I know we see it very differently, but … I’d like … I’d like to understand _why_ you wouldn’t come with me.”

 

His temper flares and he finds himself snarling, “Or why _you_ wouldn’t join me!”

 

She drops his hand and he panics. Why can he never keep himself under control? But he won’t beg. Not today. He’s sure it’s only a matter of time before she has him begging anyway. She always does.

 

Her face is blank and he has no idea what she’s feeling. Her lips make a thin line then she takes in a deep breath and takes his hand again. “Please, Ben … can we try to just … talk?”

 

He’s not sure why this makes him so nervous, only that he’s not used to talking about what’s inside of him. But if … if he were to share his tumultuous thoughts with anyone, it would be Rey.

 

“Alright,” he finally concedes.

 

“Let’s sit?” she suggests cautiously.

 

He nods slightly and goes to his chair. He sees her pulling a chair, a chair he can actually _see_ , in front of him and soon she’s sitting quite close.

 

Rey takes in a deep breath and her eyes are sad when she says, “After we survived Snoke’s guards … you were looking at me so intensely. I thought you might just sweep me up in your arms, honestly. But then … you stopped and looked at Snoke’s body … or his throne. I’ve never known. What … what were you thinking?”

 

Oh he knows _precisely_ what he’d been thinking when he’d throw off the last of the guards. He’d been thinking that he wanted to kiss her so hard she forgot her own name, but then … then he’d realized it was over. It was finally over. All that pain and degradation. Snoke could never hurt him again.

 

And in that moment he’d wanted _all_ of it to be over. If he became Supreme Leader, with Rey at his side, he would finally be his own man. None with power over him. He’d be free. Finally, _free_. Force, he’d wanted it so badly. Still wants it. But he’s found it means nothing without her with him.

 

How to put all these feelings and thoughts into words?

 

“I was thinking I was free,” he finally says.

 

“Yet your first thought was domination, as you’d found your freedom,” she says, not unkindly.

 

He clenches his eyes shut. Of course that’s what she’d think. “No. Leading. Ruling. That’s not the same thing as domination.”

 

“Of course it is! Look at what Snoke did to the galaxy, to just want to be him-”

 

On his feet in an instant, he shouts, “Not Snoke, _never Snoke_! Do you understand what he did to me?"

 

She pulls back into her chair and looks at him worriedly. Quietly she says, "I ... I ... no ..."

 

"He _tortured_ me, Rey. Time and again he would make me _scream_. Just because he could. And I took it, Maker, I took it because I thought it was to make me better. I thought it was because he _cared_ ," he sneers, disgusted with himself. Gods, he feels like he’s going to be sick. He just kept coming back, groveling for more. What sort of twisted thing _is_ he? Allowing himself to be treated like that? _Welcoming_ it?

 

She blinks, staying silent.

 

Kylo goes to his knees in front of her. “Can you imagine? Can you? I gave him everything, _everything_ and the one thing I wanted, the one thing he _knew_ I wanted, he was going to make me kill _you_. You … who are everything to me,” he pleads, taking her face in his hand.

 

Rey nods and takes his other hand in hers. “I want to; I want to understand.”

 

"He had me so confused, so broken that I believed I had to kill my own _father_ ,” he whispers, his eyes stinging. He drops his hand from her face, unable to meet her eyes, the horror of his own actions too much to bear. He doesn’t want to see the way she looks at him when she’s reminded of his sins.

 

He keeps his head bowed and can’t blame her when she pulls her hand from his. But then, he feels her questing fingers at his cheeks and she’s pulling at his face, forcing him to look up. Finally, he allows her to lift his gaze to hers and what he finds takes the breath from his lungs.

 

There’s so much love and … and understanding in her eyes. Her fingers hold his face firmly and it’s so like how it had felt when his father had touched his cheek on that horrible nightmare bridge. For the first time, he allows himself to wonder if it truly was forgiveness he’d seen in his eyes?

 

“Is that why you did it, kill him? Did Snoke make you believe you had to?” she asks oh so gently.

 

He finds himself nodding.

 

“Oh, Ben.”

 

His name on her lips…. he suddenly knows why he allows her to use it. It’s because, somehow, when she does, it’s like he could maybe be everything she sees. It’s been such a long time since anyone thought he could be … better.

 

He’s going to pieces and the only reason he hasn’t disintegrated utterly is her strong hands holding him together. He’s trembling so hard that he can’t form proper thoughts. Memories come for him so fast and hard. The red glow of that moment on Starkiller Base, trying to find the rage he needs to commit this unnatural act.

 

Now on his knees in front of Snoke, understanding that he will never, _ever_ be good enough. Time has ceased to function. His blade goes through his father, the moment he understands it meant nothing, _nothing_ , spiraling, spinning, taking him down and breaking him open.

 

Rey, precious Rey screaming in anguish, wondering if his screams sound the same. Now he’s killing his master and his mind is his own. There’s no purchase to be found, heinous act after heinous act tearing through him.

 

But the she’s pulling him into her arms and oh, oh … Somehow she’s finding all of his broken parts and putting him back together. Eventually he stops shaking as she soothes him with her gliding hands and crooning voice.

 

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

 

Oh, and she does. How she does.

 

“I love you,” she murmurs against him.

 

He tightens his arms around her, feels her answering embrace and he chokes out, “I love you, Rey.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be so sad when I have to go back to work. I wish I could write like this forever! You have all been beyond fantastic and I want to throw a great big tea party for everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who continues to astound me by happily entertaining himself every evening so that I can write and connect with readers. Broke the mold when they made that one, they did.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre enjoy lemon interruptus, because he's so danged honorable. Then all those reports bite Darth Darcy in the ass.

Tired of his spinning thoughts, Kylo decides to go to bed early. He hasn’t seen her since last night, and after such an intense experience, he’s missing her in a way he can’t quite define. He always misses her when he’s not with her, but after he’d come undone so completely, the way she’d held him … he … he needs her.

 

It’s growing harder not to have her with him. He wonders … would she accept a small communications device? For when the Force keeps them apart for days on end … just so he can hear her voice? It would be a significant step, but he’s finding it more and more difficult to handle the distance.

 

Shaking his head, he removes his boots and begins to undress. She’d … she’d been so _tender_ with him yesterday, the way she’d cradled him against her … he wishes the Force had allowed them more time. She’d held him, stroking his hair, whispering in his ear how much she loves him. He’s never felt so … cherished.

 

He’d give anything to just have her in his arms again, _right now_. But he also accepted, in that moment when she’d clasped him against her chest, that he _can’t_ take her. Rey must make her choices. If he took her against her will … he sighs heavily, surprised he’d ever even considered it.

 

Once he’s ready for bed, he crawls under the covers, hoping for dreams of Rey …

 

\---

 

He rolls over, still half asleep and very ... _excited_ after a wonderful dream. But then … wait, her soft body is right next to him. Is he still dreaming?

 

Then she's pulling his arms around her and pressing her face against his neck and she’s so _warm_. The contentment winds through his system as he feels her weight held close. Nothing, _nothing_ , has ever felt like the glorious completion he feels when she’s safe in the shelter of his embrace. Now that he knows what it is to feel _whole_ , he thinks it would be easier to be without a limb than without her.

 

Mmmm, her lips are moving against his skin, and her flicking tongue combined with her solid presence settles him into a haze of comfort and lazy desire.

 

Eyes flying open, he understands that she's truly _here_. It must be morning for her and still early in the night for him. He groans when he realizes she's only wearing her thin nightgown and he strokes his hand along her back, the delicate fabric allowing him to feel the warmth of her skin.

 

Still muzzy from sleep, his hands glide down her body, skimming her curves. Maker, she feels _incredible_. They’re on their sides, her face still buried in his hair. She continues to kiss and nibble at the spot just below his ear and the combination of what they’d been doing in his mind and what’s happening _now_ is making coherent thought nearly impossible.

 

Tangling their legs together, she strokes her fingers along his bare back, continuing to kiss and suck at his neck. Her fingers leave sparks of bright ecstasy along his skin and oh, gods, oh, gods, he’s started to moan. Loudly.

 

Already partially hard from his dream, the feel of so much of their bodies pressed close has his cock like iron in an instant. Instinct takes over, and he grinds against her belly, his higher thinking completely derailed. So good, so good. He wants to pull off her nightgown and feel _all_ of her against him. Would it feel as delicious as it had in his dream, their bare bodies moving together?

 

Wait. He’s starting to come fully awake. They’ve only just come back together again and he doesn’t know what she really wants. She’s writhing against him and it would be so _easy_ to fall into that bliss, but he must stop this, talk to her.

 

He pulls back and looks into her eyes, stilling. “I’m sorry, I was dreaming of you, then you were actually here, and I-”

 

Her fingers press against his lips and her endless hazel eyes are half lidded with desire. She shifts them, pulling him so he's atop her, fully nestled in the cradle of her hips.

 

Oh my gods he can't _think_. How could he possibly _think_ with this humming rightness throbbing through his entire body? He looks down on her, searching her eyes. Is this truly what she wants? How far can he take this? How far does he _want_ to?

 

She sighs out, “Ben,” then rolls her hips against his length and a strangled groan escapes him.

 

The way his name sounds on her lips _does something_ to him and he's catching her mouth with his, kissing her deeply.

 

Oh, how he's missed her. They'd not talked about what's next, but she's not stopping him. To hell with it, talking is overrated. She's enthusiastically bucking her hips beneath him and he’s only too happy to answer her call.

 

“Ben, Maker, Ben,” she pants out as she pushes herself against his erection.

 

‘Ungh, gods, Rey. Force, you feel amazing.” There’s nothing but the feeling of her body undulating against his.

 

He looks into her eyes for a moment, needing to assure himself that she wants this, to be close like this. She smiles so sweetly, then her expression changes to pure hunger and she kisses him fiercely, thrusting her tongue between his lips.

 

Kylo nearly comes right on the spot when he realizes the only thing between him and her welcoming heat is two thin layers of fabric and he’s lost. They build an ancient rhythm and he can’t think through the indescribable pleasure she’s pulling from him. What would this feel like, he wonders, to be truly buried within her?

 

He wants to focus on _everything_ , take it all in, but it’s happening so quickly. Her hands on his bare back, the way she’s kneading her fingers into his flesh. How her legs are wrapped around his waist, pulling him to her with each thrust.

 

Panting and moaning, he’s sure he’s never seen anything so enticing as the gorgeous flush that has bloomed along the tops of her breasts; he wonders how far down it goes.

 

“Ben, I _need_ you,” she pleads, her voice so full of want, but he's not sure what she's asking.

 

She throws back her head and exposes her throat to him. Continuing to grind against her, he bends forward and sucks at the juncture of her neck and shoulders.

 

Her skin tastes so _right_ , so silky smooth under his lips. He sucks and nibbles and he's overwhelmed by the depth of emotion swirling around them. He loves her. He wants her. Oh, stars he _wants_ her.  

 

She growls impatiently and he falters. Has he done something wrong? But then she grabs his hand and nearly shoves it towards her breast.

 

His mind goes blank at the feeling of the pliant flesh that only just fills his palm. Oh. Oh!

 

He looks into her eyes, seeking permission and she nods frantically.

 

Unsure of what to do, he squeezes her breast. That just makes him want _more_. There's a flash of shyness in her eyes before she slowly draws her gown down. She … she wants …?

 

“Please,” she begs in a husky voice that makes his cock jump. “ _Touch_ me.”

 

Her eyes are almost black with her wide pupils and slowly he takes her rosy nipple between his fingers and strokes it, fascinated with how it tightens. She gasps and nods and he stills his hips, entirely enthralled by her gorgeous breast.

 

Stroking his fingers along the crinkled flesh, he smiles when she whimpers and bucks against him. Her taught peek beckons to him and he _needs_ to feel it between his lips. He descends slowly so that she may stop him, but when he glances up, she’s nodding encouragingly.

 

Oh, oh this is perfection. The feel of her hardened flesh between his lips speaks to some part of him he’s only just discovering. He sucks, hard, and she cries out. For a moment he’s worried he’s hurt her, but then she’s begging, “Yes, more, please, more.”

 

Spurred on, he pushes down her nightgown further and strokes her other nipple with his fingers as he suckles at her breast. Her nipple grows in his mouth and it fulfills something deep and primal within him.

 

She keeps rubbing herself against him, almost sobbing and it’s all so intense. _He’s_ doing this to her. Giving her this pleasure. His Rey. His beloved Rey.

 

Then she holds his eyes intensely and reaches between them. He starts when she grasps his hardness through his sleeping pants.

 

Wait. This is … they have to talk. If he doesn’t stop this they’ll … and if she pulls away from him again, after sharing _that_ , he knows it will _kill_ him.

 

“Rey,” he murmurs as he pulls away gently, taking her hand from his achingly hard cock. A frighteningly large part of him wants to push down his clothing, wrap her fingers around him, give himself to her, but not like this. Not when his blood is so heated and his body not quite under his control. This must be a true choice.

 

He takes in her face and finds her expression frustrated and almost angry. “Sweetheart, we must talk.”

 

“I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to _think_.”

 

“But you’ll wish we had later.”

 

“I won’t,” she says stubbornly.

 

He holds her gaze and watches as reason comes back into her eyes. She sighs with frustration. “You’re right.”

 

Regretfully, he watches as her beautiful breasts disappear as she pulls her nightgown back up. His whole body screams with denied need, but he forces it away, knowing that he’s right.

 

The unfulfilled ache in his core _hurts_ , but he ignores it and smoothes her hair back from her face as they both shudder harshly, calming down. He leans his forehead against hers and shifts his still insistent hardness away from her. Now he’s on his side and pulling back, trying to put distance between them.

 

But she won’t have it, chasing his heat. He rolls on his back and she rolls with him until her cheek is pressed against his chest and her fingers clutch at him slightly.

 

Gathering her close, he kisses the top of her head and breathes in and out slowly. He has a lifetime of controlling his body and its reactions, but that was to pain. He finds he has few defenses to the pleasure she builds within him.

 

They stay like that, holding each other until their breathing has calmed. Eventually he softens and the ache fades. Reaching down, he lifts her face so that he may see her eyes. She seems almost sheepish.

 

“Rey?”

 

Her eyes fill with shyness. “I … I’m sorry.”

 

“For what,” he asks, genuinely confused.

 

“I got … I got so carried away … I didn’t mean to push you. If you don’t want …” He can hear the unvoiced ‘me’ and it knifes through him.

 

“No!” he says emphatically, startling her. He clenches his eyes shut for a moment. “I mean I _do_. I want you, this, _all of it._ You. It was just that if we’d … and then you’d pulled away again … “ His eyes flit away and he pushes away the memory of her rejection. It’s not so simple and he must remember that.

 

“Oh,” she says softly. “I thought … I thought maybe I was doing it wrong.”

 

“What?” he gasps out.

 

She shrugs slightly and he’s angry with himself for making her feel rejected. “Rey … please don’t doubt that I want you, everything about you. It’s only that we haven’t really talked about … what … what you want. You know what I want.” _You, by my side. Always._

 

Her voice is impossibly young when she says, “I don’t know.”

 

“What don’t you know?”

 

“I … I’ve never felt like this, _ached_ like this, needed like this and it … it overwhelms me. Sometimes I want to forget all my principles and just come to you. Other times I tell myself what’s between us is all that matters.”

 

“Maybe it is,” he offers.

 

“I wish it was that simple.”

 

“It is, beloved.”

 

Her eyes widen. “You mean it, don’t you?”

 

It takes him a moment to understand what she’s asking. Then he recognizes that look in her eyes, when she seeks her family. “Yes, Rey. I love you.”

 

She smiles a little smile that seems to be for herself. “I don’t know what to do next, but, right now … can that be enough? That I love you, and you love me?”

 

“It’s always been enough for me.” It’s fast becoming all that truly matters to him.

 

She nods and settles her head back against his chest. He holds her close, savoring how she feels in his arms. Occasionally she strokes her fingers along his skin, but doesn’t say anything else before she’s gone.

 

He never feels so cold as when he has to let her go.

 

\---

 

More reports. They’re endless. He has to figure out how to get Hux to only send him the essentials. Perhaps he should have Mitaka review them?

 

He cocks his head. There’s … something, a shift. He stands from his desk and moves towards the bridge.

 

\---

 

He finds more activity than he’s used to and he’s instantly suspicious. What’s going on? He looks over to Hux, who is looking exceptionally satisfied and that makes his stomach drop. What is he up to?

 

“Hux,” he growls.

 

Hux’s head snaps up and he pales, which is quite a feat for the pasty general. But he quickly wipes all expression from his face.

 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux says evenly.

 

“What’s going on?” Kylo asks, trying to keep the ratcheting alarm under control. Something is _wrong_.

 

“Ah, well, yesterday you signed off on an attack on Quol, the _Tarkin-_ ”

 

“What?!” Kylo bellows. No, no, NO!

 

Innocently, Hux says, “I have it here, that is your signature, isn’t it?”

 

With the Force, Kylo flings the datapad clear across the bridge and officers dive to avoid the shards of glass as it shatters.

 

“Call off the attack,” he orders, utterly failing to keep the panic from his voice.

 

“Sir?” Hux asks with mock confusion.

 

“Hail the _Tarkin_! Call off the attack.”

 

“Well, the battalions are already en route, sir …” Hux says smugly.

 

Hux’s boots barely touch to floor as Kylo pulls him to him with the Force. Once he has his fingers around Hux’s throat he squeezes so hard that the general is fast turning purple. “Hail. The. _Tarkin_ ,” Kylo hisses before throwing the vicious rat to the floor.

 

Hux lands in a heap and gasps in quickly. When he turns to look at Kylo there is pure hatred in his pale eyes. _Fine. Hate me all you want, you duplicitous little vermin._

 

Refusing to wait any longer, Kylo barks at the communications officer. “Hail the _Tarkin_ , NOW!”

 

“Yes, sir!” she quickly responds.

 

Watching tensely, Kylo pleads desperately to the Force to bring her to him. He must warn her! He can’t lose her. Not like this. Not _ever_.

 

Then the communications officer is shaking her head and looking up at Kylo in terror. “I’m sorry, sir. The _Tarkin_ isn’t responding to hails.

 

“Keep trying,” he orders, spinning on his heels, striding to his chambers. Hux has only just gained his feet and Kylo hits him with a bout of lighting as he passes. And that is just the beginning of the pain in store for _General Hux_.

 

He’ll warn her, she’ll come to him and he’ll warn her. The Force _will_ bring her to him.

 

It has to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just two more daily chapters after this, I'm afraid. I don't wanna go back to work! There are no words for my gratitude to my readers. Thank you.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who still lets me read him funny reylo things from tumblr. He doesn't even roll his eyes!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy begs the Force to bring him Space Eyre and has to truly face what leading the First Order truly means.

As soon as the doors to his chambers slide shut, he’s on his knees, reaching out to the Force. _Please, please, please._

 

He’ll give anything if the Force will just bring her to him. He looks around wildly, hoping to see her, but the cavernous room is empty of all save himself.

 

He goes into his meditation pose and breathes in and out, focusing intensely, trying to slip into the currents of the Force. This would be easier if he were on a planet, surrounded by life. The Force is always different in space.

 

But he doesn’t give up, reaching, reaching, pushing himself farther than he ever has. He senses all the beings on the _FInalizer_ and goes farther.

 

He nearly loses the thread of his seeking when he imagines Rey overwhelmed by troopers, falling in battle, her delicate face empty in death. But he shudders and pulls himself together. A golden thread beckons him and he follows it. It feels like _her_ and he glides along the pulsing energy.

 

When he brushes past his mother he almost falters, then he wonders, could he warn her instead? Wait … _something_ , he feels a tug in his chest and there, _there_ she is.

 

_Come to me Rey, come to me._

 

The Force shudders and he opens his eyes and scrambles to his feet when he finds her standing right in front of him.

 

“Ben?” she asks, a touch of fear in her eyes. “What is it, what’s happened? You look-”

 

“Listen to me. You’re about to be attacked on Quol. You have to run; you have to run _now_. Take my mother and _run_.”

 

“You know where I am? You … you’re attacking us?” she asks, her eyes welling with hurt and betrayal.

 

“No! I swear, I didn’t know. It’s Hux. He went behind my back and the _Tarkin_ , the ship leading the attack, they aren’t responding to hails. I know Hux has arranged it. I tried to stop it once I knew, I tried, I promise, I tried. But we don’t have time, you have to leave!”

 

“Our allies, all the people who have helped us. We can’t just run. We have to defend them, defend ourselves.” The resolve he sees in her eyes makes his stomach sink.

 

“No, Maker, no, you have to get safe. Please, please, sweetheart, you have to be safe. I can’t … I can’t bear to lose you.” He’s quite certain he wouldn’t survive her loss. She’s part of him. She’s his heart, his soul. He can’t live without her. He _won’t_.

 

“Well then you shouldn’t be leading the First Order. This is war. People die in war. Even me.”

 

Her cold pronouncement freezes his heart in his chest. On some dim level he knows he is responsible, that he and the First Order are one and the same, but he can’t think about that now.

 

“I don’t accept that. I’m begging you. You have to run!” he pleads, grabbing her hands. He feels her stiffen, but she lets him lace their fingers together. He wants to pull her into his arms and somehow shield her from what’s coming. For one, reckless moment he wonders if he could project himself as Skywalker had done.

 

“No. I’ll tell Leia. Maybe she’ll want to run, but I don’t think so. She’s done running.” Her eyes are hard and full of a quiet rage that startles him.

 

The panic is threatening to rip him in two. How to make her _see_? He knows just how ruthless the First Order is, they have to get away! Then he remembers the tracker. Even if they succeeded in escaping, the _Tarkin_ would be right on their heels.

 

“Rey! There’s a tracker in FN-21- ah _Finn_. That’s how they followed the Resistance through hyperspace, and how they found you now. Get away and destroy that tracker! Even if you defend yourself successfully, you’ll never be safe.”

 

Her eyes widen in shock and there’s a twist of near-hatred in her gaze.

 

“Run, Rey, _run_.” He holds her eyes intensely, willing her to please, please, just this once, do what he’s asked.

 

But she stiffens and almost sneers, “ _’They’_ found us. Don’t you mean ‘ _we’_?”

 

There isn’t time for this! “‘We’?” he snarls angrily, completely confused and desperate for her to just get moving.

 

“You said that’s how _‘they’_ found us. Shouldn’t that be ‘we’? How _you_ found us?”

 

HIs mouth opens and closes. She’s right. Of course she’s right, but everything is spiraling so badly out of control and he just needs her safe, gods, he needs her safe.

 

“You’re right. I know you’re right. I but I swear to you that I would never have allowed this if I’d known. You have to believe me. You _know_ what you mean to me!”

 

Her hard expression falters and he just sees tumult and sadness. He strokes her knuckles with his thumbs. “Please, Rey. I can’t lose you, please, I’m _begging_ you. I’ll do anything you want if you’ll just run!”

 

Then she looks to her left quickly as she stumbles. She swiftly returns her gaze to his, her eyes wide with real fear, and she whispers, “They’re here.”

 

And then she’s gone.

 

He screams out his powerlessness and grabs his head. No, no, NO!

 

\---

 

Back on the bridge, he’s barely holding on. He stalks past Hux to the communications officer. “Have you succeeded in calling off the attack?”

 

“No, sir,” she responds, trembling. “No response to hails.”

 

Without looking, he holds his hand out and pulls Hux to him with the Force. Once he feels his fingers wrapped around the traitor’s throat he slowly swivels his head to regard his prey’s infuriatingly pleased eyes. There’s fear there, but there’s also _accomplishment_ and Kylo growls, “What was the battle plan?” in a low, barely controlled voice.

 

Hux tries to speak, but can’t through the pressure of the gloved fingers squeezing forcefully, so Kylo removes his hand from around his neck but keeps him suspended before him with the Force.

 

Gasping for air, Hux says, “You don’t recall the specifications I provided?” Kylo can feel the glee in his voice and he genuinely considers ripping his head from his body.

 

“Now, Hux!” Kylo barks.

 

Relenting, Hux says, “The compound is in the middle of Trant, Quol’s largest city. The Resistance has grown to approximately 150 members. We sent three battalions.”

 

That’s … that’s almost 1,000 stormtroopers. He desperately hopes that Rey is running, _right now_. There’s no way the Resistance will survive this. Kylo releases Hux and just stares at the deck, his heart pounding hard and fast in his chest.

 

Will he feel it when she dies?

 

“One wonders, _Supreme Leader_ , why you are so … distressed,” Hux muses as he straightens his uniform and smoothes his hair.

 

“It’s wasteful. You know our situation,” Kylo responds threateningly.

 

“Not to do with … General Organa?” Hux asks with suspicion.

 

Kylo stalks towards him menacingly. “You of _all people_ should know I’ve proven myself on that score.” He flinches as he feels his father’s hand on his face. “Of course, you are only a bastard, so perhaps you don’t truly understand.” Kylo smirks in satisfaction as he watches his barb hit true.

 

Hux’s eyes flash with _murder_ and he hisses, “Your position is quite precarious, _Supreme Leader._ I’ve given orders she be taken alive. Don’t push me.”

 

Kylo steps back and looks at Hux, truly looks at him. In that moment Kylo realizes what a foe he’s created. Or perhaps this is always what Snoke had intended. There had been a time when he and Hux had found something close to comradery, before Snoke had stoked the rivalry of their respective positions.

 

But … Hux has commanded the First Order military for years. Whatever loyalty Kylo enjoys is born of fear, but Hux … Hux is respected.

 

He wants to take the general’s life, right now, make an example of him. Yet… he’s not sure what the outcome of that would be. And perhaps … perhaps he’s ordered that Rey be kept alive as well.

 

“And the orders for the rest of the Resistance?” he asks, attempting to sound disinterested, knowing he’s failed.

 

A pleased, tight smile breaks out across Hux’s face. “Killed on sight.”

 

Kylo can’t keep his eyes from closing in pain. He has to believe that she’s alright, that somehow he would know. Then Hux continues, “Oh, except the girl. She, she’ll need to be publicly executed, of course.”

 

He just manages to keep himself from stumbling from relief, but he keeps his feet. He lets out a slow breath. Rey will be safe. His mother will be safe. He’s not sure how he’s going to protect them, but he’ll find a way.

 

“Inform me when it’s done. I’ll be in my chambers,” Kylo orders, knowing that he can’t keep up the facade of being even remotely under control. Even if she won’t be killed, not knowing what might happen to her, what they might _do_ to her … he knows how First Order prisoners are treated. He has to be out of sight.

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux says with undisguised triumph.

 

\---

 

He paces back and forth, the need for news keeping him moving frantically. Once Rey and his mother are captured, he’ll have them brought here, somehow he’ll get them to safety. It’s too easy to imagine Rey in binders, beaten and bloody. The thought of her at the mercy of his stormtroopers before he can get to her makes him start to shake. He can’t think about it.

 

Boots clanging along the deck as he moves, he begins to wonder if he should take his shuttle to Quol. But it’s too far, he’d never make it in time. Though … it would lessen the amount of time she’d be in their custody. His eyes close briefly as he can almost physically feel a blaster come down on her head. No, it would raise to many questions. He has to stay where he is. She’s strong. She can take it. He’ll never forgive himself for it, however.

 

How will he free them? Perhaps he could change the memories of the troopers, make them think Rey and his mother had been killed? But how to keep Hux from wanting Rey’s death broadcast ...

 

Gods, he’s never been so afraid in his entire life. He thought that night after the temple, that he would never again feel so lost, so powerless, so unmoored, but this, this is so much worse.

 

He’s the most powerful man in the galaxy and yet he cannot keep his beloved _safe_. What is the point of any of it?

 

Rey’s soul-rending scream rips through his chamber and his heart, pulling him from his wild stalking. His eyes dart to where it came from and he’s rushing to her. There’s so much blood!

 

She’s doubled over, holding her side with one hand, the other arm hanging uselessly. Her whole shirt is soaked through, a horrific shade of red covering almost all of her torso. Oh gods, he never, ever wanted to see this.

 

“Rey!” he shouts, rushing to her and catching her falling form then he lays her gently down.

 

“It’s alright. We’re safe. We’re on a ship,” she whispers. Then she’s jerked from his arms and he realizes medical personnel are working on her.

 

The red bloom on her tunic only keeps growing and she’s so pale. She coughs and, gods, blood trickles from the edge of her mouth. He wants to _howl_. He wants to break things. He wants to rip Hux limb-from-limb. He wants to fall to his knees and weep, begging her forgiveness.

 

He’s failed her. His beloved is bleeding out right in front of him. _He’s failed her_. The First Order did this. _He_ did this.

 

A murderous rage takes root in his gut. _Hux did this_. He’s going to take that ginger vermin _apart_.

 

She looks at him with wide eyes, then he sees as her shirt is cut off of her, and the extent of the damage is revealed to him. A huge chunk of her side is just … gone and it won’t stop bleeding, thick rivers of her life coursing down her hip. He’s never seen anyone so pale. He forces himself to look at what he allowed to happen to his beautiful Rey.

 

He knows she can’t respond to him, but she _can_ hear him. “I’m here, Rey, I’m here. I love you so much. They’re going to take care of you. You’re going to be alright. I’m here, I’m here.”

 

Her eyes hold his and she nods almost imperceptibly. He rips off his gloves and places his hand over hers, and oh Maker, she’s so cold. “I’m here,” he repeats.

 

Her breathing is shallow and labored and her mouth is nearly blue, flecks of blood clinging to her lips. Lips he loses himself in kissing. How much blood has she lost? Oh, Force, what if he’s about to watch the life ebb out of her?

 

Her brows shoot up and he sees terror crash into her eyes, but then there’s steely resolve. “I understand. I'm … I’m ready,” she says with a weak voice to whomever is working on her wound.

 

Ready? Ready for what? What are they going to _do_ to her?

 

“Rey, what is it, what’s happen-” Her tortured scream reaches down deep inside him and tears his soul from his body. Her hand clenches around his and he watches as her wound is _cauterized_. The sounds she’s making are both guttural and shrill and he’s never heard anything more horrible. Rey, Rey, Rey. He holds her hand fast, her fingers digging into his skin.

 

“That’s it, hold on as tight as you need to. I’m here. I’ll always be here. I love you, I love you,” he calls desperately. He would give anything, everything, to take her place, bear this pain for her. Pain he brought to her.

 

Just when he doesn't know if he can take anymore of her agonized screams, she passes out from the pain. He watches as the rest of her wound is burned closed and he can smell the charred flesh.

 

_I’m sorry, beloved. I’m so sorry._

 

He watches her for a long time. Her face grows calm, almost placid, but she’s still terribly pale. She won’t be waking up for quite some time. Settling on the floor next to her, he lays his head on her thigh.

 

The feel of her body beneath his cheek quiets some of the sickening fear.

 

He never lets her hand go.

 

\---

 

HIs comm startles him from his vigil and he angrily pulls it from his belt. “Yes,” he hisses, trying to keep from waking Rey. Rest is the best thing for her right now.

 

“Supreme Leader, please join us on the bridge for an update on the operation,” Hux’s voice crackles through the small device.

 

Kylo glances at Rey’s peaceful face. Someone has settled a blanket over her naked torso and he can’t see her damaged side any longer. He’s both relieved and frustrated. He should have to _see_ what he let happen to her.

 

“Just send your report to my datapad.”

 

There’s a long pause. “The report will take some time. You don’t wish to know the outcome?”

 

In that moment he realizes his mother might have been captured and the conflict within him is immense, but he won’t take the chance that Rey wakes and he’s not with her. While he hopes his mother has escaped, he won’t leave Rey.

 

“Just tell me Hux,” Kylo sighs out wearily.

 

There is another long pause and Hux’s confused voice says, “Unfortunately, the majority of the Resistance escaped, along with Leia Organa, but Trant has been obliterated. The galaxy will soon hear what happens when you ally with the loathsome _Resistance_.”

 

“Understood,” Kylo acknowledges.

 

He’s about to switch of his comm when Hux asks, “You don’t wish to know the fate of the girl?”

 

“Fine, go on,” Kylo orders shortly.

 

“She also escaped. But it’s only a matter of time before Supreme Leader Snoke is avenged.”

 

Kylo forces himself to say, “Next time, we’ll have our revenge next time.”

 

Then he ends the communication and shuts off the device entirely. He … he doesn’t want anything to interrupt him while he watches over Rey.

 

Some color has returned to her cheeks and she’s receiving a blood transfusion. He’s relieved he can see the equipment. It’s of good quality and he’s reassured that she’s going to be well cared for.

 

His eyes roam over her face, hungrily taking in every detail. Her silken skin and fine cheekbones. The upward turn of her eyes, how her brows arch so delicately. While he’s pleased she’s resting, healing, he finds the need to see the bright hazel of her eyes is nearly overpowering.

 

He shifts from his place on the floor and pulls a chair to him with the Force. He never releases her limp hand as he awkwardly maneuvers himself into the piece of furniture. Soon, he’s seated next to her, rubbing her palm with his thumb. He wraps his other hand over hers and hangs his head. The shame and self-recrimination is thick and sharp.

 

Closing his eyes is a bad idea, all he sees is her blood everywhere, so he sits back, looking on her intensely.

 

“I’m so sorry, Rey,” he murmurs.

 

Her hand stays still in his, but her strong pulse beating against his fingers keeps him from breaking down at her bedside.

 

Bending forward, he leans over her, tucking a stray piece of her messy hair behind her ear. Now that he’s closer to her, he leaves a lingering kiss on her forehead, letting himself feel the warmth of her skin against his lips.

 

Shifting to her ear, he breathes out, “I love you. I will always love you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last daily update! I'm going to be so sad to have to _work_. My hope is to have another chapter up on Thursday, but I'll keep you posted on tumblr. I'm in the last stretch of this mad dash and I'm so grateful to all of you. Truly. 
> 
> Happy 2018, many Reylo returns of the day!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has kept me fed and hydrated while I succumbed to the writing bug. This morning he said, "You know what the great thing about being married is? We don't have to go out for New Year's Eve."


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre refuses pain medication and Darth Darcy is having none of it. Woohoo! High Space Eyre! But is Darth Darcy ready for her honesty? Then Space Eyre forgets herself.

Rey panting, “Just do it,” pulls him from his fitful sleep at her side.

 

Her face is tense and braced for _something_. He may be able to see some of her surroundings but he still can’t see everything and Maker, he _hates_ it.

 

He crouches by her immediately. “Rey, what is it?” he asks, already panicking. He should truly be with her, making sure that her care is the best in the galaxy. The well- trod path of thinking if she’d only chosen to be with him then he could protect her, love her … it feels wrong. Yes, none of this would have happened if she’d taken his hand that day, but his righteous fury just feels pointless in the face of nearly losing her.

 

Her eyes shift back and forth between him and what he can only assume is a doctor.

 

“I've had a dislocated shoulder before, just do it,” she growls. Then her eyes hold his and he nods his understanding.

 

He remembers how her other arm had hung limply by her side. Failing to keep his fear for her from his face, he grimaces, knowing how much this hurts.

 

Swiftly, he takes her hand. It must have fallen out of his grip while he slept in his chair. She’s going to need him for this. He wraps his other arm about her neck, curling his fingers around her head, encouraging her to lean into him.

 

“I've got you. I'm here,” he says into her hair, holding her to his chest.

 

She nods against him and he watches as her shoulder is wrenched by a doctor he can't see. The sound physically hurts and he holds her fast.

 

Her hand spasms around his and she calls out, her voice harsh with pain. He keeps her face pressed firmly against him.

 

She pants quickly and nods. “Yes, I'm fine,” she says to the doctor through clenched teeth. She is anything but fine, her face contorted with agony.

 

Then she twists from him and asks, “What's that?” The alarm in her voice pushes him further to the edge. He wants to snarl and protect and all he can do is _watch_.

 

“Rey?” he asks warily. Her eyes again go to his, but her attention is quickly pulled away from him.

 

“Dulamiate? No, I don't want that.” She’s shaking her head furiously.

 

What? What is she saying. It will help with the pain considerably. He’s certain she's suffering greatly from the hole in her side and the fresh hell of her shoulder.

 

“Take the medicine,” he rumbles.

 

Her eyes flit to his, but she speaks to the doctor when she says, “It's addictive. I don't want it.”

 

What? She’s being _completely_ unreasonable. It takes weeks to develop a physical dependence to the narcotic. “Please, beloved, it will help. You won't have any trouble with a few doses.”

 

“I don't care,” she hisses, then looks slightly panicked. “Uhm, I mean I don't care to take it,” she says to the person he can’t see.

 

She seems truly… _terrified_ , but the pain is making her sweat. Why is she being so stubborn?

 

Then it all clicks. Her parents. Sold for drinking money … “Rey … are you afraid to take the medication because of what happened to you as a child?”

 

Her eyes find his and they’re huge with long buried pain. Hesitantly, she nods.

 

“Rey, please listen to me. You need to take this. Your body will heal better if it's not constantly battling the pain. You won't become like your parents. You never could. Please, allow this one dose. For me. Please.”

 

Her eyes are achingly young and his heart breaks for her yet again. “ _Please_ ,” he whispers.

 

She looks down and her eyes close tightly. After a long moment, she nods then looks up. “Okay,” she says, holding his eyes.

 

Here attention is torn from him and she says, “I mean, alright. I'll take it.”

 

“Thank you,” he says sincerely.

 

She flinches and he sees where the needle enters her skin. Good. This will work fast.

 

Her eyes watch something or someone. Then she turns to him.

 

“We're alone.”

 

There are so many things he wants to tell her. How sorry he is. How afraid he was. How much he wishes he'd seen Hux for what he truly is. But instead he just kisses her.

 

She meets his desperate need for her with her own passion and he's not surprised when her tongue glides along his bottom lip. He whimpers into her mouth as he opens for her.

 

Oh, Force, he'd come so close to losing this. Losing _Rey_. He holds her so gently, but their lips are frantic. He strokes his fingers along her cheek, and he wants to touch her _everywhere_ , reassure himself that she’s whole and his. But he controls himself and finally pulls away.

 

Leaning his forehead against hers, he breathes out, “I have never been more afraid in my entire life.”

 

She doesn’t respond so he pulls back to look at her. She blinks at him languidly. Ah, good. The dulamiate is doing its job. Her fingers stroke through his hair and she smiles almost goofily. Right, it’s _really_ working. Of course, she’s never had it before. He is, unfortunately, _quite_ familiar with this particular medication.

 

“So soft,” she croons as she continues to thread her fingers in his hair.

 

“What?” he asks, mildly perplexed.

 

“Your hair. It’s so soft … like a porg’s. Is your hair porgs?”

 

He can’t help the affectionate smile that breaks across his face. He has no idea what a porg is, but her face is open with wonder and he’s never seen her so unguarded. The painkillers are clearly having an effect, and, gods, she’s _adorable_. But she needs rest.

 

Taking her fingers from his hair, he holds her hand. “Rey, the medication is hitting you hard. Maybe you should sleep.”

 

“I don’t want to. Everything is floaty. I feel … so warm. It still hurts, but I don’t … care,” she says in a sing-song voice.

 

“Then it’s doing what it’s supposed to.”

 

“This is _so_ much better than the last time this happened,” she sighs as she settles back against her pillows.

 

“The last time?”

 

“I fell and dislocated my shoulder on Jakku. Trying to get to the deflector shield of the _Ravager_ , no one’s made it. I thought I could. Stupid.” Her face scrunches up and she shakes her head. “Hurt so bad. Couldn’t get help for days.”

 

His chest hollows out as he realizes she’d been left with a dislocated shoulder for so long, and then to recover without medical attention … He holds her face with his hand and rolls his forehead against hers. “I can’t tell you how much I wish I could have saved you from that.”

 

She pulls her hand from his, giggling as she swats at him. “Don’t be silly. You didn’t even know I existed.”

 

“I should have,” he states emphatically.

 

She screws up her face and laughs again. “I’m no one. Why would you have cared?”

 

He knows she can’t help how glib she’s being, so he tries to stop explaining. “It doesn’t matter. Please rest.” He recaptures her hand.

 

Then her face falls. “I wish you _could_ have come for me. I hated it. I hated it so much, Ben. I was so _alone_.”

 

He sits next to her and guides her face to him with his other hand. “You’ll never be alone again.”

 

The sadness that fills her face strikes into him. “Of course I will. I’ll always be alone. You’re never going to choose me. I know _that_.”

 

She might as well have split him open with her lightsaber. How could she possibly think such a thing? “Rey, no … that’s not true.”

 

Her eyes grow heavy and she squeezes his hand. “Oh Ben. No one ever chooses me. It’s okay, I understand. I’m nobody.”

 

“What, no! Rey, please, I … I will choose you. I will.” But she’s already asleep and he’s left with a storm of conflicted feelings as he watches her chest rise and fall in healing rest.

 

He hunches over next to her bed, keeping her hand in his. Does she really think that? That he won’t choose her? That he hasn’t already?

 

Thinking hard, he tries to see what Rey had been talking about. Hasn’t he made it clear to her how much he loves her, wants her? What had she meant that he wouldn’t choose her? She’d said that she thought he’d turn, and, in a way she was right. But he’d seen them side-by-side. He still believes firmly in his vision.

 

But … why would she say he wouldn’t choose her? He told her about the tracker, doesn’t that mean something?

 

Oh. _He’d told her about the tracker_. He’d never even _thought_ about it, nothing, absolutely nothing had mattered when faced with her being threatened. Doesn’t that mean that, when it was necessary, he’d put her first? What more does she want from him? He’d given away vital First Order intelligence. Obviously he chooses her.

 

Lost in a storm of utter confusion, he strokes her palm and watches her calm face.

 

\---

 

The sound of the doors to his chambers opening has him on his feet, instantly aware that he’s just sitting in the middle of the room.

 

Hux looks at the lone chair then back to Kylo with a raised brow. “Supreme Leader, you’ve not left your chambers since yesterday.”

 

Kylo only just manages to keep from glancing at Rey’s sleeping form. The Force has kept her with him for nearly two days now and he’s pathetically grateful.

 

“Yes, well, I had some _thinking_ to do,” Kylo spits, his fingers twitching to end Hux’s life. Rey is lying in her med-bay bed because of what this man did and the urge for revenge is fierce. But he’s not going to make any decisions until Rey is well. He needs to be able to focus on her. She truly is all that matters to him. He sets that startling thought aside to ponder later.

 

“You have seemed … distracted as of late.”

 

“Perhaps because my second-in-command has been _plotting_?”

 

“I filled out all the proper forms-”

 

“Hux!” he bellows.

 

Startled, the ginger rat stops talking.

 

“We both know you went behind my back to go after the Resistance. What I want to know is why.”

 

Hux’s lips curl then thin. “Because we both know you haven’t the stomach for war. You’ve always been soft,” he sneers.

 

“Soft? Soft!? I murdered my own father to prove myself! Don’t you _dare_ accuse me of being _soft_.”

 

Hux inspects his gloves then looks up. “Yes, well … welcome to the club.”

 

Kylo blinks quickly. Hux had … He remembers that Brendol Hux had died but …

 

Rey is beginning to stir and he doesn’t have the time or energy for this. “We’ll discuss this more at a later date.”

 

“Will you be joining us on the bridge, sir?”

 

Her eyes are starting to flutter open. “Yes, at some point. Leave me.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Hux says with a knowing smile that makes Kylo’s teeth go on edge.

 

The doors to his chambers close and he’s back with her swiftly. She smiles lazily then grunts in pain. He loathes that there’s nothing he can fight, nothing he can kill.

 

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

 

“It hurts, but not as badly.”

 

“You need more medicine.”

 

“No, that was enough, got me through the worst of it.”

 

“But why suffer?”

 

Her eyes grow intensely worried. “Because it felt _too_ good.” Then she closes her eyes briefly. “Did I really ask you if your hair was porgs?”

 

“Yes, you did. What, may I ask, is a porg, anyway?” he asks, amusement in his tone.

 

“Oh, they’re the cutest little birds from Ahch-To-” Then her eyes fly wide.

 

“Ahch-To?”

 

“I … I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“Is that were Skywalker was?”

 

Her eyes plead with him and he sits next to her, taking his very familiar pose of holding her hand and leaning towards her. “It’s alright. I won’t do anything with that. Besides, with Skywalker gone, what does it matter?”

 

“But … you … you’re still the First Order and they … they did this to me. I shouldn’t trust you like this.”

 

“I know. I _do_ know. This … has changed things. But I need time.” A horrible thought strikes him. “You did get the tracker out of … Finn, yes?”

 

“Yes. They were working on it when I got hit.”

 

“What … what happened?”

 

Rey sighs and he doesn’t like how mistrustful she’d seemed for a moment. “I was trying to help evacuate the local citizens when a wall collapsed. That’s how I dislocated my shoulder. I was able to protect almost everyone with the Force, but I wasn’t so lucky. Then … then the stormtroopers arrived. One of them caught me with some kind of slicing weapon.” She looks down. “I think … think the scar is gonna be bad.”

 

He sees the insecurity flow through her and he quickly lifts her face to look at him. “Do you think for one moment that I care? All I care about is you. Healthy. Whole.” _With me._

 

Conflict rises in her eyes. “I wish that was true,” she says sadly.

 

He’s about to ask what she means when she sits up quickly, looking over his shoulder. Ah, the doctor must be back.

 

She shakes her head firmly. “No, I don’t want any more of that.”

 

“Rey,” he says warningly. She glares at him then quickly clears her face. “I don’t care about the pain.”

 

“You’re being stubborn, besides, it’s still in your system, what you’re feeling is still dulled. Just take it,” he pushes.

 

“Will I … will I be addicted if I let you give me more?” she asks the doctor.

 

Then she’s nodding. Her eyes are hollow and far away. He reassures, “I know you’re scared, sweetheart, but this won’t hurt you. Just this and another dose tomorrow. I won’t ask you again, just please. I can’t see you suffer.”

 

She’s shrunk into herself and seems so very small. “Just this and one more dose after,” she says to both him and the phantom doctor.

 

He lets out his breath slowly as he watches the needle go into her arm.

 

Kylo hopes this time she’ll just sleep, as amusing as talking with her in that state had been. She’d been so honest though, and it feels like he’s taking things from her that he shouldn’t if she doesn’t tell him when she has all of her faculties.

 

The happy smile returns. “It really does help.”

 

“I’m glad, that’s all I want.”

 

Her face brightens, and for a moment he thinks it’s for him, but then she squeals out, “Leia!”

 

He doesn’t … he doesn't want to be here for this nor does he want to leave. Instead he stands and moves away from her bed.

 

“Oh don’t be like that,” she chides.

 

His brows shoot up in alarm. “Rey, remember that she can’t see me.”

 

“She’s your _mother_. You really should talk to your mother you know,” Then she slaps her hand over her mouth and he sees the moment she realizes what she’s done. The fog from the painkillers lifts quickly.

 

Shaking her head swiftly, her eyes bulging in fear, she slowly lowers her hand. “Leia, no. He’s not really here. I … I can explain. You don’t need to call the guards.”

 

Well Rey has done it now. There is absolutely no chance in the galaxy that Leia Organa won’t pull the truth out of her.

 

In that moment he senses his mother’s Force signature. He’s surprised that the well of anger he refilled for so many years is simply … dry and he just wants … he just wants … no, he can’t have that and he shouldn’t even think of it.

 

He just hopes his mother will understand.

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR! Well, it's 2018, CE, and Reylo is canon. I'm going to bask in that until December, 2019. 
> 
> This is the last daily update. I have received a few questions about how long this will be and I don't honestly know. My gut says at least 100K, but I'm notoriously bad at estimating this. Regardless, I will update at least once a week until it's done.
> 
> Next chapter will be Thursday at the latest. Right now the plan is to update on Mondays and Thursdays with the occasional random-chap-spam depending on my truly mean muse. Seriously, she is just so gleeful when she commits feels murder. I worry about her.
> 
> Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your support. If you read this? Thank you. If you left a kudo? Thank you. If you commented? THANK YOU. I know that I don't have the ability to express what the last two weeks have meant to me. *giant reylo fam hug*
> 
> Thank you, ArtemisBare for, "Is your hair porgs?"
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, for understanding that sometimes being supportive is just being quiet. That you let me essentially ignore you for two weeks straight was really so generous of you and I love you so much.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Darth Chippendale, then Darth Darcy faces _his mother_. Space Eyre bridges the gap and Darth Darcy is left quite changed, not that he realizes it.

_Before_

 

“I’d rather not do this right now.”

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

The look on her face when she sees his naked chest pleases something deep inside him. He’s _affecting_ her. It might simply be that she’s shy around nudity, but he hopes it’s something else. He doesn’t move to cover himself when she asks. He won’t examine why too closely.

 

The thoughts he’s been having about her have ceased to be confusing and have shifted into need and want and hope. His dreams have taken on a distinctly carnal flavor as of late and he has found that he likes it. He _likes_ the flutter of pleasure he feels when he thinks of her, the heat low in his abdomen when he sees her.

 

But, no, the little fantasy he’d been spinning comes crashing down around him when she brings up _Han Solo_. Now he does feel oddly exposed but he refuses to give into modesty.

 

It would be easier if she’d stayed angry, but she just looks heartbroken when she asks so pleadingly why he’d killed him.

 

He doesn’t answer. Not really. He turns it around on her, how the past controls her. So much is holding her back. Oh, what she could become. What he could _teach_ her.

 

Yet she’d rejected his offer and now she’s with _Skywalker_. And she clearly has no idea just how rotten to the core his family really is. So he tells her. Tells her of that night when his world split open and everything he’d been struggling to hold onto had bled out all over the floor of his ruined room.

 

He keeps his tone calm, but he remembers, oh he remembers the sharp betrayal. But more than that, he remembers the inevitability of it all. From the moment _that woman_ had sent him away, the useless Han Solo doing nothing, he’d known that he couldn’t trust his _family_. He’d begged and cried and pleaded to be allowed to stay, but his desperation had been met with firm denial.

 

No one but his mother had ever understood him, other than the whispers in his head. She always knew what he needed. And then she’d broken his young heart, thrusting him into the care of a virtual stranger. He hadn’t cared that this was his mother’s brother. He barely knew him and he hadn’t wanted to try.

 

Eventually, he’d learned to hide his anger and pain, smile and lie when his mother would visit the temple. But he’d never trusted her ever again.

 

He knows how the past holds you, strangles you, drowns you with its grasping promises of _if only._ The only way to handle the past is to _kill it._

 

“It’s the only way to become who you were meant to be.”

 

_Now_

 

“We … we’re connected. Through the Force. He can see me, talk to me … touch me. It’s like he’s here in the room with me,” Rey explains to Leia slowly. Her expression is cautious and she’s holding herself stiffly.

 

Not being able to see his mother, yet knowing she’s there is _deeply_ unsettling. As far as he can tell, the woman he can’t bring himself to hate is sitting on the other side of Rey’s bed, opposite him. Staying completely still, he tries to keep the storm of feelings at bay. His mother brings up every conceivable emotion within him and it’s all he can do to keep from shaking.

 

“No … he didn’t do this, at least not on purpose. We think … we think it was when he … interrogated me.” She winces and the self-loathing rises in him swiftly, remembering how he’d treated her. While it’s true that he’d been so gentle with her when he compares it to his behavior with other prisoners, that he ever pushed into her mind like that … it shames him.

 

“No … I don't think Ben would do anything to manipulate me.”

 

Of course he wouldn’t! He’s only ever wanted her to … to choose him. He will never try to influence her. Rey is … she’s so wild and free, to attempt to control her would be … it’s just unthinkable.

 

It’s excruciating to listen to Rey discuss him—and them—with his mother. He’s both relieved and extremely frustrated that he can’t hear what his mother is saying to Rey. Rey keeps looking back and forth between them and her face is tense and wary.

 

“No! I would never reveal anything to him that would put the Resistance in danger!” Rey’s voice becomes low and sad. “He didn’t know we were going to be attacked.”

 

Rey’s face flashes with real anger and he’s surprised. Rey has always seemed almost reverent about Leia Organa.

 

“Because he _told_ me he didn’t know! He … he doesn’t lie to me. He would never want me to be hurt, he was _frantic_. For both of us. He kept telling me to take you and run.”

 

Rey’s expression grows concerned. “Leia?” Then her eyes go to his and they glisten with unshed tears. Oh. He understands now. His mother is … oh gods, he hopes she’s not crying. He feels helpless and trapped. The memories are getting harder to push away and he wants … he wants to tell his mother that he’s sorry. Force, he’s so damned sorry.

 

When he’d thought she’d died, he’d not allowed himself to feel anything. He’s grown frighteningly good at suppressing his feelings. But now, in this room, he can’t keep the pain at bay. She’d abandoned him! Sent him off to Skywalker like an inconvenience. He remembers overhearing his parents talking late at night. _Maybe Luke will be able to handle him._

 

But that’s not all there is. There are so many quiet, tender moments that he never allows himself to remember. How she would brush his hair, tell him that he was her precious boy, how much she loved him … No. No! He will not do this to himself. She broke that all to pieces when she gave him to her _brother_.

 

Returning his attention to Rey, he finds that her lips are quivering and she whispers, “It’s more complicated than that, Leia. He … Snoke made him think he had to do that. I don’t … I don’t think he wanted to. I think he regrets it.” Rey seems to be refusing to look at both of them and she fiddles with her blanket.

 

He hadn’t anticipated this. Clearly, he should have, but to know that his mother is asking about his greatest crime, talking about how he’d plunged his saber into his own father’s heart … he doesn’t want to be here. It’s very tempting to reach out with the Force, beg to be released from this hell, but he won’t leave Rey. Not while she’s still recovering.

 

As long as the connection holds, he’ll take it. He’ll take anything for her. However, he _does_ need a bit of distance so he stalks to the other side of his chambers, hunching his shoulders, trying to protect himself from whatever else she’s going to say. It’s likely to stab and rent and make him _bleed_.

 

But she calls out to him. “I know this is hard, but please come back.”

 

He turns only his head to look at her, keeping his body protectively angled away. “Rey … I ... “

 

“I know it hurts, _I know it_ , but she deserves answers. Don’t you think?” she asks quietly with her hand outstretched, beckoning him to return to her. Her eyes shift to his mother and she says, “Yes, he’s really here. This is hard for him.”

 

Rey’s lips form a thin line and her voice is angry when she says, “You don’t … you don’t know what he’s been through! What Snoke did to him!”

 

Oh gods, no. He doesn’t want his mother to know! Know how he just kept groveling at his master’s feet, begging for more abuse.

 

“Rey, no. Don’t tell her anymore,” he says warningly, swiftly turning back towards her.

 

“But, she should know. She should know how he would to-”

 

“No! Stop. I … I don’t want her to know how weak I was,” he says hollowly, looking down.

 

When he finally looks up, her eyes are full of so much worry and such aching love. She nods and again reaches her hand out to him. “Alright, I won’t say anymore. I promise. Now, please come back, Ben.”

 

Closing his eyes briefly, he does what she asks and retakes his seat. Her hand finds his in an instant.

 

The feel of her fingers laced with his makes everything better and he knows he can do this. So long as she’s touching him, he can do this.

 

Rey’s eyes fly open and Kylo wonders what in the galaxy his mother has said to make Rey look so nervous.

 

“What? What did she say?” Kylo asks.

 

She looks at him quickly, then back to his mother. She takes in a deep breath and says, “Yes, I love him.”

 

Then she’s nodding, almost sadly. “I understand. No, it’s alright. I really do understand.”

 

Rey pulls her hand from his and she shifts to put her arm around his mother’s form. It’s very strange to watch her interact with people he can’t see.

 

“She’s gone,” Rey says, recapturing his hand. But she’s not looking at him and she seems … defeated.

 

“What is it, what did you understand?” Kylo asks in concern.

 

“Oh, she’s … she’s posting guards outside my room.”

 

“What?” he seethes, instantly irate. How dare she treat Rey like … like a criminal.

 

“Stop, please. It’s alright. She said she needed to think and that right now I’m a liability. I understand … she can’t just trust me. I don’t think she could do anything else, really.”

 

The hand not holding Rey’s curls into a fist and he growls, “It’s not right. You would never betray them. And I wouldn’t ask you to.”

 

She smiles slightly. “I know.”

 

\---

 

Rey quickly fell asleep after the difficult and surreal conversation with his mother. He’d finally eaten something and now he’s sitting with her, reviewing reports. Hux seems to be pacified by his notations and suggestions, leaving him alone.

 

Something must be done about Hux. He just isn’t quite sure what that is. If he thought he could persuade his mother through Rey to lay low for a few months, give him time to untangle this, then maybe he would have a chance at keeping both of them safe, but he can’t trust Hux not to try something like the attack on Quol again.

 

At least Hux won’t be able to find them. He wishes he knew where Rey was, but he won’t ask.

 

\---

 

“Ben? Ben?”

 

He comes awake to her gently shaking him. Oh, he’d fallen asleep in his chair. He’s barely had any rest for the last two days so it’s not a surprise.

 

“Yes, I call him Ben,” Rey says with a small smile.

 

“What?” Kylo asks.

 

She looks at him and says, “Your mother, she’s back.”

 

He tries to shake the sleep from his head. He’s really not ready for round two.

 

“I don't know. He never answered when I asked him why he lets me,” Rey says to his mother.

 

That's not precisely true. She had disappeared before he could, and she’s not asked again. A point for which he’s grateful, as he doesn’t think he’s ready to explain either how much it means to him that she does call him ‘Ben’ or that it’s because it makes him feel like she believes in … well … him.

 

“He’s … he’s conflicted.” Rey’s eyes hold his and she fidgets uncomfortably. “I don’t think he’s very happy being Supreme Leader. I … I don’t think he sleeps much.”

 

He has to keep from rolling his eyes. Is his mother going to ask if he’s eating enough?”

 

“I’m not sure.” Rey’s cheeks grow pink and she blinks rapidly. “Uhm, he uh, it doesn’t look like he’s lost weight or anything.”

 

Wonderful. His mother did in fact ask if he was eating enough. Typical. He shies away from memories of holo calls from the temple, how he would secretly delight in her worry for him even as he’d ruthlessly push it away.

 

“Leia!” Rey exclaims. “It … it hasn’t come up,” Rey mumbles.

 

Now Rey’s cheeks are nearly scarlet. What had his mother _said_? By the look on Rey’s face, he’s not sure he wants to know.

 

Rey’s face softens and her eyes glow with a hopeful light that warms him. “Yes, I’ll ask him.”

 

Kylo breathes in sharply. Being in the room while they talk was one thing, but this … he’s not sure about this.

 

“She wants to talk to you. But she wants you to think about it. I’m to comm her when you’re ready.”

 

“Tell her it’ll be a long wait,” he snipes. He’s not ready to talk to her, even through Rey. He’ll never be ready to talk to her.

 

Rey frowns. “Ben …” she admonishes.

 

He closes his eyes tightly. “I’ll think about it.”

 

“Good. Thank you.” Rey returns her attention to Leia. “I’ll tell him,” she says with a gentle smile.

 

Once they’re alone again, Rey pulls his hand into hers and she grimaces slightly.

 

“Sweetheart?”

 

“Just a little sore. But it’s fine. And I will take another dose in the morning.”

 

He purses his lips, but he had said he wouldn’t push her. He clears his throat. “What time is it anyway?” he asks.

 

“Late.”

 

“Then you should be sleeping.”

 

“So should you. You can’t be comfortable in that chair.”

 

“It’s fine,” he dismisses.

 

“I could scoot over, you could lay next to me?”

 

Oh … oh that is a truly delectable thought. Would the connection even allow it? He’s not tried to interact with her environment before. Wait, no, what is he thinking? He can’t crowd her in her little bed.

 

He shakes his head, “The chair is fine.”

 

“Don’t be stubborn. Come here,” she insists. She rolls over so that she’s on her good side. He supposes he could curl around her, there would be enough room then …

 

Her beguiling hazel eyes capture him, “Please?”

 

He’s on his feet without having made a decision, pulling off his boots as he comes around behind her. Very careful not to jostle her, he slides into the bed, gathering her to him.

 

She fits perfectly. Some part of him that’s been quietly screaming in the corner since she’d been hurt finally quiets and he sighs out. She’s safe. She’s in his arms and she’s safe.

 

Her head is resting on his bicep and his other arm is around her waist and he can’t quite believe he’s about to sleep with his beloved in his arms. It’s a bliss he’d dreamed of, but hadn’t thought he would ever have. Not really. He’s beginning to wonder if the Force will never part them again and it’s a heady thought.

 

But something is nagging at him. Right. Rey had said she’d tell him something. Something from his mother.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Mmm?” she says sleepily.

 

“What did … what did my mother want you to tell me?”

 

She’s quite for a moment then says, “She wanted me to tell you that she loves you.”

 

Is it possible to feel your heart pulled in two and sing in joy at the same time? He has no place for this. How could she possibly still love him? After everything he’s done. Everything he’s done to _her_?

 

Hesitantly, Rey asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No,” he says faintly.

 

Somehow, Rey senses he needs time in his own head and stays silent. He’s quite sure that if he didn’t have his beloved cradled close he would be screaming and destroying things right now. But instead he just blinks, breathing shallowly.

 

He feels Rey slip into sleep as she settles fully into him.

 

Ben stares at nothing for a long time.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I know I said yesterday was the last daily update, but I can't stop writing! I'll sleep when I'm dead. Next chapter on Thursday. Really. I mean it. :D
> 
> Thank you all so much! I hope that 2018 is getting off to a good start for everyone! You are all fantastic and deserve only good things.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who had the temerity to suggest he was only an adequate husband. Uhm, no.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy wakes to still being with Space Eyre and he has a revelation that's been coming for a while. She's all that truly matters to him.

“Ben …”

 

Oh, Maker, he’s in heaven, absolute _heaven_. He’d slept so soundly, no intrusive thoughts of the changing relationship with his mother, and now Rey is waking him slowly with little sparking kisses along his fingertips. She’s warm and safe in his arms, just like she should always be.

 

“Rey, my beautiful Rey,” he murmurs against her hair.

 

“He wakes at last.” He can hear the smile in her voice. “You slept through the doctor checking on me. Twice.”

 

“ _What_?” he asks, not quite believing her. He’s a very light sleeper and he should have reacted to her talking to someone.

 

“It was a little tricky to hide that I couldn’t really move. Every time I’d try to shift, your arm would tighten around me. You’re … you’re really strong.”

 

Fear trickles down his spine and he starts to pull away from her, terrified that he’d hurt her in his sleep. But then her fingers spasm around his and her other hand goes to his thigh, stilling him as he realizes it’s her injured arm.

 

“Rey, no, don’t use your arm!” he orders in a panic.

 

“Well then don’t pull away!” There’s a long pause before she admits, “I … I _liked_ that you wouldn’t let me go, even when you were so deeply asleep.” Her voice is small, profound vulnerability showing through her protective shell.

 

Slowly and _very_ gently, he replaces his arm at her waist and shifts his shoulder under her head. It brings her closer still and he nuzzles into her neck. He breathes in her scent and allows the calm of his beloved to wash over him. He’d come so close to losing her, all because he’d ignored the truth of where he is, the truth of being Supreme Leader while Rey has set herself against him.

 

No … no … that’s not really true. That way of thinking feels like old clothes that don’t fit. He can’t really say that she’s the one building the wall between them when it was the First Order that attacked _her_. He keeps waiting for the recriminations, the accusations, but she just seems to want his comfort. Want _him_. _Love him_.

 

He’s reminded of what his mother had said but he doesn’t want to think about the complex miasma of feelings Leia Organa incites. And right now he really needs to focus on Rey. He’ll find an answer … somehow. A way out of this impossible mess. A way that sees both of the women who are quickly defining his every move safe.

 

Now, what had Rey been telling him? Then he realizes what she’s truly said and he sputters, “Wait … I slept _all_ night?”

 

That _never_ happens. That hasn’t happened since he woke up to murder in Luke Skywalker’s eyes. He always startles to consciousness several times over the course of a night, and he’s frequently plagued by nightmares. Though, since he met his Rey, the dreams have changed rather dramatically. Yet he still sleeps fitfully.

 

“ _And_ you slept half the morning away,” Rey says smugly.

 

Ben scoffs, part of him convinced she must be teasing.

 

“No, it’s true! They gave me my last dose of dulamiate about two hours ago. I’ve just been dozing and seeing what would trigger you growling in your sleep. It’s sort of cute. You really didn't like it when I tried to pull your arm away.”

 

He cranes his neck so that he may see her profile. She’s nearly grinning and he understands that she’s been telling the truth.

 

“Well,” he muses, “I don’t like to let you go when I’m _awake_ and I do frequently have to force myself to release you. I suppose I’m not surprised that while I’m asleep, I'm not too thrilled to have you out of my arms. That’s where I want you always.” Just like this. Every night. Force, what would he give ...

 

“You … you really want to keep me?” she asks in a painfully young voice.

 

He knows the medication makes her more open, better able to access her feelings. Usually, she struggles to voice what’s inside of her, preferring to pretend something that hurts her simply isn’t true. For 15 excruciating years, struggling against the endless sands of Jakku, she’d managed to make herself believe that she was loved.

 

A stab of guilt makes him grimace. He’d pushed her—hard—about her parents, been almost cruel. But he’d felt then, as he does now, that Rey’s tendency to lie to herself only holds her back, keeping her suspended in her torment. Just because she’d buried her abandonment so deeply that she’d hid it from even herself didn’t keep it from leaving a gaping hole in her heart.

 

A hole he means to fill. Starting now. He’s done trying to find a way to continue the path he set for himself years ago and have Rey as well. It’s just not possible and he refuses to ever hear her scream like that again.

 

He takes a deep breath, feeling a momentous shift within him. “Rey … please listen to me.”

 

“Uhm, okay.” She goes unnaturally still in his arms and here’s so much fear in the air. Briefly, he closes his eyes. She feels like a young fathier filly, ready to bolt. He realizes she thinks he’s about to reject her. Oh, Rey ...

 

“I love you,” he says firmly and some of the tension leaves her frame. “I know that what happened on Quol has changed things for me. I’m not sure how, not precisely, but I _do_ know that it made it abundantly clear to me that you are all that truly matters to me.” This makes her relax fully. “Yet … I can’t abandon the First Order and simply take up with the Resistance-”

 

She tries to break in and he softly hushes her with his fingers to her lips. “I need to get this out. I want to hear everything you have to say about it—I know I was ultimately responsible for your current condition-” She starts to shake her head so he continues quickly. “ _But_ , I ask you to let me tell you what I need you to hear.”  

 

Rey breathes in a long, slow breath and she’s once again tense in his arms. But then she’s nodding and settling into him.

 

Part of him wishes they were facing each other. He wants to say this while looking into her eyes. But another part of him knows that being able to have her flush against him like this, have her feel with her body the sincerity of his words, it will make it easier to face the nagging truth of their situation. And just how far he’s willing to go to be with her. Besides, she can’t roll over because of her shoulder and wound, and he really doesn’t want to let her go.

 

“I don’t agree with the Resistance. The Republic was messy and corrupt, it allowed places like Jakku to flourish and I cannot join their cause. However …” He stops himself, accepting that the path he’s sacrificed everything for means very little to him now that he’s seen Rey’s blood flow so freely from her body. “However, I no longer believe that the First Order is going about it the right way.”

 

Lifting his hand to her hair, he smoothes it back, centering himself with the silken texture of her tresses. He kisses her temple and just _feels_ her for a moment.

 

Rey changed _everything_. From the moment he first heard of her, it’s all shifted. Or perhaps come into focus. He’s not really sure. He just knows that without Rey, his life means nothing.  

 

“You asked earlier if I really want to keep you. You need to understand that I will do _anything_ I have to to keep you. I know, I _know_ you grew up in a place that told you that you didn’t matter, and you fought so hard against that. Because, I think, deep down you _do_ know that they were _wrong_. You are so special. Not just to me, but to the galaxy.”

 

Against her ear he murmurs, “To me though, you are my _life_ , Rey. I came so close to losing you. Losing you to my own soldiers. I will not allow that to happen, _ever again_. I know you won’t come to me, and I’m not sure I could keep you safe if you did.” Admitting that hurts. He wants to believe that he can always protect her through sheer force of will. But it’s time to be realistic.

 

“What I'm saying is I need time. I can't leave and I can't stay. Hux is likely well into his next scheme and if we were to run away together, I'm absolutely certain that Hux would make it his life's work to kill you.”

 

He can feel her frustration at keeping silent so he gets to the point. He kisses her ear lobe and she gasps. He pitches his voice low. Though there's no need, no one save Rey can hear him. But he needs her to hear the sanctity of his words. “What I need you to know, like you've never known anything, is that I want to spend my life with you. I will find a way for us, we _will_ find a solution that we're both happy with. I want to keep you. I choose you. Every single day, for as long as I draw breath, I choose you.”

 

She's begun to tremble and he's confused. “Rey? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?”

 

She nods quickly but still doesn't say anything. Something is wrong. Then she chokes back a sob and he needs to see her face. He starts to pull away so he can go to her other side without hurting her shoulder and wound, but she grabs at his hand and her broken voice pleads, “No!”

 

Ben stops attempting to disentangle himself but does shift so he may go up on his elbow.

 

“Please, let me see your face, beloved,” he entreats so gently.

 

Slowly she turns, just enough for him to see her wide, beautiful eyes. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and he's not sure what he's done to upset her. Is it that she's perceiving that he's the one who allowed her to be so egregiously wounded?

 

Blinking through her tears she whispers, “Please … I need to hear it again.”

 

Hear what again? Oh. Oh his broken girl. Of course. He should have anticipated this. No one has ever chosen him either. He has a moment of insecurity; Rey has fought what's between them far more bitterly than he has. Would she react like this to being wanted by anyone? But he stuffs those feelings down, down, down. Right now, Rey needs to comprehend the lengths he will go to for her.

 

He strokes her cheek, whisking away the tears that fall, and vows, “I choose you.”

 

Her breath is harsh, then she asks, “Again. Please.”

 

Holding her eyes intensely, he responds, “I choose you. I will _always_ choose you.”

 

Her tears come faster and she starts to weep in earnest, great gasping sobs wracking her body. Gathering her up in arms that always _yearn_ for her, he pulls her back against his chest and throws his leg over hers. There, now he has her shielded completely. She's protected entirely. Because somehow she has become his very heart.

 

She sobs out years of abandonment, no warmth. No love. At least he had known what it was to be held when he cried. Bountiful food for every single meal. But this isn't about him.

 

So small. So _small_ in his arms as she weeps. She cries hard and he croons how he loves her, how he needs her, how she's everything to him. He kisses up and down her cheek, her temple, the crown of her head, everywhere he can reach without jostling her healing body, trying to write his devotion on her skin.

 

Eventually, her sobs turn to quiet sniffles. He’s never ceased holding her close, and when she lets out a shuddering breath, he again places his lips at the shell of her ear.

 

“I choose you.”

 

\---

 

Panic flies through him as he hits the floor. What?!

 

Dazedly he looks around his chambers and realizes Rey is gone. As is her bed. Which is why he's sprawled out awkwardly. He pulls himself to his feet and tries to get his bearings.

 

Two days. Two days the Force gave him with her and he feels even more confident in his decision. They'd not talked further about what happens next. He doesn't know what she thinks about what he's said about the First Order and the Resistance, but he knows he needs to make a plan and move quickly.

 

Looking back, he sees that he’s left Hux to his own devices for far too long. It surprises him how quickly all of his plans—the desperate need to prove himself to Grandfather, the desire to lead the Galaxy to a better way—have just disappeared. The drive that’s pushed him for years is just … gone.

 

He realizes he’s even willing to talk to his mother. A little skitter of excitement goes through him at the prospect of maybe seeing her again one day. No, much too soon for that.

 

In that moment he remembers he’s been holed up in his chambers for two days, which is decidedly odd behavior, even for him. He goes to the ‘fresher off of the large hall to do what he can to make himself presentable. Catching his reflection in the mirror he stops and stares.

 

Something’s different. He’s not sure what, but he can see it in his face that this time with Rey has shifted something in him, something deep and profound. His goals have shrunk, but he feels a sense of purpose he can’t recall ever experiencing.

 

There’s no doubt, he realizes. He’s not questioning himself. What he wants, what he needs, and what he’s going to do are perfectly aligned.

 

He will deal with Hux and find a way to end the cycle of conflict.

 

Rey's life may depend on it.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday! I missed everyone yesterday. Next chapter will go up on Monday.
> 
> Thank you all for continuing to keep me going with your kind and generous support of this story. I'm so grateful to every single one of you.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, for how you choose to find my foibles adorable instead of infuriating.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy muses on what he really wants for the First Order and begins to handle a certain ginger irritant. Almost losing Space Eyre has both of them a bit ... needy?

Feeling more rested than he has in a long while, he leaves his chambers for the first time in two days. He needs to go to his quarters and bathe, but then he’ll make his way to the bridge and begin handling the Hux problem.

 

He's extremely grateful for all the time he was allowed with Rey. If he hadn't been able to be with her for so long after her injury, he would have gone out of his mind with fear for her. As he walks to his rooms, he pushes aside the way her face had looked, so marred with pain.

 

It would be _so easy_ to sink into self-recrimination over how close she'd come to dying. Now that he's decided to put her above all things, he can't quite wrap his mind around how long he’s waited to do so. He really should have understood precisely who she is to him from the very beginning.

 

He’d had an inkling, a sense, but he’d been so blinded by Snoke’s teachings that he hadn’t listened to how the Force had been clanging in his head. In hindsight, it’s obvious to him that he and Rey … what they’re becoming … it was always going to happen. Perhaps they’ve been connected since she was born. The Force had been pushing them together before they’d even met, the pull to her had been intense from the moment he first heard about _the girl._   

 

If only he hadn’t been so overwhelmed by being free of Snoke that day on the _Supremacy_. If he hadn’t been so quick to demand she join him and _his_ vision, he could have done what she’d asked, let the Resistance go and then simply … talked with her. It seems blatantly obvious to him now.

 

He truly had pushed her into a corner. No wonder she felt she had to fight her way out … Maker, he’d been so blind.

 

For years, _years_ , he'd devoted his entire being to finishing what his grandfather had started. And now it just seems like a hollow life. What would bringing order to the galaxy matter if he didn't have Rey with him?

 

As he walks, an image of his grandmother flashes behind his eyes. He’s never really spent much time thinking about her, but now … now she seems so much more important. Did Grandfather love Grandmother the way that he loves Rey? He doesn’t think so, because if Vader had, he would have done whatever he had to in order to keep her safe. The stories are vague, but it’s always bothered him that she supposedly died in childbirth.

 

Snoke had once suggested that Obi-Wan Kenobi himself had murdered her, and it had seemed likely to him at that time. But now … he’s not sure why, but it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps because he can’t trust anything his thankfully dead master had told him.

 

Why hadn’t he questioned Snoke more? Why did he just accept everything the old alien had told him? Was he really so desperate for guidance?

 

He stops walking to his rooms and realizes that he _was_. He’d only just learned that Darth Vader was his grandfather when Skywalker had tried to kill him in his sleep. A nerve in his cheek jumps slightly at the memory of Rey’s words. _It’s more complicated than that._

 

Regardless of what Skywalker may or may not have have been thinking, the fact remains that once he’d defended himself, he’d put his half-formed plans into action. It had always been an idle thought, that perhaps there was more to the Force than his uncles antiquated teachings. That Skywalker was _wrong_.

 

As the thought had taken root and grown, he’d learned who was willing to listen to when he questioned the Jedi ways and who would look at him like he’d kicked their twyla. Once Skywalker betrayed him, it had been frighteningly easy to slide further along the idea that the dark held answers the light would never reveal.

 

That night … when K’Nel, Jareth, Lorell, Boyn, Set, and Kell had joined him, fought side-by-side with him … they’d forged something strong in the temple, until Snoke had … Ben shakes his head. He can’t think about what happened to them. More loss he’s beginning to see was never necessary.

 

Without Snoke … what does he truly want to achieve? He _does_ want to see the systems made whole and he’s certain his mother’s way of going about isn’t going to get the job done. The Republic had simply recreated the failed governing structure of old.

 

But … hadn't the First Order as well? He has the sharp feeling of insight and he feels a bit dull for having missed it this whole time. History repeats itself. Inevitably, invariably. The Empire fell because people fought back.

 

They always fight back. It's like trying to hold on to water with your fist.

 

He'd told himself that it was his grandfather’s betrayal of the dark side, giving into compassion that had been the downfall of the Empire. But it wasn't. Not really. There will always be rebels.

 

And now they’re caught in the same dance. Something has to change or there will just be more war, endless destructive war. It will never stop.

 

\---

 

Feeling purposeful and clear for the first time in a very long while, Ben strides onto the bridge.

 

Hux’s lip curls slightly before he clears his expression. “Welcome _back_ , Supreme Leader.”

 

Ben stares at him blankly. “I was simply in my chambers, as you well know.”

 

“Of course, sir.”

 

Ben fixes Hux with a glare. “We need to talk. Now.” His tone makes it clear that Hux _will_ obey.

 

But Hux doesn’t even flinch, his eyes clear. Something about the conniving ginger’s confidence concerns Ben greatly.  

 

\---

 

Once in his chambers, Ben regards the general, who stands at attention and waits patiently.

 

“Why did you move on the Resistance the way that you did?”

 

“You clearly weren’t capable of making the hard decision. I can’t imagine what’s changed since Crait, but you obviously don’t have the strength to attack Leia Organa,” Hux says baldly.

 

Hux has him there, partially. Though Rey is the greater reason, he can’t bring himself to bring more violence to her door. Hux had been right when he’d said he doesn’t have the stomach for it. He’d killed his father and if he killed his mother, too … he’d never be able to allow himself to touch Rey again. He’d lose any right he had to her if he took Leia from her as well.

 

However, he needs to convince Hux otherwise, buy some time.

 

“Did it occur to you that I simply have other concerns? Our position is precarious and expending those kind of resources given our financial situation was … reckless. That’s unlike you,” Ben says in a measured tone.

 

Hux clenches his jaw and his eyes narrow slightly. “It’s the Resistance,” he hisses.

 

“We both know two things. They pose no real threat and there will always be a faction fighting against First Order control. Always. Why spend what we don’t have on such an insignificant band of rebels? Do you genuinely think they will be able to grow into something that can match us?” He has to suppress a flinch as he casts himself as one of them. It doesn’t fit, not any longer.

 

“We must not allow them to grow!” Hux spits.

 

“Do you truly believe that the Resistance will manage to build themselves up to a point where they can, in any meaningful way, threaten the First Order?”

 

“Yes,” Hux seethes.

 

Ben crosses his arms and regards General Hux. He needs to lull him into working with him, not against him. And so Ben nods and says, “Alright. We’ll do it your way. Where have they escaped to?”

 

“They’re still on the move. FN-2187’s tracker shows them heading to the Core. It’s been an odd pattern of movement. It’s possible no one has been willing to shelter them.”

 

His chest tightens with fear. He hopes that his mother put Finn’s tracker in a decoy ship and that they didn’t somehow fail to find it. Last he knew, Rey was on a ship, so he’s not certain. He must convince Rey to accept a communication device, it’s just too dangerous to rely on their connection. Thus far the Force has linked them when it was important, but to leave it to chance like that … no, her safety is of utmost importance.

 

He keeps all of this from his face. Time to make the man who hurt his Rey believe he’s getting what he wants. “And now do you suggest we proceed?”

 

Hux’s head quirks quickly and Kylo tries not to smile at his obvious confusion at being asked for his opinion.

 

“Well, sir,“ Hux begins slowly. “I believe we should wait until they’ve settled then obliterate them. Aerial bombardment. Leave no chance for escape. We lose the opportunity to publicly execute the girl of course, but we’ll be rid of them for good.”

 

This isn’t ideal. It’s only a matter of time before Hux realizes he’s lost his ability to track the Resistance but First Order spies will invariably find them. Perhaps … if his mother works with him, they can select a location and make it appear that the Resistance has in fact been wiped out. If she agreed to that, he would be able to reorient the First Order … others will see it as he has come to, he’s sure of it. They simply cannot continue to make the same mistakes as the Empire.

 

How had he not seen it before? Snoke’s hubris truly had no bounds, thinking he could follow the steps of Palpatine and somehow meet a different end? So short-sighted.

 

Hux looks at him expectantly and he realizes he’s not responded, too lost in thought. “Yes, good. That will do nicely. Keep me apprised of developments _this_ time, will you?” he asks with a raised brow.

 

At least Hux attempts to look chastened. “Yes, sir.”

 

“Dismissed.”

 

Ben watches Hux leave his chambers and oh how he wants to hit him with lightning. Make him scream for what he did to Rey. But he has no idea how deep Hux’s machinations go, what killing the face of the First Order would do, how the power structures might unravel. But someday, someday he’s going to take that ginger rat apart piece by miserable piece.

 

\---

 

Kicking off his boots, he settles into his chair in his quarters. It’s been two days since he saw Rey and he’s tried to stave off the worry. She was healing well and there’s no reason to believe she’s in any danger.

 

He’s certain that Finn’s tracker is in fact on a vessel charged with leading the First Order on a merry chase. It’s been quite amusing to watch Hux get increasingly frustrated. He thinks he has a few more days until Hux will demand they go after the ship instead of waiting for the ‘Resistance’ to find a new home.

 

The last two days have been trying and he’s found his thoughts of her have vacillated between simply missing her to an intense physical craving that leaves him gasping her name into his empty rooms as he tries to satisfy his growing hunger for her. It just leaves him needing to touch her that much more.

 

Something about having definitively chosen Rey has unleashed a torrent of scorching _need_ within him. He’s always been drawn to her in this way, but now that there’s nothing holding him back, a primal place he didn’t even know lurked in him has come roaring to life.

 

One way he’s attempted to handle his lustful thoughts is through research. He may not have any actual experience with a woman’s body, but Maker knows he’s always researched. And so he picks up the datapad waiting for him and finds where he’d left off. This particular text is dry and academic, describing female anatomy in great detail. He’s learned quite a bit over the last two evenings.

 

“Ben,” she sighs happily. He’s on his feet in record time, datapad clattering to the floor. She’s up and about, no longer in her med-bay gown, cheeks glowing with vitality. He goes to her immediately. Rey, Rey, Rey …

 

As soon as she’s in his arms, he kisses her deeply, reveling in her hot mouth and how blessedly alive she feels under his hands. She matches his intensity and she’s making little whimpers that are driving him _insane_.

 

“I missed you,” he murmurs between kisses, his hands going into her hair. He’s nearly overwhelmed by the rush of desire and adoration that flows through him.

 

“Me too,” she responds before gliding her tongue between his lips. He loves it when she does that, how it makes his core quiver and his pulse quicken.

 

He’s hardened swiftly, and she giggles as she writhes against him. “Seems like _somebody_ missed me,” she says suggestively, pulling back and looking into his eyes. She’s already delightfully disheveled and he _likes_ it, likes how it marks her as his.

 

“Always,” he growls, kissing her again. He’d never known he could _want_ someone like this. Nothing has ever affected him so completely. It’s like she reaches inside him and weaves him back together when he’s with her. She makes him whole and she makes him _yearn_.

 

Placing his hands at her hips, he pulls her flush against him, but the action makes her yelp and he instantly lets her go. He’s hurt her! Her side, he’d forgotten in his eagerness to touch her. Idiot.

 

“Rey, I’m so sorry!”

 

“No, no, it’s alright. Don’t stop kissing me, never stop kissing me,” she says huskily.

 

And just like that she sweeps away his worry and he does exactly as she’s asked. So perfect, she’s just so perfect. He can’t see how yet, but he knows that he’s going to find a way to be with her every single day. For the rest of their lives, if she’ll have him.

 

He walks her back until they hit his bed and she gasps out, “Your bed! I can feel it.”

 

“Yes, it’s interesting how the connection is changing-” She cuts him off with another searing kiss as she pulls him down onto the bed, encouraging him to lie down with her. They’re on their sides, facing each other.

 

Rey tries to pull him on top of her but he shakes his head. “No, your wound, I shouldn’t put my weight on you.”

 

“But I’m finally feeling better and this was all I could think about. I love how it feels to have you on top of me …” She leans forward and breathes into his ear, “Feel you between my legs, how hard I make you.”

 

A strangled moan escapes him. “Gods, Rey!”

 

This is all he could think about, too, in between trying to focus on Hux. That thought cools his ardor a bit and reminds him that there’s much he needs to talk with her about.

 

But then she’s looking at him like she’d like to eat him and she scoots as close as she can. He’s careful of her wound as he wraps her in his arms and decides practical concerns can wait for a bit as he loses himself to the inviting heat of her mouth and how her hands feel on him.

 

Ben pulls back to look in her eyes. Slowly, deliberately, his fingers quest up under her shirt. Her skin is so _soft_.

 

When he reaches the band of fabric around her breasts he pauses. “Yes, please, yes,” she begs.

 

That’s enough for him. Swiftly he pushes the band up over her wonderful breasts. Maker, he adores how they feel in his hands. Her nipple tightens between his fingers and he needs … he needs to _see_ them.

 

She whimpers when he moves his hand away from her glorious flesh but she nods frantically when he starts to pull up her shirt. She shifts and helps him with the garment and between the two of them they have her half-naked in front of him.

 

He takes in all that beautiful skin, smattered with freckles. Her side is still bandaged and something about the reminder of how close he’d come to losing her makes his heart swell with devotion. “Oh, Rey … you’re so gorgeous.”

 

The heat in her eyes grows shy and she mumbles, “No, I’m not. I’m too skinny. And my breasts are too small.”

 

“No … no. I love them. I love _you_. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he says sincerely.

 

Her lips pull into a small smile and she blinks at him. Her face is so open, so vulnerable and it speaks to his most hidden places. The places he keeps his light. His self. And now her.

 

Suddenly he has to kiss her again, touch her again, limn her entire body with his hands. Just before capturing her lips, he groans, “Let me show you how much I adore your body.”

 

As he delves his tongue into her mouth, he palms her breast. He’s never enjoyed anything half as much as he enjoys touching and tasting his beloved. Shifting from her lips, he kisses along her cheek, then below her ear, until he reaches the base of her throat, nibbling, licking, sucking.

 

Now though, now he must again feel her stiff peak in his mouth, how it grows hard and plump in his mouth. Gods, so good, so good. He wonders what it will be like to taste her _there_. Will her clit swell like her nipple does when he takes it between his lips?

 

Alternating between breasts, Rey is soon panting and moaning. She’s rubbing her legs together and he’s so hard it almost hurts.

 

“Please … please Ben, I need you. I need you to make this ache go away. Please, oh gods, please.”

 

He stills at her breast, wondering if he dare believe that she’s asking what he thinks she’s asking. When they’d gotten so carried away the morning he woke to her next to him in that tiny little nightgown, he’d been afraid of her pulling away.

 

But after her injury, something has shifted between them. Something deep and profound and he’s certain she won’t push him away as long as he doesn’t give her a reason to.

 

“Tell me what you want,” says, his voice rough with desire.

 

“I want …. I want …” she trails off but then she’s rolling onto her back and drawing his hand towards her center. With her other hand, she undoes the fastening of her leggings and he watches in rapt fascination as she pushes his hand beneath the fabric.

 

Force, he might pass out. For a moment he doesn’t move his hand, but then he hesitantly pushes past her underthings to find soft, tight curls and oh gods, she’s so hot. She begins to squirm and he catches her eyes. “Please, please, Maker, please!”

 

He wishes he knew what to do. Of course he knows the basics of her anatomy. He’s read quite a bit, and understands the mechanics. But he’s seized with fear that he’ll disappoint her. That he’ll make a fool of himself.

 

Her eyes though. Her eyes are drowning him with her need, so hesitantly he parts her folds and dips a finger into her wetness. Oh. Oh this is _amazing_. Her tight heat feels softer than the softest silk and his cock spasms in his trousers at the thought of what she would feel like around him. But she’s so snug around his finger, how would he ever fit?

 

Her hips buck against his hand and he starts to thrust his finger slowly in and out of her. She’s so wet and it fills him with a deep, masculine pride he’s never felt before. He did that. She truly does want him.

 

“More,” she pleads and he adds another finger. Ah, so that’s how he’ll fit. She stretches to accommodate the added girth and, Maker, it’s so, so easy to imagine how she’ll feel when he enters her, her body making room for him, _welcoming_ him. He groans, deep in his throat and he’s beginning to think he’s going to come without having to even touch his weeping length.

 

“Faster,” she demands, her confidence growing. He watches her face as he gives her what she wants, pulsing his fingers, quickening his pace with each stroke. Her lips are parted and she’s taking in quick little breaths.

 

“Yes, gods, yes!” she moans out.

 

He remembers reading that there’s a spot, just inside and up, so he curls his fingers and feels how she has a different texture there. Her eyes go to his and she starts to pant. “Right there, Force, Ben, right there!”

 

Repeating the motion, she starts to babble nonsense and her skin has grown flushed. Her pupils are wide with lust and her cries of pleasure go straight to his core. He’s really doing this, sharing this with his beautiful Rey.

 

She’s meeting each thrust with her rolling hips and she starts to whine, seeming almost frustrated. “More, I … I need more.”

 

Their faces are so close, eyes intensely connected. “Tell me what you need, beloved.”

 

Then she again gets that shy look in her eyes. “When … when I’m alone … higher.”

 

Right. Of course, he knew that. Women often need more than just penetration. He has been studying quite a lot, after all. But … what if he shifted his hand just so? He twists his wrist until he can use his thumb on her clit as well as his fingers in her passage.

 

It takes him a moment to get his bearings, but then he feels a hard little bud of flesh and he’s certain he’s found it. He makes gentle circles around the fascinating center of her pleasure.

 

“A bit to the right, yes, like that. _Harder_.”

 

He does his best to follow her instructions then she throws her head back and swears. Is that good? Her hand goes to his head and she fists his hair as her other hand twists the sheets. Her whole body is writhing and she’s getting marvelously _loud_.

 

Wait. What’s that? He feels a flutter around his fingers, her muscles contracting. She’s tightening around his fingers and she’s almost screaming. Eyes closed tightly, her face contorts in pleasure. Pleasure _he_ is giving her. He never, ever wants to stop touching her like this.

 

His cock is _throbbing_ , jumping with each of her high moans. Gods, he could listen to Rey lost to her ecstasy _forever_. He wants to find out every single noise he could coax from her throat.

 

Then her eyes fly open and she pulls his face so close he almost can’t hold her gaze. “Ben, I’m, I’m—oh gods, Ben!”

 

She contracts around his fingers, so hard she nearly pushes him out, but it’s mesmerizing and she’s calling out his name over and over again as she comes apart around his hand. The twist of pleasure he feels in his core is so intense he wonders if he came, too.

 

He keeps moving his fingers until she quiets then he stills, his hand still buried in her. There are wonderful little aftershocks and she trembles with each one. Her eyes are glazed and she’s breathing harshly.

 

Surging forward, she kisses him, hard and frantic. He meets her intensity as he gently pulls his hand from her utterly exquisite sex. He must have her with him, he has to do this as often as she’ll let him. Will it feel differently if it’s not through their bond?

 

He’d thought she’d wish to recover, but now she’s pulling off his tunic and pushing him on his back. Oh. Oh! Her little hands are unbuttoning his trousers and his mind whites out when he feels her clever fingers wrap around him.

 

Nothing could have prepared him for the delectable feeling of her hand stroking firmly along his length. This is so much better than his dreams. But then she stops and finds his eyes. “I … I should have asked, is this okay?”

 

Words aren’t possible for him just now, so he nods eagerly. She smiles, just a tad smugly, and then he’s utterly lost to sensation as she continues to stroke him. It’s so different than his own large hand. Her fingers are slim, her palm smaller, and she’s hesitant, not using as much pressure as he does. But that makes it that much better somehow, because Rey is _touching_ him, wanting to give this to him. That she wants to give him this, it soothes something raw inside and he has the strangest moment where he thinks he might cry.

 

Then her fingers tighten around him, speeding up her pace and everything but Rey’s eyes and the glorious tension she’s building within him just falls away.

 

He was already so close, this won’t take long. His mind blurs with bliss and his instinct is to close his eyes. But he doesn’t want to. He wants her hazel depths burning into him when she takes him _there_. Force, Rey, his precious, gorgeous, perfect Rey has her hand wrapped around him. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods.

 

His orgasm is gathering fast, sparking up and down his spine. Holy hell, it almost feels _too_ good. He’s begun to moan and, and, and he’s gone. His release surges from him and he keeps his eyes locked with hers. She’s panting along with him as another wave crashes over him. He’s coming so hard that he’s seeing stars. It feels like it goes on forever until finally the last burst of his seed is pulled from him.

 

Collapsing back on the bed, he tries to catch his breath. She’s breathing hard, too. He looks over at her and finds her blinking, almost in shock. She pulls her hand from him and he’s suddenly embarrassed by his mess. Swiftly, he calls a cloth to him with the Force and takes her hand, cleaning his spend from her fingers, then himself.

 

Feeling very exposed, he tucks himself back in his trousers. Was this too much for her? He knew it. She wasn’t ready. He never should have allowed this. He stares up at the ceiling, waiting for her to pull from him.

 

“That was amazing,” she finally says. Wait, what?

 

She goes up on one elbow so that she is looking down on his face. She’s grinning, then she starts to make little patterns with her fingers against his bare chest. His fear begins to recede.

 

“I never knew I could make someone feel like that. I swear, it almost felt like I came again when you did.”

 

He blinks at her dumbly. It hadn’t occurred to him that she’d want to … talk about it like this. He feels young and awkward, but at least she doesn’t seem to be regretting it. He could never regret anything he shares with his beloved.

 

He still hasn’t said anything when she kisses him. It’s a sweet kiss, full of love. “Thank you,” she murmurs against his lips.

 

She’s thanking him? He’s the one who should be thanking _her_. Giving him the honor of touching her like that, giving him the best orgasm of his life … no this won’t do. He pulls back and holds her eyes. “Thank _you_ , Rey.”

 

There’s a flash of insecurity in her eyes and she says, “So … it was … okay?”

 

He takes her face in both hands and says, “It was perfect. _You’re_ perfect. Not that I ever would, but I’m really not letting you go, now.” He grins at her wolfishly.

 

Turning, she settles her head against his chest. “Maker … if it feels so good when we do that, I’m not sure I’ll survive the first time I feel you inside me.”

 

His recently spent cock twitches hopefully and he tightens his arms around her. He very much wants to be with her like that, but … he wants … he wants … “Rey, when I make love to you for the first time I want us to be truly together. In the same physical space.”

 

She pulls away slightly, looking at his face. Her expression is thoughtful. “You really meant it, didn’t you? That you choose me. That you’re going to find a way for us to be together.”

 

“Yes. I’ve never wanted … _needed_ anything more in my life.”

 

She nods. “Okay. I can wait.” Then alarm flashes across her face. “We can still do this though, touch each other, right?”

 

He barks out a laugh. “Oh, my wonderful Rey, I’m going to touch you like this as often as you’ll let me.”

 

Pure wickedness sparks in her eyes. “Well, in that case …” She brings her lips to his ear and breathes out, “Let’s get started right away.” Rey pulls at his hand, drawing it back to her center.

 

Ben eagerly complies.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, my brilliant and beautiful readers! I've missed you tremendously. I am extremely resentful that I have to work instead of write all the time. But, such is life. I'll post the next chapter on Thursday. Thank you again, all of your kudos and comments fill me with such gratitude. I really wish I could give everyone a big hug. I'm embarrassingly mushy like that. 
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who took me on a winter picnic and read to me. He also came home from the store with a little Kylo Ren figure. The horde grows.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre enjoy a bit of afterglow before they finally talk. He lays out his plan for her and he realizes he can't avoid it anymore. He has to face his mom.

He holds her close, so close. Their skin hums together and he strokes his fingers through her hair. Still shuddering from his last climax, he presses his lips against her temple and the overpowering love he feels for her flows through him.

 

Swallowing thickly, his voice breaks when he says, “I love you so much, Rey.”

 

Her arms tighten around him and she responds, “I love _you_ , Ben.”

 

He’s near tears from the glory of it all. Being with Rey like this, giving her pleasure, receiving it, he can’t begin to process just how much she makes him _feel_.

 

The sensation of their bare torsos pressed together is enough to make him tremble and he wonders what it will feel like to be completely naked with her. It’s already entirely beyond his ability to comprehend and all he can do is surrender to this singular connection, this singular woman.

 

But, they’ve already spent several hours lost in rapture, time he knows should have been spent talking. He can never anticipate how long he’ll have with her and he knows he’s been foolish. Reckless. He hopes the Force will give them just a bit more time.

 

“Rey?” His voice sounds somewhat less shaky.

 

“Mmm,” she hums languidly.

 

“There are things we need to talk about.”

 

She sighs deeply. “I know. I just … after everything that happened I … I needed you. Needed this.”

 

Perhaps he hasn’t been so foolish, after all. Perhaps they truly _had_ needed this more than anything else. It feels like they’ve made promises to each other with their skin.

 

“I … I did too.” He shifts her and captures her lips, kissing her because he doesn’t have the words to express himself. To explain how she’s changed _everything_.

 

After allowing them just a few more moments to revel in each other, he eventually pulls back and looks into her eyes.

 

Everything about her is perfect, but it’s her eyes that have always held him fast. So many colors, such ferocity, so much compassion. He’d like to just fall into them, but it’s time to talk.

 

“You know who General Hux is, right?”

 

Her lips make a moue of distaste. “Who _doesn’t_ know who that rat is?”

 

“I quite agree. He’s getting very dangerous and I know he’s plotting. I don’t know what he has planned—yet, but I’m certain it’s not good. I think I have him working with me, for the moment, but I don’t trust a word he says.”

 

He can tell she doesn't really like talking about the First Order, but they must. “Working with you? What … what’s your plan?”

 

This is it. This is the moment when he proves that all that matters to him is her. He’s about to collude with the enemy. Treason. But it doesn’t _feel_ like treason and she is anything but his enemy.

 

“I need time. He’s dead-set on eradicating the Resistance and I want to work with you … and my mother, to make him believe that he has. We create a target, I’ll ensure it’s attacked from orbit, no ground troops.”

 

While he's been talking, Rey has settled back against his chest. He feels her nod and he kisses the top of her head.  

 

“We’ll have a few stragglers ‘escape’ and let it be known that Leia Organa and the Jedi Rey are dead. Then I want you all to hide. I need three months. That’s all I’m asking for. Three months to make allies within the First Order. Then we reveal that you’re alive and well and we … we can start to work together. Find a better way. No more imperialism. But no more Republic, either. Something between and beyond. Something new.”

 

It reminds him a bit of how he'd swayed his fellow Jedi. He shies away from how that turned out and focuses on that he knows he can be persuasive when he believes in his cause.

 

“No more conquest?” she asks suspiciously.

 

“No, no more conquest, I promise. I see now that that only leads to this constant cycle of destruction. I can’t promise you that there won’t be more bloodshed, but I can promise that what happened on Jentesh VI won’t happen once I’m able to unravel whatever Hux has done. I just can’t focus on that while you and my mother are so threatened. I just … I just can’t.”

 

“Are we in any danger right now?” As if he would simply be laying with her like this if she were!

 

“I don't believe so. May I presume that Finn’s tracker is on a ship far away from where you really are?”

 

A pained expression crosses her face. “I … I don’t know. All I know is that they got it out of him and they had a plan. They haven’t told me anything since Leia found out about … us. I … I’ve been confined to my quarters.”

 

“What?” he growls.

 

“Don’t … don’t be like that. What else was Leia supposed to do? For all she knows you could be using me …”

 

He scowls fiercely. “I would _never-_ ”

 

“Shhh, I know. I know that. But … you still haven’t agreed to talk with her … And you wouldn’t let me explain about Snoke. All she really knows is … is …” She shudders and looks away from him.

 

“Is that I killed my father,” he says with no inflection.

 

Her eyes come back to him and they’re sad but oddly encouraging. “And she doesn’t know why.”

 

Staring blankly at the ceiling he tries to keep himself centered by stroking Rey’s back, feeling her skin. He knew he’d have to talk to his mother. He hadn’t really thought about it, simply understanding that he can’t do this without her. If he’s going to have any chance at all at changing things from within, he has to get the Resistance to pull back, give him some _time_.

 

He’s furious that Rey is being punished for his crimes. Intellectually he understands. His mother would be an idiot to have done anything else. But … but this is _Rey_. She’s already suffered enough because of him.

 

“Alright,” he says flatly.

 

“Alright?”

 

“Alright, I’ll talk with her.” He wishes he didn't sound so petulant.

 

“Now?” she asks hopefully.

 

Oh. He supposes it should be now, there’s no way to know when he’ll next have the opportunity. But he has no desire whatsoever to pull from Rey, watch her hide away her lovely breasts, then talk with his _mother_. It’s positively surreal.

 

He’s about to agree when he remembers something else he must discuss with Rey. “Before you comm her, there’s another item I’d like to talk about.” He’s not sure how she’ll react to this and he’s a bit worried she won’t like it.

 

“What is it?” she asks, her eyes sparking with curiosity.

 

“Rey … I’d like you to consider allowing me to give you a cloaked communications device. I won’t be able to track you through it,” he says hurriedly. “But I don’t want to take the chance that I need to warn you of something and be unable to reach you through our connection.”

 

Her eyes flit around the room and she clutches at his chest. “Oh,” is all she says.

 

“Please, if Hux pulls something else and I’m unable to warn you …”

 

She nods faintly, obviously thinking hard. “How … how would you get it to me?”

 

Nervously, he offers, “I had hoped you would agree to … to meet with me.”

 

Her eyes go very wide and the flare of excitement he sees encourages him. “We’d … we’d get to see each other?”

 

He’d thought he’d have to make more of a case, that she’d … be more afraid. But now she’s smiling a little secret smile and he remembers how young she is. He may be as inexperienced with any of this as she is, but for a moment he sees a hint of the young woman she should have been hiding behind her eyes. No galactic conflict, no Force, no overwhelming bond she never chose. Just a girl, a regular girl. Excited to see _him_.

 

Pushing her hair back from her face then cradling the back of her head, he says, “It wouldn’t be for very much time. I’ll need to sneak off the ship. If Hux knows I’ve left, he’ll be exceptionally suspicious. But yes, we’d get to truly see each other.”

 

She nibbles at her bottom lip. “I’ll need to get Leia’s permission.”

 

His temper flares at the reminder that his beloved is being _caged_ and a small part of him wants to laugh at the absurdity of it. Will Leia give her a _curfew_? He suppresses a snort and his ire leaves him.

 

“Then I suppose it’s time we asked her.”

 

“You’re ready, to talk with her?”

 

He laughs a sound with no mirth. “No, I’m really not. But I don’t think I ever will be.” He takes in a deep breath. “It’s time.”

 

Rey holds his eyes for a moment, then strokes his cheek. “It’s going to be alright. Remember, she still loves you. She _wants_ to trust you. It was in her eyes.”

 

He nods slightly then he’s encouraging her to sit up. He helps her with her shirt, then puts his own tunic back on while she fixes her hair.

 

Finally, they’re both presentable and she holds his eyes as she comms his mother.

 

Force, what is he even doing?

 

\---

 

“Hello, Leia.”

 

Ben stands next to Rey and he can sense his mother’s presence. He can’t see her, hear her, but her Force signature is unmistakable.

 

“You can?” Rey asks Leia. Then she turns to Ben and says, “Your mother says she can feel you. She couldn’t feel you before.”

 

“I can feel her, too. I felt her last time as well, but it’s much stronger now.”

 

Rey looks between them speculatively. Sensing his mother like this, it feels like it had when he was a boy, when he always knew right where she was. It’s such a warm, achingly familiar feeling and it makes him yearn for a time long-dead. He struggles against the conflicting urges to shield himself and to go deeper.

 

Then the silence grows. Is his mother talking? But Rey doesn’t appear to be listening, she’s just watching his mother sadly.

 

“What … what’s going on?” Ben asks.

 

“I think … I think she’s just … feeling you,” Rey says quietly.

 

His eyes close tightly and the pain is swift. And in an instant, he understands how much he’s missed his mother. If only she’d never sent him away … what would his life be like now if she’d just let him _stay_?

 

But now Rey is nodding. She looks to Ben and says, “She wants to know why she should trust you.”

 

Because he’d die before he ever let Rey be harmed again. Because he can barely live with what he did to his father and if his mother died due to even his inaction, he would never recover. Because the First Order is as wrong as the Republic and he has a chance, a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless, to change things. He could have said any of those things. Instead he says, “Because Hux is a fanatical tyrant who will never stop until every single Resistance member is dead.”

 

Rey conveys what he’s said and then breathes in sharply and looks almost disappointed when she says, “Leia asked why that’s a problem for you.”

 

In that moment he realizes this is never going to work. He can’t properly convey what he’s feeling in words, words translated through an intermediary, at least not words that will persuade General Organa to work with him.

 

“Rey …” Is he really going to do this? Gods, he must be mad. “Rey, I want you to put my hand in my mother’s.”

 

Her brows shoot up. “What? Why?”

 

“I need to communicate with her directly and I think … given our past … connection, that this might work.”

 

“You … you’re willing to talk with her … through the Force?”

 

He fixes Rey with his eyes. “I will do anything I have to in order to keep you safe. There is nothing I will not face for you, Rey. Nothing.”

 

She blinks rapidly and she murmurs, “Oh.” Then she looks down for a moment, but he sees her smile.

 

“Leia … he wants … he wants me to join your hands.”

 

Rey is obviously listening intently to what Leia is saying. “He said … he said he’s doing it for me.” Another secret smile crosses her lips. “He does. Very much.” Rey nods and quietly says, “Thank you.”

 

Her attention returns to him. “She’s ready. Come here.”

 

Rey reaches for his hand and he watches as she places her other hand around Leia’s and he tries to keep the panic at bay. He hasn’t had any sort of contact with his mother in seven years and the chasm between them … he’s not sure it can ever be bridged. If he wants to.

 

But then he can’t think through the blinding pain he’s sensing. He stumbles, almost falling. It’s too much, the grief winding through her _howls_ through him. Maker, he can’t think! Force, is this … is this how she feels? Did he … did he do this to her?

 

Flashes, moments start to coalesce. The small weight of a baby in her arms. Him. The warmth envelopes him and he begins to get his bearings. The sensation of his hair threading through her fingers as she gave him his first haircut.

 

Completion. She’s in his father’s arms and it’s so similar to what he feels when he holds Rey … he finally truly understands what he took from her. He hadn’t … he hadn’t thought of that. He murdered his mother’s beloved. That’s when the tears start.

 

“I’m sorry!” he calls through the Force. “Mother, I’m so sorry! I never … I couldn’t … I didn’t … oh, gods… I didn’t mean it.”

 

Sharp, red accusation knifes through him. “I thought I had to … I thought I had to,” he wails.

 

She doesn’t say anything and that’s when he realizes that she _can’t_. She’s feeling his feelings, he’s feeling hers. His words never traveled, only his emotions, images, sensations. The purity of this communication makes him feel raw, exposed and terribly vulnerable.

 

The storm lessens as his mother finds some control over herself and then, suddenly she is placid. Ah. This. He remembers _this_. His mother could always find her calm, even when he desperately needed her to meet him in his storm. Leia Organa can always keep herself under control.

 

He feels curiosity and he realizes she’s waiting. Waiting for him to make his case. He begins with Rey, how he feels about her, careful to focus on his love and not his desire, but he still feels some of it slip through.

 

His fear for his mother’s safety when he realized what Hux had done, that she might die before Ben was ever able to see her again. That it would be his fault. The desperation, how he’d pleaded with Rey to get them both to safety.

 

Disillusionment with the First Order, realizing the futility of it all. Hope for a better way. The need for time.

 

He remembers Rey telling him that his mother deserved answers for his father, to know what Snoke had done to him.

 

So he allows himself to remember. Remember what it was like before Rey. How every day was constant torment and near-madness. The never-ending pull to the light. The shame, the unrelenting shame as he would fail again and again.

 

He had been a man made of fractured pieces, grinding together like broken bones. He remembers, oh how he remembers.

 

The night after Snoke first told him he expected Ben to kill his father. The horror. The revulsion. How it had made him sick. The hope that it would finally heal the rift in his soul. Peace, please, Force, please give him peace.

 

Crawling to his master, begging for any little scrap. Then the punishments. Taking it like a beaten _dog_. How Snoke would use lightning over and over and _over_ again, how sometimes he thought he might die. How sometimes he wanted to …

 

Oh … oh, he remembers this. She did this when he was a boy and he’d had nightmares. He feels her light wrap around him and it feels just like it had when he was small. Safe. He’s so _safe_. The monsters can’t get him if Mama’s here. He almost hears the lullaby she used to sing.

 

Cradled in his mother’s love he begins to weep in earnest. “I’m sorry. Please, Mother, I’m so sorry.”

 

Time is moving oddly, and echoes of _my precious boy_ ring in his head, long-denied memories rising to the surface. All the while he feels as if she’s rocking him as she did when he was small. A light kiss at his temple.

 

Then he feels a _new_ feeling.

 

It takes him awhile to discern it. He’s never really felt it before. At first he can’t accept it, pushes it back, shaking his head. He … he can’t do this. He wants to rip away as much as he wants this feeling so badly that he never wants to leave this place.

 

Finally, he bows his head and he can feel her hand ruffle through his hair and he finally lets it in.

 

Forgiveness.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no self-control. I know I said Thursday, but it's ready, so I'm posting early. Another chapter by or on Monday.
> 
> Reactions to Ben the Nerd in last chapter had me in stitches. Thank you for being such an incredibly fun group of people. You make the writing experience so rich and engaging. *glomps* (yes, I'm internet old)
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who surprised me with the TLJ Visual Dictionary to have as a reference for writing. I told him he's spoiling me and he said, "That's my job."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath for Darth Darcy. Being forgiven is one thing, but accepting that forgiveness ... Space Eyre comforts her poor broken mess of a man and plans are made for their very first date!

Rey’s arms wrap around him as he feels himself pulled away from the overwhelming place of connection with his mother. No! He’s not ready! But then his beloved is encouraging him to lay his head on her shoulder and she’s soothing him with her fingers in his hair.

 

He should stop this sniveling, but … he _can’t_. Rey is holding him and he just … lets go. He’s done so much, hurt so many … for what? Dear gods, for what? Nothing, it had all meant _nothing_.

 

This knowledge, he’s been pushing it away since the moment he realized—on that nightmare bridge bathed in red—that there was nothing he could do to snuff out the light. That if killing his own father didn’t bring him fully to the dark, nothing ever could. Nothing … nothing. All for nothing.

 

Father. Oh, _Father_... he can’t really believe that he did that, as he’s pulled further down into memory, the sensation of his blade plunging through his father’s heart. That discordant sense of utter wrongness rises in him. It will never fade. Until the end of his days he will _always_ be the son who murdered his father, stole his mother’s husband from her. Oh … oh, Maker it’s even worse than that ...

 

In a blinding moment of clarity, he understands that his father _had_ loved him. Fiercely. Ben just couldn’t perceive it. But now, after feeling how his parents had loved each other … he spirals into the daydreams of Rey heavy and ripe and he knows, deep down in a place he cannot deny, that he would give anything, _do_ anything for a child borne of his beautiful Rey.

 

What if all those frowns from his childhood were _confusion_? What if his father had truly meant it when he’d said, “We miss you. Come home.” Oh, Force … what if … what if he _had_ , taken his father's offer and gone _home_?

 

His father would be _alive_ , he'd be with Rey every single day. _Every single night._ His soul wouldn't be a shattered mass of mistakes and regret.

 

He can barely think through the bursting connections, and he starts to gasp, unable to fill his lungs with air. His heart beats wildly, out of sync, it hurts. Make it stop, it hurts.

 

“Look at me!” Rey’s plaintive call breaks through his anguish.

 

His eyes, near blind with tears, search for hers, then she’s grabbing his face and all he can see is _Rey_.

 

“There, yes. Focus on me.”

 

He blinks slowly and his tears stop. Stars, she’s so beautiful.

 

“That’s it Ben, just listen to the sound of my voice. You’re alright. You’re safe.”

 

Safe? Safe?! He knows that’s a _lie_. But … _Rey_ is telling him he’s safe and her hands running through his hair feel _so good_. Mmmm. Rey is here. Rey … Rey … Rey …

 

“Yes, he’s fine. Well, he’s going to be fine. I’m sorry I broke you apart like that, but he was … he wasn’t alright.” Who is Rey talking to?

 

Oh. That’s right. He’d been with his mother. Wait, how is that possible? He shrugs slightly, deciding Rey can do anything.

 

She makes a little squeak when he pulls her to him, burying his face at the crook of her neck. She smells just right. _Home_.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Mmm?” he enquires as he nuzzles against her.

 

But she pulls back and he whines in disappointment. She again takes his face in her hands. “Your mother is extremely worried about you. And so am I. What … what happened?”

 

Rey looks so concerned and he doesn’t like it. She shouldn’t be distressed. Then his mind begins to clear and he starts to remember. He'd been with his _mother_. Shame coils and snags through him as he realizes he’d … he’d shared _everything_. The lightning. How he blindly obeyed a _monster_. The way his own body had rebelled against the unnatural act demanded of him ...

 

Then she'd … she’d forgiven him. Force … how is that even possible?

 

Rey’s face is so full of fear and he doesn’t know how she brings herself to touch him. He’s too stained with his father’s blood. Maker, he’s _disgusting_. But her hands slide down his cheeks and she’s pulling him into her arms again.

 

Why would the Force have ever given him such a gift? This bond? Bless him with Rey while damning her with _him_? He doesn’t understand. All he knows is that when she holds him, he feels whole.

 

“Please … please tell me what happened, Ben,” she murmurs against his cheek.

 

Taking in a shuddering breath, he prepares to pull away so that he may see her face when he tries to explain what he doesn’t even begin to comprehend himself. Most of him wants to stay right here forever. In Rey’s arms where everything doesn't hurt all the time. He's so damned tired.

 

Finally he shifts, loosening his hold and finding Rey’s eyes.

 

“She … she forgave me,” he whispers. The words feel odd in his mouth.

 

A gentle, kind smile blooms on Rey’s face. “I'm glad.”

 

Glad? But … he does _not_ deserve this … this … impossible grace. He almost wants Rey to hiss and spit, remind him he's a murderous snake, a monster. Creatures are not for forgiving. He can't let this _in_.

 

“But I don't understand! How can she ... how can she possibly forgive me? I killed him, Rey!”

 

She flinches and looks away. She’s right not to want to look at him. He rips his hands from her and stares at them with horror. “I killed him with _these_ hands!” He thrusts them out in front of him, palms up.

 

She tries to lace their fingers together but he barks, “No!” He swiftly avoids her grasp. “These hands don't deserve to touch you! These hands have brought only pain and destruction and _murder_. I cannot be forgiven!” _I don't know how to be._

 

Rey’s brows draw together in a deep furrow. She again holds out her hands and says, “Please, Ben. Please.”

 

“I have no right to touch you. I'll only taint you,” he snarls, backing away from her.

 

“Stop. I'm the one who decides if you're allowed to touch me. It's not your choice to make. Now give me your hands,” she says sternly.

 

Ben shakes his head. “Tell her … tell my mother that she shouldn’t forgive me. Tell her she should hate me!” _Like I hate myself ..._

 

“I’m not going to do that,” Rey says gently, then looks over to where his mother must be standing. “He’s having trouble accepting that you forgive him.” Rey smiles just a bit and nods.

 

He doesn't like that they’re discussing him. It makes him feel like an errant child. “What did she say?” he asks shortly.

 

“She said, ‘Well it’s a good thing that’s not up to him.’”

 

Some part of him is quickly filled with familiar fury at how dismissive his mother can be. She _always_ did this when he was a boy, when he’d get so angry. She’d smile at him indulgently and it made him feel so _stupid_.

 

Yet … he'd _felt_ it. Instinctively he knows that lying was simply impossible in that strange place of feelings and raw history. He knows his mother truly does forgive him, even as he will never, _ever_ forgive himself.

 

She doesn’t even know why he'd destroyed the temple, killed … _Chan, Rell_ … no, he won’t remember them. How he’d tried to get his fellow Jedi to see, how everything went so horribly wrong …

 

He wraps his arms around his torso and turns away from Rey, ignoring the flash of hurt he sees.

 

Skywalker is dead. He’s hurt his mother enough, she doesn’t need to know what her brother did to him.

 

Wait. That means she'd forgiven him even thinking he'd betrayed her brother? Murdered her husband, destroyed her twin …

 

He turns slightly and croaks out, “Why?”

 

“Why what?” Rey asks, her hands reaching for him again. He tightens his arms around himself, he doesn’t deserve her offered comfort.

 

“Why was she willing to forgive me? Why would she _want_ to?” he nearly begs.

 

“Oh Ben … you … there’s so much I wish you could see …” she says sadly before closing her eyes briefly.

 

Rey focuses her attention on Leia and asks her his question. She listens and then nods. “She said … she said because you're her child.” Her voice is filled with sadness, but it’s different, now … she’s beginning to hunch into herself.

 

Something is upsetting Rey. It pulls him from his spiral of self-loathing and the ever-beckoning past. His beloved needs him, and even if he knows he doesn’t deserve to touch her, it will help her if he does. And so he's reaching for her, taking her hands, needing to comfort her the way she’d been attempting to comfort him.

 

Stroking his thumbs along her palms he peers at her. Yes, something's _wrong_. “Rey?”

 

Her eyes dart to his and he sees it. The longing, that deep wound that's behind all of her choices. Her parents.

 

Then her expression clears and her spine straightens. She shakes her head. “It's not time for that,” she says, almost to herself.

 

“But-”

 

“No. I can't! I … maybe later.” She searches his eyes pleadingly. After a long moment he nods once.

 

She lets out a slow sigh. “Are you feeling better?” she asks.

 

Something about his concern for Rey has pulled him from the chaos of his history. Locking it all away again, he takes in centering breath.

 

“Yes. I am.” He lifts her hand to his lips, kissing her palm softly. Her fingers press into his cheek. He may not deserve her touch, but he's never going to give it up. He's not strong enough to go without her.

 

“Thank you, for …” For holding him as he fell apart so completely. For making this time with his mother possible. For loving him. But nothing seems right. “Just … thank you,” he finishes awkwardly.

 

Her eyes grow soft and she strokes his cheek. “You’re welcome.”

 

Leaning forward, they touch their foreheads and _feel_ each other for a moment before breaking apart.

 

There's much left to talk about with his mother.

 

\---

 

He'd listened to Rey explain his plan to thwart Hux. She'd added to it here and there, logistical details he hadn't yet considered. It had sounded so much more … thorough when he’d listened to her lay it out for his mother. He wonders if Rey has the barest comprehension of how amazing she is?

 

As she’d talked and answered his mother’s questions, he’d been able to put himself back together, more or less. The strong sense that he shouldn’t touch Rey has replaced itself with the need to hold her close.

 

Now they're alone again, Leia needing to think. His mother had touched his hand briefly again just before she'd left. He'd been surprised to feel … pride. And a rush of deep affection for Rey, approval ...

 

Tucking Rey against his chest, he gives himself a few moments of simply enjoying the solid rightness of her in his arms, but they’ve been together for most of the night at this point, and she’s sure to fade soon.

 

He pulls back and looks down into her face. “You never asked my mother about … about meeting me. In person.” He’s decided on Cathne. It’s less than an hour from the _Finalizer’_ s current position. He’ll be able to manage a few hours away undetected.

 

“I want to have that conversation alone,” she says, blushing.

 

It stings that she doesn't trust him and his face falls.

 

“No! It's not because there are things I don't want you to know. It's … she asks such _embarrassing_ questions … half the time I don’t even know what she means ...” she trails off.

 

He remembers how Rey’s cheeks had flamed when his mother had just found out about their bond. How shocked Rey had been at something the other woman had asked.

 

“What was it she said, anyway, when you said ‘it hasn't come up’?”

 

Rey’s blush deepens. “She asked … she asked if I had the … uhm ... implant…”

 

Oh. Oh! He hadn't even thought of that! For a strange moment he wants to be incredibly reckless and not bother with it when the time comes. But … it's war and Rey pregnant … with his child … it would be beyond selfish. The thought lingers, however.

 

Rey’s cheeks are still burning and he asks, “Why … why did that embarrass you?”

 

“She’s your mother! Besides … I …” She looks away and grows quite tense.

 

“What is it, sweetheart?”

 

“I never thought … I never thought I’d ever … _be_ with a man. On Jakku no one can afford the implants anyway and I don’t … I don’t really know what to do. I mean … do I just go to the doctor and … ask? And I don’t have anything to trade for it and I ...”

 

She looks so nervous so he takes her into his arms and murmurs, “I’ll take care of it. As long as one of us has one, that’s all that matters. But if you do want one, yes, you just need to ask. They won’t expect you to trade anything for it, I’m certain.” The Resistance doesn’t want pregnant soldiers any more than the First Order.

 

Rey grimaces. “I don’t understand that,” she says lowly.

 

“What, what don’t you understand?”

 

“They just … they just give me things.” She shrugs. “The first day I was on Atalyn, I tried to offer to work on ships for food and Poe just stared at me … Finn explained and I … I hate their _pity_.”

 

He works very hard to keep the sorrow off of his face. Of course she wouldn’t understand kindness. Plutt taught her that no one ever does anything without expecting something in return and he suspects this lesson will take a long time to untangle.

 

Rey sighs. “Then Leia, she … she started bringing me beautiful clothes, jewelry ... and it _scared_ me. It felt … it _feels_ like a debt I can never work off. She tells me I’m being silly, but …”

 

Ben hums slightly. “I think you need to talk to her. Tell her about Jakku. And I mean the truth of it. What it was like. Plutt,” he says darkly.

 

Rey shakes her head emphatically. “No. I don’t … I don’t want her to know I was … I was a slave.” Her voice is thick with humiliation and it slices into him.

 

“Rey, you have nothing to be ashamed of, _nothing_. My mother … my mother will help you. She … she cares about you very much. I felt it when we were together in the Force.”

 

She scoffs. “Leia cares about everyone.”

 

“No … you’re special to her. I know you are. Talk to her. You don’t need to be alone in this.” He’s surprised at how much of the resentment he’s used to feeling just … isn’t there. His mother always had a protégé or two under her wing and he’d _hated_ them. But now … now he just sees it as his mother’s nature and he’s in fact quite grateful for it. Rey needs someone to help her navigate this new reality where none of her old rules apply.

 

“I hate not knowing how things work. At least on Jakku everything made sense.”

 

“You’ll learn. You already are. Talk to her,” he repeats.

 

She holds his eyes and some of the trepidation fades. “I … okay. Okay, I’ll talk to her.”

 

“Good, good.”

 

He wishes he was with her all of the time. To be the one to help her learn to accept generosity, slowly ease the suspicion he often sees in her face. Oh how he despises what her parents did to her. Wait, her parents, something had made her think of them while he was cracking wide open.

 

“Earlier … something reminded you of your parents. What was it?”

 

She flinches and blinks rapidly. “It was … it was when Leia said she forgives you because you’re her child, like it was the most obvious thing in the galaxy. Like there was nothing you could do to stop her loving you. No one has ever loved me like that.”

 

Ben cups her cheek, noticing how his large hand covers almost half of her face. “That’s not true …”

 

“Of course it is! They sold me!” she exclaims hotly.

 

“No … Rey … I meant me. There’s nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you.”

 

“Oh,” she says sheepishly.

 

He draws his thumb along the silken skin of her cheek, simply holding her eyes, letting her see his devotion.

 

She leans forward and kisses him, long and slow. Pulling back, she says, “And … and I guess I was a little angry. I try not to be, but sometimes …”

 

“Sometimes?” he prods.

 

Her eyes grow hollow and she looks away from him. “You … you had _everything_ I wanted and … and I know there’s so much more to it, but sometimes I still get upset that you don’t see how lucky you were.”

 

His brows shoot up. Lucky? He’s anything but lucky to have been born into the Skywalker family but something about her bearing keeps him from arguing with her. Then he realizes she’s right. Measuring by Rey’s scale is … humbling.

 

Drawing her to him, pressing her face into his chest, he rumbles, “I’m beginning to.”

 

\---

 

Ben notes the time, there’s really no point in going to sleep. He feels oddly at peace, as if some of his anguish has bled out of him. The calm Rey brings has remained. They’d spent their last few minutes together caressing each other gently and he’d had his lips pressed to hers as she’d faded.

 

They’ve made plans to meet on Cathne the day after tomorrow. That should give him enough time to adjust duty schedules and disable the necessary security measures. And for her to speak with his mother.

 

He wishes he had time to find a gift for her. Thinking about her life of deprivation makes him want to give her _everything_. But he can’t exactly slip off the ship _twice_. Perhaps he could arrive on Cathne a bit earlier … see if he could find something?

 

Wait … he goes to a cabinet in the corner of his room and opens the top drawer. There. When his crystal had cracked, a shard the size of the tip of his pinkie had come loose. It’s still the original blue and it feels almost warm in his palm. He’s kept it, never knowing what to do with it. It felt wrong to discard it.

 

Taking the crystal with him, goes to his work table, pulling out his tools. A design is already forming in his mind as he sits down.

 

At least this way, a part of him will always be with her.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great news! ArtemisBare has joined the Ben Solo Pain Train crew. She's alpha reading for flow, pacing and general 'dude, that's dumb, don't do that.' All typos etc. are mine. Thank you so much, ArtemisBare!
> 
> Thank you brilliant and beautiful readers, you make every posting day thrilling and give me so much energy for writing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who occasionally tries to argue with me when I tell him he's a wonderful husband. This morning he said, "But I'm a dick." To which I said, "Ah, but not to ME." Thank you for always making me feel special.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FIRST DATE! Our darlings finally have some time together they planned themselves without the Force's whimsical interference. Darth Darcy is completely unprepared for what Space Eyre would like to get up to, but he comes around to her way of thinking. *winks*

Giddy. He feels absolutely _giddy_ with excitement. He’s going to see _Rey_ in just a few hours and the weight of her gift in his pocket makes him feel like a damned adolescent. The nervousness and anticipation have him almost bouncing out of his skin. Will it feel differently, kissing her in person?

 

He’s forced himself not to think about the last time he’d seen her since their connection had changed everything. He won’t think about what happened that day on the _Supremacy_. Well … he tries. It’s difficult not to question himself, _castigate_ himself for being so rigid.

 

This will be the first time he touches her bare skin with his true hands and the need for time to just hurry up is eating away at him. The waiting is killing him!

 

He can’t sit still so he decides to go to the bridge, hoping for some distraction before the shifts change and he’s able to put his plan into action.

 

Every spare moment he’s had between monitoring Hux and addressing First Order business has been spent either on working on her gift or adjusting duty schedules and redirecting security measures. He has a narrow window of around 15 minutes to get off of the _Finalizer_ undetected. He’ll be taking a standard TIE and the swiped flight suit is already hidden away in his quarters.

 

Hux’s snarled, “What?!” greets Ben as he strides onto the bridge.

 

“Problems?” Ben inquires with a lifted brow.

 

Hux turns to him swiftly and his jaw clenches. “Not here.”

 

Ben gestures towards Hux’s ready room and makes a point of entering first.

 

Once the door is closed, Hux seethes, “ _Somehow_ , the Resistance managed to remove FN-2187’s tracker. We’ve been following an _empty_ freighter all over the bloody galaxy.”

 

There’s a pause before Ben schools his face into a frown. “How did they find it?”

 

“I couldn’t possibly say. None of the stormtroopers know that they’re there and it’s cloaked to avoid most scans. You have to _know_ to look for it.”

 

A frisson of apprehension runs up Ben’s spine. “Then we must presume we have a leak at best, a spy at worst.” He’s going to have to find a way to cast suspicion elsewhere.

 

Hux looks at him for a long moment, his expression unreadable, but Ben senses … _something_ from the other man.

 

“Yes, as you say. There is clearly an … issue with our security,” Hux says.

 

“Where does this leave us when it comes to finding the Resistance?” Ben desperately hopes that Hux doesn’t have any further tricks up his sleeve.

 

“We’re left with traditional methods, unfortunately. We’re going to have to rely on our network of informants. But our reach is vast and the Resistance has so few resources, we’ll find them,” the general says with confidence.

 

Maker, he hopes not. He’ll have to tell Rey about this, make sure his mother knows to be extremely cautious. “Keep me informed,” Ben orders.

 

“Of course, Supreme Leader.”

 

Ben strides from the room, an apprehensive itch at the back of his head.

 

\---

 

The flight suit fits oddly, he’s used to a cloak or a cowl and it bunches in strange places. Wearing a helmet again feels almost oppressive and Snokes humiliating words keep floating through his head. _Take that ridiculous thing off._

 

Snoke himself is the one who’d insisted he hide his face. At first because Snoke hadn’t wanted to let it be known that Ben Solo had joined their cause. At the time, his face had been quite well known once his connection to Darth Vader had been revealed. Now though … he’s found when he goes without his mask few recognize him. But years ago, Snoke hadn’t been ready for the attention; the time to strike had not yet arrived. Later, after the slow whittling away of his knights … Ben had welcomed the mask, welcomed the way he could hide.

 

He supposes he’s simply hiding again, but this time with a true purpose, something real. Rey’s communication device is tucked into his boot and he reminds himself this isn’t like being Kylo Ren, this isn’t redonning his mask. But he still doesn’t like the close feeling of it around his face.

 

It’s time. He reaches out with the Force and just as he’d hoped, the corridor outside of his rooms is empty. Slipping out the door, he begins his journey to the hangar.

 

\---

 

Once he’s safely away from the _Finalizer_ , he rips the helmet from his head, breathing quickly. Everything had gone smoothly. He’d only had to mind trick the officer on duty to change the logs.

 

Entering the coordinates to Cathne, he smiles slightly. He hasn’t seen her in two days and there’s something about _knowing_ that he will, when he will, that makes him tingle with excitement. It’s only an hour’s flight, but he knows the time will go very slowly.

 

\---

 

Walking quickly, he checks his datapad, following the directions to the tavern they’d discussed. He’s going to see her! He knows he really can’t spend more than an hour with her, but it’s time truly _with_ her. And after this, he’ll be able to contact her any time he needs to. It’s a heady thought.

 

He’s in a gray shirt and dark trousers, not wanting to draw attention to himself with his usual attire. He’s left the flight suit behind in the TIE. He’d purposefully selected a First Order world so that the appearance of a TIE and its pilot would be unremarkable.

 

Happily making his way to Rey, he realizes something. What if his mother hadn’t given Rey permission? What if … what if she’s just not there? They haven’t seen each other since making their plans and she would have had no way to tell him. His heart sinks to his boots and he has to stop walking.

 

After a moment he shakes himself. She’ll be there. He _needs_ her to be there. He continues his journey, hoping nothing has gone wrong.

 

He’s about halfway there when he _feels_ her. She almost throbs in the Force and oh, Maker he’s going to have her in his arms, solid, real, _his_.

 

It takes a shocking amount of control to keep from running the rest of the way, but his pace does increase swiftly. He rounds the last corner and the tavern comes into view. It’s tucked away in a small alley and it’s supposed to be quiet and private. He wishes he could have arranged to take her somewhere grand, like the opulent hotels on Coruscant. Someday. Someday he’ll show her everything, give her everything.

 

He reaches into his pocket, assuring himself her gift is still there. It’s not as fine as he would have liked, he only had his tools to work with, but he hopes she’ll still like it.

 

There, there she is! Rey is wearing a deep green tunic with leggings and her hair is down. She’s craning her neck, looking for him and she sees him in an instant. An incandescent smile blooms on her face and she’s running to him. He matches her pace and the moment she’s within reach he captures her in his arms, swinging her around.

 

It’s the same but somehow different in person. There’s an added layer to the contact and he’s not sure how he’s ever going to let her go. She’s peppering his face with kisses, but it’s not _nearly_ enough so he sets her on her feet and takes her face in his hands, finding her lips and delving his tongue between them immediately.

 

Everything is just a bit more in focus, and the knowledge that the Force can’t snatch her away at any moment makes it all seem so much more _real_. How is he meant to make himself stop kissing her? He shifts his hands from her face and pulls her as close as he can. She goes on her tiptoes and he lifts her by her waist, closing the gap in their height. Her legs wrap around his hips and Force, her center is right against his already stiffening length.

 

Their lips haven’t parted once and the feel of her hot mouth makes his core flutter with pleasure. Maker, he wishes they were alone but they don’t have time for that.

 

“Oy!” a voice breaks into their bubble. “They have establishments for that sort of activity!”

 

Rey swiftly pulls away and looks around quickly. Ben sees the speaker first and is met with a portly twi’lek scowling at them. Rey unhooks her legs from around him and he can already see the flush rising in her cheeks. No, that will not do. He won’t have Rey being made to feel ashamed.

 

He hides her body behind him in one smooth gesture and glares at the offending party. Ben raises his hand but Rey stops him with a gentle touch on his arm. “No! Don’t hurt him.”

 

Confused, he looks back over his shoulder at her and says, “I … I wasn't going to. Just make him forget what he’s seen.”

 

“Oh. Okay,” she says sheepishly.

 

Refocusing on the twi’lek, Ben intones, “You saw nothing and will go about your business.”

 

Eyes going glassy, the twi’lek responds, “I saw nothing, just going about my business.”

 

That dealt with, he turns back to Rey and takes her hand. “It’s so, so good to see you.”

 

“I can’t believe you’re really here!” Stars, she’s almost glowing.

 

“Believe it, my love,” Ben says as he strokes her cheek with his other hand. “Come on, let’s get inside.”

 

They cross the threshold and Ben is about to speak with the man by the door about a table when Rey says, “I … well … I did some research. They have private rooms upstairs. I … I got us one. Was that … was that okay?” she asks, her shyness deeply endearing to behold.

 

“Of course!” He’s a bit put out with himself that he didn’t think to do that on his own. “But, I insist you allow me to pay for it.”

 

“No. I … this is the first time I’ve had credits and I … it’s just important to me, alright?” There’s a mullishnes to her expression that makes him back off immediately.

 

“Whatever you want, Rey.”

 

She smiles and starts pulling him to a staircase. “Come on!”

 

\---

 

The room has a table with food waiting and a wide settee in the corner. It’s small, but cozy and the room reminds him just a bit of the private areas at Maz’s old place. He pushes that thought away and focuses on what really matters.

 

Rey is still holding his hand, but seems almost furtive now. He reaches out and draws her face to look at him with two fingers under her chin. “What is it?”

 

“I … wasn’t really sure what to do … Leia helped me. I … ordered food but I just … I hope I did it right.”

 

Then he understands. Like her gift waiting in his pocket, she’d wanted to _do_ something for him. The realization fills him to bursting with warmth and love. “You did perfectly, Rey. Thank you.”

 

“Are you … are you hungry?” she asks tentatively.

 

He’s not really, but she’s obviously tried so hard to please him, so he says, “I would love to share a meal with you.”

 

She grins and leads him to the table. He pulls out her chair for her and she looks confused for a moment. “Please … sit.” he encourages.

 

Taking her seat, he joins her and she pulls the covers from their meal. It’s a simple but hardy looking collection of meats and vegetables. He makes a plate for her and then himself. She picks up her fork and he can tell she’s still not comfortable with the utensil. He wonders when he’ll stop finding more reasons to wish he could kill Plutt all over again. This time he would make sure he _suffered_.

 

Cutting into his meat, he watches her, how her eyes close in pleasure as she eats, the little hums of happiness she makes. He hasn’t even taken his first bite, too enraptured by watching her enjoy her food. There’s something about seeing her fed that quiets the snarling beast she’s awoken in his chest.

 

He’s always had a temper, and it had only grown under Snokes careful tutelage. But the feelings Rey inspire in him are so much more potent. He had no idea he could … could love like this. The ferocity of his need to see her safe and happy always comes on him swiftly when he’s reminded of what her life has been. She just … she just … she makes him better as she also makes him reckless.

 

“You aren’t eating,” she says quietly.

 

“Oh, sorry, yes. I … I was enjoying watching you.”

 

She smiles a small smile and says, “Well, don’t let your food go to waste.”

 

No … he sees that he could never pick at his food around Rey. He can feel that Rey’s relationship with food  is …. complex. Suddenly this gesture becomes much more important. Ordering their meal, having it waiting, insisting on paying for it herself …  he cannot really fathom what providing food to another must mean to Rey. There’s just so many layers to it all and he finds his throat tightening.

 

A memory comes for him. The last time he’d shared a meal with his mother. He’d nearly missed it, asuming she’d be late, like she always had been. She’d come to the temple when he was around 15. Skywalker had told him she’d arrive for the evening meal, but Ben hadn’t believed it. Too many years of waiting for Mother to arrive only to be told by whatever nanny was with him that day that he needed to eat before bed.

 

So he’d stayed away, he now sees out of spite. The shock and regret he’d felt when he’d tumbled into the hall just before the end of the dinner hour to find his mother waiting patiently … he can still feel it. There had been no recriminations, aside from Skywalker’s stern expression.

 

But his mother had just smiled at him and filled his plate with twice as much food as he was accustomed to. He’d left nothing behind, though he’d been nearly bursting by the last bite.

 

He looks at Rey and sees … so much. He may have no idea what he’s doing, but he at least understands the social customs that govern most interactions. Rey though … she’s had to learn so much so quickly and yet she still wanted to _do_ something for him.

 

He begins to eat.

 

Clearing his throat he says, “It’s good.” Her hopeful smile makes his heart ache. “Thank you for doing this, I … it’s been a long time since anyone has … well … thought of me … cared for me.”

 

The caution in her bearing falls away and her bright hazel eyes shine. “I wanted … I wanted it to be special.”

 

“Any time I have with you is special, but it … it means a great deal to me that you did this. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” she says with quiet joy.

 

\---

 

Halfway through their meal he’d realized he _couldn’t_ leave after only an hour with her. It would have meant disappearing right after her sweet plans and that hadn’t set well with him at all. Besides, he’d been certain his legs would refuse to carry him from her side. He had planned to slip back in with the morning patrol, but as she’d told him about discovering her favorite foods he’d decided to time his return to the mid-day patrol instead. While it’s early evening on Cathne, it’s early morning on the _Finalizer_.

 

They’ve just finished dinner and he breathes more easily, knowing they still have several hours together. Though, it won’t be nearly enough. He’ll never be at peace until she’s with him always.

 

Sharing something so simple as dinner had been a revelation. Watching how animated she gets when she talks, how alive her eyes become … it had made him understand a new depth to his feelings for her. He’d known he loves her, that his heart beats for her, that her touch sets him aflame, but the gentle pleasure of her company made him see what a life with her could _be_.

 

Now he’s brimming with a warm contentment he’d never have been able to fathom before Rey. He stands, holding out his hand.

 

“Come, let’s sit where I can hold you.” He doesn’t want to waste a moment he could be touching her.

 

She puts down her napkin and joins him, placing her hand in his. He draws her over to the settee and she settles into his side as they sit. His heart sighs with the completion of having her in his arms. He’s so grateful for this time together even as he knows it will make their separation that much harder.

 

He still hasn’t given her her present and he finds he’s … nervous. What if she doesn’t like it? He wants to believe that she’ll see what he’s trying to say, that he wants her to have something tangible for when they’re apart, a physical representation of his commitment to her above all things.

 

Taking in a fortifying breath he says, “Rey, I … I have something for you.”

 

“Right, yes, the communication de-”

 

“I have that too, but this is something else. It’s … it’s a gift. I made it for you.”

 

She turns in his arms and blinks up at him. “A gift?”

 

He nods and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small package. He’d wrapped it in a soft cloth. He pulls from her a bit and angles himself so he’s facing her. Taking her hand, he  nervously places the gift in her palm.

 

For a moment she just stares at the still-wrapped token. Then she looks up and he sees that her eyes have grown very wide.

 

“You made this … for me?”

 

He shrugs, suddenly feeling awkward and desperate for her to just open it. If she’s going to hate it, he wants to get it over with.

 

Her gaze goes back to the parcel and her other hand trembles slightly as she pulls back the cloth to reveal the necklace he’d made for her. All he’d had at his disposal where the tools he uses for his lightsaber’s maintenance.

 

He’d had plenty of silver wire and had meticulously soldered together the fine little rings to make the chain and had wrapped the bit of kyber crystal with several layers of the wire. In her palm it suddenly looks very shoddy indeed and he feels so stupid. What had he been _thinking_?

 

His stomach sinks when he sees tears spring to her eyes and her bottom lip quiver. But then she whispers, “This is really for me?” She seems almost in awe and he begins to breathe a bit easier.

 

“I know it’s not much, but my options were limited so I-”

 

“Ben, stop. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

She likes it? He lets out a great sigh of relief and realizes her tears are from happiness. Rey holds it up and looks at the light shining through the glinting blue of the crystal. “How did you get it?”

 

“It’s … it’s from when my crystal cracked … I saved it. I never knew why, maybe now I do.”

 

“This is from _your_ lightsaber?”

 

“Yes … I liked the idea of you having it … something of me-”

 

Her lips crash into his, cutting him off, but that is just fine with him. He accepts her passionate kiss and joins her there, desire rising in him swiftly. Tangling his hands in her hair, he pulls her across his lap and sets himself to enjoying her tender mouth.

 

One of her hands runs along his scalp then she pulls back, panting. “Wait. I want to wear it.”

 

She turns herself around in his lap and puts the necklace in his hand. “Help me put it on?”

 

Her pert bottom is nestled right against his already hard length and he fumbles a bit with the fastening, focus eluding him. She lifts her hair and the expanse of her delicate neck makes him almost frantic to kiss and nibble that soft skin. But he has a task first.

 

Carefully, he places the necklace around her throat and manages to close the clasp on the third try. Then she swiftly faces him and looks down at where his gift lies just above her breasts. He suddenly wants to see her wearing _only_ his crystal.

 

“How does it look?”

 

Something about her wearing a piece of his history, everything that had led up to the crystal cracking in the first place and all that had come after, makes him feel a bit overwhelmed. Finally he murmurs, “Right. It looks right.” Because it is. Now, in a way, he will always be with her.

 

“I’m never taking it off,” she swears.

 

He’s told her before that he’ll always love her, but she’s never said anything to indicate she sees permanence between them. The thought of her always wearing his gift, it makes another shard of his fractured soul slide back into place. She truly does want to be with him.

 

Kiss her, he has to kiss her again. He surges forward and pulls her into a deep kiss while his hands run up and down her back. “Thank you,” she moans against his mouth.

 

“No, thank _you_. You have no idea what it does to me to know that you’ll be wearing it, that no matter how far apart we are, I’ll be right there in that crystal, next to your heart.”

 

She wriggles against his hardness and grins, “I think I have an idea of what it does to you.”

 

“That seems to be my natural state around you, sweetheart,” he says, returning her grin.

 

“I’m not complaining,” she says in a low, husky voice as she moves to straddle him. He almost growls as she begins to grind against him rhythmically. He cups the back of her head and they hold each other’s eyes as they move together.

 

Force, he wants her. He wants to rip off all of her clothes and find out just what she’d feel like wrapped around his cock, but he won’t do that until they have time. Lots and lots and _lots_ of time.

 

Holding his eyes, Rey begins to push his tunic up over his chest. For a moment he wonders if he should stop her, but they’ve done this before and the thought of being able to feel her skin against his while they’re properly together is beyond his ability to deny. He helps her and their eye contact is only broken for the moment it takes to pull the cloth from his body.

 

Continuing to roll her hips against him, she smooths her hands over his chest and her eyes are full of heat. He moans at the contact, at how it feels whenever she touches him. “Rey …” he breathes out.

 

Now she’s pulling off her own shirt, her breasts beautifully bare before him. His cock pulses when he understands she’d not worn her breast band. He’s grateful he hadn’t realized that before, he never would have made it through dinner.

 

She pushes him until he’s laying back on the settee and she moves down his body, going for the fastening of his trousers. He reaches down and stills her hands. “No, Rey, let me take care of you first, let me touch you.” The memory of what it felt like to thrust his fingers up into her wetness makes him that much harder. Stars, he didn’t know he could get this hard!

 

But Rey is shaking her head. “No … I want … I want … I want to _taste_ you,” she says meaningfully.

 

As soon as he realizes what she means he nearly comes right then and his core is aching with unfulfilled need.

 

He blinks at her, trying to process what she’s said. She really wants to … with her mouth? He knows that lovers do that of course, fantasized about her thighs trapping his head against her gorgeous sex, but he never thought she’d want ....

 

The war within him is immense. His body is desperate to know what it would feel like to have that amazing mouth he so adores kissing taking him between her lips. He can’t really think about it for long, certain he’d peak. But … would he be taking advantage of her in some way? It feels so selfish.

 

She crawls up his body and he gasps at the feeling of her nipples dragging along his chest. The sensation of her bare breasts against his skin is enough to make him whimper. When she reaches his face she whispers in his ear, “Stop. Stop thinking so much. Please Ben, let me give this to you.”

 

He’s not entirely certain he can speak, but he has to try. “You really want … _that_?”

 

“I know we don’t have time to do what I really _want_ to do,” she responds with a undulation of her heat along his hardness. “I want pull off all of our clothes and take you deep inside me,  know what it’s like to have you in me.”

 

“Uhng, Rey … Force, Rey!” She’s making him incoherent with need, her frank desire making him feel wanted in a way he didn’t know he could. He grinds up against her, needing friction, needing everything she’ll give him.

 

Her lips murmur against his ear, “But I want so much to feel you in my mouth.”

 

Yes! Please, gods, yes. Her breath is hot as she pants into his neck, continuing to writhe against him. Wait … he has to make _sure_. Taking in a shuddering breath he stills her hips with his hands. He looks deeply into her eyes, searching for any trepidation. “Is that truly what you want?”

 

“ _Please_ ,” she moans out.

 

He senses no ambivalence and he’s overwhelmed with the realization that Rey truly wants this. Wants _him_. He cups her face with both of his hands and kisses her sofly. “Thank you.”

 

Her eyes gleam with satisfaction and she again moves down his body, her busy hands undoing his trousers. She’s about to slide them down when she stops. Perhaps she’s thought better of this? But she giggles and says, “Boots.”

 

Scrambling down his form, she makes quick work of them and then she’s back to her real task.

He can’t quite believe this is happening to him as he lifts his hips to allow her to pull down his trousers and underthings. His erection springs free and it’s almost standing straight up. He didn’t know it could do that!

 

Bleary with lust, he’s confused when she stands and his eyes fly open as he watches her toe off her own boots and peel her leggings down. Oh dear gods, Rey is naked. Right in front of him. The low light makes her skin glow and the sight of the apex of curls between her thighs makes him very eager to taste her, too.

 

She’s indescribably perfect standing there wearing only his gift. _Mine_ , a savage, primal part of him thinks. This exquisite, impossibly perfect woman is _his_. His love is dangling between her absolutely mouth-watering breasts and he can’t wait any longer.

 

He’s on his feet without thinking about it, going to her. He pulls her into his arms and they both groan out as they feel the expanse of their nude bodies pressed close for the first time.

 

She trembles in his arms and presses even closer. Force, just the feeling of his cock trapped against her silkin skin is nearly overwhelming. They stand, their bare bodies wrapped around each other for several long moments. They breathe in and out together, eye locked, and he senses their connection, that golden thread between their hearts.

 

With one hand, he cups her face and kisses her gently, the wild lust having quieted for a moment as they experience what it is to be in their most vulnerable state together. He thinks he could happily spend their remaining time just like this. Really, he’s never felt so complete.

 

Rey, however, has other ideas and she pulls away. His skin almost screams out at the loss of her against him, but then she’s pulling him back to the settee, encouraging him to lay back down.

 

She joins him, and he sighs to again have their bodies in contact. He hadn’t ever really considered how intense just being naked together would be, but part of him wants to simply spend this time running his hands over every inch of her skin, soaking up how touching her feels like his love for his beautiful Rey.

 

Then she’s holding his eyes with such promise as she slowly crawls down his body until her face is right next to his hardness. She doesn’t look away as she grasps him firmly. He lets out a strangled moan when she licks her lips not more than an inch away from the head of his cock.

 

Lightly, she strokes him and then …. then he can’t comprehend this is happening when her little pink tongue darts out and licks a drop of pre-come from his head. Her eyes gleam and before he’s caught up, just like that she engulfs him with her hot, wet mouth.

 

He just about screams at the feeling of her lips sliding down him. He hadn’t known what to expect, but he had no idea anything, anything at all could feel this good. Back arching off the settee, his hand slams down on the cushion and his fingers clench into the upholstery as she bobs up and down.

 

Oh, oh, oh gods! She’s using her tongue along his shaft as her mouth moves along him and his hand flies to his mouth as he bites down on his fist. While he’s certain that their privacy won’t be disturbed, he’s equally certain this tavern doesn’t expect their guests to start bellowing out obscenities.

 

His eyes roll back in his head and his heels dig into the settee when she starts to use her hand to make up for the fact she can’t quite take all of him and the added sensation jolts him quickly forward.

 

“Rey … you have to stop. I’m so close, sweetheart, you have to stop.”

 

She shakes her head and starts to hum with contentment, clearly enjoying her task. It sends vibrations straight down his shaft and his balls tighten.

 

But, he doesn’t … he shouldn’t come in her mouth. She needs to stop but, oh gods, oh gods, it’s too late. His release surges from him as the indescribable pleasure riots through his whole body. He can’t take his eyes from Rey and another wave of his orgasm moves through him at the sight of her swallowing down his spend.

 

As the last pulse of his orgasm leaves him, she pulls her mouth from his length and looks up. Her lips are so red and her hair is flowing around her shoulders; Force, she looks _edible_. Swiftly, he takes her by her upper arms and hauls her up his body, kissing her fiercely. She squeaks in surprise but kisses him back.

 

He’s never loved her more as he tastes himself on her lips. Holding her as close as he can, her small body draped over him, he feasts on her mouth just as he knows that soon he will feast on _her_.

 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he murmurs against her lips. “That was glorious. You’re glorious. I love you, Rey, I love you so damned much.”

 

In one sure movement he flips their positions and now she’s on her back. “What … what are you doing?” she asks in confusion.

 

Covering her body with his, he kisses her firmly before he moves to her neck, sucking and nibbling at her deliciously soft flesh. Then he takes her earlobe between his teeth before he growls into her ear.

 

“My turn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, you are all truly fantastic and generous readers. I love sharing this with you and you make it a genuinely wonderful experience. Thank you! I'm going to try to post on Wednesday and Friday this week, but didn't get as far as I hoped. There will be at least one other chapter this week. Please check my tumblr for updates. I try to keep everyone informed.
> 
> Thank you for my marvelous alpha reader, ArtemisBare. She makes sure I'm not being and idiot. Thank you so much, m'dear!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who went back twice to get me fries after various shenanigans yesterday. He was on a quest and by goodness, he was gonna vanquish those fried spuds! Seriously, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feed myself without Mr. Downing. I mean, saltines are a viable dinner, right?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who'da thunk that Space Fagin woulda left Space Eyre with some pretty deep insecurities? Darth Darcy kisses them all away. Smut, it's just smut.

“My turn.”

 

He drags his lips from her ear to her mouth, again wanting to taste himself on Rey’s lips. There's something about the knowledge of what she’d given him that fills his sated body with hunger. It doesn't seem to matter that he’s already found his release. He still _craves._ All the time with her, he always needs more.

 

More than that, the knowledge that she'd given him something so singular, so _intimate_ , makes him feel accepted, _wanted_ , in a way he has no place for. His beautiful Rey had simply desired to give him pleasure and he's determined to reciprocate.

 

While moving his lips against hers, their tongues dancing, he shifts, putting his weight on his hip, slightly to her side. His cock valiantly stirs against her thigh and he wonders at how she's taken over every single part of him.

 

Perhaps that is his new reality with Rey, a constant state of need and desire. It’s not such a bad fate.

 

His hand wanders down her body and his fingers skim along her healed wound. The doctors did an excellent job of knitting her skin back together and now there is only a scar the length of his hand along her side, above her waist. After the extent of the damage, their work impresses him. The lost flesh has been regrown and it looks far better than he’d expected. What it looked like never mattered to him, precisely, but he’s relieved she’s not left truly maimed by his inaction.

 

They’ve still not really talked about it, how her injury was the result of the First Order, therefore by extension, him. She doesn’t seem to blame him, but he blames himself, bitterly. If he’d understood sooner the truth of what and who Rey is to him, she probably wouldn’t have been hurt.

 

No … now is not the time for these thoughts and he soothes his hand along the damaged patch of skin in apology, pushing the rest of it away.

 

She flinches and gasps sharply when his fingertips touch the scar tissue again and he pulls back to look into her eyes.

 

“Did I hurt you?”

 

“No,” she mumbles and he can feel her closing off from him.

 

“Rey, sweetheart, what is it?”

 

“It’s just … it’s ugly.” Her face grimaces in disgust and he's surprised at the intensity of her expression.

 

“No … no, it’s healing so well and I’m sure it will continue to fade. _Nothing_ about you could ever be ugly.” He keeps stroking the pinked line, trying to infuse his action with devotion.

 

She scoffs and he frowns but then she asks in a timid voice, “You don’t … mind?”

 

“Never! Everything about your body is perfect,” he reassures.

 

Now she won’t look in his eyes and he's becoming genuinely concerned. “Rey, beautiful Rey,” he croons, trying to coax her back.

 

Her lips purse and now she’s truly drawing into herself.

 

“Please, tell me what’s upsetting you? Are you regretting-”

 

Swiftly her eyes find his and she exclaims, “No! No … it’s not that. I really liked it, giving you that … it made me feel … close to you.” Her face takes on that almost bashful look he’s fast finding always makes his heart flood with devotion.

 

The way she can be in turns so bold and brash then reticent and shy fills him with affection. He pulls his hand from her side and strokes her hair back from her face then simply cards his fingers through her tresses.

 

“It made me feel close to you, too. If it’s not that, please tell me what’s bothering you … Tell me …” he murmurs. In the past, she’s exhibited some baffling insecurity about her appearance, and he begins to wonder if it might go deeper than he’d thought.

 

Rey starts to pull her arm across her chest and his brow furrows. “Please don’t hide yourself from me, please,” he entreats.

 

Slowly, she again reveals her lovely breasts and succulent nipples. “Tell me …” he requests again, his voice soft and pleading.

 

Stealing her gaze away, she says so quietly he can barely hear her, “Plutt.”

 

He stiffens and his lips form a snarl. “What did he do,” Ben growls.

 

“It wasn’t anything he did, not really. It was all the things he _said_ while I was growing up. And after,” she admits with a wounded, small voice.

 

Nodding for her to continue, his fingers keep threading through her hair, hoping she finds this as calming as he does when she does it.

 

“He … he said I’m scrawny, that I look like a boy.” The humiliation is coming off her in waves. Her voice drops as she stutters out, “Th-that … I have n-nothing to hold onto … That no one but him would ever want to touch ‘those sand-hornet stings that pass for tits.’” By the times she's finished her voice had become a whisper.

 

The bald cruelty of Plutt’s words knife through him and Ben has to consciously force himself to keep stroking her hair soothingly. He must keep his fury in check. One of his rages won’t help Rey, not with this.

 

Somehow he knows there's more. “What else, what else did he tell you?” he asks evenly as he moves his hand from her hair, drawing his knuckles along her cheek. Ben tries to catch her eyes, but she keeps them averted.

 

“That … that ...“ Tears are beginning to form when she finally does meet his gaze. Her fathomless hazel eyes are full of so much pain that it scrapes along his heart. Plutt is very, very lucky that he’s already dead.

 

She takes in a shuddering breath and her voice breaks when she chokes out, “He said … he said that if I was p-prettier my parents wouldn’t have thrown me away like the trash I am.”

 

Her words slam into him as if he’d been punched, hard. He bypasses rage and goes straight to heartbreak.

 

“No … that’s not true, please tell me you know that’s not true,” he pleads. The thought of Rey ever believing such things _breaks_ something inside him.

 

Shrugging, her eyes slide away from his.

 

“Oh Rey …”

 

His body is still half-draped over hers, one leg tangled between her parted thighs, holding his weight on his side. With his free hand, he’s been trying to calm and soothe her, but now he cups her face and gently makes her look at him. At first her eyes flit everywhere but his until they finally settle.

 

“Listen to me. Are you listening to me?” he asks in a soft, firm tone. She nods ever so slightly.

 

“I’ve told you how beautiful you are, but I need you to believe me. You _must_ believe me.”

 

Her eyes are full of doubt and he sighs, deciding to take a different approach. He knows words alone won't undo this kind of damage; Rey is a woman of action.

 

Adjusting his large frame, he moves over her, managing to put most of his weight on his elbows on either side of her head and his knees between her legs. It’s a very intimate position and his not so softened cock lays across her thigh. He ignores the urge to grind against her, knowing he must make her understand that she is the embodiment of beauty in his eyes.

 

“Everything Plutt told you was a _lie_.” He kisses either cheek softly. “You are a gorgeous woman Rey. You truly are. Sometimes I think I’ll fall into your eyes, never to return. They’re so lively and I adore the way their color changes. Sometimes they’re brown, other times they’re green, or some lovely shade in between.” He caresses each eyelid.

 

Her expression is still full of so much shame ... He holds her face with both hands and kisses her deeply, stroking her cheeks. Then he pulls back and looks into her eyes intensely. “You’re perfect Rey, so perfect.”

 

Cautious hope swims in her eyes and he shifts down her body slightly, kissing along her shoulder, embroidering his words along her flesh. “Your skin is like Cyrene silk, so soft, so perfect.”

 

He continues to caress her wonderful skin, traveling his way along her arm. “You’re anything but scrawny, you’re lithe, strong, so perfect.”

 

Making his way back to her torso, he trails his fingers along her clavicle, brushing against his gift for her, then drawing his hand along the outline of her breast. “And your breasts, dear gods, your breasts. I could happily spend an entire afternoon … day … week … _forever_ worshiping these glorious breasts. They’re perfect, so perfect.” With that he bends forward and draws her nipple into his mouth and feels her arch her back. The flesh tightens in his mouth and she sighs out in pleasure. Good, she's beginning to relax.

 

When he releases her now red and engorged peak, he grins as he rumbles, “And _so_ responsive to my attentions.”

 

Ben moves his focus back to her face. Most of the tension has left her, and her lips are quirked in the smallest of smiles, but he’s not nearly done. He kisses and nibbles between her breasts then along her belly, humming with satisfaction as her pulse quickens and he knows she’s coming back to him. Moving his mouth over to her scar, he kisses every inch but says nothing about it, not wanting to rekindle her insecurity.

 

His lips trail down until he reaches her hip and he slides to his knees, giving him access to where he really wants to be. Now kneeling on the floor between her legs, he has an utterly enchanting view of Rey, laid out for him like the most indulgent feast. Where he had been caressing her tenderly, reverently, he begins to lick and suck his way towards his ultimate destination.

 

Her thighs are already parted to accommodate him and oh, Maker, he can _smell_ her. It’s a rich, deeply feminine scent that calls to an animal part of him. His mouth has begun to water and he licks down a stripe from her hip to her inner thigh, causing her to gasp.

 

The sound of her quickened breathing makes him look up. Her eyes are wide and a touch nervous. Holding her gaze he says, “Let me show you how much I love your body, let me show you how perfect you are.”

 

Her face has grown flushed and now her breaths are harsh.

 

“I want to touch you, I want to _taste_ you. May I taste you, Rey?” he asks as he glides his fingertips along her inner thigh with a feather-light touch. Her thighs part further but there’s tension in her face and he wonders if he’s asking for too much. He doesn’t want to press her, but the need to feel her on his tongue has nearly taken over his reason.

 

Continuing to draw his fingers along the obscenely soft skin—so close to where he actually wants to be—he keeps her eyes locked with his, waiting for her answer.

 

Slowly, he watches as heat replaces trepidation in her gaze and as his fingers come so close to grazing her entrance, she shudders and her hips roll, as if seeking his hand.

 

“Touch me, like before. Please, please touch me like before.”

 

She’d only said he could touch and he hides his disappointment. He’d so wanted to know if she tastes half as good as she smells, but he’ll still get to feel her again, watch her beautiful face contort with pleasure as she comes undone beneath his fingers.

 

And this time he gets to really see, nothing hiding her from his hungry gaze. He moves his eyes to the lovely mystery in front of him and gently, slowly parts her folds.

 

For a moment he just stares at the absolutely glorious sight inches from his face. He’s well and truly hard now, and oh gods, he needs to delve his tongue into the glistening pink perfection revealed to him. But he keeps himself in check as he moans out, “Rey, you’re gorgeous.”

 

She giggles, “My face is up here.”

 

He looks up from the exquisite site of her parted and open for him and keeps his eyes steadily on hers when he says, “I meant what I said. Everything about you is perfect. So perfect.”

 

“Oh,” she breathes out and now all he senses from her is her need. Again her hips buck, encouraging him to just get on with it.

 

“Ben, stop teasing,” she whines.

 

While a part of him wants to keep exploring, he's eager to feel her again. So he enters her slowly with his hand, and groans as he watches his finger disappear into her tight heat.

 

She’s so _slick_ and this time he’s able to focus more, feel each ridge. She's told him to stop teasing her so he wastes no time quickening his pace. Soon, she's ready for a second digit and he glances up.

 

Her head is propped up on the arm of the settee and her eyes are closed tightly, brows knitted together. She's already begun to pant. Rey is always at her most beautiful when she’s like this, chasing her bliss.

 

Using his other hand, he rubs her needy clit between the pads of two fingers, watching for the moment the sensations _he’s_ giving her intensify. He’s deeply satisfied when she groans and her fingers dig into the cushions.

 

“Ben!” she calls out and her hips are meeting his thrusts.

 

He wonders … “Look at me.” He needs to _see_ her when he does this.

 

Blearily, her eyes open, and he holds their hazel depths as he adds a third finger to her passage, stretching her … now he knows she’ll be able to take him. Quickly curling his fingers, he drags them across that special spot inside her.

 

Rey’s eyes widen and she moans, “Oh, Force that's so good.”

 

Watching Rey get lost to what he's making her feel has his cock straining towards her, as if it's seeking her heat.

 

She's so wet and his face is so close … her musky scent is only growing more potent and he can't stop himself from begging, “Rey, gods, Rey, I have to taste you, please, please let me taste you.”

 

Now she's grinding herself down on his hand while he continues to roll her hard bud between his other fingers. She's inches from his hungry mouth.

 

_Please, please, please._

 

There's no hesitation when she nods quickly, “Yes, stars, yes!”

 

His tongue has taken the place of his fingers on her clit before she's finished speaking.

 

Oh. Oh _yes_! She tastes like nothing he's ever experienced and he's instantly addicted to her luscious flavor. So good, so _good_.

 

He wants _more_ , so he pulls his hand from her tight passage and swiftly replaces it with his tongue, thrusting into her as her juices flood his mouth. Remembering that she needs more than just being filled, he again slides her clit between his soaked fingers.

 

He's never heard sounds like she's making. She's almost sobbing and he hopes the walls are thick.

 

She throws her legs over his shoulders and her hands fist into his hair. Still on his knees, his hips instinctively move in time with how she's thrusting up against his face, his tongue pulsing in and out of her.

 

“Ben, Ben, Ben,” she chants.

 

He wants to feel the center of her pleasure between his lips again, so he licks up her labia and latches on. It feels wonderful, this hard little bundle of nerves in his mouth, and he _sucks_.

 

She's writhing wildly and she pants out, “I need your fingers. I need to be filled. Oh gods, I want you inside me!”

 

It would be frighteningly easy to slide up her inviting body and bury himself so deeply inside her that he never leaves. But he can't do that, not yet. So he swiftly returns his fingers to her welcoming wetness.

 

The flutters he loves so well have begun, and soon they give way to her walls tightening around his hand. His cock is weeping copiously now, so inflamed by Rey’s pleasure. He laps at her firmly and, Maker, she's getting _loud_.

 

Her hands tighten in his hair and it almost hurts, but he loves it, loves how the tension has grown so taught. He's learning to tell when she's close and he thinks she's almost there.

 

Oh, gods, he's so turned on it _aches_ and he doesn't think when his free hand wraps around his cock. Relief, he must find relief. He strokes himself furiously as he pounds his fingers into her. His fingers are covered in her wetness and a guttural moan escapes when he realizes it’s _her_ slickness that is easing his hand along his erection.

 

She's begun to keen, and her walls clench down on his fingers as her thighs slam closed around his ears. She pulls his head so close against her heat, leaving him feeling completely enveloped by Rey.

 

There, that's it. The rhythmic contractions begin and she's making a high, desperate sound while he moans against her delicious center. He continues to move his hand up and down his length and their twin pleasure is driving him mad.

 

He's taken by surprise when the surge of wetness filling his mouth triggers his own climax and they're groaning together as bliss takes them both over the edge.

 

His release arcs from him, painting the floor, and he thinks Rey might have pulled out some of his hair. He slows his fingers and tongue as she rides out her orgasm and her thighs relax around his head.

 

With the last twitch of her pleasure, he pulls from her, sitting back on his heels. He looks up at her and finds her blinking slowly and her lips parted. Fine little curls cling to her forehead and she’s _glowing_.

 

She opens her arms to him, her eyes pleading.

 

With wobbly legs, he moves up her body, nestling himself in the cradle of her hips. The tight curls of her sex tickle against him as her arms enfold him. She wraps her legs around him as well and oh … their skin _sings_ together, hot from their passion and he almost feels like they’re one being. He feels … cherished, wanted, _complete_. He hopes she feels it, too.

 

For several long moments they just hold each other's eyes and feel the aftermath of sharing such intense pleasure and closeness. She's so beautiful in her thoroughly debauched state and she leans forward, capturing his lips in an achingly sweet kiss.  

 

He wonders if he should have wiped his mouth, but he likes the idea of her tasting herself on his tongue. The kiss is long, slow, and thorough.

 

When they break apart he catches her gaze again. “You're perfect, Rey. Do you understand? So perfect.”

 

She smiles and he swears he can see part of her heal right in front of him when she nods.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you readers! You are all lovely, thoughtful, and just really darned cool. It's an absolute honor to do this with you. I'm hopeful to get another chapter posted on Friday but can't promise. Monday for certain however. That seems to be how this is shaking out. Always a chapter on Monday, and then one or two more depending on RL.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare, who cracks me up daily with her snark. Thanks for holding my hand through this!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who, as those who follow me on tumblr know, surprised me with an impromptu foot scrub last night. He pumiced them until they were all soft and happy because, "I haven't tended to you in a while." I am, without a doubt, a spoiled little princess.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parting is such sweet sorrow ... Darth Darcy and Space Eyre must say goodbye.

He didn't know he could feel so _close_ to someone. It's as if they're extensions of each other. He's beginning to understand more about how the bond operates on them. There's this almost tangible feeling connecting their hearts and it's humming with pleasure. It vibrates along his whole body and he would give anything to be able to just let it skitter through him for an eternity.

 

They've shifted, and he's on his back with Rey half draped across him, her cheek pressed against his chest. Her little huffs of breath tickle along him and make his heart flip. He has her head cradled in one arm and the fingers of their free hands are dancing together.

 

The way her skin feels, it must be the bond … right? _Something_ passes between them when their skin touches. He’s not sure how he’s going to leave her. Reluctantly, he reaches out with the Force and his datapad flies into his hand. He checks the time and the realization that he only has just over an hour left with her makes him feel like his chest is cracking open.

 

He shudders out a ragged sigh and lets the datapad fall to the floor as he kisses her temple.

 

“How much more time?” she asks.

 

“I … another hour, then we’ll need to get to our ships.”

 

She goes stiff in his arms and her voice quavers when she confirms, “An hour?”

 

“I’m sorry … I wish …”

 

“It’s alright … I just … I hoped we’d have more time. I didn’t want to know, that’s why I didn’t ask before. I wanted to pretend we had all the time in the galaxy.”

 

“We will, soon, this will all be over and we’ll have forever.” It’s such a close fantasy, well known and well-trod.

 

She shifts to look in his eyes. “It’s getting harder to wait.”

 

“I know … I know, _gods_ I know.”

 

“Now that … now that you see what the First Order is, I could come with you, hel-”

 

He stops her with a searing kiss. He can’t let that thought in because he knows he can’t keep her safe from Hux, but he wants to take her back with him so badly that he has to stop her words. He’s not strong enough to hear her willingness to come with him and then turn her away.

 

Her mouth, Maker, her _mouth_. It would be _so easy_ to push away the reality of their situation and spend what little time they have left hiding in this amazing connection, but there are things that must be discussed so he slows his kisses and pulls away from her.

 

Her eyes are open and pleading and he has to look away for a moment. “Sweetheart … it has to be this way right now. Hux … I can’t protect you from him.” It guts him to admit that.

 

“I hate him,” she spits.

 

“You are not alone in that sentiment.”

 

She settles back against his chest. “I talked with Leia, like you suggested.”

 

Grateful that she’s changed the subject, and surprised that the mention of his mother doesn’t hurt like he’s used to, he strokes her hair. “What did she say?”

 

“She … she _cried_. I ... I didn’t know what to do with that. She told me that Jakku was a perfect example of why she fights so hard. Why she wants things to change. She said she thought slow and steady was the best course of action … but that she’s beginning to wonder about that.”

 

Ben blinks quickly. He hadn’t thought his mother would see that. He thought he’d have to fight her tooth and nail about what would come next after he succeeds in fracturing the First Order from within.

 

Rey continues, “She told me I shouldn’t be angry at you for killing Plutt, that if someone had treated her like that, that Han-” She breathes in quickly. “I … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have …”

 

Hearing his father’s name had made his brain come to a stuttering halt, not prepared for it. But he finds he wants to know what his mother thinks. “It’s … it’s alright, please go on.”

 

She strokes her fingers along his chest for a moment then says, “She told me about being kept as a slave, like me … what Hutt did. She told me how angry Han was that your mother had already killed Hutt. That he wanted to be the one to do it. He was glad that Hutt was dead, and proud of your mother for saving herself, but he … he felt he’d failed somehow.

 

“She said that Han would have done the same thing, what you did to Plutt, that when someone hurts the person you love most, that for Solo men, all they know is action.”

 

Swiftly, he’s pulled into the memory of how his father had walked boldly out on that bridge and he feels it deep inside that his mother is _right_. Action is all he and his father know. It hurts to hear himself called Solo. He lost that right the minute he killed his father.

 

But at the same time ... it warms him to know that his mother … _approved_ of his actions, that his father would have, too. He doesn’t know what to do with that, that she sees some of his father in him. He’d tried _so hard_ to snuff it out, and he again feels such shame that it took loving Rey for him to understand his father’s confounding behavior.

 

“Are you alright?” Rey asks cautiously.

 

“I … I don’t know. It’s difficult to think about … him.”

 

“You’re going to have to, to find a way to …”

 

He takes in a deep breath. “To find a way to live with it.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I know,” he says quietly. “But … not today.”

 

“Okay, Ben.” She’s continued to smooth her fingers along his flesh and it keeps him from spiraling into the past. “She also said she’d known that adjusting was difficult for me, but she hadn’t seen just how … brutal my life was … now she’s sets aside an hour each afternoon where she encourages me to ask questions. We’ve only had time to meet twice, but it was … nice.”

 

He smiles and lets the confusion and pain of his father fade and allows gratitude for his mother to fill him. His mother’s tendency to be kind to everyone, to give so much of herself, it had once made him feel just like one of many, but now he sees how it’s all come full circle. She’s caring for his beloved and that’s all that really matters to him.

 

“We talked about you, about how you were as a little boy. She showed me holos.”

 

Ben covers his face with his hand and groans. “Please tell me she didn’t show you the one of me in the bath with my hair slicked down.”

 

“Oh yes, she did! Your ears were so cute! They just suck straight out!”

 

“Why do you think I wear my hair long?” he asks with asperity.

 

“Oh, Ben … I like them.” She pushes his hair back and strokes her fingers along the shell of his ear. The sensation is almost erotic and he’s again taken by the desire to just get lost in her, but he can’t … there’s no time.

 

“They’re ridiculous,” he argues.

 

“No … they fit you. Everything about you … fits.” She moves her hand from his ear to his face and then lightly glides her fingertips across his face … then along his scar. “Even this … it fits you. Though I _am_ sorry.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“You’re not?”

 

“You gave it to me. I … can’t regret it. Even when I knew I should have hated you for besting me … I never could.”

 

Continuing to stroke along his cheek she asks, “Does it hurt?”

 

“No … it’s sensitive, but it doesn’t hurt.”

 

“Oh,” she says, snatching her hand back.

 

“Rey, it feels nice when you touch it … any time you touch me, it feels good.”

 

Hesitantly, she goes back to stroking the thin line. “You could get rid of it.”

 

“No,” he growls.

 

“It does make you look even more handsome, somehow.”

 

He raises an eyebrow. “Even _more_ handsome?”

 

She blushes and rolls her eyes. “You know how attractive I think you are.”

 

“Do I?” he asks playfully.

 

“You’d better!”

 

He decides not to push her, though a large part of him would like very much to hear what she thinks when she looks on him. He knows he’s strong, that his body shows that strength, but he has too many years of being teased for his awkward, gangly frame and overly-large features.

 

She turns in his arms and moves up his body. The feeling of her naked flesh dragging along his own sparks along him and then she’s placing soft, healing kisses along his scar, until she caresses along his brow and up his forehead. “I am sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t know … I didn’t know what’s between us.”

 

He lifts his head and captures her mouth, kissing her gently for a moment. Then he breathes against her lips. “It’s alright. Everything that’s happened has brought us _here_. I wouldn’t take the chance of any of it going differently if I changed just one thing. Nothing is worth losing this love that’s between us.”

 

“I do, I love you.”

 

“I know, sweetheart, I know.” His heart has swelled so that it feels like it can’t possibly fit in his chest. “Now … there are things we must talk about.”

 

He begins to sit up and is surprised when her hand pushes him back down. “No!”

 

“Rey?”

 

“I … I’m sorry. I’m just … I’m not ready. I don’t know how to let you go …”

 

Her words scrape along the inside of him. He knows, oh how he knows. He breathes in quickly and says, “But we must. Please know it’s the last thing I want.”

 

“I know … I know … I’m sorry,” she says in a small voice as she begins to pull back from him.

 

It’s his turn to be irrational as he draws her back, shifting her until she’s completely over his naked body. He ignores how his cock stirs against her and takes her face in both his hands. “I love you, Rey. No matter what happens, this precious time with you has been the most beautiful thing to happen to me.”

 

“Don’t … don’t say it like that. Like something awful is coming.”

 

“I … I didn’t mean to, I just … I just need you to understand how deeply I love you, how desperately I want you, how in such a short time you have become everything to me.”

 

“And you’re everything to me.”

 

“Truly?”

 

“Yes, Ben, truly.”

 

He’s not sure who moves first, but soon they’re wrapped around each other and their tongues are moving together. She shifts until she’s straddling him and he can _feel_ her folds along his rapidly stiffening length. Oh gods, she’s grown so hot and slick and it would be so _easy_ to slip inside her. But there’s no time for this, they _can’t_ do this. Much as his entire soul is screaming at him to just make her his, completely his.

 

“I need you,” she breathes out harshly.

 

“And I need you, but I … I can’t be with you like that and just put you on a ship. I can’t Rey.” When he finally joins with her physically, the way they’re already merged so completely, he knows he could never let her go after that. Once she’s truly his, he won’t be able let her leave his side ever again.

 

“I know, I know.” She leans her forehead against his and she slowly pulls her heat away from him. He groans brokenly at the loss of contact. He watches as she stiltedly pulls from him and now she won’t look at him as she starts to reach for her clothing.

 

“Rey …” he prods with concern.

 

“I’m fine. Really, I just can’t look at you and pull away. If I look at you ...  I’m going to throw myself at you again and I know we’re running out of time.”

 

He doesn’t like this awkward feeling and he stops her hands with his. He draws her back and moves their bodies until she’s seated next to him. “Just one more moment. Let me feel you like this for one more moment.”

 

She settles against him and he feels her nod. He murmurs against her temple, “This is only the beginning. We’ll have years together. We’ll explore everything. I’ll lick and kiss every inch of you and join with you so completely that you’ll forget where you end and I begin.”

 

“Promise?” Her tone is so young and questioning.

 

He knows he can’t really, that they’re in the middle of a war, but he needs to believe in a life with her. He hopes it isn’t a lie when he vows, “I promise.”

 

She takes in a long, heavy breath then says, “Well then. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we’ll be together.”

 

He knows she’s right, but as each piece of their clothing is replaced, he can’t shake the dread at the back of his neck.

 

\---

 

“If you need me, just press this here. It will send a signal to the device’s twin. Once I’m alone, I’ll be able to respond. If I need you, it will alert you similarly and you will be able to talk to me once you’re unobserved,” he says, showing her the device.

 

She holds the little piece of technology listlessly, but nods her understanding.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Yes, I see. I’m sorry … I didn’t know this would be so hard. To have you and have to say goodbye …”

 

“This isn’t goodbye, sweetheart, we’ll still have our bond.”

 

“I know … but … this has been … different. It feels almost the same as through our connection, but there’s something about knowing you’re really here …”

 

“I feel it too.”

 

She smiles slightly. “You say that a lot.”

 

“I suppose I do. I don’t … I don’t really have the words for the feelings you inspire in me.”

 

“I don’t either. But I hope you know.”

 

“I do, beloved, I do.”

 

“Good.”

 

He pulls her to her feet and turns, looking down on her. “There’s one other thing.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Hux has discovered that FN- ah, Finn’s tracker has been removed. There will be spies everywhere now. Tell my mother and tell her she must be careful. Tell her to trust me, to give me this time and to not do anything too … rash.”

 

Rey makes a funny little face. “Your mother is never rash.”

 

“Hmm, well remind her about the trash compactor if she gets any ideas.”

 

“What?” Rey asks in confusion.

 

“I’ll tell you about it someday. Though I do rather like the idea of you asking her thoughts on the matter.”

 

“Uhm, okay,” she says slowly with a furrowed brow.

 

His datapad pings softly. It’s time.

 

“Now, let me get you to your ship.”

 

“Oh … you don’t need to do that.”

 

“Rey, I remember your memory of your parents leaving you. I know it wasn’t true, that they never left Jakku, but … I don’t want you to see me walk away. I will be standing at the starport, watching you fly away. Because even like this, I won’t ever be the one to leave you.”

 

He’s alarmed when her eyes fill with tears, but then she’s wrapped around him and holding him so tightly.

 

“Rey?” he asks with real worry.

 

She shakes her head against his chest but then she mumbles into his tunic, “I never thought … I never thought anyone could understand but … but you do … and I just …  I love you, Ben, I love you.”

 

He nuzzles the crown of her head, taking in the scent that is all Rey, and murmurs, “I will always love you, I will never abandon you. So long as I draw breath, you are mine and I am yours.”

 

The feeling of her firm nod against him is more than enough.

 

\---

 

They’d walked to the starport, hand in hand and he feels her slipping away with each passing moment. He tries to remind himself that as soon as he’s back on the _Finalizer_ he could contact her, that perhaps the Force might bless them with a visit in only a few hours, but none of that can keep the bleakness away.

 

This time with her has shown him so much. He’d already known what he was fighting for, to keep her safe, but now he allows himself to believe in this dizzy dream. Someday, with Rey. No war, no distance. Just Rey in his arms for the rest of his life.

 

He wants it now like he’s never wanted anything. He can’t stop thinking about how she’d asked him to run away with her and as soon as they reach her ship he wants to follow her, tell her to take them to wild space and never look back.

 

But he can’t. That’s no life for her, always running. Rey deserves a home. She deserves every luxury he can provide, a family of her own. Not being hunted until, invariably, Hux found them. So he stays strong and leads her to the ramp of her little freighter.

 

She stops, just before ascending and turns. Then she’s pulling his face to hers and she kisses him with a depth and tenderness he’s never felt. It’s as if she’s found a way to infuse him with all of her love and it glides along every last one of his nerve endings.

 

It’s beyond pleasure, the way she makes time stop and everything right. There’s no more pain, no more conflict. Only Rey and her sweet, perfect mouth. Gasping, she rips from him and runs up the ramp, leaving his arms empty and his heart screaming for its mate.

 

At the entryway of her ship she stops and holds his eyes, tears coursing down her cheeks. He shudders as the last glimpse of her disappears when the durasteel closes her off from his sight.

 

He stands, steadfast and true, watching her ship shoot off into the atmosphere.

 

Barely able to see through his tears, he makes his way to his TIE.

 

_Rey_...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You are such a kind and helpful alpha reader, thank you for holding my hand. As always, all typos are mine, A is reading for flow etc.
> 
> Thank you wonderful readers! I am so honored that you continue to give your time to this story. Thank you all for being simply wonderful.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who spent another weekend making sure I ate. He was feeding treats to the cat when he said to her, "Here, let me put them closer to you so that you'll eat them. It's what I have to do with my wife, too." Which is, sadly true. If he sets the plate too far away while I'm writing I don't notice it. Thank you darling.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy pines hard and gets all insecure, wondering if it's too early to call his bae. Meanwhile, Hux Huxes and Darth Darcy finally starts to pay attention. What's up with the stormtroopers? Our insecure darlings manage to talk something through like reasonable people.

_Before_

 

Dust. It's all turned to dust, like the red soil of Crait.

 

Kylo kneels down on the floor of the old Rebellion base and picks up Han Solo’s dice. They sear through his glove and he has to push down the cascade of memories before they pull him under. But a few come for him anyway.

 

The first time he'd flown the _Falcon_ , sitting on Han Solo’s knee … Family trips before it had all fallen apart. The red glow of his saber … no, NO! Han Solo means _nothing_ to him. The girl means _nothing_ to him.

 

_Should_ mean nothing to him ...

 

He’s reaching for his familiar anger, cloaking himself in the dark side when he _feels_ it.

 

Elation and heartbreak twine through him in equal measure as he senses _her_ presence. The relief that their connection didn't come from Snoke is nearly overpowering. He hadn't wanted to believe that this amazing bond had come from something so grotesque.

 

He shouldn't think of it like that. It's not _amazing_. It's full of lies. Just like _her_.

 

Of course he's on his knees, bowing before her. How fitting. No one has ever laid him so _low_. He looks up, and just as he'd suspected, he finds her looking down on him.

 

At first she's almost open in her bearing and she's ushering someone past her. Their eyes lock and he can barely breathe. How can she pull so much from him? Years of nothing but rage and pain, but whenever he’s near her he feels _everything_.

 

He should hate her. She’d rejected him, after all her pretty words, her pleading eyes, she'd just left him unconscious. Left him _behind_. She's no better than any of them and he'd been so foolish to let himself yearn. Hope.

 

So why is he staying on his knees, longing with his entire being for one soft word from her? Some sign that what they'd built together is still there? Some indication that she does care, even half as much as he does …

 

For one glorious moment he sees conflict on her face and his heart soars. But then, her eyes harden. She shuts herself off from his sight with a closed door and he flinches as he _understands_.

 

He would rather she'd sliced him open again, that hadn't hurt nearly as much as the realization that he's lost her.

 

Looking back down on the dice in his hand he's not surprised as they fade into nothing.

 

Nothing. That's all he has. All he is.

 

Nothing.

 

_Now_

 

He clenches the controls of his borrowed TIE and takes in several shuddering breaths. Force, he wants to comm her right now and beg her to come back, let him follow her to the Resistance. He could work with his mother, sow dissent from the outside …

 

Be with Rey.

 

But he knows he can't. Hux is too dangerous and the Resistance is barely holding on. The only way he can give Rey the life she deserves is to go _back_. He helped build it and he must turn the tide because she deserves to live in a galaxy where there are no more Plutts living off the sweat and blood of children.

 

It’s never been so clear to him before, what truly matters. He’d been so lost when they’d first crossed paths, but she’s made everything make sense. He hangs his head, his hair falling forward and he blinks back the tears that have been flowing since her ship’s door had closed him away from her.

 

Watching her face disappear behind the durasteel like that … it brings that moment on Crait uncomfortably close. He knows it’s not even remotely the same, that so much has changed. But the reminder of her rejection pulls at him.

 

Shaking himself, he brings the TIE online and prepares for takeoff.

 

\---

 

The flight back to the _Finalizer_ stretches out, the hour turning interminable. The ship feels cramped and small. So different from the cozy room he'd shared with Rey.

 

Beating back the fear that she’ll reject him again, that it’s inevitable, he reminds himself of how she’d looked at him, wanted to please him, how hard it was for her to leave him. He can’t quite believe that he’d truly had her in his arms, right there, real, solid … his.

 

He wants to bask in the memories of their time together, but it just hurts right now. Knowing how beautiful something as simple as sharing a meal could be, the way she’d felt under his hands … he feels like a fool for every single choice he’d made leading up to her injury. Choices that now keep him from her.

 

The fate of the galaxy feels utterly insignificant in the face of his need for Rey. How could he have been so blind and stupid? If he’d saved the remnants of the Resistance … tried then and there to work with them …

 

But it’s done now. These are the cards he’s been dealt and he’ll play them to the best of his ability. He huffs out a grim laugh. His father would have liked that.

 

\---

 

Shortly after midday, Ben strides onto the bridge. Just as he’d hoped, he’d slipped in with the most recent patrol, using his override codes to inflate the number of TIEs to return by one. Another mind trick in the hangar and he was safely back aboard the _Finalizer_.

 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux greets him neutrally, not bothering to look up from the blinking lights of the console he's inspecting.

 

“Hux,” Ben responds, waiting for the castigation over his tardiness.

 

“What _pressing_ Order business kept you from us this morning?”

 

Ben’s eyes narrow. Hux is growing bolder in his disrespect. “Sparring.” He makes a mental note to find TL-8176 and fix his memory to corroborate his little lie.

 

“Yes, one must stay in fighting trim.” Hux finally turns to Ben, his lip curled in scorn.

 

He’s tempted to show Hux just how … effective he can be in a fight but only says, “Hmm, indeed.”

 

\---

 

After a cursory inspection of the bridge, Ben is in his chambers and has pulled up every report Hux has filed since Ben’s ascension. It’s daunting, but he’s adept at finding patterns, and now that he knows to be looking for … _something_ … he’s hopeful he’ll catch the thread soon.

 

His comm linked to Rey’s similar device positively burns a hole in his pocket. They hadn’t specified if they would use it to simply … say hello and he’s nervous to reach out to her. After feeling so enmeshed with her, he finds he’s seized with an odd insecurity.

 

Rey had been so open, so joyful in her desire to be with him, but now that they’re apart he finds he’s filled with doubt. Would she react the same way to anyone offering her attention? After a lifetime bereft of affection, is she simply … grateful?

 

He doesn’t deserve the love he sees in her eyes, he knows he’s made himself a monster. What if she changes her mind? It suddenly feels so juvenile, this need for her reassurance, that she’d meant everything she’d said.

 

If he commed her, would she think it was an emergency and then be angry with him that he’d just wanted to hear her voice? He hopes the Force will bring her to him so he doesn’t have to reach out to her. Maybe she’ll contact him?

 

This is getting him nowhere. He has things he must do. Taking a deep breath, he begins digging through Hux’s mountains of reports, hoping to find out what that ginger bastard is up to.

 

\---

 

Hours later—his neck stiff and eyes sore from so much reading—he’s not quite sure what to make of what he’s found. Hux has clearly been shifting personnel, using his authority granted by Snoke to move certain people into key placements.

 

It’s not surprising that most of the largest ships are now commanded by Hux’s selections. Now that he’s looking, he can see quite clearly that Hux has slowly been setting this in motion since the day after Snoke’s death. He just had to dig to find the pattern.

 

He’s not at all shocked, in fact it’s what he expected. What’s … odd, though, is the serious increase in disciplinary action amongst the stormtroopers.

 

Reconditioning orders have trebled across the fleet and he wonders if Hux has actually noticed. With Phasma gone, he’s not sure Hux would have paid attention so long as the soldiers went where they were told.

 

Hux has always had a certain contempt for the stormtroopers. Perhaps it’s because he thinks them so far beneath him. He was genuinely shocked when FN-2187 defected, and Ben wonders … what if he was only the _first_?

 

He has no desire to alert Hux to the situation if it hasn’t already come to his attention, but he needs more information. It would be best to go to the source.

 

Ben comms the bridge, “Have TL-8176 meet me in my personal training room immediately.”

 

“Yes, sir,” the nameless officer replies.

 

\---

 

“Weapons or hand-to-hand,” TL asks.

 

“In a moment … I would … speak with you.”

 

“Sir?” TL’s voice is cautious.

 

“The stormtroopers … has there been any … unrest?”

 

TL stiffens then seems to consciously relax. “No sir, no unrest.”

 

“Hmmm. Disciplinary actions have increased significantly,” Ben prods.

 

“I … uh wouldn’t know anything about that, sir.”

 

“You haven’t noticed anything at all?”

 

“No, nothing out of the ordinary, sir,” TL says, his voice beginning to show strain.

 

“TL … we’ve known each other a long time. I … respect you. I am not attempting to trap you. I just want to know if something is … brewing with the stormtroopers.” Ben almost hopes there is. This could be quite useful. If he could sway their fighting force it would provide him the support he needs to topple Hux.

 

“Why?” TL asks carefully.

 

“Because changes are coming for the First Order … sides will have to be chosen. And I wonder where the stormtroopers’ loyalties lie ...” Ben decides to be blunt, he’s going to ensure TL has no incriminating memory of this conversation either way. “With me, or with General Hux?”

 

“Changes, sir?” Ben notices that the stormtrooper avoided the question of loyalty entirely.

 

“I’m tired of war, tired of conquest. And the First Order’s resources are limited. A storm is coming and I wish to know if the troopers will follow me towards the unknown or Hux and his particular brand of fanaticism.”

 

Ben stares down on the stormtrooper for a long moment. Finally, TL’s shoulders fall slightly. “I am not in a position to say, sir.”

 

Ben considers simply invading his mind, but decides against it. He’ll leave it for now, see if he can bring TL closer to trusting him.

 

“Well, thank you for indulging me, TL.” Ben flexes his fingers. “You will have no memory of anything I said about General Hux.”

 

“I will have no memory of anything you said about General Hux,” the stormtrooper intones.

 

Once the haze of the mind trick fades, Ben says, “Hand-to-hand to start. Then we’ll move to blades.”

 

“Yes, sir,” TL says, his usually friendly demeanor returned.

 

\---

 

He’d trained hard with TL and his muscles are tingling pleasantly. He'd _reminded_ the stormtrooper that they'd also sparred that morning.

 

It's late and he really should go to bed, but instead he holds his comm in his hand and stares at it longingly, willing it to chirp.

 

After far too much time has passed, he snorts at himself with derision and sets it down. It hasn't even been a full day since he’d had to let her go and he's just sitting in his quarters _pining_.

 

Angry with himself, he pulls his datapad to him. He knows he won't find rest, so he decides to keep digging into Hux’s recent activities.

 

\---

 

Much past midnight he's beginning to get the picture. The promotions have all come from prominent, _wealthy_ families. He's even found ties to the Lyrelli Banking Consortium. So that's Hux’s angle. Undermine the Supreme Leader and solve the funding issue in one neat stroke. The Lyrelli will likely release the First Order’s assets if Hux can build enough influence amongst key members.

 

A number of significant appointments were only just put through this morning, while Ben was with Rey. With a satisfied smile, Ben denies the orders. He won’t simply be approving Hux’s requests in the future.

 

Sighing, he accepts he should at least attempt some rest. At least he'd found some respite from the ache of Rey’s absence, research has always calmed him.

 

As he changes into his sleeping pants he can't help but remember being naked and tangled with his beloved. If only she were with him right now. She'd be beautifully bare and waiting for him in _their_ bed ...

 

Gods, he _misses_ her, and he desperately wants to reach out, just for a moment. Just to hear her voice.

 

Getting into his cold, lonely bed, he closes his eyes and remembers how she feels in his arms, how her hands glide through his hair. Stars, he loves how it feels when she touches him. He’ll never get enough of her hands on him.

 

What is she doing right now? He has no idea where she physically is, he hadn’t wanted to press for that information, but now he aches for every scrap of Rey. Is it night? Is she sleeping? Or is she meeting with his mother? Perhaps she’s sharing a meal with the _pilot .._.

 

Growling, he flips over on his stomach and reaches for the comm on his bedside table. Sliding his fingers over the device, he nearly activates it. Then snarls as he lets it go, turning over on his side, away from temptation.

 

Clenching his eyes shut, he attempts to sleep.

 

It doesn’t work.

 

\---

 

Surly and frustrated, he makes his way to the bridge the next morning. Having the means to communicate with her and not doing so has him spinning in circles, indecision driving him nearly mad.

 

Amidst the chaos in his mind, he has come to one conclusion. He should probably tell Rey about the First Order’s financial difficulties. He’d initially planned to walk a thin line between the Resistance and the First Order, but now he’s feeling like anything he can do to hasten his way to Rey is worth it. Telling her about the Lyrelli would be a good reason to contact her, wouldn’t it?

 

While he’s dithering about finally activating her device, he can at least confirm that the Resistance—and Rey—remain undiscovered.

 

“Hux!” he calls out to the general’s back.

 

“Yes, sir,” he responds evenly, rounding to face Ben, tugging at his uniform. Not that it needs to be straightened. Hux never has a hair out of place and he only appears ruffled after Ben Force chokes him.

 

“Any update on locating the Resistance?”

 

Hux’s expression goes completely blank and the hairs on the back of Ben’s neck stand on end.

 

“We’ve had a few leads. There’s some indication that they’re on Sheytaya.” Hux’s tone is measured.

 

No, no, no! He’d told Rey to make sure they were _careful_! “What indications,” Ben asks slowly.

 

“Just some chatter that an abandoned resort has seen activity. But Sheytaya has always been firmly neutral.”

 

It’s one of the most popular destinations for leisure activity owing to their peculiar weather patterns and spectacular scenery. Many influential people protect Sheytaya. The planet is primarily covered with oceans and many small islands, and is thus given to privacy. It’s a very wealthy enclave, playing host to the galaxy.

 

What had his mother been thinking? Sheytaya protects their status fiercely and would want any incursion, Resistance or First Order handled swiftly. And she’d always said he got his arrogance from his father …

 

“Jentesh VI is well in hand, shall we investigate?” Hux asks with an eager gleam in his eyes.

 

Every primal instinct he possesses screams out in protest, but Ben forces himself to be strategic about this. He can warn Rey in time and still be seen to be assisting in the … hunt. If he denies Hux’s suggestion he might go behind his back again.

 

“Yes, plot a course to Sheytaya. Let’s look into it.”

 

Hux smiles tightly. “Excellent.”

 

“I’ll be in my chambers.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

As soon as he’s safely behind closed doors he whips out his comm and is about to send the alert that he needs to speak with her when she’s already right in front of him.

 

“Rey!” he gasps and rushes to her, clasping her body to his fiercely.

 

“Ben, wha-”

 

Pulling back, he holds her firmly by the shoulders and his eyes burn into hers. “Listen to me, Hux has found you, we’re on our way to Sheytaya _right now_. Go to my mother, get out! This time please listen to me and leave!”

 

Rey’s brows furrow. “No, Ben-”

 

“Don’t argue, please, go, go now!”

 

“That’s not it-”

 

“Godsdammit Rey, there’s no _time_. We’ll be there in under an hour. You have to evacuate!” He shakes her slightly.

 

“Ben, no-”

 

“Why won’t you ever listen to me!” he bellows.

 

Rey slaps her hand over his mouth and shouts, “We aren’t on Sheytaya!”

 

He shrugs off her hand. “Please, you have to … wait, what?”

 

“We aren’t on Sheytaya,” she repeats.

 

The relief makes him stumble. It had been such a gamble to allow Hux to pursue them. He pulls her back to him and holds her as tightly as he can, burying his face at her neck. He gulps down air, trying to calm his racing heart.

 

“We’re on Corell-”

 

“Stop!” Though he’s too late, he knows now. Corellia. Of course, his father’s old _associates_ would protect them. He’d never understood the peculiar brotherhood that governed much of his father’s life, but now he’s grateful for it. The widow of Han Solo is likely now the safest person in the galaxy.

 

Rey pulls back and looks up into his face. “Why don’t you want to know?”

 

He’s not actually sure, but somehow it just seems reckless for that information to be anywhere near Hux.

 

“Instinct. I just … it felt safer not knowing.”

 

Her face grows troubled. “But … you wouldn’t … you wouldn’t betray us, would you?”

 

“What? No! Sweetheart, no … I can’t explain it. It’s just a feeling.” He ignores how much it hurts that she’d even asked him that.

 

Then her face grows even more remote and she starts to pull away from him completely.

 

“Rey? What is it, love?” All his doubt comes rushing to the surface.

 

She shrugs slightly. “I … I thought I would have heard from you by now.”

 

“We … we never discussed it … I didn’t … I didn’t want to … well, intrude I suppose.” His hands flail.

 

Blinking in confusion, she asks, “Intrude? But that’s why it alerts me first, so I can get somewhere private. Unless … unless you didn’t want to talk to m-”

 

He shuts her up swiftly with a thorough kiss then rests his forehead against hers. “I _always_ want to talk to you. I worried you wouldn’t want to talk to _me_ ,” he admits, feeling foolish. She’s quite good at making him feel like a bumbling adolescent.

 

It’s her turn to press her lips to his and it’s almost as delicious as when they’d been on Cathne. He could spend his life exploring her tender mouth and perfect pink tongue.

 

But then she pulls back and peers up at him. “Why would you think that?”

 

Now that she’s in his arms he finds he’s not quite sure, it suddenly feels preposterous. “It’s not as if you contacted me,” he offers defensively.

 

She looks away. “You’re right … I didn't. I guess I was afraid.”

 

“Afraid?”

 

Rey shudders out a breath. “Afraid that maybe it was just a dream, that maybe you don’t really want me the way I want you,” she whispers.

 

He realizes that’s exactly it. He too had been afraid. Their time together had been so intense, everything he’s needed his entire life, that it was too much to believe in. Cathne had made all of this irrevocably _real_.

 

Ben holds her face in his hands. “Never doubt how much I want you, beloved,” he breathes out reverently.

 

She puts her hands over his and says, “Then you don’t, either.”

 

Nodding, he agrees, “It’s a deal.”

 

A small smile tugs at her lips. “You know what this means don’t you?”

 

“No, tell me.” He draws his fingers along her cheeks, transported by how fine and delicate her skin is.

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “It means we’re both idiots.”

 

He snorts. “To tell.”

 

She steps closer to him, almost flush with his body. “Have you been wanting to contact me since Cathne?”

 

“The minute your ship left the atmosphere.”

 

“Me too,” she says softly. “I had so wanted to say goodnight.”

 

“Oh, I wish you had. I’ve been missing you so much.” He draws her completely to him, wrapping his arms around her smaller frame.

 

“So … every day we talk?” she asks into his chest.

 

“Yes, darling. Every day.” He tips her face up and caresses her gently, sealing the agreement with their lips.

 

They kiss and touch until she fades.

 

\---

 

“Nothing?” Hux asks furiously.

 

“No sir, there’s no sign of recent habitation,” the stormtroopers voice comes through the comm. The stealth team they’d sent down to Sheytaya is coming up empty handed and though it was what he expected, Ben still breathes that much more easily.

 

“No sign of Resistance activity?”

 

“No, General Hux. It appears we’re the first to set foot here for quite some time.”

 

“Keep searching, I want you to tear that place apart,” Hux seethes.

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

Hux whirls away from the communication console and stalks to the viewport. “Rebel scum,” he mutters.

 

Ben slides up next to him. “It’s only a matter of time, General Hux.” He doesn’t specify to what, precisely.

 

Hux cocks his head and glances at Ben. “Indeed. Sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, lovely alpha reader ArtemisBare! She's caught onto my teeny tiny problem of never describing anything ever. 
> 
> Thank you readers! We're beginning the chug up the mountain before the Ben Solo Pain Train comes careening down, nearly going off the rails. You are all so amazing and supportive and I know I repeat myself, but golly I can't help it! Next chapter up on Monday.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who made dinner for me and my mom last night. He even pampers Mama Downing!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy calls his girlfriend for a goodnight chat. It starts out well, but then our boy just has to be an idiot. Then more of his past is revealed to Space Eyre.

Sighing contentedly, he pulls his blankets over himself and snags the communication device from his bedside table. He smiles as he sends the alert then settles back against his pillow to wait.

 

Yes, they’d had a bit of time together earlier in the day, but now he knows that it’s alright to contact her to simply … say goodnight. It’s seductively mundane and his stomach flips with a nervous sort of pleasure. There are things they should talk about, plans that need to be made, but right now he simply wants to find that place with her where there’s no war, no sides … simply _Rey_.

 

He’s only just begun to truly fantasize about her when her voice crackles through the comm, “Hello?”

 

“Hello, Rey,” he nearly purrs. There's something wonderfully intimate about having her voice with him in his bed. He doesn't have to wait for the whims of the Force, whenever he needs her he can have her with him. It may only be her lovely voice but, gods he's thoroughly aroused at the idea that he might really be able to talk to her whenever he likes.

 

“It’s … it’s nice to hear your voice,” she says with a sweet, shy tone.

 

“I could spend hours listening to you.” He's alight with his need for her but what he truly wants is her attention.

                                                             

“Me too … but then we'd never get anything done.” He can hear the yearning in her voice and the last vestiges of his doubt melt away.

 

“What were you doing when I sent the alert? Did I interrupt you?” What he really wants to know is how much time he has with her.

 

“Oh, I was working on saber forms. Your mother made sure I have space to train. It's almost time for dinner here, but I have food in my room so there’s no rush. Though … isn't it late for you?”

 

“Memorized my schedule, have you?” he asks playfully.

 

“So?” she sputters defensively. He can almost hear her blush.

 

“Shhh, I would have done the same if I allowed myself to really think about where you are.”

 

“Why won't you?” she asks, sounding perplexed.

 

“Because I'm not sure I could keep myself from coming to you if I spent too much time thinking of it.” He opts not to mention how close he came to breaking and taking her against her will.

 

“Oh …” she breathes out.

 

He wishes he could feel her breath against his skin. Just the thought has him shifting uncomfortably.

 

His tone plaintive, he says, “I wish you were here. I know we had a few moments earlier ...”

 

“But it's not the same.”

 

“No. I can't even really explain the difference. Maybe it was knowing that you were genuinely with me on Cathne … you feel the same, smell the same, but ...” Ben trails off.

 

“Not.”

 

“Yes,” he confirms. His arms ache from the memory of holding her close. He didn’t know he could feel such longing for another person. “I miss you all the time.”

 

“I miss you so much …” They both sigh then Rey asks, “Where are you?” The feeling of her voice through the comm makes him shiver.

 

He turns over on his side and his lip quirks up. “My _bed_ ,” he rumbles suggestively.  He wishes fiercely that she was sharing it at this very moment.

 

“Oh … so you're … uhm … ready for sleep?”

 

He knows what she _really_ wants to know. “Rey ... are you asking what I'm wearing?” he teases.

 

“No! I mean … uhm ... I was just wondering.” It’s so easy to imagine the face she’s making, her eyes flitting about, that lovely blush staining her cheeks.

 

“Yes, I'm ready for bed, just in my sleeping pants,” he says lowly.

 

He hears her breathe in quickly and he smiles wickedly, pleased to know the thought of him without his tunic affects her. It’s so reassuring that she seems to like his body. Maker knows, he adores hers.

 

“And you, my love, what are _you_ wearing?” he asks, voice heavy with innuendo.

 

“Oh … uh … just my training clothes.”

 

“Describe them for me. Let me _see_ ,” he croons.

 

She lets out a vaguely scandalized, “Ben!”

 

“Rey …” he coaxes.

 

“Uhm, well okay. Just a pair of loose leggings and an old breast band. It’s nothing … special.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know about that … I could help you change …” He groans at the thought of her midriff exposed, the leggings riding low on her hips. She would feel _so good_ as he slipped her scant clothing from her body ... leaving her once again in only his gift.

 

She gasps and he listens to her quickened breath. “In fact,” he says lowly, “I think I’d like it best if you didn’t get dressed again.”

 

Rey giggles. “I’d have to get dressed eventually, I already get cold going from my room to the training room. They might not like me running around naked.”

 

His blood flares with jealousy as he realizes she’s been out in public wearing so little clothing.

 

“Did anyone _see_ you?” he asks through clenched teeth.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Coming back from training. Did anyone _see_ you cavorting about half-naked?” he growls.

 

“Wait. Seriously?”

 

“Answer the question, Rey,” he orders dangerously.

 

“I don't know! Maybe? I was too focused on getting to my room to talk to _you_ to notice!” Her voice rises further on each word.

 

“Do you make a habit of letting every man in the Resistance see you exposed like that?” Ben hisses.

 

“So what if I do! It's not like I spread my legs for them! They’re just ratty old clothes that I can move in!”

 

“Clothes that allow every man in the Resistance to see you half-dressed!” _See what’s mine._

 

“No one cares! Everyone is way too busy to notice what the weird little Jedi girl wears to practice saber forms!”

 

“Well I care!” he almost yells.

 

Rey goes silent and Ben’s nostrils flare with each harsh breath. How could she do that to him? Let other men see her like that? It should be special, seeing all of that soft skin should only be for him. He doesn’t know how to put it into words, this panic and fear. What if one of these other men caught her eye? Made her think better of being with him?

 

He hears her sniffle lightly and he realizes he’s hurt her. Replaying what he’s said in his mind he sees that he’s let his jealousy get the better of him … again. He’s just so afraid of losing her … he can’t think straight and now he’s accused her of … dammit.

 

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that,” he offers pleadingly, the possessive fury shifting into fear, that constant fear hiding in the back of his mind that she’ll reject him again.

 

“No … you really shouldn’t have,” she says in a wounded tone.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just … when we’re away from each other I … I think of all the men you must be around and I … panic.”

 

“What have I _ever_ done to make you question me? Do you think for one moment I could ever look at another man after Cathne? Hell, after _Starkiller_?!” she hisses.

 

“You're right, I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what happens to me. I just know you spend all your time with other people and I hate it. I want you all to myself,” he admits miserably.

 

She sighs heavily. “Ben … I spend most of my free time alone or with your _mother_.”

 

“What about Finn or Dameron?” He cringes as soon as the words escape him. Even he can hear the naked insecurity in his voice.

 

Scoffing at his words, she says, “Poe is teaching Finn to fly every spare moment they have. There's so much to be done for the Resistance ... I only get to see them at dinner, and that's only sometimes.”

 

“Oh,” he says dumbly.

 

“Yeah. Oh.” The scorn in her tone makes him flinch.

 

“I'm sorry! I just … I … I've never felt like this, it's overwhelming and I'm terrified of losing you!” he exclaims.

 

“What? I don’t understand. Have I done … have I done something to make you think that?” she asks, her own insecurity bleeding through.

 

“No, not a thing …” And she really hasn’t. She’s never once indicated she wanted anyone but him. Even when she tried to turn her back on their connection it seemed to hurt her just as much as it hurt him.

 

“Then why, why do you think you’re going to lose me?”

 

“Because everyone I've ever cared about has either rejected me, been taken from me, or tried to kill me!” he bursts out, sitting up quickly.

 

There's a long pause before Rey carefully asks, “Taken from you?”

 

He's seized with fear. He hadn't meant to bring them up. He tries to never think of them.

 

“Ben?” she nudges gently.

 

“I didn’t mean to say that,” he says flatly.

 

“Please … I can tell this hurts you. Don’t hide from me. Don’t ever hide from me.”

 

Hide from Rey? No … he never wants to do that … And suddenly the wall crumbles and he whispers, “The others from the temple. The ones who came with me. Fought with me. _Defended_ me.” He’s sitting up fully now and he hugs his knees.

 

“Defended you?”

 

“After … Skywalker ... it was _chaos_. Some believed me, that he’d attacked me in my sleep, but the others, they turned on me … then someone ignited their saber … All I know is that it wasn’t me.”

 

The memory of their angry faces, how they'd raged and spat at him makes him shudder involuntarily. Chan’s twisted, hate-filled expression. He had thought they were friends, but she was the first to swing her lightsaber at him. The sickening feeling of his beloved blue saber cleaving her in two had been his worst memory until his father …

 

It hadn’t been intentional, he’d whirled quickly, defending himself from Rell when Set pushed Chan hard. She’d stumbled right into the path of his arcing blade. Her startling eyes had drained of life in an instant, and Ben’s life as a Jedi had well and truly ended in that moment.

 

He shakes his head and scoffs derisively. “I should have expected it really. Everything changed after it was revealed that Vader was my grandfather.”

 

“But … how could the others have not known? I mean … even on _Jakku_ I knew about your family,” Rey says in confusion.

 

“Ask my mother,” he says bitterly. That day had been hellish, the way the news flew through the temple, how some of the other apprentices drew away from him in fear and revulsion. Not all of them though.

 

Ben clears his throat. “Six of them believed me, believed i _n_ me, we banded together … we fought our way out and they came with me.”

 

Stars, they’d been so young. Everything had happened so fast. It was the first time he’d ever killed anyone and he’d barely been able to fly them out of there, his hands had been shaking so badly. Rell’s clear, violet eyes still visit his sleep, the moment the life left them playing over and over again.

 

“But if they came with you …. what happened to them?” Rey asks, fear in her voice.

 

“Snoke killed them,” he says bluntly.

 

“What?” she gasps.

 

“It wasn't all at once. We lost Boyn first. Snoke said we needed to prove ourselves. Made us spar. Killed the loser,” he recounts mechanically. It had been sometime after the first year had passed. They’d been deeply entrenched in the dark side and whipped into a near fanatical frenzy when it happened.

 

He remembers how Boyn had always been just a little slower, a little lazier … he’d told himself that Snoke was only doing what was necessary. That he only wanted the best of the best in the Knights of Ren.

 

“And you … you stayed … anyway?” The horror leaks through her tone and he can't blame her.

 

“I convinced myself he was weak. But by the time Snoke killed Set … I knew. Deep down I _knew_.” Maker … Set. He had been so quick, so brave. Set was the first to pick up his blade to fight by Ben’s side that horrible night at the temple.

 

“Knew what?” Rey prods gently.

 

Ben pulls his knees even tighter to his chest and begins to rock slightly. “That he did it to isolate me. Everything he did to me, he did it to keep me apart from others. There was a brief time when Hux and I were almost friends, if you can believe that. But Snoke put an end to that and now we despise each other.”

 

“I see … at least a little. But why … why did the others stay?”

 

“Where else were they supposed to go? He had us all so twisted up inside, believing it was _noble_. That the rest of us grew stronger with each culling. But we didn't. We just lost more of our humanity.”

 

“Oh, Ben …” her voice soothes though the comm.

 

“Don’t … don’t pity me,” he requests softly.

 

“It’s not pity … I just … I hate knowing you were so alone; I hate what he did to you.”

 

He shrugs then realizes she can’t see him. “I still kept coming back,” Ben murmurs.

 

“I wish … I wish I could hold you right now.”

 

The thought of her comfort makes his throat tight. Oh how he wishes that she could, too. But … “I don't deserve it. I've done horrible things in pursuit of the dark. Things I hope you never learn.”

 

“What if I want to know? What if I need to?” she asks carefully.

 

“Please, Rey. Don't ask me. Please don't ask me.”

 

If she asks, he'd have to tell her. Tell her how he'd been the one to kill the last of his friends. The way Lorell had nodded his acceptance as his blade had come down. How Snoke would mock him by calling him ‘Master of the Knights of Ren’ long after he was alone. So alone.

 

He rubs at his eyes, trying not to see the faces of his countless victims. The times he'd had to kill innocents… She knows he murdered his father, she doesn't need to know the rest. If only he himself could forget.

 

“Ben?”

 

For the first time since she'd first called him Ben he wishes she wouldn't. He has no right to that name. He's Kylo Ren, a boy in a mask.

 

“Ben? Please talk to me. I'm …I'm worried.”

 

He lets out a shaky breath. “There's no need to be. I'm fine.” There's no inflection to his words. The past is digging its claws into him and he wonders if he should just say goodnight. There are things he'd wanted to say … tell Rey about the Lyrelli … but now he's worried about what else she'll pull from him. If she knew the breadth and scope of his crimes she would surely leave him.

 

“You aren't fine. Don't lie to me,” her gentle voice softening her words.

 

That brings him up short. He'd never lie to Rey. Except … he had. Because she's right. He's anything but fine. “I'm afraid,” he admits brokenly.

 

“Tell me what you're afraid of,” she requests gently. Her voice is so soft, so soothing.

 

“I'm afraid … afraid that …”

 

“I'm here, I'm holding your crystal and I'm right next to your heart.”

 

For a moment he thinks he almost feels her, nestled in his chest. Perhaps it would be alright to tell her.

 

“I'm afraid that if you know all I've done, everything I'm capable of … that …”

 

“It's alright. Please tell me. Please trust me.”

 

He's almost glad he can't see her face when he admits, “I'm afraid you won't love me anymore.”

 

“Oh, no Ben. No. That's not possible. We're so far beyond that. I love you. I will always love you.”

 

He chokes out a dry sob and Force, he needs her.

 

And then she's there, wrapping her arms around him and he immediately hides his face at her neck as she tangles herself around him in his bed.

 

“Rey,” he gasps out.

 

She strokes his hair and coos nonsense against the shell of his ear. “Whatever you've done I only need to know one thing, just one thing.”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Will you ever kill an innocent again?”

 

He blinks into her slender neck and he's begun to tremble. The thought of never adding another face to the endless parade that haunts him is so freeing.

 

“No, Rey. Never again.”

 

“Alright then. That's all I need to know.”

 

He falls asleep in Rey's arms, her hands gliding through his hair and whispers of, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” keeping him safe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, ArtemisBare, who puts up with my very last minute tendencies with grace.
> 
> Thank you, lovely readers! I'm so grateful for your time in reading, every kudo, and each comment. You make writing such a special experience. Thank you. Next chapter later this week.
> 
> Thank you, Mr. Downing, who took me to brunch yesterday and proceeded to order all my favorites for us to share.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody's favorite ginger irritant actually misses something. Darth Darcy is faced with the reality of Space Eyre having a phone ... that his mom could ask to borrow.

Looking at a map of the known galaxy, Ben is contemplating likely planets for his ruse to protect Rey and his mother. If he can make Hux believe that the Resistance has been eradicated, then he can focus on building support within the First Order and taking down the ginger menace.

 

It must be a planet where it would be believable that the Resistance had taken up residence, but also nowhere near any civilian life. He’s promised Rey that no more innocents will die and besides, it doesn’t sit well with him regardless. It’s a wholly different point of view and it’s difficult to adjust to this new arithmetic.

 

Right now he’s investigating Hoth. There is the old Rebellion base so it _does_ make some sense. Hoth brings up strange memories, however; all the stories his mother told him swirling in his mind. How it was there that his father first started to realize how he truly felt about his mother; how she fought him every step of the way. He doesn’t really want to destroy it, he finds.

 

Perhaps he should ask Rey to get his mother’s input. He supposes he could just talk with her directly through Rey’s comm, but the idea makes his stomach roil with apprehension. He’s not sure he can handle hearing her voice just yet.

 

“Supreme Leader, sir?” an officer’s voice comes through his comm, interrupting his musings.

 

“Speak,” he orders, relieved to be rescued from his confusing thoughts.

 

“Hux is requesting a formal audience, sir.”

 

That’s odd. Hux has absolutely refused to give him the same deference as Snoke no matter how frequently Ben Force choked him. Eventually, he’d decided it just made him look childish and had stopped demanding it of the frustrating man.

 

“Send him in.”

 

A few minutes later Hux strides into his chambers, his uniform looking particularly well pressed.

 

Hux regards him for a long moment, his pale eyes flashing. “Why, _Supreme Leader_ , did you deny my promotions and personnel changes?”

 

Ah. That. Internally Ben winces. He probably should have continued to just approve everything, make Hux think he’s completely oblivious to what’s coming. But it’s done now. “I have not been as invested as I should be in First Order matters as of late and I simply wished to discuss it first. I’m sure your suggestions are excellent,” Ben flatters.

 

Hux sniffs imperiously. “Well. Fine then.”

 

Ben has to keep himself from smiling at Hux’s deflating sails. “In fact, why don’t we review them now, hmm?”

 

Hux blinks quickly, clearly not having anticipated this. But he recovers himself quickly. “Quite right, sir,” Hux says, producing a datapad. “Now, Lieutenant Jehan is an excellent choice for promotion.”

 

Oh yes, she certainly is. First born daughter of Micah Jehan, second chancellor of the Lyrelli Banking Consortium. Being in her father’s good graces can only help the general. Ben nods for Hux to continue.

 

\---

 

Nearly an hour later, Ben is mildly offended that Hux thought he could act so blatantly right under his nose. Yes, alright, he doesn’t tend to focus on these sorts of matters, but he’d have to be blind and stupid to have missed _this_. As Hux prattles on about his _personnel movements_ , each name is well known to Ben.

 

Lerin Turso, second son of the leader of the Kantru Syndicate, the muscle behind the Lyrelli, conveniently married to Ashla Ten, daughter of L’roo Ten, matriarch of the ruling house of Sheytaya. Turso is up for his first command, conveniently the sister ship of the _Finalizer_.

 

The list goes on and on, every last name some tie to the Lyrelli or to an extremely powerful family or organization. He’d found his mother’s parties tedious and had entertained himself by determining how many degrees separated the guests. It was rarely more than three. He knows their connections well.

 

Doesn’t Hux know that Ben grew up rubbing elbows with the wealthiest, most powerful people in the galaxy? Does he truly think that Ben Solo, son of _Princess Leia Organa_ won’t recognize these names?

 

Then he recalls how Snoke would demean him in front of Hux, how his role within the First Order had always been that of terror and doing what he was told. Hux likely has no real idea who Kylo Ren really was … or who Ben Solo is and what he’s capable of. Ben is no longer anyone’s loyal _dog_.

 

Additionally, Hux has always been a social climber. He wouldn’t know what a privileged childhood really looks like. It’s an interesting hole in Hux’s strategy. At least it will make it far more likely that Ben’s plan will work. Hux won’t suspect a thing ...

 

Rey’s comm chirps and he freezes. It’s still morning on the _Finalizer_ so it’s very early for Rey on Corellia. Is something wrong?

 

Swiftly, he turns off the distracting chirp and seemingly returns his attention to Hux. Now, all he wants to do is rush the man out of his chambers and respond to her, but he’d have no way to explain himself. So he forces himself to listen Hux drone on as his panic only grows.

 

\---

 

Finally! He’s alone and he ensures no one can disturb him. Pulling out Rey’s comm, he’s speaking into it before it’s even had a chance to connect. For the last 15 minutes all he’s been able to think about is the fear that something has happened to her. “Rey! Rey, are you alright!?”

 

“Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

 

Relief floods his system at the sound of her calm voice. He takes in a steadying breath. “It’s alright, I don’t know why I panicked.”

 

“I really am sorry.”

 

“No, never apologize for reaching out to me. You may always contact me, whatever the reason. I always want to hear from you. But … is this just to say hello?” he asks curiously.

 

She sighs deeply. “No … there’s something I need to talk with you about. I hope you won’t be angry with me.”

 

He instantly thinks of all the men in the Resistance but holds his tongue. He knows she wouldn’t do that to him, he _knows_ it. But it doesn’t keep the fear from skittering up his spine.

 

“What … what’s happened?” he asks with trepidation.

 

“I … oh Maker, I hope you aren’t mad …”

 

His anxiety rises but, he keeps his voice calm as he says, “Sweetheart, don’t worry, I won’t be angry, whatever it is. Just tell me.”

 

Hesitantly she stutters out, “I … I ... told your mother. About what Luke did. About what happened after. With your friends.”

 

Everything goes still and he can’t quite process what she’s said. “You … you told her?”

 

His chest hurts as he tries to decide if he _is_ angry with Rey or simply shocked at the idea of his mother knowing how he failed his friends. Somehow, her knowing that he wasn’t able to see what was happening to him until it was far too late to save anyone but Rey makes him feel shamed and small.

 

He should have been stronger; he shouldn’t have let Snoke do that to him. To them.

 

Her voice teeming with remorse, she says, “I’m sorry … I didn’t even really mean to, it was just, you were so upset and after you fell asleep your mother came to check on me because I wasn’t at dinner. She could tell that something was wrong and it all just … it all just came tumbling out.”

 

Ben snorts, remembering his mother’s uncanny ability to make even the most hardened criminal spill his guts. “I understand, Rey. I’m not angry with you.”

 

“Are you angry at all?”

 

He pauses, thinking. “No … I’m not sure what I feel, but it’s not anger.”

 

“So you don’t mind, that I told her?”

 

“No … no I don’t mind. I know you didn’t do it to hurt me. Maybe it’s good that she knows, I’m not sure.”

 

“I think it’s good. I think … I think it helped her make sense out of everything.”

 

“Hmmm,” he hums noncommittally.

 

Warily, she says, “There’s something else …”

 

“What … what is it?”

 

“Uhm … your mother wants to talk to you. Through the comm.”

 

Ben flinches at the thought and his heart starts to beat rapidly. He’s not ready for this. He’ll _never_ be ready for this. Even with her forgiveness, the thought of speaking with her, hearing her voice after all these years … it’s terrifying, utterly terrifying.

 

Will she scold him? Will she ask him her probing questions that he’s _always_ been powerless against? He remembers how, with a single look, she could reduce Han Solo to looking like a naughty schoolboy shuffling his feet.

 

“Ben?” He realizes he’s been silent for quite some time.

 

He clears his throat. “I … know that I will need to speak with her, but I’m not sure that I’m ready.”

 

“Please … she’s … she’s very upset.”

 

That oh so familiar sense of rejection claws at his chest. Of course she is, of course she doesn’t believe him. “I’m sure she didn’t like hearing that her precious Luke Skywalker wasn’t who she thought. Does she want to tell me that I’m wrong? That Luke would never do such a thing?” he sneers.

 

“No … no,” she says gently. “She’s not upset about Luke. Well she is, but that’s not why she wants to talk with you. She’s upset about you. About what it meant for _you_.”

 

His jaw clenches and he looks around wildly, not sure how to handle this piece of information. On some level he knew this is how she would react, that she would believe him. But he has so many years of resentment, Snoke’s voice telling him that his mother would never understand if he went to her about the whispers … it feels impossible that she might … be on his side.

 

“Please … she’s lost so much, let her have this. Let her hear her son’s voice,” Rey pleads.

 

His eyes close tightly against the pain. He’s to blame for much of her loss and it seems almost perverse that he could be a source of comfort to her. But … if what Rey says is true, it would be so cruel to deny this request.

 

Ben lets out a long, slow breath and opens his eyes. “Alright. I’ll speak with her.”

 

“Do you want … do you want to talk to her now.”

 

A nerve jumps in his cheek. He wants to put it off, but he knows it won’t make it any easier. “Yes, fine. I’ll speak with her now. Though … isn’t it very early?”

 

“Neither of us slept. We were up all night talking. She had … she had a lot of questions and then we just sat together. It was … I don’t know if nice is the right way to put it, but I was glad she let me stay with her. She’s done so much for me … Anyway … I left her in her quarters while I contacted you.”

 

He smiles. He can see them, sitting, perhaps drinking tea. Together … it warms his heart to think that his mother and Rey have become close, satisfies some part of him to know that at least in this one thing he has been successful. He has chosen a mate who makes his mother happy.

 

And what of the future? Someday … could they perhaps all be happy together? Could he heal his mother’s heart with a new family? Again he’s pulled down by thoughts of a life with Rey, little ones with his hair and her eyes. He can almost see his mother holding his child on her hip.

 

It’s a dream too beautiful to hold onto for long and he shakes his head, bringing himself back to the present. “Well … then I suppose it’s time. Let’s get this over with,” he says, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

 

“Thank you, Ben.”

 

“Oh, Rey … there’s no need to thank me. She … she deserves this and so much more. Anything she could ask of me … I think I would try to do it.”

 

“Because you feel guilty?”

 

“Because I _am_ guilty.”

 

“I … I don’t know what to say to that.”

 

“It simply is. Now, let’s go talk to my mother.”

 

\---

 

Rey doesn’t say anything as she delivers the comm to his mother. He’s disappointed but also grateful for the time to gather himself.

 

He paces his chambers with a manic energy that’s part anxiety and part excitement.

 

Maker, if this is how he feels at the prospect of talking with her, how will he handle it when he _sees_ her again? Will he break down and throw himself at her feet? Beg her to give him some way to atone, even as he knows that’s impossible?

 

“Uhm, we’re here,” she says into the device. Then her voice sounds far away as he hears, “Hello, Leia. Yes … he’s ready. Do you want me to stay?”

 

Wait, he needs Rey to be there. Even if he can’t talk to her while his mother has the comm, he can’t do this if he doesn’t know he can ask for her back at any moment. He’s about to try and get Rey’s attention when he hears his mother’s voice for the first time in almost ten years.

 

“Yes, Rey. Please stay. You’re family, now.”

 

He starts to breathe quickly. Though her voice is distorted by the distance from the comm, she sounds almost the same as he remembers. Her voice is a little lower than it had been and _oh gods he can’t do this_. Thumb hovering over the comm, he nearly ends the transmission. But, no … he won’t be a coward. He will face his mother like the man he should have been.

 

Then he can hear his mother take a shuddering breath. Force, this is _hard_.

 

“Hello, Son.”

 

Unbidden, his eyes well up to hear her claim him so. “Hello, Mother,” he chokes out.

 

He doesn’t know what to say, and clearly neither does she as the silence stretches, but he can almost feel her, and it’s like they’re getting accustomed to the idea of each other.

 

Finally, she says, “I want … I want to say that I’m sorry.”

 

Blinking furiously, he swallows past the tightness in his throat. “No, Mother … I’m sorry.”

 

“I know you are, I felt it. And you know how I feel in return. But that’s not why I wanted to talk with you.” She sighs. “I never should have sent you to Luke. I should have listened to you when you asked to stay.”

 

Anger flares in his chest and before he can stop himself he snarls, “Asked? I _begged_ , Mother, I begged and cried and begged some more.” The visceral memory of how he’d pleaded with everything his young soul had to just be allowed to _stay_ nearly takes him over, but he pushes it back and focuses on his breathing. He can’t lose his temper. That’s not what he wants, not really.

 

“I know,” his mother says softly. “I was wrong.”

 

He almost wishes she would try and justify herself. This absolute surrender leaves him rudderless. The Leia Organa he knew would never just admit she was wrong like this.

 

Unable to speak, he keeps quiet.

 

“I’ve known for a long time that I made a horrible mistake … but what Rey told me, what Luke did to you. She told me his version and yours and it doesn’t really matter what the truth is. Because I believe that in that moment you thought he was going to kill you and you had every right to defend yourself.”

 

This is all too much and he has to sit down. Unsteadily, he finds his chair and his hands are shaking.

 

“You really believe that?” he asks in a small voice.

 

“Yes, Son, I do.”

 

“I … I didn’t want to … I just didn’t know what else to do … I couldn’t just let him kill me,” he whispers.

 

“You did the only thing you could have done … and what happened after …”

 

“Please … I don’t want to talk about them. Please don’t make me talk about them.” The regret he feels for his lost comrades, his own part in their deaths is more than he can bear on top of everything.

 

“Shhh, shhh, alright my precious boy,” she soothes.

 

Oh gods, those words knife through him and he gasps. A torrent of memories pulls him down. So much warmth and safety. His mother, the only one who ever seemed to understand. How she would tend to his wounds when he’d defend himself at school. Stollen afternoons when she would clear her duties just to spend time with him.

 

Wiping at his eyes he tries to speak but his words won’t come and he just lets out a strangled sob.

 

“It’s alright, I’m here. I’m right here. I’m so sorry I wasn’t for such a long time. I’m sorry for all that you have suffered, everything that Snoke did to you-”

 

“Stop,” he finally pushes out past his tears. “Don’t … don’t apologize, not anymore. I … don’t deserve your forgiveness and I know I don’t deserve your apologies. I paid you back tenfold for any mistakes you made.”

 

“But-”

 

“No. Please. I … can’t bear it. I can’t. It happened. We can’t change it. We can’t fix it. All we can do is look to the future.” His voice breaks, but is strong.

 

“Son-”

 

“I’m serious, Mother,” he says firmly.

 

He’s surprised when he hears her laugh slightly. “You sound just like your father,” she says wistfully.

 

It hurts, but not as much as he would have expected.

 

“And, just like your father, you seem intent on a girl who is far too good for you.”

 

It’s his turn to chuckle. “Yes, she is. Please don’t tell her?” And just like that, he remembers how easy it had always been to talk with his mother.

 

“As she’s right here, I think the twyla is out of the bag.”

 

Ben wipes the last of his tears and says, “I’ve missed you, Mother.”

 

“I’ve missed you, too, Son.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who continues to spoil me with her speedy turnaround. She's really great at pushing me to work on weak areas and I'm so grateful.
> 
> Thank you readers! I hope each and every one of you knows how much you mean to me. I deeply appreciate the time you give this story.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who made an appointment at the local day spa for me to get a massage this Sunday! I have such a crush on my husband.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy continues to hash out plans with his mother. Then he has a surprising visit from Interstellar Horatio (TL). We round it all out with sparring with Space Eyre and I think we all know what that means ...

“It’s a sound plan, but I don’t like the idea of just _hiding_ ,” his mother says with mild asperity through the comm.

 

After they’d both pulled themselves together, they’d begun to plan, both needing the distance that strategy brings. He knows they have hours of talking yet to do, but they’ve made a sort of peace and he’s certain the rest is almost superfluous.

 

“Please … I know you’ve no reason to trust me, but I truly believe if I can just have time I can make real changes within the First Order.”

 

“I do trust you, as foolish as that might be. If this had been before Crait I could never promise you time, it would be out of my hands. But as I’m the only member of leadership left alive …” Her voice is marred by all her loss.

 

“I … I wish I could go back-”

 

“Stop. This serves no purpose. I know you were lost to the dark and had just killed Snoke then. You weren’t in your right mind; not like you are now. I can’t forgive you for it, it’s not my place to give you absolution, but I do know that we won’t get anywhere if we don’t keep our focus firmly on the future.”

 

He breathes in shakily. “You’re right, of course you’re right.”

 

“A point I could never get your father to agree on.”

 

His lips twitch. It’s growing easier to hear about his father. “No … I wouldn’t think so.”

 

There’s a pause, but it’s not uncomfortable, exactly. Then his mother says, “Alright. I’m willing to give you time, but we will need to be in constant communication and the Resistance _will_ be watching.”

 

It stings that she needs to keep tabs on him, but he understands. “That is more than fair.”

 

“Good. We’ll have a few of our people be a bit more conspicuous, lead your spies to a plausible location.”

 

He bristles at the idea of them being _his_ spies, but he knows it’s accurate. “Yes. What I can’t decide on is the system. I had thought Hoth … but ….”

 

His mother breathes in sharply. “No … I know it’s already half destroyed but …”

 

“Now that he’s gone …” He wonders if it’s cowardly not to own his actions.

 

“Yes …”

 

“I’m so-”

 

“No, like I said. The future, we can’t look back. We can’t. _I can’t,_ ” she says with a strangled tone.

 

Gods … will he ever find a way to live with what he’s done? The stark pain in his mother’s voice is almost more than he can bear and he hangs his head in shame. The need to apologize over and over again is profound, but he knows that she’s right. The future is all that can matter now. Besides, apologies change nothing.

 

He hears her let out a long breath and he can feel her mood shift through the Force. “Speaking of the future,” his mother says with mischief.

 

“Yes?” he asks warily.

 

“Rey has fallen asleep, and I want to talk with you about her. She says you love her?” Her tone is light, but he senses her protectiveness weaving through her words.

 

Ben’s expression softens and just thinking about Rey sleeping peacefully brings him much-needed calm. “I do … I Mother, I didn’t know I could love someone like this, that she could be all in the galaxy that matters to me.”

 

“It’s very powerful, love.” The wistfulness in her voice makes his heart twist.

 

He wonders if he’ll ever be able to speak with his mother without constant reminders of all he has done to her. “Yes … it is.”

 

“You can’t toy with her, she can’t be a conquest, not like I’m sure you’re accustomed to.” There’s a bitterness in her voice that confuses him.

 

“I … I don’t understand.”

 

“You’re a very powerful man with Solo genes. I don’t even want to imagine your history.”

 

He’s so shocked he can’t even speak for a moment. His mother thinks … he gets sudden insight into his parents’ marriage that he does _not_ want. Han Solo had always been a rogue but … No, he’s not going to think about that.

 

“Mother, no … I …. I have no history,” he admits, his cheeks burning. While he’s grateful that he comes to Rey entirely hers, he knows it’s … unusual.

 

“Ah, so she’s the first one that’s mattered to you-”

 

“Uh, no. As I said. I have _no_ history.”

 

He can almost see his mother blinking in shock. “Oh. I see … well then …” She clears her throat and continues, “The point still stands. Rey is obviously very much in love with you and, with her past, it would devastate her if you cast her aside.”

 

“That won’t be an issue. I … I can’t imagine living without her. I … I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.” Just the thought of doing that to her fills him with revulsion.

 

“Yes, this bond. That _would_ complicate things if you two moved on from each other. I can only imagine how awk-”

 

“Mother,” he growls, not even wanting to entertain the idea. “Let’s just say you don’t need to worry. Rey and her heart are completely safe with me. I would die before hurting her.”

 

He hears the smile in her voice when she says, “I believe you, Son. Well, now that that’s out of the way, I think I’ve thought of the right planet.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Eshara. It’s a desert planet, mineral mining but sparsely populated so there should be no casualties. There’s an abandoned mine we looked into as a base a while back. I think it would do nicely.”

 

He thinks for a moment. Yes, that would work perfectly. A structure with underground facilities, difficult to scan. Hux would assume the lack of life signs was simply from the depth of their ‘base’. Once the few ‘survivors’ escaped to tell the tale Hux would buy it completely.

 

“Eshara it is.”

 

\---

 

After ironing out the specifics, he’d said goodbye to his mother and then had a few moments with Rey who had woken up. But then she’d yawned and he’d regretfully let her go.

 

He sits in his chambers, trying to find his center after such an important conversation with his mother. Hearing her voice had been … it had been wonderful, if he’s honest with himself. He finds he’s impatient to see her again and he wonders how long it will be before he’s able to legitimately sue for peace.

 

The realization that it will be months before he’s able to truly see her makes a spot just under his sternum ache. Now that they’re finding understanding he’s … eager to rebuild his relationship with her.

 

But he’ll have to content himself with the knowledge that she’s with Rey, as close to being with him as possible. Ben smiles, remembering how his mother had called Rey family. Because she is. She’s his family in a way he can’t really name. His chosen family. The family he wants to create. With Rey.

 

\---

 

Now that they have a genuine plan in place, he’s restless. The day had gone by so slowly and he’s once again in his bed holding Rey’s comm in his hand. He’s not sure if he should contact her, she’d not slept last night and perhaps she’s still catching up. But he decides he won’t question her willingness to say goodnight.

 

He sends the alert and almost immediately her voice fills his room, “Ben …”

 

“Rey …

 

\---

 

Every day he checks with Hux for news of the Resistance and every day, nothing. He knows he’s being impatient, it hasn’t even been a week, but he just needs to know that Rey and his mother are _safe_. Until Hux is satisfied that the Resistance—and Rey and Leia Organa—are no more there’s the very real chance that First Order spies will discover that they’re actually on Corellia.

 

He’s fairly confident that his father’s old … associates will keep them well hidden, but he can’t be sure and he’s desperate to see this done. But all he can do is wait.  

 

Ben is in his chambers, reviewing the operations on Jentesh VI. The first shipments have been delivered to First Order allies and their finances are holding. For now. He’s hoping to utilize Hux’s plan to sway the Lyrelli Banking Consortium to his advantage.

 

It’s taken him many hours of research, but he thinks he has a reasonable list of contacts who have had … less than positive experiences with Hux. Demoted officers, older generals who chafe under the younger man’s leadership. He doesn’t want to move too quickly, but he has quietly transferred a few lesser officers to the _Finalizer_. He needs allies close.

 

Correll Bast is especially promising. He’s very young, but had risen to second in command of the Sector 5, the analysts. He’d been stationed on the _Supremacy_ and had been demoted back to Analyst II after he’d refused to set aside a bit of intelligence surrounding the death of Brendol Hux.

 

Analyst Bast is due to arrive the next day and Ben is keen to meet him and get the measure of the man. He could use a person of intellect at his side.

 

“Sir,” Lieutenant Mitaka’s voice comes through the comm. Ben has actually considered Mitaka, but he’s too skittish.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Well, sir … TL-8176 is requesting to speak with you. I-I realize this is h-highly irregular, but as you do sparr with him regularly I-I-”

 

That is extremely odd. “What does he want?” Ben asks.

 

“H-he w-wants to confirm th-that you’re sp-sparring this evening.”

 

Ben sits back in his chair. They had no plans as such, but his instincts tell him he needs to follow this where it takes him. “Yes, confirm that he should meet me in my private training room at the usual time.”

 

“Y-yes, sir.”

 

\---

 

“Well, TL, this is … strange to say the least.” Ben regards the stormtrooper currently just inside his training room entryway.

 

“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know how else to contact you.”

 

“And why would you need to contact me, what is it you need?”

 

“It’s not what I need, sir, it’s … it’s what I can do for you.”

 

Intrigued, Ben cocks his head. “Go on …”

 

TL looks down for a moment and Ben can just detect a shudder through the modulator of his mask. “First, you should know that … that the mind trick doesn’t work on me.”

 

Ice trickles down Ben’s spine as he remembers all the times he’d let something slip during training, trusting in the mind trick to give him safety. His true feelings about his life, Hux … Snoke. Oh gods, that one time TL found him on the anniversary of the temple … He feels the color drain from his face and he stutters out, “H-how long?”

 

“It never has, sir,” the stormtrooper says regretfully.

 

Ben stands very still, trying to decide if he needs to kill TL. He knows _far_ too much. Then TL interrupts his thoughts.

 

“Sir, I have never betrayed your confidence. Not once.”

 

Ben realizes that must be true. If Snoke had ever heard of his moments of disobedience, he would have surely been punished. But there had never been even a hint that TL ever spoke a word of his moments of weakness.

 

“Why?” Ben asks flatly.

 

“Because, well sir … you needed a friend.”

 

Ben snorts. Before Rey he would have Force choked the stormtrooper for such impudence. But now … now he knows TL is right. He had, and TL _has_ been an odd sort of friend. One he never trusted, one he knows nothing about, but he’s shown him loyalty that Ben can barely comprehend. And he’s never seen his face.

 

“Would you take off your mask, TL? If we’re going to really talk, I’d like to do it face to face.”

 

They stand, facing each other and TL slowly removes his helmet. His hair is black and cropped short and his skin is a light brown with olive undertones. He has large, dark eyes and looks to be in his early 20s. It’s a pleasing, friendly face.

 

“Well, TL … what is it that you can do for me?”

 

His eyes grow furtive and he takes a deep breath. “You were onto something with the stormtroopers. Ever since FN-2187 defected things have been changing. Conversations I’d never thought I’d hear have been everywhere. We … we aren’t happy and we want things to change.”

 

“As do I,” Ben says.

 

“If I may be blunt, why is that? I think I have some idea of what you’ve … endured, but why do _you_ want things to change?”

 

“Because it’s time to let old things die. This is just the Empire rebuilt and it didn’t work before, why would it work now? I want to do something truly new.” For a moment he almost tells TL about the Resistance, but he doesn’t dare.

 

“Would there be a place for the stormtroopers in that? Where we have a voice?”

 

“Yes,” Ben says firmly.

 

“Then I think there’s someone you need to meet.”

 

\---

 

Ben works through his saber forms, his mind reeling. TL is going to introduce him to the leader of some underground stormtrooper movement, headquartered right here on the Finalizer. That it’s happening right under Hux’s nose gives him a savage sort of pleasure. This, this could be the key to it _all_.

 

If he could work with the stormtroopers he could take over the entire fleet in one well organized attack. Perhaps they could even get the pilots on their side. His blood is up and excitement trembles through his limbs as he arcs his saber.

 

He’s stripped down to his trousers and he’s about to activate the training droids when he sees her. She’s in her leggings and breast band and oh he wants to touch every inch of her exposed skin.

 

“Oh!” she squeaks as she takes in his bare chest. She smiles wickedly and comes up to him. He extinguishes his saber and places it on his belt.

 

Rey smoothes her hands along his chest and he shudders. Her eyes are full of heat and her fingers glide along one of his nipples. It sends a jolt of pleasure straight to his groin and he buries his fingers in her hair, pulling her to him.

 

She gasps as he thrusts his tongue into her mouth, needing to dive into her. Her hot mouth welcomes him and soon her tight little body is writhing against him as they kiss hungrily. Dimly he remembers his jealousy that she goes about dressed in so little clothing, but right now he just wants to feel all that skin pressed against him.

 

He’s confused when she pushes him away, even a little hurt. “Rey ...what-”

 

“You were sparring. I was about to start training. What do you say, Ben, up for a rematch?” she asks playfully.

 

The way her eyes look like she wants to devour him makes his whole body thrum with heat and the idea of crossing sabers with her while in such a state is so erotic his cock is instantly straining against the fabric of his trousers.

 

He doesn’t say anything, just ignites his saber and looks at her intensely.

 

She grins and her own saber comes to life. She begins to circle him like he’s her prey and he can’t have that. Quickly, he arcs his blade towards her and she swiftly parries him. And then it’s _on_.

 

They dance along his training room floor, their blades crashing, teeth bared. He’s going to show her what he’s really made of this time. He’s not bleeding out from a bow-caster wound and he’s going to best her. He’s filled with the need to _own_ her.

 

Ben rounds on her and twists his blade just so until they’re locked together. He uses his superior strength to push her until her back is pressed against his training room wall. Swiftly, he drops his blade and grabs her wrists, forcing her to drop her own weapon. He holds them against the surface behind her.

 

He grinds his hardness against her center and she gasps before darting forward to steal a kiss. He’s about to get lost in her mouth when she surprises him by dropping to the floor and pulling her weapon to her with the Force. The white blade is stunning as she almost gets him.

 

But he whirls quickly, his saber once again in his hand, and then they’re crashing against each other, roaring and panting. Oh gods, he wants her. This is unlike anything he’s experienced. The thrill of battle and the hunger of desire heats his blood to boiling.

 

He almost wants to throw down his weapon again and just claim her in a different way, but his pride is calling for victory.

 

Again, he almost has her when she uses her smaller stature to twist around him. Then she swipes his legs out from under him and they land in a tangle of limbs, both only just managing to extinguish their sabers in time.

 

She’s landed on top of him and he can feel her chest heaving against his own and suddenly he doesn’t care who wins, savagely capturing her lips. She matches his intensity and before he knows what’s happened she’s whipped off her breast band and is rubbing her breasts against him.

 

He hauls her up his body and latches on to her glorious nipple. He loves how it grows in his mouth as he flicks his tongue on the tightening flesh. She’s calling out encouragement and he switches to her other breast.

 

It’s not enough, he needs more. Swiftly he flips her on her back as she whimpers, “Yes, Ben, please.”

 

He has his hand down her leggings and two fingers inside her in an instant. Maker, she’s so damned wet. “Rey, oh, Force, Rey,” he moans.

 

“Just like that, oh gods, just like that!”

 

Then she surprises him when her own hand snakes down the front of his trousers and grasps him. She groans, “Gods, you’re so hard, you feel so good in my hand.”

 

He can only agree as she starts to pump him. For a moment he forgets what he’s doing until she impatiently moves her hips and he remembers. He pulses his fingers in and out of her as he swirls his thumb along her clit.

 

She’s sopping wet and his hand is soaked with her essence. It’s hard to focus on pleasuring her as she pulls him ever closer to the precipice. He loves when she touches him. It makes him feel wanted and accepted and, Force, it feels so damned good.

 

He lets out a strangled sound as she twists her hand just so across his head and oh gods, he can’t last much longer, already so aroused from their sparring. He increases his pace and she’s a sobbing mess under his hand. She’s begging and keening and every sound she makes pushes him ever forward.

 

Please, please, he needs to feel her tightening around his fingers. He focuses on what he’s doing to her, trying to ignore the ecstasy she’s wringing from him. There, there it is. Her walls begin to quake and she grabs his face, forcing him to hold her eyes.

 

Watching her orgasm break across her face is the most glorious thing he’s ever seen. Her eyes go wide and her mouth is in a silent scream. Then she’s breathing harshly as she spasms against his hand. With one final contraction, she yells out, “Ben!” and he slows his thrusts until he stills inside her.

 

She’s breathing hard as she keeps moving her hand along his length and his focus is now entirely on the intense sensations she’s creating in his center. The pleasure tightens in his core and she moans, “I love you.”

 

That’s all it takes, her hazel eyes, full of her devotion and her love on her lips has his release bursting from him, hot thick ropes coming from him. Each surge makes his vision dim and he shudders as she slows her hand.

 

Trying to catch his breath he leans his forehead against hers and then he has to kiss her. Feel that connection. Their tongues tangle and they draw their hands from each other. They’re both a mess and he loves it.

 

She pulls back slightly and holds his eyes, grinning. “I win.”

 

He barks out a laugh and agrees, “Yes, my love, yes you do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who sits on my shoulder while I write saying 'Hey, describe that you numpty." Not really, she'd never say that, she's far too kind.
> 
> Thank you my wonderful readers. I want to take a moment to give an especially heartfelt thanks. As those of you who follow me on tumblr know, I had an extremely unattractive moment of doubt this weekend and the way everyone rallied to support and reassure me was breathtaking. Fandom is a truly beautiful place and I'm the luckiest writer in the world to have you all as readers.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! He took me on an ambush date on Thursday. He picks me up from the train and told me he'd be running late so he'd meet me at this bar. He got there three minutes after I sat down and asked me to have dinner with him. I tend not to like to get out, so this was the perfect way to entice me. He's so sneaky! Thank you, darling.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy makes a new ally. Then has a pleasant interlude with Space Eyre where they commiserate over how desperately they miss each other. And then everything goes to hell. The Ben Solo Pain Train begins to careen down the mountain and someone *cough my muse cough* disabled the breaks.

Correll Bast has been on the _Finalizer_ for a few days when Ben decides it’s time to approach him. This move is not without risk and he’s wary of this next step. The Force will help him gauge this potential ally, but he’s still feeling cautious.

 

Needing to ensure privacy, he’s reviewed the logs and it appears that the analyst always works late. He times his arrival accordingly, and is relieved to find Bast alone in in Sector 5. Now comes the tricky part.

 

“Analyst Bast,” Ben says with authority as he enters the young officer’s work space.

 

“Supreme Leader! Sir! What can I do for you?” the eager man exclaims, jumping up from his chair. He has a long, gangly frame and he looks far younger than his 22 years. His uniform doesn’t fit him quite right, leaving the impression of a child playing dress-up. He certainly appears non-threatening, which plays into Ben’s plans nicely. Hux would never suspect the analyst to have it in him.

 

“Walk with me,” Ben requests. Though they are alone, he doesn’t want to take the chance of someone walking in on their conversation.

 

Analyst Bast cocks his head in confusion, but quickly comes around his desk and follows in Ben’s wake.

 

“You’ve only just joined us, how are you finding the _Finalizer_?” Ben asks, keeping his head straight ahead, a slight sneer on his face as they walk side-by-side.

 

“Oh, great, just great! I’ve been assigned the most fascinating project, decrypting Resistance communication. They’ve recently changed their codes, so it’s especially exciting. I get to really dig-”

 

“Yes, indeed,” Ben says, stemming the tide of words. Analyst Bast is certainly … enthusiastic. “So you find this assignment fulfilling?”

 

“Very much, sir! I’m extremely grateful for the transfer. After the _Supremacy,_ I was worried I’d be stuck analyzing chatter for the rest of my career. This is so much more interesting!”

 

Pleased that Bast has given him an opening, Ben stops walking and Bast skids to a halt. Turning to him, Ben says, “Speaking of the _Supremacy_ , I hear there was a bit of trouble. Something to do with Brendol Hux?”

 

Bast’s almost frenetic energy changes and he looks around furtively. The corridor is empty and Ben knows the patrol schedule. They have around five minutes undisturbed. He reaches out with the Force and skims the young man’s mind. He finds confusion and hope, hope that someone might actually listen. Hope for an _ally_. This fortuitous confluence of purpose forces him to suppress a smile.

 

“Uhm … well, sir, you see … I thought I was onto something, but when I wouldn’t let it go, they demoted me.”

 

“And what did you find?”

 

Bast’s eyes dart away. “I’m not sure I should say … sir,” he says, beginning to look truly afraid. Again Ben peaks into his head with a twitch of his fingers. He senses caution and fear; the need for a sign.

 

“I am aware of General Hux’s roll in his father’s death,” Ben says pointedly.

 

Bast’s eyebrows rise slightly and his eyes gleam with excitement before he makes his face blank.

 

Ben holds his eyes as he says, “I have nothing to gain by entrapping you. What I need right now are people I can trust. Can I trust you, Correll Bast?”

 

Analyst Bast’s eyes grow keen and it’s almost as if Ben can see him doing calculations in his head. “Yes, sir. You can trust me.” He feels the truth of his words in the Force.

 

“Good. Now, tell me what you found,” Ben commands.

 

There’s a slight pause before Bast pitches his voice low. “Evidence that General Hux plotted the death of his father.”

 

A savage anticipation fills Ben. This is just what he needs to discredit Hux; the First Order will surely turn on him if he’s able to prove Hux was responsible for the death of Brendol Hux.

 

“I don’t suppose you kept a copy of this data?” Ben nudges just a bit with the Force.

 

Bast suddenly looks sheepish. “I may have done, sir.”

 

“Excellent. Keep it safe and don’t tell anyone we spoke. Especially not General Hux.”

 

There’s a slight quirk to his lips when Bast says, “No, sir. I wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

“Thank you, Analyst Bast,” Ben says as he strides away, very satisfied indeed with his findings. Hux won’t know what hit him.

 

\---

 

He rolls over in the middle of the night to find Rey in his bed. Oh, he loves when this happens. She’s on her side, facing him and he arranges himself so he’s mirroring her position. She’s completely asleep and he just watches her for a while.

 

The dim starlight from his viewport gives her an ethereal glow, and his gaze roams over her face, taking in her delicate features. Her high cheekbones and fine, slightly upturned nose. Her dark lashes sweeping along her glowing cheeks and his heart aches with loving her.

 

His chest feels too small to hold how much he adores her. She’s perfect. She’s everything he needs and the light in the darkness. Suddenly, he wants to hear her voice, see her eyes. Hold her. So he strokes his fingers along her cheek gently.

 

Rey smiles in her sleep and he leans forward, trailing kisses along her forehead, down her nose, until he reaches her lips. He caresses her softly, continuing to glide his fingers along her face.

 

Against her lips he whispers, “Beloved, wake up.”

 

“Hmmm?” she mumbles as she begins to stir.

 

“I don’t want to miss one more minute with you,” he murmurs into her ear.

 

He feels as her arms come around him and he responds in kind, pulling her sleep-warmed body close and nuzzling into her neck. She always feels so _good_. “Oh, Rey,” he breathes out.

 

“Hello, Ben,” she responds, her voice husky from sleep. The sound goes straight to his core and he feels himself begin to harden, but he ignores it, wanting to just hold her right now.

 

“I’ve missed you,” he rumbles.

 

“We just said goodnight, what a few hours ago?” she says with a yawn, still waking up.

 

“I don’t care. That’s different. I haven’t been able to hold you in _days_.” The last time he’d seen her had been when they’d … sparred.

 

“Hmmm, good point,” she agrees, nestling deeper into his embrace.

 

“It’s killing me being apart from you,” Ben admits.

 

“I know. I just want the First Order to pick up our trail! We can’t be too blatant, but I really thought something would have happened by now.”

 

“Well, I may have a way to speed things along. There’s a new analyst who I think I can point in the right direction.”

 

Rey nods against him. “That’s good,” she says faintly. There’s something about her tone that makes him concerned.

 

“Rey? Is something wrong?”

 

“I … I was just wondering, do you think … do you think you could sneak off the ship again? So we could see each other in person?”

 

It’s a beautiful thought and he’s not sure he’s ever wanted anything more. He starts to contemplate reasons he could legitimately be gone for several days instead of a few fleeting hours. Days he could spend just with Rey … He could take her to Sheytaya, wrap her in the luxury she’s been so long denied. They would get a room overlooking the ocean and he’d keep her naked the entire time.

 

Sighing, he lets the fantasy go, knowing he doesn’t dare be gone right now, even for a short visit. It was too much of a risk to see her the first time. He gathers her up, holding her as close as he can, and caresses her temple.

 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs against her soft skin.

 

He feels her go limp in his arms and it’s her turn to sigh. “I know … I just … I hoped. I miss you. All the time, I miss you.”

 

“You are not alone in that, sweetheart. Soon. It will all be over soon.”

 

They cling to each other in the night and he can’t shake the fear that he’s just lied to her.

 

\---

 

Everything is coming together nicely. He’s been avoiding Hux, concerned the general would detect something on his frustratingly open face. This evening he’s to meet this mysterious associate of TL’s in his training room under the guise he’s requested multiple sparring partners, leaving it to TL’s discretion as to the other stormtrooper.

 

Sitting in his chambers, he’s confused when he feels the _Finalizer_ shift into hyperspace. He hadn’t given any orders to change their position. What is Hux up to now?

 

With trepidation he stalks out of his chambers.

 

\---

 

“General Hux, where, precisely, are we going without my having given any orders?” Ben bellows as he strides onto the bridge. Hux is standing at the center of the cavernous space with his hands folded behind him, looking out on the blue of hyperspace. He turns slowly and his eyes glitter with malevolence. The back of Ben’s neck tingles with apprehension. Tension thrums through the officers.   

 

Continuing to move towards Hux, Ben doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of the ginger rat, lifting his hand threateningly. “ _Where are we going_?” Ben repeats with deadly menace.

 

A slow, creeping smile spreads along Hux’s pale, narrow face. Voice dripping with satisfaction, he says, “Corellia.”

 

Ben’s stomach sinks to his boots and his heart starts to race. He found them! Rey! Mother! He reaches out with the Force and starts to _squeeze_ phantom fingers around Hux’s neck. If Hux knows the Resistance is on Corellia, what else might he have discovered?

 

“No more going behind my back, you duplicitous bastard,” Ben snarls, all his plans unravelling swiftly.

 

He’s going to kill him, that’s all there is to it, let the chips fall where they may. Hux has dared to threaten his beloved, _again,_ and he cannot— _will_ not— allow that to happen. Ben is going to choke the life out of him right here on the bridge in front of everyone. He hadn’t wanted to use fear to control the crew, but he’s out of options.

 

What’s more, he’s going to enjoy this particular kill. It’s long overdue and well deserved. This vicious little weasel of a man has done nothing but belittle and scorn him for years. Tattling to Snoke, knowing it would mean torture for Ben. Masterminding the monstrosity that was Starkiller Base. Ben’s sins are numerous, but Armitage Hux’s body count is _obscene_.

 

The memory of Rey’s broken form fills his mind, how her life’s blood had poured from her at an alarming rate. Her screams as they’d cauterized her wound, her pale face marred by agony. _Hux_ did that to her and Ben is going to _enjoy_ this.

 

He pulls back slightly, letting the deceitful viper get a lungful of air. Oh, he will make this _last_. Smiling cruelly at his prey’s futile gasps for breath, he’s about to squeeze again when Hux grins maniacally and makes a signal with his hand; the Force clangs with danger.

 

Ben has just whipped his head around to look for threats when everything goes black.

 

\---

 

His face blooms with pain as he crashes into consciousness. Another blow comes as his head snaps to the other side. He tries to lift his arms but they’re bound behind him. He can’t quite think through the haze. Stunned, he’d been stunned. Shaking his head, he tries to clear the fog.

 

Wait. Something was wrong. Something was desperately wrong.

 

Rey! Mother!

 

His eyes fly open and he sees Hux sneering down on him. He realizes he’s on his knees, being held up by two officers. Did Hux really think this would work? He scoffs as he releases the binders with the Force and starts to stand when Hux says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You’ve never been terribly observant, but I should think you would notice all the blasters pointed right at you.”

 

Ben looks around and sees at least 40 officers, all with their weapons trained on him and his heart sinks. This is much worse than he’d originally thought; clearly the bridge crew has sided with Hux. There’s no way he could block all of them. He could probably Force push ten of the officers and stop maybe five bolts. He’d go down in a matter of minutes and then there’s nothing he could do to protect Rey and his mother.

 

“Now, be a good little dog and stay on your knees,” Hux taunts.

 

Oh how he loathes this man. “I will _kill_ you for this,” Ben promises.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m sure. You see, Ren, that is where you are _wrong_. We’re almost to Corellia where your precious Jedi whore is hiding.”

 

Ben bites the inside of his cheek to keep from charging Hux. For a moment he thinks he could snap his neck before they killed him. But then what would happen to Rey?

 

Rey! Gods, Rey! He has to warn her! Cursing himself for leaving his comm in his chambers, he frantically reaches out with the Force, hoping that their connection will work. Please, please, please. Let it work. _Bring her to me, bring her to me, bring her to me …_

 

But he can’t focus properly as Hux prattles on. “I wondered how it is that one scrawny slip of a girl could have managed to kill our Supreme Leader and _then_ his guards. Never mind leaving you on the floor.” Hux begins to walk back and forth, tapping his lower lip with his index finger.

 

“It all became _quite_ clear when you were seen on Cathne, rutting in the street with your slut.”

 

Ben’s stomach feels like it’s filled with rocks as dread coils around his chest. His need to see her, to be able to communicate with her had brought this monster to her door.

 

Hux sniffs imperiously. “Of course, one really shouldn’t expect better from a lowly scavenger from _Jakku_. You however, I must say I was surprised, Ren. She must have a tight little cunt indeed.”

 

White hot rage propels Ben to his feet, shoving the officers holding him violently to the floor. He snarls, “Don’t you dare say _one more word_ about her!” He starts to advance on Hux, the darkness swirling, gathering around him.

 

The general lifts a hand and the crew raise their weapons. Ben stills. He has to get out of this alive or else he has no chance, none, of saving them. He howls out in frustration but he steps back from Hux.

 

“Smart choice. Now, I haven’t even told you the best part. While you were holed up in that nasty little tavern, no doubt partaking of that bitch’s _dubious_ delights, you gave me plenty of time for my spies to inform me of your whereabouts and to get a team there. She was tracked. Right back to Corellia and the Resistance. And of course, Leia Organa,” Hux says triumphantly.

 

Ben’s fists clench and unclench. He’s going to rip that disrespectful tongue right out of Hux’s filthy mouth. He begins to wonder if his rage would give him the strength to take all of the officers down with one huge Force push.

 

Never before in his life has he felt such fury and terror combined in a near madness-inducing red haze. Every instinct he possesses is screaming at him to _fight_ , but that will ensure his swift death, leaving Rey and his mother completely vulnerable to the sadistic general.

 

Then the _Finalizer_ shudders out of hyperspace and Ben’s blood turns to ice. He’s running out of time. What is he going to do?

 

Again, he frantically reaches for Rey through the Force, begging and pleading in his mind for their bond to open. But there’s only that connection he feels in his heart and no matter how hard he tries to pull on it, nothing happens.

 

“Ah, we’re here,” Hux says lightly. “Now, you traitorous scum, I’m going to tell you what is going to happen.”

 

Hux circles him until he comes to a stop in front of Ben, holding his gaze. “Before I have you executed for treason, Kylo Ren, you’ll watch as we obliterate your whore and your bitch of a mother.”

 

Hux leans forward, getting very close, and sneers, “I hope you feel that slut suffer through your beloved Force.”

 

Swiftly, Ben rears back and smashes Hux in the face with his head, very satisfied to hear bones crunching. Hux yells out in surprise then staggers back as blood streams down his face. He holds his very broken nose.

 

Hux says nothing for a moment then removes his hand from his injury. Ben glares at him in triumph and watches as his blood spatters the deck.

 

The general tilts his head and his pale eyes blink slowly. “ _That_ is the last time you will _ever_ lay a hand on me, Ren.”

 

“Oh, I’ll lay more than hand on you. If you hurt her or my mother _I will take you apart,_ ” Ben threatens.

 

Hux just laughs. “You’re beaten. Do try to take it like a man instead the mewling child you’ve always been.”

 

The general turns his back on Ben, leaving him standing there, rage making him tremble. Pure hate pours out of him and the dark side is closer than it has been in a long time.

 

“Contact the _Aeron_ , begin charging the autocannons. Have them inform me when they’re ready to fire,” Hux orders.

 

The _Aeron_ … one of the remaining dreadnoughts. Maker, no! They’ll never survive the bombardment. Rey … Mother … His pleas to the Force have been reduced to silent, panicked prayers, and somehow he knows they will go unanswered.

 

“What do you want, Hux?” Ben asks in a defeated tone.

 

Hux spins on his heal and regards Ben. “Want? _Want_? I only _want_ to break your heart and spirit then watch you die. You have no leverage here, Ren.”

 

“Autocannons charged, sir.”

 

Hux slinks around Ben until he’s standing right behind him. He digs his fingers into the meat of Ben’s shoulder, using his thumb to stab at a nerve. It hurts, but Ben doesn’t even flinch. He won’t give this vile worm the satisfaction.

 

He feels Hux’s breath in his ear when he hisses, “Say goodbye to mummy.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my brilliant alpha reader, ArtemisBare! She wrote an absolutely hilarious crack fic based on chapter 29 and I encourage you all to read it. It's called [Engage Thrusters!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13593708)
> 
> Thank you readers! We knew it was coming, Hux always Huxes. Still, I had to peek through my hands when I pressed post on this chapter. I also wanted to say that I'm sorry I've not been able to keep up with responding to all comments. It's honestly upsetting to me as they mean so much to me. Stupid work. If I've not been able to respond to your comment I want you to know that I read and treasure every single one. They make me smile and keep me writing. Thank you so much, everyone! Next chapter on Monday!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who got me a new phone complete with two Reylo iPhone skins so I could choose which one to stick on my case. Mr. Downing waves hello to everyone and says 'Happy Posting Day!'


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux continues to be a mustache-twirling villain. Darth Darcy makes one last desperate attempt to save Space Eyre and his mother. The Ben Solo Pain Train continues to chug hard.

Time. He needs time. Maybe at this distance he can reach his mother through the Force. He doesn’t know why his connection with Rey isn’t allowing him to speak with her, but he and his mother would communicate frequently when he was small. Her kind voice would bloom in his head while he was at school, reminding him that she loved him. That was when he was only a child and his control and access to the Force has significantly increased. _Maybe_ this could work.

 

Time to stall.

 

“Don’t you want to know what happened to Snoke? You know how powerful he was, aren’t you the slightest bit curious about how we did it?” Ben asks, trying to keep the desperation from his voice.

 

Hux lets go of Ben’s shoulder and circles him until they’re again facing, a few paces between them. There’s something very rewarding in seeing Hux’s face streaked with blood and his nose crooked. Ben hopes it heals badly.

 

Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, the general says, “So transparent. Hmmm …  but I suppose a few more minutes won’t matter either way. _Regale_ us with how it is you and your _scavenger slag_ managed to murder our esteemed Supreme Leader.” Hux’s voice is laced with mockery.

 

Splitting his focus, Ben casts out with the Force, concentrating on the surface of Corellia. Swiftly, he’s able to sense his mother’s energy and he narrows in on the compound of the Resistance.

 

_Mother, Mother, please._

 

“Just the day before he died he called you a rabid curr,” Ben remarks, unable to keep from sniping back. It’s difficult to hear Rey spoken of like that.

 

“Tut tut, do behave. I’m certain the Supreme Leader had his reasons. Besides, he called _you_ the disappointment,” Hux responds haughtily.

 

There’s a flicker of her through the Force and Ben grasps onto it with all of his strength.

 

_Mother, oh gods, Mother, hear me!_

 

“He always did set us against each other. Do you remember? Before Snoke made us hate one another?”

 

Ignoring the way Hux’s eyes narrow with loathing, Ben continues to seek his mother. This has to work; it just has to. He thinks of Rey and her beloved form disintegrated by cannon fire. The thought of her dying in fear and pain ignites something in him and he uses all of his power for one final plea.

 

_MOTHER!_

 

Hux steps towards him swiftly, his voice dripping with contempt when he sneers, “I always _despised_ you. Pampered little princeling with your precious Force. No self-control. _Disgraceful_.

 

If Ben weren’t trying so hard to contact his mother, he might have been surprised that Hux had hated him from the beginning, even before Snoke’s interference.

 

_Ben? What’s wrong?_

 

It takes all of his control to keep his face blank and not fall to his knees in gratitude. A chance, his beloved and his mother now have a chance.

 

_Mother, oh thank the Maker. The First Order is about to bombard you with cannon fire. You have to evacuate!_

 

Keeping his eyes on Hux, he notices a nerve jump in the ginger monster’s cheek. “Ren, do get on with it. How did two _children_ manage to murder Supreme Leader Snoke?”

 

“Snoke always underestimated me. That’s how I did it.”

 

“You? You killed him yourself? She didn’t help you?” Hux asks, looking genuinely shocked.

 

_How did Hux find us?_

 

_It doesn’t matter! Just run. I don’t know how much more time I can buy you. Tell Rey that I love her, that I will always love her._

 

“Yes. In the end it was easy. He was so certain he owned me, body and soul, that I used his own hubris against him,” Ben says.

 

_I … I understand. I love you, Son._

 

“Well I hope you don’t imagine that will work here,” Hux boasts.

 

“No, you’re right. I’m beaten.” He forces himself to stoop his shoulders and hang his head in supplication.

 

_I love you too, Mother. Go, go now!_

 

He almost sobs with relief when he feels her withdraw, her intent firm and clear. She’s going to get them out. Just a little more time. He must give them a little more time!

 

Hux cocks his head and narrows his eyes. “Are you really such a coward that you’ll debase yourself for a few more paltry minutes of your wasted life?”

 

“I simply understand when a fight is lost. I lose, you win.”

 

“Yes, I have!” Hux hisses, a mad gleam in his eyes. “What has the great Kylo Ren really accomplished? Betrayed two masters and shacked up with a sand rat slut.”

 

Ben clenches his fists to keep from wrapping his hands around Hux’s throat. Once he knows they’re safe he’s going to make sure Hux goes down with him. He’s going to die, but so is Armitage Hux.

 

“I may have betrayed two masters, but at least I’ll die free and having known what it is to truly love.”

 

“Oh you really are pathetic,” Hux says with disgust. “You think you _love_ her? A dirty little scavenger from Jakku?”

 

“I _know_ I love her, Hux. I promise you, you wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Oh you’re quite right about that, she’s not fit to clean my boots.” Hux’s lips twist in revulsion.

 

“Rey is beyond your comprehension.”

 

Hux snorts then nods slowly. “You did it for her, didn’t you? We’re this close to having the galaxy in our grip and you had to go and think with your cock.”  He scoffs, “Typical.”

 

Ben’s teeth are clenched so hard he’s surprise they aren’t breaking. If he allows himself to be goaded into losing his temper, Hux will give the order to fire so he tightly says, “Yes, I did it for her.”

 

The general laughs a cruel laugh and shakes his head. “And now you’ll both die for your crime. It’s almost romantic.”

 

Ben can’t think of anything to say that isn’t inflammatory so he stares at Hux stonily.

 

Hux begins to walk back and forth as he pontificates. “This really is delicious. I’ve always known you were an idiot, but to throw it all away for something as fleeting as love? It’s just too perfect.”

 

“I will love her forever, in the Force,” Ben says through clenched teeth.

 

“You’ll be dead, Kylo Ren. You won’t love anything,” Hux declares with satisfaction.

 

“Perhaps, but these months with her were worth a lifetime.” He may be attempting to buy them more time, but he knows every word he’s spoken is true. Rey is worth every sacrifice.

 

Inspecting his gloves, Hux says. “Yes, yes, you love her. I don’t particularly care. Go on, finish your tale. How did you kill Snoke, really? I find I do wish to know.”

 

An officer interrupts, her voice panicked. “Sir! We’re detecting ships leaving the Resistance compound!”

 

“What?!” Hux snarls, then looks directly at Ben with murder in his eyes.

 

A mad smile breaks across Ben’s face. Safe. She’s safe. They’re safe. “Simple, really. I made him believe one thing while I did another.”

 

“I will enjoy killing you,” Hux growls then turns to a bank of consoles. “Fire the autocannons!”

 

As the white beams leave the _Aeron_ , Ben lunges for Hux before he can order the crew to fire on the Resistance ships. He almost has his hands around his throat when a blaster bolt rips through his thigh and he staggers to the ground. Quickly, he blocks three more before they reach him.

 

“Stop!” Hux commands. “When he dies it will be with the knowledge that I killed him!”

 

Kneeling on the deck, Ben is about to just snap Hux’s neck with the Force when he’s overwhelmed with fear and pain. He falls forward, catching himself with outstretched hands.

 

_I’m proud of you, Son._

 

For one brief, eternal moment, he hears the song she used to sing to him and he can sense her arms around him, safe and secure. But it shifts swiftly and he _feels_ his mother’s scream, her terror and acceptance.

 

Then silence.

 

Breathe, he can’t breathe. The rip through the Force is ragged and bleeding as he frantically reaches for his mother. No, gods, no!

 

_Mama!_

 

Nothing, just a gaping hole where his mother should be.

 

Rey! What if … but no, he can still feel the tether to her, that energy that always connects them. Rey is still alive.

 

But his mother …

 

The Force pulses in him like a wound. This is so much worse than his father.

 

He lifts his head and looks straight at Hux with pure hatred. Whatever is on his face makes Hux take a step back and lift his weapon.

 

Ben is about to pull the blaster to him with the Force. To hell with all the other weapons pointed at him. He knows he can kill Hux before they take him out. Mother!

 

He tries to rise when all hell breaks loose. Stormtroopers charge the bridge and immediately begin firing on the officers. It’s not long before the air is filled with blaster bolts and scented with the acrid smell of scorched durasteel.

 

Hux has taken cover and Ben can’t see him. He tries to stagger to his feet, but the hole in his thigh is making it difficult. Focus is eluding him, the tear through the Force where his mother was ripped away from him making his chest hollow. Mother ...

 

“Supreme Leader!” a stormtrooper kneels down next to him as six of his comrades create a defensive line. Officers are falling quickly to the better-trained troopers.

 

“TL?” Ben asks as he blinks in confusion. His mother is dead and nothing makes sense any longer.

 

“We have to get you to your shuttle!” TL yells over the din of battle. He looks down and shakes his head. “Oh, hell, you’re wounded. Come on.”

 

TL hauls him to his feet and slings Ben’s arm over his shoulder. “Can you put weight on it?” he asks.

 

Shaking himself, Ben finally finds something approaching focus and draws strength from the pain. He feels blood oozing from his thigh and he looks down. The wound is deep and wide but he grits his teeth and begins to walk.

 

It’s slow going, but TL’s compatriots keep them covered and they make it off the bridge.

 

Wait. _Hux_.

 

“I have to go back,” Ben commands.

 

“That’s not an option, sir.”

 

“TL, General Hux killed my mother,” he snarls.

 

“And we don’t have time. Any minute reinforcements will arrive and if we aren't on our way to the hangar, we’re never getting you off the ship.”

 

Off the ship. Rey! He can get to Rey, make sure she’s safe.

 

“Sir, we need to go. Now. Not all the stormtroopers are on our side and we won’t be able to hold them off. Hux has turned nearly all of the officers against you. We have to move!” TL’s voice rises in an almost panic.

 

Ben looks back to the entryway of the bridge, his jaw tight. Rey is more important he decides quickly. But he will see Hux dead. Soon.

 

Mother …

 

\---

 

More stormtroopers join them as they make their way to the hangar. Now there are around 40 working to get Ben off of the ship. There’s a few skirmishes along the way, but they finally make it.

 

“What is the meaning of this?” the deck officer demands, eying Ben’s wound. It’s bleeding profusely and Ben is beginning to feel light-headed.

 

“I’m taking my shuttle,” Ben snarls.

 

“I can’t let you do that, _Kylo Ren_. General Hux has grounded all craft.” The officer’s face is twisted in contempt and Ben fleetingly wonders if he’s always been hated by the crew.

 

Ben is about to use the Force on him when one of TL’s fellow stormtroopers shoots the officer.

 

“What were you thinking!” TL hisses at the shooter. He looks to the trooper to his right who nods and creates a defensive line. Again blaster bolts start flying as other stormtroopers react to the shooting.

 

Ben is half dragged to his shuttle. It feels like an impossibly long distance to travel. He’s beginning to see spots and he knows he has to get his wound closed fast.

 

Finally, they make it and TL drags him on board. He helps him into the pilot’s chair and puts a med-kit in his hand. Then he programs the hyperdrive.

 

“I’ve set the coordinates to open space. We already disabled the trackers.” TL pulls a device from his utility belt. “This is a long-range communicator. Contact me when you’re safe.”

 

“Why are you doing this?” Ben asks through the haze of pain.

 

“Because you’re our best chance for freedom. Now go!”

 

TL runs down the ramp and Ben stares at the console for a moment before realizing he has to get underway swiftly. He’s tempted to try to get down to Corellia, but since he knows Rey is still alive she must be on one of the ships. The bond will connect them and he’ll know where to find her. He hopes.

 

He powers up the shuttle and maneuvers it out of the hangar as quickly as he dares.

 

It rocks hard when the laser fire bounces off of the shields. Hux must have recovered control of the bridge. But he’s too late to re-capture Ben. The shuttle enters hyperspace and he sits back in his chair, grim satisfaction at thwarting Hux making him sneer.

 

\---

 

Clumsily, he tries to staunch the bleeding, but he’s losing coordination because of blood loss. A wave of grief starts to pull him down. _Mother_ … but he can’t let it in, not now … not yet.

 

He snarls, “Dammit!” as he drops the wound-sealant. He’s pulling it to him with the Force when she’s there.

 

“Ben!” she cries out frantically. “Oh, gods, Ben!”

 

“Rey …”

 

“You’re hurt! What happened?” she asks as she hurriedly kneel next to him, inspecting the damage.

 

“Hux,” Ben slurs. “Mutiny.”

 

“I knew you hadn’t betrayed us!”

 

He tries to cup her face with his hand, but he can’t quite find the strength. “Never,” he whispers, his vision dimming.

 

Rey takes the bandages and wound-sealant from him and works quickly to close the gaping hole in his thigh.

 

She strokes his cheek and he sees that she’s streaked with dirt. “Where are you?” he asks, his voice ragged.

 

“I’m still on Corellia.”

 

“What?” Panic rips through him. He has to get to her!

 

“It’s alright, they’ve stopped firing and I’m well away from the compound. I’m going to meet up with the others shortly.”

 

“Why didn’t you leave with everyone else?” he asks, his voice weak and frantic.

 

“I … I’ll explain later. When you’re feeling better. But I’ll go soon, I promise.”

 

He hates this. He’s beginning to fade and he just needs to know that she’s safe. His eyes flutter closed and he’s having trouble opening them.

 

“Ben? Ben?” He uses the last of his strength to make himself open his eyes. She smiles in relief but then looks behind her and yells, “No! I can’t leave, not yet!”

 

Through slowly blinking eyes, Ben watches as unseen hands try to drag her away. “Let me go, Finn, or I’ll make you!”

 

Then she raises her hand and he can only assume she’s used the Force. “Poe, take him and go. I’ll follow. If you try to take me I will Force push you, too.”

 

Rey shakes her head firmly. “I don’t care if you understand or not, take him and go! I can’t come yet; you have to go!”

 

He loses consciousness for a moment, but when he comes to, she’s on her knees next to him.

 

“Ben, please, you have to live. I can’t lose you,” she sobs.

 

“I’m h-here,” he murmurs.

 

“Oh thank the gods. I need you to tell me how to heal with the Force.”

 

“I n-never could,” he says weakly.

 

Her eyes fill with fear, but she puts her hands over his thigh. “I’ve only read about it, but you’ve lost too much blood and I have to try.” She leans over and kisses him quickly. “I love you.”

 

“L-love you,” he breathes out.

 

Closing her eyes, her brows knit and he tries to watch her, but his eyelids are so heavy. He gives into the need to close them and soon he knows only blackness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to emphasize that I have a firm Happily Ever After policy. I know things look bleak right now, and will be rough for a while, but it will all work out in the end for our couple. 
> 
> Regarding Leia, given that we've lost Carrie Fisher I think it's highly likely that Leia will die in Episode IX. I've tried to make it plausible that 'Unbidden' could be told without ever showing Leia, everything with her happening off screen. But, to stick with what we'll probably see in the film, I had to take this step. I hope everyone will understand.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare for her continued support. She always catches the best things and I'm so grateful.
> 
> Thank you readers! I just adore all of you and I wanted to give everyone a hug after the cliffhanger last week. My muse is still on time-out in the corner thinking about what she did.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who asks me to marry him every day.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy's horrible, terrible, very bad day continues. What happened to Space Eyre? Time to top off my collection of Tears d'Solo. Grand Cru Ren? 18 year aged Tears MacKylo?

His head is throbbing when he wakes to the shrill sound of his shuttle alerting him that he’s come out of hyperspace. Blearily, he slams his hand on the controls, shutting off that infernal racket.

 

Where is he? He’d been injured … wait, he’d had to run, why … oh gods, Mother! The realization that she’s gone slams into him and he gasps. Then he remembers how it had all gone to hell on the _Finalizer_ and he looks down on his thigh to check his wound. His trousers are torn down to the knee but he finds only smooth, pale flesh.

 

_Rey_ … she’d been with him … where is she? Force, Rey! She’d still been on Corellia! Why, _why_ did she stay? She’d clearly healed him, and he’s struck with the horrible thought that she’d stayed behind only to look after _him_. Stars, no … He’s certain Hux would have sent ground troops after the bombardment.

 

He rubs his eyes with the heel of his palms and tries to keep the panic at bay. He can’t help Rey if he falls apart and he certainly can’t dwell on the loss of his mother and remain functional. Later. He’ll let it in later. Tamping down on his emotions, he shakes himself. He knows how to keep going through pain.

 

Corellia, last he knew, she’d been on Corellia, so that’s where he has to go. Checking the time, his blood goes to ice as he sees that well over an _hour_ has passed. If she didn’t get off the planet, she’s surely been captured. But where else can he go to start his search?

 

If only he hadn’t left his comm back in his chambers on the _Finalizer_! Why hadn’t he asked her where she was headed? Then he could at least find the Resistance, allies. His lip curls in disdain as he thinks of the traitor and the pilot. But it doesn’t matter, he didn’t ask her so he doesn’t know. Foolish, foolish Ben Solo.

 

But … there _is_ the bond. Once he’s with her, finally with her, they’re going to work on this and figure out how to control the damned thing! It may not have worked before, but he has to at least _try_.

 

Sitting with his legs crossed on the floor of his shuttle, he begins to meditate, following that golden thread between their hearts. It takes him longer than he’d like to calm his breathing and find that place of emotional distance. He’s never been very good at this, the storm that always rages in him rarely quieting enough for true meditation.

 

He thinks of Rey, of how it feels to hold her, pushing away the panic that beats at the edge like a trapped bird. Finally, the maelstrom ebbs and he’s able to focus himself on the place in his chest where Rey lives. Her hands in his hair, his lips on hers. Those endless hazel eyes that trapped him from the first.

 

Deep in sense memory, something discordant sears across his skin. He doesn’t find the soothing calm of _Rey_. Instead, fear knifes through him as he feels something _wrong_ , deeply and horribly _wrong_. The tether between them is wavering and he desperately flings himself along the connection. He gets a flash of her … pain, she’s in pain! It’s over before it had truly begun and he howls out in frustration and terror.

 

That’s never happened before, she’s always manifested in front of him, but this had just been a moment of knowledge, like a thought or a feeling. Is the bond weakening? Not now, gods, not now … he has to find her. He can’t … he can’t lose her, too.

 

Scrambling to his feet, he lunges towards the pilot’s chair. His hands shake as he swiftly programs in the coordinates to Corellia into the hyperdrive and the frantic helplessness is threatening to engulf him. It’s the only place he knows to go.

 

He’ll find her. He will.

 

Then out of the corner of his eye he senses something and quickly turns his head to find Rey’s broken body lying in the middle of his shuttle.

 

“Rey!” he cries out, horrified by what his eyes are having trouble processing. She’s riddled with bruises and she’s not moving. “Oh, gods, Rey!”

 

He’s by her side in an instant, falling to his knees next to her. She doesn’t respond to him, her eyelids fluttering, but they aren’t opening. She’s been badly beaten, her lip is split and her skin is mottled purple everywhere he can see. He lifts her shirt and finds boot prints along her abdomen.

 

Eyes closing in pain, he keens, “No, please, no … I’m sorry, Rey, I’m so sorry.”

 

He hunches down so his face is close to hers and gently strokes along her cheek, avoiding the bruising. “Please wake up, Rey, please.”

 

Again her lids flutter and she lets out a pained whimper. The sound tears through him and he chokes out a dry sob. “Sweetheart, you have to open your eyes. You have to tell me where you are.”

 

“B-ben?” she asks in a broken whisper.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m here, beloved, I’m here,” he calls out desperately, taking her hand in his. “Rey … Force, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Not you’ fault,” she pushes out through her bleeding lips. Then her form is wracked with a choking cough and the fury wars with the dread within him. Someone will die _slowly_ for this.

 

Holding her hands firmly in his, he murmurs comfort until she’s again breathing regularly, though more shallowly than he’d like. “Rey …”

 

“I’m s’ glad y’ here,” she slurs.

 

“Always, beloved, always,” he promises.

 

He would give anything to take this pain from her. Her expression is twisted from the strain of the beating she’s taken and if he thought he’d felt helpless when she’d been bleeding out in front of him, it’s _nothing_ to this. He’d known where she was and she’d had medical care.

 

The need to scream and rage is intense; he wants to tear the galaxy apart until he has her back by his side. He never should have left her on Cathne. He should have gone with her. But in his arrogance he’d thought he could have it all. He thought he could make peace, _compromise_. Have Rey and finish what Grandfather had started.

 

Grandfather means nothing, not compared to Rey. How could he have been so stupid? How many times will he have to learn this lesson? All that matters is Rey.

 

Again her body is wracked with coughs and her beautiful face is marred with agony. Gods, he needs to help her, fix this, anything. Anything, anything, anything. He’ll give anything to help her. _Everything_.

 

Wait. The Force. He’s never been able to heal with the Force, but if anything could give him that power, it would be his love for Rey.

 

“Rey, I’m going to try to heal you.”

 

He’s shocked when she shakes her head, feebly muttering, “No, no, no.”

 

“But, darling, you’re in so much pain. I can almost feel it through our connection. His heart squeezes in his chest and he untangles his hands from hers and holds them over her battered body, intent on helping her.

 

“Ben, no. Y’ can’t, they’ll … they’ know,” she gasps out and her eyes are finally properly open, wild with fear.

 

“Who, who will know?” Though he’s certain he knows already.

 

“Firs’ Order.”

 

He’d already known, on some level, that this had happened. His _people_ have her. But to see Rey’s broken body, knowing she’s at the mercy of the First Order … it’s … it’s more than he can bear. He _knows_ what they’ll do to her.

 

“Please, let me try. Let me at least heal the deeper wounds …” She’s likely bleeding internally and he can at least take the edge off.

 

Her piercing hazel eyes hold him captured. “Jus’ a little,”

 

“Alright, Rey.”

 

“Promise me!” she commands fiercely lifting her head with what little strength she has left.

 

Oh, his darling warrior girl. He can only nod his acceptance, much as he desperately needs to see her whole he knows she’s right.

 

While he’d struggled before, he finds himself falling easily into meditation, his focus coming swiftly. Rey, he must help his beautiful Rey. His fingers tingle but he keeps his eyes closed and instinctively places his palms on her abdomen, the healing energy flowing without issue.

 

Pain blooms along his whole body as he feels her injuries. Oh … oh his love … she’s so strong. The throbbing ache in her stomach subsides as he weaves her insides back together with the Force. She’s still hurting, nearly everywhere, but the danger has passed.

 

He’s about to pull back when he senses a sharp, pulsing feeling from her ankle and draws his fingers along her leg until he finds the injury. His hands flare with warmth as he senses bones knitting back together.

 

Her face hurts, he must fix her face. He trails his hands along her beloved body when she captures her fingers with hers.

 

“No … no, you have to stop.” Her voice already sounds more like it should, and his eyes open to find her breathing more evenly.

 

“Please, Rey, I can’t leave you like this,” he pleads. He knows what’s coming and he needs to do what he can to give her the strength to withstand it.

 

“You don’t have a choice!” she says sharply then takes a deep breath. “They can’t get suspicious, find out about our bond. I’m on a transport of some sort, I don’t think there’s any sort of surveillance, but once they have me somewhere secure we’ll be observed. If you heal me, they’ll try to find out how. I already have enough secrets to hide,” she says meaningfully.

 

She’s right. The smaller ships don’t bother with it, but once she’s on a Star Destroyer … Then the rest of what she’s said sinks in. He knew they’d torture her, of course he knew, but to face it … His fists clench and he can feel the rage rising. If they touch one more hair on her head ...

 

Her hand slides gently over his arm and he closes his eyes, pulling himself together. He has to be strong for her. The last thing she needs is to have to calm him down.

 

Shoulders sagging, he admits, “You’re right … you’re right.”

 

She smiles then winces as her lip opens again and blood starts to ooze. He doesn’t think, just swipes his thumb along her injury, leaving healed, pink skin in its wake.

 

Her expression sharpens and he sighs. “That’s the last, I promise.”

 

“I suppose it’s alright because now you can kiss me,” she says with a wry grin.

 

Oh … gods yes. He descends on her and captures her lips, kissing her urgently, but making sure to keep his touch gentle. He whimpers against her lips, desperate to somehow rip her through time and space and bring her to his side.

 

Her hand comes up and winds through his hair and for just one blinding, perfect moment, everything is alright because he’s with Rey.

  
Rey, Rey, Rey …

 

But then it’s over and he has to pull back. He tries to ignore the brilliant purple blooming around her eye.

 

“What happened?” he asks softly.

 

Her eyes dart down and she shudders. “I have something I have to tell you.”

 

There are tears forming under her lashes and he realizes what she’s going to say. Mother … “I know. I felt it,” he says with no inflection.

 

The tears break free as she looks back up. “I’m so sorry, Ben.” Her arms come up around his shoulders and she’s trying to pull him to her but he stays firm.

 

“No … I can’t … not until you’re safe.”

 

“I ... “ She lets out a long breath. “Yes, alright. I understand.”

 

“What happened?” he repeats.

 

She holds his eyes for a moment and he sees so much love, compassion, and grief that it nearly undoes him. But then she blinks and says, “She saved me. We were running, trying to get to the transport. Then somehow she just … _knew_ and she used the Force. She pushed me just outside the blast zone.”

 

His mother used the Force? She … she’d never … no, he can’t do this. He allows himself one shuddering breath then nods. “Then what?”

 

“I was knocked out, when I came to I started back towards the starport, but …” She looks away from him and his stomach sinks.

 

“But you saw me,” he says, already understanding that her present condition is his fault.

 

“You were bleeding everywhere, I had to help you.”

 

“You should have left me!” he barks.

 

“Not a chance, Ben Solo,” she spits.

 

His nostrils flare and he’s so angry and helpless and furious and terrified and he thinks he might just start crying. “But, look at you,” he lets out brokenly.

 

“I’ll heal.”

 

“I don’t even know where you are.” His voice finally breaks and he blinks back his powerless tears, not able to look at her.

 

“You’ll find me. I know you’ll find me.” She reaches out and takes his face in her hands and makes him look at her.

 

“Why, why didn’t you run?” he begs.

 

“Do you really need to ask that? Would _you_ have run if I’d been bleeding right in front of you?”

 

“Never!” The very idea makes his jaw clench.

 

“Well, there you go.” She smiles at him and he can’t help but smile back. She’s just so perfect, even in a desperate situation, injured, bruised … she still fills him with her light.

 

“I love you, Rey, stars, I love you so much.” He holds her endless hazel eyes with his.

 

“I know. And that’s why it’s going to be alright.”

 

“How?” he chokes out.

 

“Because this isn’t how our story ends. We have too much to do. The Force won’t let it end like this,” she says with such conviction he has to believe her.

 

He realizes he doesn’t know how long they have together and he asks quickly, “Do you know anything, anything at all about where you are?”

 

“No … but …” Her brows draw together in concentration. “They did say something about General Hux.”

 

His heart seizes in his chest. Of course she’d be taken to Hux. He knew already, if he’s honest with himself.

 

“Rey, listen to me. Hux believes that you killed Snoke.”

 

She cocks her head then nods. “Of course … what else could you have told him?” She smiles sadly, obviously remembering that day on the _Supremacy_.

 

“I’m sorr-”

 

She stops him with her fingers at his lips. “No. We’re beyond that.” Rey takes a steadying breath. “Okay, so Hux is going to want vengeance.”

 

“Yes. But he’ll want me more. You’ll be …”

 

“Bait.”

 

“Yes.” Heavy regret pulls at his gut.

 

“Okay, we can work with this,” she says in that matter-of-fact way she has.

 

Her nonchalance frustrates him. “But, you don’t understand, he’s going to interrogate-”

 

“I can take it.”

 

“Rey, their methods-”

 

“ _I can take it_!” she snarls.

 

Pushing aside everything he knows about First Order interrogation protocols he says, “Stay alive. Give them whatever you have to, just stay alive. I’m coming for you.”

 

She holds his eyes firmly. “I know you are.”

 

“I love you,” he says again.

 

“I love you, Ben,” she affirms.

 

And then she’s gone.

 

\---

 

She’s gone. Rey is gone.

 

He falls forward, catching himself with his hands then lowers his forehead to the deck of his shuttle. Shudders move through him as the horror of what’s happened finally washes over him.

 

His mother is dead and his beloved is going to be tortured and there’s nothing he can do about it. The furious, powerless tears finally come and he starts to bang his fists into the durasteel.

 

A primal howl is ripped from his lungs as he pummels the flooring. He knows _precisely_ what they’re going to do to her. Pump her full of drugs, show her horrors, indescribable pain … no, no, NO!

 

“Rey!” he screams. “Rey!”

 

He has no idea what to do, where to go. If he returned to Corellia in just his shuttle he’d be shot out of space within minutes and then Rey would surely die.

 

“Godsdammit!” he roars, as a wave of the Force comes off of him, rocking the shuttle.

 

He has to calm down. He’s no good to Rey like this. His blows become weaker.

 

What is he going to do? Where can he go? He needs … he needs ...

 

Mother … he’ll never see his mother again. If she were still alive, she would know what to do. But she’s gone and he knows it’s because of him. She never would have been such a tempting target if Hux hadn’t hated him so much.

 

If he’d just gone home … he could have helped the Resistance … been with Rey … but no, now his beloved is at their shallow mercy and his mother is dead.

 

His mother is dead.

 

The tears come faster as he sobs out, “Mama, I’m so sorry.”

 

He stops pounding the deck and just stays there on his hands and knees, his head hanging, panting from exertion. His knuckles are split and bleeding and all he can think is, “Good.”

 

There’s nowhere to turn. He has nothing. His choices have left him floating in the middle of gods know where, his beautiful Rey beaten, bloody, captured.

 

His heart rips in two when he realizes how much he wants his father. He’d have a plan. Han Solo always had a plan. Insane, reckless, but he’d know how to get to Rey.

 

Every single choice he’s made has brought him to this moment. It all becomes blindingly clear that each step led him to this point, where he’s on his knees and utterly powerless. If he’d never joined Snoke, if he hadn’t killed his father, if he’d gone with Rey instead of insisting she join him … If, if, if. And everyone he loves has paid a price for his selfish stupidity.

 

Falling to his side, he curls into a ball and just starts to rock. His gorgeous, resilient girl … what are they doing to her right now?

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he keens.

 

He pulls himself even tighter into himself and just sobs, feeling like a terrified little boy.

 

Alone. So alone.

 

“Hey, kid.”

 

In a flash, he’s on his feet, drawing his arm quickly across his face to clear the tears.

 

Glowing and translucent, a man he never wanted to see again smiles at him placidly.

 

“Luke,” he snarls.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare who puts up with my not so subtle, "Have you read it, huh, have you?"
> 
> Thank you readers! You are all so very supportive and wonderful and everything good in the galaxy. I'm sorry there was only one chapter this last week. I'll do my best to post another chapter Thursday or Friday. No matter what though, I will always post on Mondays (well unless I'm on vacation or get sick). *big goofy Perry hug*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! Today is his birthday and we spent the weekend in the city. We went to dinner and a show then stayed in a lovely hotel. He managed to turn his birthday into a romantic weekend getaway that I suspect was actually for me. Have I mentioned I have a crush on my husband?


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy has a long chat with Space Gandalf then has to go visit a truly terrifying individual. We round it out with a cuddle with Space Eyre because my muse was feeling unusually kind. I don't trust her though.

“Leave,” Ben orders shortly.

 

“Now, Ben-”

 

“Don’t call me that,” he snarls.

 

Luke looks at him with sad blue eyes and says, “Do you still feel like Kylo Ren?”

 

A nerve in Ben’s cheek jumps. Force, he _hates_ this man. His jaw clenches and his lips form a thin line. He won’t answer that question even as he knows Skywalker has him dead to rights. He hasn’t thought of himself as Kylo Ren for a long time now. Maybe from the first moment Rey softly said, “Ben …”

 

Rey … her beaten body flashes in his mind and he can’t keep from wincing. He doesn’t have _time_ for this impromptu reunion with his former master. Skywalker looks older than when he’d seen him on Crait, his hair longer and more unkempt. Of course he’s in the long, beige robes of a _Jedi_.

 

“As I was saying, Ben-”

 

“I thought I told you to leave,” he says, turning his back on the unwanted interloper.

 

“Hmm. Yes, but that’s not really up to you. You can’t slice me open with that monstrosity you call a lightsaber.”

 

Ben turns his head slightly, again looking at his _uncle_. “Making a habit of being nothing but _empty_ projection, are you?”

 

Luke smirks and it makes Ben’s blood _boil_.

 

“As I was saying-”

 

“I can’t do this right now!” Ben yells, the panic welling in him. He has to _do_ something, to find Rey. Maybe he’ll go to Maz, she always knows something. If she’ll even see him …

 

Luke’s face softens. “I know you’re worried about her.”

 

Oh, that makes him angry. “Worried? _Worried_? You think I’m just mildly concerned about the woman I love more than anything being in the clutches of the First Order? I’m godsdamned terrified is what I am and you are _in my way_!” he bellows.

 

Ben circles past the old Jedi on his way to the shuttle controls, not quite wanting to pass through him. Rigid with rage, he stiltedly takes the pilot’s chair, wipes the coordinates to Corellia, and programs the shuttle to head towards Takodana. Once the calculations are complete he engages the hyperdrive.

 

“There, now we have time,” Luke says with satisfaction.

 

“I’m not talking to you.”

 

“What else are you going to do for the trip to …” Luke moves next to Ben and leans over to look at the heading. His eyebrows rise. “Maz? You _are_ desperate.”

 

“Of course I am!” Ben slumps in the pilot’s chair and murmurs, “Not that you would understand it, you old eunuch.”

 

Ben startles when Luke lets out a great guffaw. “I’ve missed that Solo charm.”

 

His shoulders slumping, Ben whispers, “Please … I can’t do this. I have to plan. I have to figure out how to save her … just go away.” Maybe he can bring her back through their bond? At least he could provide her silent support even if it will kill him to watch what is sure to unfold.

 

“Ben … I can help.”

 

Ben’s eyes go swiftly to the translucent form hovering next to him. “Help? You? Like you tried to _help_ me with Snoke?” His voice crackles with contempt.

 

Luke flinches. “I know I failed you.”

 

“Great. Can we be done now?”

 

Luke sighs and scrubs his face with one hand. “I told Leia this was a bad idea.”

 

Everything spirals into one magnificently painful point in his heart. “Mother?” He hates how young and vulnerable he sounds. But … maybe this means he’ll get to see her again!

 

Then his open, hopeful expression closes as he realizes she didn’t choose to come herself, sending _Luke Skywalker_ to handle him. Like always. They may have made progress, but the resentment is still too raw and he can’t help but feel abandoned. Again.

 

“Oh hell,” Luke mutters and Ben’s eyebrow rises at the mild curse.

 

“Not very Jedi of you, _Luke_.”

 

“You used to make that face when she had to cancel her trips to visit you at the temple. It’s not that your mother didn’t want to come. It’s that she _couldn’t_.”

 

He can’t stop the pathetic tone to his voice when he asks, “Why not?” He’s been trying so hard to keep the grief, the memories from engulfing him, but in that moment he’s a lonely adolescent, waiting for her transport that never comes.

 

“She … it’s different for soulmates. She can’t come back because she’s with Han.”

 

At the mention of his father, that point of anguish in his heart expands to encompass his whole chest. Oh, gods, if only he could see them both again. More memories come, from when he was very small. From when they were happy. Weaving through marketplaces on his father’s shoulders. Exotic treats hidden from Mother, little presents they’d pick out for her together. The way her eyes would light up when he would shyly offer them to her waiting hands.

 

Is it possible that if his parents are with each other that he truly might be able to have just one more moment with them, together, as a family? But he won’t ask _Skywalker_ for more information. For all he knows he’s lying. His family is very good at that.

 

Ben stubbornly looks at the controls.

 

Luke sighs. “They’re two halves of the same soul, but he’s not a Force user. She had to go to him, the pull was too strong. She wanted to stay, to talk to you one last time, but she couldn’t fight it.”

 

The thought of them united again warms him until he thinks about it. The very idea of his parents being _soulmates_ is utterly ridiculous. There were never two more discordant people in the history of the galaxy. He shoots Luke a baleful glare.

 

“I know what you’re thinking. They fought all the time, how could they be soulmates? But did you ever stop to wonder _why_ they could never really leave one another, even when they were making each other miserable? They’re both too stubborn and difficult. Made of the same stuff.”

 

The wall Ben threw up around his softer feelings the minute he saw Skywalker starts to come down against his will. The desire to understand his parents is too great, even after all this time.

 

“But the way they would talk to each other … I remember the screaming,” he says in a wounded tone, finally turning towards Luke. Then he recalls how his mother had hinted that his father hadn’t been altogether faithful and the wall comes back up, but he keeps his eyes trained on Skywalker.

 

His eyes are filled with regret but Ben isn’t going to fall for it. Luke lets out a long breath and looks away for a moment. “I … I should have talked to you more … helped you understand them …”

 

“That would have meant acknowledging I was _family_ ,” Ben accuses bitterly. Why can’t he just _shut up_? He has to get to Rey!

 

Luke looks down for a long time. When he lifts his shaggy head, he quietly says, “I was wrong. I tried to follow the old ways … no attachments.” His hand flutters helplessly.

 

“Wrong. You were _wrong_ ,” Ben says sarcastically. “Well great, everything is just fine now.” His expression shifts from contempt into anguish. “My … my … my very _heart_ is being held in a First Order cell and you were _wrong_. You want to help? Fine, help, then get the hell off of my ship.”

 

“I just want to talk-”

 

“Earn it, old man,” Ben growls.

 

“You talk a big game for a scared boy who murdered his father,” Luke says with a spark of temper.

 

“No. That’s not going to work, not anymore. I won’t be manipulated. Yes, I did do that. And I’ll regret it for the rest of my Force-forsaken life, but _I don’t have time_ for your Jedi pedantry. Help or _leave_ ,” Ben spits.

 

Luke crosses his arms and smiles the most infuriatingly indulgent smile. Oh, Ben has always _hated_ that smile.

 

“There might be hope for you yet.”

 

“I swear to all the gods if you don’t-”

 

“Alright, alright. You need to get yourself to the Resistance. They can help you.”

 

Ben rolls his eyes. “Brilliant, why didn’t _I_ think of that. One problem. I have no idea where they _are_!” he almost yells.

 

“That’s the great thing about being dead. Omniscience.” Luke taps on his forehead and nearly grins. “They’re headed to Naboo.”

 

Blinking, Ben says, “You’re sure?”

 

“No, the all-seeing Force ghost got the coordinates mixed up. Of course I’m sure.”

 

“Fine.”

 

Ben stiffly goes to change the heading when Luke says, “You might not want to do that.”

 

Through clenched teeth Ben seethes, “And why wouldn’t I want to go where you _just said_ I should go?”

 

Luke waves his hand around the inside of his shuttle’s cabin. “Oh, I don’t know. Hard to show up at the Resistance in a First Order command shuttle. Maz can help you with that.”

 

Dammit. Refusing to acknowledge that Luke is right, Ben just sits back in the pilot’s chair and stares out into hyperspace.

 

“Does that earn me a conversation?” Skywalker wheedles.

 

“Once I have Rey back,” Ben grits out, glancing over at Luke.

 

“Hmm …” Luke nods his head slowly to himself. “You probably would be a lot easier to deal with if you got laid.”

 

“Do not speak of things you know nothing about.” If he wasn’t out patience before, having his intimacy with Rey spoken of so casually ate up the last of it.

 

Luke chuckles. “Oh, you’d be surprised.” He looks around the shuttle one more time. “I’ll see you around, kid.”

 

Wait. Rey. Luke might know how to find Rey! Ben is about to call out when he hears his disembodied voice say, “Oh, and check your pocket.”

 

“Get back here and tell me where Rey is!” he orders, but something tells him he won’t be answered.

 

Ben sits with his fists clenching and unclenching for a full five minutes, refusing to do anything _Luke Skywalker_ told him to do. Eventually he realizes he’s being ridiculous and he pats his trousers.

 

He feels an object and when he withdraws it he finds a _comm_. The comm from TL! He’d been so hazy from blood loss that he’d completely forgotten about it!

 

A shuddering breath is pulled from him and his eyes sting in relief as he realizes he’ll be able to find Rey.

 

Maz will get him a clean ship, he’ll convince the Resistance to help him, TL will tell him where Rey is …

 

A plan. He has a plan.

 

“I’m coming, Rey,” he whispers.

 

\---

 

The smell of Maz’s rebuilt castle hits him like a blow to the gut. He’d first been here when he was 8 … with his parents. When he’d been travelling with Skywalker, they’d stopped in here quite a few times, gathering information. Before … Starkiller Base, this had been the last place he’d seen his father.

 

He doesn’t want to do this. Force, he does _not_ want to do this. The urge to turn around and just _run_ is so strong he feels himself hesitating at the entryway.

 

“Ben Solo!”

 

Too late.

 

“Hey, Maz.”

 

The diminutive alien scurries through the raucous crowd and looks at him from head to toe. Then she beckons him down. He stoops slightly and she impatiently gestures for him to come closer.

 

He huffs out a frustrated breath and crouches down until he’s at her eye-level. Her hand shoots out and she grabs him roughly by the ear.

 

“You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here after what you pulled!”

 

“Ouch!” he calls out, totally surprised by her action. He tries to pull back but she just pinches harder. He nearly Force pushes her but manages to keep himself in check. It won’t help his cause to send Maz flying.

 

So he has no choice but to submit. “I know, I’m sorry about the castle.”

 

“Oh, child … do you think I care about bricks and mortar? I meant my _friend_. And what you’ve put that girl through! Supreme Leader indeed,” she admonishes.

 

She lets his ear go but keeps glaring at him.

 

Still on his knees he catches her eyes and says softly, “I’m sorry for that, too.”

 

Maz cocks her head and pulls her outlandish goggles back. “I know you are, _deru_.” She reaches out and pats his cheek. “She’s all over you, you know. Wrapped around your heart so tightly you’re never getting rid of her.”

 

“I wouldn’t want to,” he murmurs.

 

Maz crosses her arms in front of her and leans back on her heels. “Just so. You were all over her, too, when I met her. It’s only fair.”

 

“You met Rey?” he asks eagerly, his heart swelling from just the thought of his beloved having been right here.

 

“Of course I did. Where do you think she was before your attack dogs destroyed my business?”

 

“I am so-”

 

“Don’t repeat yourself,” she snaps.

 

“Yes, Maz,” he says, sounding like an obedient child. He’s getting pretty tired of his past speaking so loudly.

 

“It’s true, I met your girl. Knew she was yours before you did.”

 

“But we hadn’t even … met,” he says awkwardly, remembering how it was very near here that he’d taken her.

 

Maz snorts. “Is that what they’re calling kidnapping these days?”

 

Ben’s lips purse but he doesn’t say anything.

 

“No matter. The Force was whispering the minute she awoke. Perhaps even before, in your case.”

 

His reaction to the girl … even then?

 

“Even then, Ben Solo.”

 

His eyes narrow. He’s always hated the way she could do that. He remembers how she’d reached behind her and slapped his hand when he’d been about to steal a bit of his father’s uneaten dessert. She’d never even turned around.

 

“Ach, boy, so easy to read for such a big bad darksider,” Maz teases, giggling to herself. Then her expression grows serious. “You have to hurry.”

 

“I know. Will you help me?” he pleads.

 

“Your ship is already fueled and waiting, _deru_.”

 

\---

 

The ship is almost as old as the _Falcon_ , but it seems to be in working order, easily accepting the coordinates for Naboo. Once he’s in hyperspace, he stands from his chair and stretches, keeping his mind blank. There’s too much calling for him and all he can do is keep it locked away.

 

First he’ll take stock of his supplies, then he’ll try to contact TL. He begins his inventory and is surprised that Maz has left him quite well provided for. There’s clothing, weapons, food … even a rather impressive med kit.

 

He finds himself wondering how long Maz had known he was coming when he sees Rey sitting on the floor, her back against the bulkhead, eyes closed. She looks a bit better and he calls out, “Rey!”

 

“Ben!” Her bright eyes sparkle at him and he tries to ignore her bruises.

 

She’s starting to get up when he gestures for her to stay where she is. Rey might be observed. “Are you still on the transport?” he asks cautiously. If she’s been moved to a proper cell there will be surveillance.

 

“Yes. We docked somewhere, but no one has come for me. Well … again.” She looks almost sheepish.

 

He makes his way to her and awkwardly sits next to her. His long frame wasn’t really meant for sitting on the floor. She leans against him and he swiftly puts his arm around her. They both sigh out in relief. Oh, Rey ...

 

“What did you mean, again?” he murmurs against her hair, gently stroking his fingers along her upper arm and wrapping his other arm around her, careful not to hold her too tightly. He wishes she would have let him heal her completely.

 

She turns in his arms and looks up at him. “I sort of Force pushed the stormtroopers that came to get me right back out of the cell. I think they’re scared of me.”

 

“As well they should be,” he says proudly. The fear lessens a fraction as he remembers just how formidable Rey really is. Maybe this won’t be as bad as he thinks.

 

“I hope I didn’t hurt them …”

 

“All that matters is your safety. I’ve been going out of my mind for you,” he admits.

 

“I’ll be okay.”

 

“I know … I just hate what’s probably coming.” Even if she defends herself, she’s likely going to at least get hurt again.

 

She shrugs. “I told you, I can take it.”

 

“You shouldn’t have to,” he says softly.

 

“Even so. You can’t think about it. You have to focus.”

 

“I know.” He turns and drops a kiss to her crown. “I know …”

 

Rey nestles in closer and oh, he feels like he can breathe for the first time since he’d been in his chambers on the _Finalizer_.

 

“So what’s the plan?” she asks into his chest.

 

“I’m on my way to Naboo, to the Resistance. I don’t think I can get to you alone.”

 

She pulls back and holds his eyes. “You’re really going to go to my friends for help?”

 

He winces slightly at the reminder of who, precisely, he’s on his way to in order to beg for assistance. “I’d much prefer that I’d figured all of this out sooner, that you are all that matters … gone to them when you were still there, when …” He trails off at the reminder of his mother.

 

Rey rubs soothing circles along his chest. “I know, Ben … I know.” She shifts and cranes her neck, seeking a kiss.

 

He gladly pulls her closer, sealing his lips against hers. They kiss for a long time, letting their devotion wind through them. That tether between their hearts hums in contentment and he just soaks it all in, letting it smooth his tattered edges.

 

Finally she moves away slightly and searches his eyes. “Do you … do you want to talk about Leia?”

 

He lets out a shaky breath. “No … I can’t. If I start … I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop and I have to stay strong. For you.” He strokes her cheek gently.

 

Rey smiles a small smile that tugs at somewhere deep inside of him. She settles back against his chest and they just hold each other.

 

He feels her stiffen slightly after some time. “Wait … how did you know the Resistance was headed to Naboo?”

 

“Well … that’s a long story …”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who continues to hold my hand through this wacky process.
> 
> Thank you to the very best readers out there. You are all such special and marvelous people. Rainbows, glitter, and space cupcakes for everyone!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who picks me up from the train station every day so I don't have to walk, even though it keeps him at work an extra hour.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy gets in contact with Space Horatio then tries to keep his cool when Space Eyre comes face to face with Hux Huxing. We finish it up with a confrontation with Intergalactic Rosecrantz and Galactic Guildenstern.

Ben sends the alert, hoping TL is able to respond quickly. He’ll arrive to Naboo in just under an hour and he wants to be able to tell the Resistance that he knows where Rey is. He’d prefer not to share his inside connection until he absolutely has to. The last thing he needs is for the stormtroopers to be undermined by some propaganda holo for the Resistance.

 

“Supreme Leader?” crackles through the comm. Thank the gods, TL was alone.

 

“TL, it’s a relief to hear you.” In that moment Ben realizes he hadn’t considered the risk TL had taken and how remarkable it is that he appears safe. “How did you-”

 

“Make it through that mess alive?” There’s that light sense of humor in his tone that’s always made Ben like TL.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, that’s the thing. All stormtroopers look alike in their armor. And if those of us involved happen to have been wearing insignia of troopers who fell in battle …”

 

Ben blinks a bit. This, well he supposed it’s a rebellion, has clearly been planned for far longer than he’d been aware of if they were already so well prepared to hold an armed insurrection. They’re well organized and this can only help his cause.

 

TL continues, “But you, sir, are you safe?” The edge of true worry takes Ben by surprise.

 

“Yes, yes I am. Though … there’s a complication.” How is he going to explain this to TL?

 

“Complication?”

 

“A recent First Order capture … the prisoner is important to me.”

 

“The girl?” TL asks with shock.

 

“Presuming we’re speaking of the young woman recently captured on Corellia, then yes.”

 

“Huh,” TL remarks. “Well, someday you’re going to have to explain to me how that all worked out, but for now anything that gets under Hux’s skin is okay by me. She makes him froth at the mouth.”

 

“You’ve heard of her?” Ben asks eagerly. “Where is she?”

 

“Well, there’s some good news and some bad news there … she’s here on the _Finalizer_ , but she’s not in the prison block. Hux has her sequestered somewhere but I don’t know where. I’m sure I can find out; I just haven’t had reason to.” Ben’s heart beats just a little more easily now that he knows he’ll be able to find her.

 

“And where is the _Finalizer_?”

 

“Right now we’re on our way to Eshara, something about possible Resistance activity.”

 

At least Hux hasn’t figured out that that was a ruse … he hopes he can work with it. “Alright. Try to find out where Rey is and if possible …” Ben trails off, not sure how to ask this.

 

“Try to keep her safe,” TL finishes for him.

 

“Please,” Ben breathes out before he means to.

 

“Sir, I have to go, but we’ll do our best to look out for her. I’ll contact you later to fill you in on the situation here.” And with that, the comm goes silent.

 

Ben is filled with numerous feelings. He’s almost dizzy with relief knowing where she is and that it’s possible TL might be able to do something for her until he can get there. Hux’s reaction to her is troubling, if expected. He wishes they could have spoken longer. He has no idea what situation he’s walking into, how many stormtroopers are part of this movement … he needs intel.

 

He considers Analyst Bast. He’s going to need to put TL and Bast in contact with each other and hope his measure of Bast is accurate. Otherwise the young analyst will end up dead. But he’s going to need help with the ship’s systems when he makes his way onboard and Bast is just the man for the job.

 

\---

 

After leaving hyperspace, he glides the ship into orbit around Naboo. He’s fairly certain he knows where they’ve gone, but he sets the systems to scanning for his mother’s unique code. While he’s relatively sure she’s sent them to the family compound, he won’t walk into this blind.

 

Grimacing, he tugs at his unfamiliar clothes. At least Maz had provided him with dark colors. The black trousers are plane and serviceable with a deep blue shirt and a charcoal jacket. He ignores how much the jacket reminds him of ... he won’t think about that right now. Later. He can let it all in later.

 

Then he senses Rey and turns to see her standing stock still, her eyes burning with hatred. He’s about to say something when her eyes widen and she gives a slight twitch of her eyebrow. She’s not alone.

 

The fear erupts at the base of his skull. What’s going to happen to her? He’s not sure he can watch a torture droid tear into her.

 

But … she doesn’t seem afraid. Just _extremely_ angry. He can make out a hint of the room where she is and it’s clearly not a cell.

 

“If you think, General Hux, that you can bribe me into cooperating with you, you are woefully misinformed about the Last Jedi.” Oh hell. Hux. Fear trickles down his spine. He underestimated this man once and he’s not going to do it again. Knowing he’s in the same room as Rey makes his skin prickle with potent rage. He wants to reach through the light years and snap that bastard’s neck.

 

“Putting me in fancy quarters, giving me nice food … just drug me again and put me in my cell,” she says contemptuously.

 

She’d been drugged? Of course … standard protocol with difficult prisoners that you wish to be unharmed. It doesn’t get used very often. At least it means she wasn’t beaten into submission. In fact, her bruising is almost gone … they must have treated the rest of the damage while she was out.

 

Rey’s face morphs into pure fury. “I am _not_ Kylo Ren’s whore!” she spits.

 

Ben’s fists clench and Hux just bought himself an even slower death. Just the knowledge that he’s anywhere near Rey makes him helpless with impotent fury.

 

“I’d rather kiss a Hutt,” she seethes. Ben can only imagine what vile words Hux is throwing at his beloved and now he’s attempting some perverse seduction.

 

Then her face snaps back as if she’s been hit and Ben growls, “I’m going to kill him.” No one touches Rey like that and lives. No one.

 

“You’ll be waiting until the last star goes out!” Rey snarls.

 

Her fingers flex as her hand lifts threateningly; her smile is cruel. “That’s it, run you coward.”

 

Rey relaxes and she nods at him slightly. Though Hux seems to have left, he’s certain they’re observed, so he asks, “I know you can’t talk to me right now, but are you alright? Have they hurt you?”

 

She purses her lips and looks at him with frustration. Right. One question at a time.

 

“Sorry … have they hurt you, I mean beyond what Hux just pulled?”

 

There’s a quick shake of her head. Good.

 

“You’re in quarters instead of a cell?”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and nods. Ben can’t help but chuckle. “I imagine Hux is trying to lull you into a false sense of safety.”

 

She peers at him and then she walks up to him and touches his hand. Anyone watching will find her behavior odd, but likely unremarkable.

 

His eyes flutter closed at the feeling of her fingers twined with his. He’s always instantly calmed at her touch. A long, slow relieved breath leaves him.

 

_Ben? Can you hear me?_ blooms in his head and his eyes snap open.

 

“Yes, I … how are you doing this?” he asks in wonder.

 

_The bond. I’ve been getting flashes of you when you aren’t here. I thought I’d try to project my thoughts. This way we can talk and they’ll never know_.

 

Gods, she’s brilliant. The flashes he’s been experiencing. Of course, the bond isn’t weakening, it’s _changing_. He wonders if he can talk to her, too … what if they learned how to do this even when apart? His heart beats rapidly in excitement at the prospect.

 

He closes his eyes and follows that golden thread between them until he feels her pulsing in him and he cautiously sends, _Rey_?

 

Opening his eyes, he finds her face alight with joy and he smiles down on her. _Oh, Ben, what if we can do this over the distance?_

 

_I know, we’ll have to work with this, but for now, talk to me. Tell me what’s happened._

 

_Well, they flooded my cell on the transport with some sort of gas. I was able to keep it at bay with the Force for a while, but it was too much._ She looks away in shame.

 

Gently, he cups her cheek and moves her face back to look at him. _Don’t. Don’t feel like that. You did the best you could._

 

She nods slightly then takes in a deep breath. _Anyway, when I woke up I was here. The quarters are ridiculous. There are even flowers. It’s like he’s trying to … seduce me._ Rey shivers in revulsion.

 

Ben knew this already, but having it confirmed makes that snarling, jealous beast that Rey awoke in him gnash its teeth and call for blood. Hux’s blood. _Hux is many things, but he’s not an idiot,_ he forces himself to send through the throbbing sense of possession. _He’s up to something._

 

_Yeah, I figured. It’s just so strange. I’d expected beatings, torture … not_ this _._ She waves her hand to indicate her surroundings. He wonders if Hux put her in Snoke’s quarters. The thought is just twisted enough that he realizes it’s exactly the sort of thing Hux would do.

 

His head is starting to hurt from the effort of communication with her in his mind and he decides to speak out loud, as they can’t hear him. “No matter what he says, trust nothing Hux says. Nothing.”

 

She snorts and it sort of tickles. _Oh, don’t worry about that. He’s an ass. I don’t know who taught him how to flirt but he needs serious work._

 

Jealousy simmers in his blood at the thought of Hux having _designs_ on his beloved but manages to keep from saying something. He knows Rey would never give into Hux’s peculiar machinations.

 

“What did he say to you?” Ben murmurs, stroking her cheek.

 

_It’s not worth repeating. Just rot about if I spread my legs for you …_ Her eyes go to his when she hears the low growl her words pulled from him.

 

_Stop. If he’s spewing filth he’s keeping his hands to himself. I’d rather have him say disgusting things and slap me for impudence than … the alternative._ There’s a frisson of genuine fear through the bond and Ben gets fleeting glances of _Plutt_.

 

Ben decides right there that he won’t use the Force when he ends the general, he wants to feel the life leave Hux with his bare hands. This has become far too personal. Hux hurt _Rey_ and that cannot go unaddressed. “I am going to kill him, you know that, right?”

 

_I know._

 

\---

 

After Rey faded, he had gone to the console and found confirmation of the Resistance’s location. They are, in fact, in his family’s estate. He’s fairly certain no one knows about it, his mother having buried any records linking them in the aftermath of the revelation of her parentage. Chances are no one has visited it in years.

 

His family has had a close relationship with the Queens of Naboo, and in all likelihood his mother had arranged something with the local government. He’s confused by the feelings this realization brings out in him. Finding himself … comforted that the Resistance is safe is not what he’d expected.

 

But these are his mother’s people, and he feels … responsible for them now, in some strange way. He shakes himself out of these odd thoughts and considers how to best approach this.

 

He’ll easily be able to land on the private pad. Somehow, he’s sure his code will still work. He can’t see his mother cutting him off like that. If he’s lucky that will make the Resistance at least curious and not hostile. He hopes.

 

It’s time.

 

\---

 

The shield over the estate’s landing pad drops when he enters his private code and he lands slowly. He remembers his father teaching him to _fly casual_ and he smiles a pained smile.

 

He takes a deep breath and lowers the ramp. Through the Force he senses people coming, but there’s only a feeling of caution. Maker, he hopes this doesn’t get violent. He doesn’t want to face Rey if he’s had to kill one of her friends. He wouldn’t mind if Dameron gave him an excuse to punch him in the face, however.

 

He walks down the ramp, holding himself with confidence. He’s fairly certain he can handle anything they can throw at him and he wants to come into this … negotiation from a place of strength.

 

As his welcoming party comes into view his stomach sinks. Of course it would be the traitor and the pilot. Just great.

 

“Kylo Ren!” Finn bellows, his blaster trained on Ben’s heart. Well so much for peaceful conversation.

 

There are a handful of other Resistance members who quickly raise their weapons. Ben almost snears, as if they could take him with only a few blasters. He’s tempted to disarm them just to show that he can, but he’ll let this play out. For now.

 

“Hello, _Finn_ ,” Ben forces himself to say. He’d like to needle the former stormtrooper, but he knows that will not endear him to these desperately needed potential allies. Maker, what has Rey done to him?

 

Wait. It’s not just Rey. TL has changed him too, made him see so much more. While he’d like to dismiss _Finn_ as just a stormtooper traitor, he’s counting on the very same contingent to keep his beloved safe until he can get there.

 

“I don’t want to cause any difficulty. I’m here for Rey,” he says with a measured tone.

 

“Yeah, well, your _buddies_ have her,” Dameron snarls. Ben does not like the protective edge to his voice, as if it’s this man’s duty to keep her safe.

 

“I’ve left the First Order, I only care about Rey,” Ben says sincerely.

 

Finn’s eyes narrow. “Why do you care about Rey?” he asks suspiciously.

 

Ben steals himself. He hadn’t really thought about what he would say and the thought of revealing his private feelings to these men in particular is discomfiting at best. “She matters to me.”

 

“Like you want to control her, Jedi Killer?” Poe asks with contempt.

 

“Never! I …” Ben draws his hand through his hair, frustrated that he can’t come up with the right words. He finally settles on, “I care about her.”

 

Poe crosses his arms and rocks back on his heels. Odd that he doesn’t have a weapon. “You care about her. The Supreme Leader of the First Order, old Snoke’s attack dog, cares about Rey,” he snears.

 

Ben stands straighter. “Yes. I do. There’s more going on here than you can possibly understand, _Dameron_.”

 

Poe strides up to him quickly but Ben holds his ground, trying to keep the frustration from his face. He could really use some of his mother’s diplomacy right about now.

 

“I should break your nose for what you did to me,” Poe exclaims.

 

Ben shrugs. “If that’s what it takes for you to help me rescue Rey, then take your best shot, pilot.” Stars, he must be desperate to even consider Dameron as a useful participant in this mad plan.

 

“You ripped into my mind, you son of a bitch!”

 

“Now, now, we both know who my mother is,” Ben taunts, finally losing control of himself.

 

Poe pulls his arm back, clearly ready to take his punch when Finn stops him with a hand on his bicep. He quietly says, “Was.”

 

“What?” Ben asks, still bracing for the blow. He’d meant it. He’d take any number of blows to get them to listen to him.

 

“Who your mother _was_. She’s gone.”

 

Ben flinches as if he really had been hit. In that moment the memories rush in. How they would come here on rare family vacations. It was here his father first taught him to fly … and his mother had let him braid her hair. He’d loved how long it was, how she’d hide behind it when they played peek-a-boo … Force, it hurts.

 

He gathers himself together and looks Finn right in the eyes. “I know. And she will always be my mother.”

 

Poe scoffs. “Yeah, son of the year.”

 

Ben’s fists clench and he’s beginning to think that he’s going to be the one throwing punches.

 

Finn continues to look pensive. “Why would you leave the First Order instead of stay and get Rey out yourself?”

 

“There was a mutiny … a coup,” Ben admits.

 

The former stormtrooper nods slightly. “So you’re here because you’re desperate.”

 

“She’s in their clutches right now! Of course I’m desperate!”

 

Poe chimes in with, “So you figured you’d waltz in here and we’d just help you?”

 

“This _is_ my family’s estate,” Ben says imperiously.

 

“You have big brass ones to claim your family now, Kylo Ren,” Poe needles.

 

Ben is out of patience. “Look, you blind flyboy, Rey is in their custody, _right now_. I know where she is. I know how to get to her. Are you going to help me or not?”

 

Poe looks him up and down. “Yeah … no. You tell us where she is and we’ll handle it while you cool your heels in a cell. How about that?”

 

“You need me. You won’t get within 100 feet of her without my knowledge and skills. Besides, last I checked there aren’t any cells here. Though I suppose you could always lock me in the wine cellar.”

 

The glare Poe shoots him is absolutely murderous and Ben smirks in self-satisfaction.

 

Finn has continued to look at him speculatively. “What are you proposing?”

 

“We’ll need to capture a First Order ship; I don’t have the resources on my own. I was hoping the Resistance might have some … useful contacts. Then I’ll need a team to get onto the _Finalizer_.”

 

“Then what, we just go our separate ways, let the most infamous murder in the galaxy blast off into the sunset?” Poe asks sarcastically.

 

Ben hadn’t really thought beyond saving Rey. And he knows he’s never leaving her side again. “I …” He swallows. “I will help the Resistance.”

 

Poe rolls his eyes. “Oh this is just too much. You seriously want us to believe that you’ve come back to the light, just like that?”

 

His jaw clenches as Ben mulls the pilot’s words. He’s not come back to the light, not precisely. But … he’s willing to do whatever he has to in order to be with Rey. “I will fight bey Rey’s side.”

 

Finn cocks his head and keeps looking at Ben intensely. It’s beginning to unnerve him.

 

“Look, we can keep arguing out here on the landing pad or get inside and come to some sort of agreement,” Ben suggests.

 

“Oh, no way you’re coming inside,” Poe snarls.

 

“This is _my_ house, Dameron. You didn’t steal everything from me.” He thinks of the pilot’s grasping hands on Rey and he almost hopes he does try to hit him. No one could blame him if he defended himself. Right?

 

“I think you lost the right to anything associated with the name Organa when you broke your mother’s heart, you animal,” Poe snarls, getting in Ben’s face.

 

“You know nothing,” Ben hisses.

 

“You’re right, I have no clue what the Force is going on. It makes no godsdamned sense!” Poe yells.

 

“He loves her,” Finn says softly.

 

“Sure, loved his mother so much he killed her husband!” Poe’s words cut Ben straight to the bone and he has to look away for a moment.

 

Finn keeps his eyes on Ben. “No. Rey. He loves Rey.”

 

The taught energy between Ben and Poe dissipates quickly as Ben feels horribly exposed and Dameron just opens and closes his mouth dumbly.

 

“You do, don’t you? You love her,” Finn proclaims thoughtfully.

 

All Ben has is the truth so he looks Finn in the eyes and shrugs helplessly.

 

His voice is impossibly gentle when Ben says, “Yes. I do.”

 

Poe looks back and forth between Finn and Ben then whistles. “Well I’ll be damned.”

 

Ben rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. The loth-cat is out of the bag and he might as well explain everything.

 

“It’s more than love, it’s … fate.”

 

Poe shakes his head. “Yeah, I’m gonna need to know how the hell this happened. Come on, Solo. I need a drink.’

 

Ben follows the confused group inside and lets out a long breath.

 

_I’m coming, sweetheart. I’m coming._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who always makes time for me, even if she's busy. She's a rockstar who turns chapters around at super sonic speed so I can post sooner.
> 
> Thank you readers! Over the weekend was the birthday of my first fic, [''He Knows He Needs to Stop'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6099895/chapters/13982680), so I posted a one-shot called ['He Knows He Can't Do This'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13789542) in which our couple faces having their first child. Everyone was so kind and I'm very grateful. Thank you all for being the most supportive of readers. *blows kisses*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who was exceptionally adorable last night, threatening to punch people for making me cry while half asleep. Don't worry, I didn't cry, just asked him if it makes him feel protective if I do. Apparently he just needs to know who to punch in that situation. :D


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lando is in the house! Darth Darcy faces his father's best friend and his family home. Not to mention a bit of jealousy. Then he finally lets in the loss of his mother.

The memories nearly drown him the moment he crosses into the welcoming hall. It’s two stories high and full of light. He remembers so many times his mother had pulled him with her to meet the latest group of diplomats. Gods, he’d hated it. The clothing she’d made him wear was restrictive with high collars and the Alderaanian crest was always emblazoned on his lapels.

 

If the New Republic hadn’t been destroyed, he might worry that the First Order could find the Resistance’s connection to his family home through those many visitors, but they’re all dead. Hux never truly understood how the aristocracy worked, anyway.

 

He’d been so resentful of his Alderaanian _heritage_ once he’d found out he had no relationship whatsoever to the doomed planet. But now … now he’s beginning to see how little blood matters. Love … love is what binds the galaxy together.

 

He’d always thought it was the Force, and now he’s wondering if perhaps they aren’t one and the same. That the schism between the light and the dark wasn’t the true moment of fracture. You cannot love without the dark or the light. Both the Sith and the Jedi denied love, one seeing it as weakness, the other as an impediment.

 

Shaking his head, he forces himself from his musings and he pushes away how familiar his home smells. Yes, he’d been born on Chandrila, but this … this was always home.

 

“What in nine hells is he doing here?!” an unpleasantly familiar voice snarls.

 

Ben’s eyes go to the source of the voice to find Unc- no … Lando. Lando Calrissian. He doesn’t even begin to have the resources to deal with this man.

 

He looks Lando up and down and suppresses a snort as he takes in his ostentatious lavender cape—noticeably singed at one edge—with a fur lined trim. It’s just so … Lando that for a moment Ben is sitting under their dining room table, unnoticed or simply allowed to remain so long as he keeps quiet. His father is laughing boisterously as they bet over their latest card game.

 

Lando had chuckled. “Alright, old man-”

 

“Who you callin’ old? I’m two years younger than you!” his father had said with mock offense.

 

“You’re the one with a wife and kid. Speaking of … a kiss from Leia if I win this hand?”

 

Ben’s memory of his father’s hearty laugh feels like a blaster bolt.

 

“Yeah, sure. If you can convince her.”

 

“Oh, come on, someone as suave as me?”

 

“Just protect your bits when you suggest it,” his father had joked.

 

Ben hadn’t really understood the interchange, but now he finds a peculiar comfort in the memory. His mother … gods, she’d been so fierce. He has the strangest thought then, that somehow he knows if another man tried to kiss his beautiful Rey he’d have to count his fingers—or other appendages—once she was done with him.   

 

“I’m talking to you!” interrupts Ben’s reverie.

 

“Lando,” Ben says evenly.

 

“Don’t you Lando me, you betrayed and murdered your father, my best friend!” Lando accuses hotly.

 

It makes Ben bristle. He knows the full history of this man and his parents. He knows just how deep Lando’s betrayal had gone and precisely how much it had cost his mother to forgive him.

 

“If I recall correctly, you betrayed him before I was even born,” Ben says offhandedly.

 

Finn and Poe have remained silent, looking back and forth between the two men with obvious history. Ben is relieved they’ve not made this even more complicated with a barrage of questions.

 

Lando looks down, shame lining his rakish frame. “He didn’t die,” he finally murmurs.

 

“But he could have. At least I had the honor to look him in the eye.” In the small hours of the night he has clung to this, hoping he really had seen forgiveness on his father’s face.

 

The other man’s eyes snap to Ben’s and Ben is surprised to see them swimming in regret.

 

“Did you tell yourself you had no choice, too?” Lando asks with something approaching compassion.

 

It slices right through him and Ben has to look at his feet, breathing in and out slowly. He can’t do this right now. He can’t face what he did. He has to focus on Rey.

 

Once he’s collected himself he looks back up at Lando and glances at Dameron and Finn. “I’m not here for the past. I’m here to save the future.”

 

\---

 

Ben takes a cautious sip of the drink Dameron just handed him and grimaces. It’s utterly foul and he shakes his head. They’re seated in the family dining room and he starts to get up when Lando instantly pulls a blaster from behind his cape and trains it on him.

 

Ben raises his hands defensively. “Alright, alright. I was just going to go find us something better to drink. But if you’d rather keep drinking that rotgut, be my guest.” Ben smiles to himself because they really are his guests, after a fashion.

 

Lando looks at his own drink and sniffs it. His head snaps away and he pushes it as far away from him as possible.

 

“I might be willing to listen to what you have to say but don’t think that means I trust you to wander around the place,” Dameron says suspiciously.

 

“Not even to get a 30-year-old Corellian Whiskey?” Ben asks enticingly.

 

Finn catches Poe’s eyes and looks almost … hopeful. Huh. Ben wouldn’t have pegged the traitor as a connoisseur. But he’ll work with what he’s got. “It goes down _so_ smoothly.”

 

Now Finn is nudging Poe with his elbow and the pilot rolls his eyes. “You’re so easy, Finn.”

 

Finn shrugs. “Look, Kylo Ren showed up in love with Rey and asking for help. From the Resistance. From a former _stormtrooper_. If you’d asked me to come up with the most impossible thing that might happen to me today that would top the list. Might as well round it out with a decent drink.”

 

Ben is uncomfortable being called Kylo Ren, but he’s certainly not going to make an issue out of it. “Both of you could come with me, make sure I’m not up to something?”

 

“No, no way. Mr. Romantic over here might be willing to see a brand new you, but he’s disgustingly in love so he can’t be trusted. Tell us where the wine cellar is.”

 

“No need,” Lando says, pushing away from the table. “I know where it is.”

 

“The code is-” Ben starts to say.

 

Lando looks at him sadly. “You really think I don’t know?”

 

Ben flinches and considers taking a swig from his abandoned drink.

 

\---

 

While Lando is gone, Ben looks around the dining room. It’s a large round table, meant to seat eight. There’s a formal dining room they used for guests, but this is where most of his family meals were taken. He swallows past the ghosts tightening around his throat.

 

Feeling eyes on him, he finds Finn looking at him with that speculative, intense stare.

 

“What,” he grumbles.

 

“You really do love her,” Finn says in wonder.

 

Ben knows he’s going to have to explain, at least some of it. But his bond with Rey is … private and he’s not looking forward to revealing it. He looks at Finn stonily. “What makes you say that?”

 

“Because we’re sitting in your family home and you’re … well you’re not exactly being friendly, but you haven’t lost your temper and that’s … not you,” Finn finishes awkwardly.

 

“You think you know me?” Ben hisses, leaning over the table. Dameron tenses but Finn only smirks.

 

“I’m beginning to think that maybe I do. I thought you attacked me because I left the First Order. But that wasn’t it at all, was it?”

 

Ben’s jaw clenches as he remembers the fiery jealousy that had made him want to toy with the stormtrooper, how much he’d wanted to rip his hands off for touching Rey. He _does not_ like how this man can look right through him.

 

Finn sits back and nods. “That’s what I thought,” he says smugly.

 

Just then Lando and his cape swirl back into the room, holding two dusty bottles in his hands. “It’s been a long time, but I still remember where your old man kept the good stuff!” he crows.

 

It’s like razor blades scraping along his soul to be in a room with Lando and Ben takes in a shuddering breath. Lando looks at him for a long time then shakes himself. “Now, let’s get some real drinking done.”

 

\---

 

“What the hell is a Force bond?” Dameron asks again.

 

He’d given them a basic overview, how they’d appeared to each other and grown … close. Luckily, none of them have thought to ask about the physical aspect of the bond. Not that he’d share that with them. He’ll admit to anyone how desperately he loves her, but his need … no, that’s not for them.

 

“I told you, we’re connected through the Force!” Ben growls in frustration.

 

“Yeah, but how does that even work? I mean, did you _do_ something to her?” Dameron’s protective, nearly possessive tone sets Ben’s teeth on edge.

 

“I would never do anything to hurt her,” he grinds out.

 

“I dunno, binding her to the biggest murderer in space-”

 

“I already explained! I didn’t do anything!”

 

“Well Rey certainly wouldn’t have chosen you!”

 

“Oh, so she would have chosen _you_?”

 

“Yeah, maybe. If you weren’t messing with her mind!”

 

Just the thought of Poe Dameron having _feelings_ for Rey has him on his feet in an instant, looming over the still seated man. Dameron also jumps to his feet and juts his chin out in challenge.

 

“She loves me,” Ben rumbles dangerously.

 

“Oh that’s rich-”

 

“Gentleman,” Lando cuts in. “I’ve seen it. A Force bond. Ben isn’t lying.”

 

Hearing his name from someone other than Rey’s lips startles him and he almost gapes at the man he used to call Uncle.

 

Dameron keeps on glaring at Ben but Finn perks up. “Tell us what you know.”

 

Stiffly, both men return to their chairs.

 

“Leia and Luke, they have-” Lando clears his throat. “Had one. It was downright spooky if you ask me. She could communicate with him, find him when we were nearby.”

 

Ben remembers how he’d felt Rey pulsing in the Force when he’d met her on Cathne and he understands that he might not even need TL to get him her precise location. Though, being able to plan ahead certainly has its advantages.

 

In that moment, Ben realizes how strange it is that Lando is here. In all the chaos of his tumultuous thoughts he hadn’t even questioned it. “What are you doing here, anyway? Last I heard you were the consulate of Brednan.”

 

“Maker hopes I still am. When Leia and the rest of ‘em landed on Corellia an old, uh, _friend_ got in touch. I owed it to Han to keep her safe. I guess that … I ...” Lando’s voice breaks and everyone looks down.

 

It’s an odd moment of shared grief and Ben doesn’t know what to do with the sudden and strange kinship he feels with everyone at the table. They’d all cared for his mother, in their own way.

 

Lando swallows thickly then grins before he continues. “Besides, these kids have no idea how to be rebels, figured I’d stick around. For old time’s sake.”

 

“Hey!” Finn spouts while Dameron sputters, “Whadya mean we don’t know how to be rebels? I’ve been with the Resistance my whole adult life!”

 

“The Resistance rose with the First Order, it was supported by the New Republic. You might get the military, kid, but you don’t know bantha shit about being a rebel,” Lando says good naturedly.

 

Dameron sits back and crosses his arms. “I do know _some_ things,” he offers mulishly.

 

“I’m sure you do. But do you know how to infiltrate an enemy base and steal a freighter, complete with command codes?” Lando asks with a raised brow.

 

Ben is about to point out that the codes are moot, he knows everything they need for that, but for once the attention isn’t on him so he lets it go.

 

“Of course I do!” Dameron nearly shouts. Ben rather likes that, this time, he’s not being the childish one.

 

“Yeah, but have you _done_ it?” the older man says knowingly, leaning forward.

 

Dameron’s jaw works furiously and he sullenly admits, “No.”

 

“See? Sometimes you need an old dog with old tricks. And a smuggler’s connections.”

 

Ben snorts. “I thought you were respectable now.”

 

“You can take the smuggler out of the game-”

 

“But you can’t take the game out of the smuggler, I know,” Ben finishes for him. It hurts but also feels almost good to recite one of his father’s old sayings.

 

\---

 

They’re all hunched over the table, looking at a holo of possible First Order outposts to target.

 

“There, that one,” Lando points to a restocking station.

 

Poe scoffs. “No way, look at all that traffic!”

 

“Exactly. No one will notice an extra craft if we play it right.”

 

Ben has remained silent, waiting until his particular expertise are required. It will work better if this is their plan, they’ll trust him more easily.

 

Lando rubs his chin. “Okay, Finn, you’re gonna have to play stormtrooper again.”

 

“Anything for Rey,” he says resolutely.

 

His tone makes Ben’s spine straighten. Does he have to worry about both the traitor _and_ the pilot? He knows Rey would never go behind his back, but just the thought of another man wanting her makes him see red. His hand twitches for his lightsaber, even knowing he’d left it in his ship.

 

He’s about to ask just what Finn’s intentions are when it comes to Rey when a small woman appears just inside the doorway to the sitting room. Well, the family sitting room, anyway.

 

She looks like she’s going to say something when she rushes over to the table and proclaims, “Oh! Is that Omega 712? Sector 12?”

 

Finn’s arm comes around her and she smiles down on his seated form. “Yes, it is,” Finn confirms.

 

The familiarity soothes Ben’s concern over how the traitor feels about Rey and he remembers Dameron saying something about him being in love. Perhaps it truly is just friendship between them. It’s what Rey has always said. He’s just had trouble believing that any man could meet her and _not_ want her.

 

“General Organa and I had been thinking-” Then her eyes fall on Ben and they narrow quickly. “You never said _Kylo Ren_ was who you were meeting!” she says accusingly at Finn.

 

“Surprise?” Finn says sheepishly. “And, to be fair, we didn’t know until he got here.”

 

Her bright, happy countenance has grown ice cold. She’s standing between Ben and Finn and she regards Ben for a long time, her eyes smoldering with hatred.

 

Completely unprepared for the attack, Ben yelps when she punches him square in the jaw. “If I had my zapper, you’d be out for good, Kylo Ren!” she yells as Finn hauls her away by the waist, dragging her back through the door.

 

Ben rubs at his face and blinks in confusion. “Who the hell was that?”

 

“That, Ben Solo, was Rose Tico. Don’t mess with her,” Dameron says through barely controlled laughter.

 

“Yeah, I’m getting that.” It was a good hit and his jaw throbs.

 

Then Dameron grows serious. “She lost her sister just before Crait. And a lot of other friends besides. We all did.”

 

Ben looks at his hands. “I … I made mistakes. I want …” What does he want? To make amends? That’s not possible and to even suggest it seems like an impossibly small gesture compared to their losses. For the hundredth time he wonders what would have happened if he’d just gone with Rey … or his father. “I know there’s nothing I can say.”

 

“No. There isn’t.”

 

\---

 

He’s in his childhood bedroom and everything feels so _tiny_. He’s lying on his old bed and his feet dangle off the end. It would be preposterous if he wasn’t smothered in regret. What is he _doing_ here? No … he knows. Rey is worth any amount of pain. She’s withstanding so much more and he rubs at his eyes. Stars, he’s so selfish to even question his choice to come here.

 

It’s as if he’s constantly bleeding out all over the floor. He just gets his bearings then something else reminds him of what a tattered, disgusting thing he’s made himself. The way he’d catch Lando looking at him. It would be so much easier if he’d been enraged but he’d just looked so damned sad …

 

They’d made a plan and they leave tomorrow for Omega 712. Rose had eventually come back and helped with the route. She wouldn’t speak directly to him, however. Apparently she and his mother had already been scoping out possible places for supply raids.

 

The thought of his mother in her old rebel guise makes him smile. He’d always liked the holos from the Galactic Civil War the best. She’d been so strong, so purposeful. Her gowns had always made her untouchable, but in her jumpsuits she’d looked like … well the woman he’d seen looking back at him always seemed like who his mother really is … was.

 

When his parents had told him the stories of how they’d met, how’d they’d overthrown the Empire, it was the happiest he’d ever seen them. His father would pull her into his lap and look at her the way Ben imagines he looks at Rey, like the brightest sun in the galaxy.

 

Now he knows … he knows they truly did love one another, still do, he supposes, wherever they are. Gods, if only he could take comfort in knowing they’re together, but he just wants them _back_. Please, just for a moment, let him feel like he had when they’d cuddle him between them while they watched holos.

 

It’s too much. All day, the relentless onslaught of memory and his past have been howling, pushing, tearing him apart. Laid over the constant terror of what might be happening to her, he’s frayed and frantic. He’d managed to keep it together for Rey but now he has only to wait. The silence is crippling.

 

Mindlessly, he reaches out for that golden thread between them. He needs her. He needs to just see her, ensure himself that she’s safe. Maybe he can bring her to him, he has before. Gliding along their connection, he starts when his hand falls on something oh so familiar.

 

Pulling back from Rey, his eyes are wide and his throat tightens as his fingers stroke the plush felt of his old tooka doll.

 

The tears finally come and he lets himself remember how his mother’s arms had felt around him. Only Rey has ever made him feel more safe and he almost wails when he realizes he’s never going to see his mother again. He considers trying to reach for Rey once more but now he … he needs to fall down the hole of history and he doesn’t want her to see him like this.

 

Besides … he’s not quite sure if seeing Rey is what he needs. He thinks … he thinks maybe he needs to be alone for this, to let it in, truly let it in that his mother is gone. Dead.

 

It doesn’t matter how powerful he is, the wound in his heart where he’d once kept his mother close and safe from Snoke will always be with him. It throbs with unfelt pain.

 

He can be in their home, wrap himself in memory, but that won’t push away that his mother died before he could make things right. Gods, what would it have been like if Rey hadn’t bridged the gap, if she’d died without getting to tell her that he was sorry, that he loves her? If she really had died thinking he was lost?

 

Rolling over on his side, he pulls up his knees and starts to rock. Without thinking, he brings his tooka doll to his nose and inhales, pretending he can still smell the scent of his family’s love, of his _mother_. She’d given it to him to keep him company when she had to go away on her trips.

 

“See, he’s always with you, even when I’m not. If you give him a hug, I’ll feel it.”

 

“How, Mama?”

 

She’d wriggled her nose and said, “The Force, my sweet boy.”

 

He’d defiantly left it behind when they’d sent him away, but now he holds it close and just weeps into the soft, purple fabric, hoping, somehow, she can feel him hugging her tightly.

 

“Mama ...”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever and always, thank you to my marvelous alpha reader ArtemisBare. She reads for flow and plot, any typos are all my fault.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm terribly sorry I wasn't able to write a second chapter last week. I hope I'll be able to this week, but work has been quite busy so I'd give it a 50/50 chance. No matter what, though, there will be an update next Monday. You are all just simply fantastic!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! I'm taking Mondays off from work this month and he came home at lunch with a corned beef and pastrami sandwich from my favorite sandwich place, just to make sure I ate. He also got me a little adjustable table for my laptop so I can write in the living room if I choose too. He gets extra husband points this week, that's for sure.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre have a moment together and Darth Darcy gets a little overly excited. Then Rose gets heart eyes and begins to warm up to him when he decides he wants to put a ring on it. Finally our newly minted rebels head off to do some rebelling.

So warm. So soft. He’s wrapped around _Rey_ and the terror of the last day recedes as he loses himself in the comfort of her body tucked in his arms. He doesn’t care that it’s only a dream, he needs this—he’s barely holding on.

 

But then she shifts and he starts to understand that she’s actually with him. Somehow he’s found himself in her bed and he gasps, “Rey!”

 

_Mmmm … Ben ..._ blooms in his mind.

 

His head is fuzzy from crying so hard the night before, but he’s absolutely certain the bond has connected them and the relief coursing through him nearly brings the tears again.

 

“Rey, gods, Rey … tell me you’re alright.” He’s immediately pulled into a place of utter helplessness, his body trembling and his hands roving over her, assuring himself that she’s whole. He hasn’t seen her more than 12 hours and anything could have happened.

 

_Well, given that you’re wrapped around me in this frankly ridiculous bed, I’d say I’m quite good at the moment._

 

Her teasing tone catches him oddly. How can she be so light-hearted when everything is so dire?

 

_Because I can’t change it and right now you feel wonderful._

 

Wait. He hadn’t said that out loud, nor had he projected it. Or had he? “How did you know what I was thinking?” His tone isn’t quite suspicious, but he can’t help his confusion.

 

She rolls over in his arms and he looks into her delicate face, her eyes sleepily opening and closing slowly.

 

_I didn’t hear your thoughts precisely, but I got … an impression._

 

“You … you can sense my thoughts?”

 

_We’ve always sensed them to an extent, you know that. But this was … louder._

 

“Oh.”

 

Her sweet giggle tingles along his spine and he swiftly pulls her as close as he can, kissing her deeply. She pulls her blankets up over their heads. He draws his fingers along her throat and realizes her necklace is gone. His crystal, meant to be with her always …

 

“Rey … Did they … did they take it from you?”

 

She looks away, a shame that scrapes through him moving across her features. _They took everything. I … begged to keep it but they ..._

 

It’s too much, the terror, the frantic fear that she’s not safe. He gets moments of her fury as they’d yanked his gift from her neck and he knows if he were to look he’d find marks on her throat. He pours his desperation into kissing her. It’s frenzied and wild, the anxiety quickly turning into passion. Her skin is so soft against the pads of his fingers as he holds her face close, tasting, _needing_ every bit of her he can inhale.

 

Before he knows it, he’s hard as durasteel and grinding against her body. Gods, he needs to be inside of her, to _know_ her. What if he never does? What if all of his promises mean _nothing_ and he loses her before he’s able to show her how completely he loves her? He growls into her mouth before he moves his attentions to her neck, biting, sucking, _wanting_.

 

A surprised squeak breaks through the fog of his lust and he realizes she’s not quite reciprocating. He forces himself to slow his hungry exploration of her skin and breathes in deeply, trying to calm down. His body is trembling with everything he needs to show her, to share with her, but she’s stiff in his arms. Not sure he wants to see the expression on her face, he keeps his eyes closed.

 

She’s breathing harshly and he’s not sure if it’s from passion or fear, and he knows he can’t hide any longer. He finally looks into her eyes and finds her face oddly blank.

 

“Rey … I … I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

 

_It’s alright, I just don’t know how to hide_ this _from the surveillance. No one would really notice me in your arms, but …_

 

But if she returned his attentions it would look so strange. Pulling himself back, forcing himself to consider where she is, he takes in one more centering breath. “However, they might notice if your clothes started being thrown around the room. I understand.” Even if he desperately doesn’t wish to.

 

He tucks his head into the space between her head and her shoulder, suddenly feeling small and needy. His emotions are frantic and animalistic, the need, the want, the desire to throw all caution into space. What is _wrong_ with him? How can he put his hunger before her safety? Who is this man she makes him?

 

Pulling away from her, he wills his body to calm. Slowly, but oh so surely, he finds himself centered and the wariness in her eyes makes him cringe. Now that he’s back under control, he starts to get waves of emotion from her. Surprise … regret … frustration … _fear_.

 

His eyes snap to hers, his stomach turning at the thought of inspiring fear in her. “You’re afraid of me. Just now, I made you afraid.”

 

_No! No … never. I’m worried about what they’ll see. You have no idea how much I want to pretend that they can’t and … and …_

 

Then he feels an endearing shyness from her and flashes of their bodies moving together.

 

_I_ am _afraid. I’m afraid I’m never going to be able to feel you like that. That … that I’m going to die without ever being with you … fully._

 

“No!” he cries out. “No, I will _not_ allow that to happen. I’m with the Resistance, I’m coming! I’ll be there in two days, at the most. Hux won’t harm you so long as he knows I’ll come for you.”

 

_You’re with the Resistance?_ Her face gets a look of almost awe.

 

“I … I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Not and be assured of success.” And nothing matters to him more, has _ever_ mattered to him more than getting Rey off of that ship and away from _Hux_.

 

_You really went to my friends?_

 

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Nothing.” Doesn’t she know that?

 

Her eyes grow wet and she looks at him for a long time. Then she slowly moves her lips to his ear and oh so quietly whispers, “I love you.”

 

“Oh Rey … I love you more than I can ever begin to express. You’re going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Then I’m going to show you with everything I have just how much I love you.”

 

Her eyes sparkle with love and a hint of wickedness.

 

_I believe you._

 

\---

 

She’d faded quickly and while his whole body almost hurts from how much he needs to have her close and safe, he’s also aware that the time to leave with his new _companions_ is approaching.

 

But first there are things he needs to do, like contact TL. He really should have last night, but … he decides not to castigate himself too harshly for needing to come to terms with the death of his mother. Well, as much as he can.

 

Sending the alert, he sits back in the comically small chair at his old desk and waits. This time he has to sit for quite some time before he hears TL’s welcome voice over the device.

 

“Supreme Leader! I’d begun to worry.”

 

“TL … perhaps you shouldn’t call me that any longer, as we both know I’m far from being the Supreme Leader right now.”

 

“Sir, if it’s all the same to you, you are _my_ Supreme Leader.”

 

Ben sighs and remembers how his mother had said that people needed someone to follow and he decides not to press. “Well then … perhaps you can assist me with something.”

 

“What do you need, sir?”

 

“I have the low-level codes for accessing the further outposts, but I’m going to need the latest changes if I’m going to get onto the _Finalizer_.”

 

“You’re coming? Here?” There’s hope and fear in the stormtrooper’s tone.

 

“Yes. I have to.”

 

“For the girl,” TL states simply.

 

“Yes.”

 

There’s a slight pause. “Sir, I think I can get my hands on something, but we don’t have the best contacts in Sector 5-”

 

“I do. Analyst Bast.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“When you approach him, tell him that you know about Hux’s father and that you’re working with me. If he … if he is less than supportive I’m afraid you’ll have to kill him.”

 

“So this is a risk.”

 

“I hope not, but I only spoke with him once. I think, however, that his desire for the truth will outweigh his loyalty to the First Order. I hope.”

 

“Analyst Bast …”

 

“Correll Bast. He’s a recent transfer. Make sure he understands that I sent you.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Thank you, TL.”

 

He’s about to turn off the comm when TL says, “Oh, and sir?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“We’re very close to getting one of our people stationed as a guard for your girl.”

 

Ben notices the change from _the_ girl to _his_ girl and it makes him smile. It’s a bit reckless, but he likes the idea that these people, who he has come to think of as _his_ people, understand who she is to him.

 

“That’s … that’s good.” His chest swells with a feeling he’s not experienced in a long time. Not since he lost his knights. Loyalty. Support … friendship. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

 

“No need to thank me, sir,” TL says with his usual open manner and Ben signs off with his … compatriot.

 

He sits for a moment, staring at the wall, wondering what will come after he’s found Rey. His fingers steeple and he contemplates his hopes for the galaxy before remembering the time.

 

There’s something he needs to do before the rest of the rebels wake up. It’s time to visit his mother’s rooms now that they’ve taken his crystal from Rey.

 

\---

 

It’s still very early when he opens his bedroom door. He finds a Resistance soldier asleep in a chair across from his door and he snorts. But then he feels eyes on him and he finds Rose Tico just down the hall, a blaster almost pointed at him.

 

“Going somewhere?”

 

He could easily pull that blaster from her hands or freeze her with the Force, but he knows that won’t help his cause. “I need to retrieve something.”

 

“I’m not supposed to let you leave,” she whispers, oddly mindful of the sleeping soldier.

 

Ben rolls his eyes. “I’m here of my own volition and I’m sure they told you why I came. Do you really think I’d bother with Rey as a ruse just to murder you in your beds? I’d certainly have come up with a better story.”

 

“Certainly more believable,” she says, her eyes still holding the iciness of last night.

 

Narrowing his eyes Ben growls, “Every word I’ve said is true.”

 

“I didn’t get to hear your explanations but Finn did tell me. Is this really all for … for love?” The hope in her tone melts some of the ice in her bearing.

 

“Yes,” he answers openly.

 

“Where were you going?” she asks warily.

 

“My mother’s rooms. There’s something there I wish … I wish to get for Rey.”

 

Now Rose’s eyes narrow and her brows draw together. “What?” she asks shortly.

 

Ben regards this Rose Tico and decides that honesty is really his only choice. “A ring. From my grandmother.”

 

Her whole countenance changes in a moment. “A ring? Like … an engagement ring?”

 

Well. Yes, As a matter of fact it is, but he doesn’t want to explain how he needs Rey to understand in a way that perhaps the necklace hadn’t explained. But this Rose seems almost eager at the prospect, so he finds himself admitting, “Yes, I want Rey to know just what my intentions are.”

 

“You want to marry her?” she asks with something approaching glee.

 

Yes, yes, he does. WIth his whole being he wants Rey to be his in every single way he can claim her. He just never imagined having to explain that to a tiny Resistance soldier.

 

“I do. Will you help me?” he entreats.

 

“You better not be playing me,” Rose warns, her hands tightening on her blaster.

 

“Ms. Tico, you may only know me as the man I once was, but I promise you that I would never play games with Rey’s heart.”

 

Rose tilts her head and looks at him for long time. Then she slowly nods. “I don’t know why, but I believe you.”

 

Shrugging, she starts down the corridor and then looks behind her, using her blaster to gesture him forward. “Well, come on!”

 

He doesn’t hesitate a second time and follows her obediently.

 

\---

 

“Look at all these gowns,” Rose exclaims as she stands in his mother’s closet. “I mean, I’ve never seen so many colors!”

 

Ben suppresses a snort, remembering scores of galas and all of his mother’s finery. He’s not going to be delayed by pretty dresses. He goes straight for the jewels and pulls out the top chest. Yes, this is where she’d always kept them.

 

Opening the chest, he looks down on the collection of rings and hesitates. He’d intended to pull his grandmother Padme’s wedding ring from the velvet, but then he pauses over a simpler ring with the Alderaanian crest. His mother’s adoptive parents … no, his mother’s _parents_ had given her this modest band when she’d come of age and he doesn’t really think as he pulls it from the other rings in the collection.

 

Yes, he could give her a bright, opulent thing, but the smooth band is so much more … Rey. It’s a rare metal of silver color with a blue gem embedded in it. The engravings of the Alderaanian crests on either side give it a regal, simple feel. He can feel his mother’s Force signature in the gem and he half-smiles.

 

This ring is _Rey_. It won’t snag and it meant so much to his mother. She’d told him she only stopped wearing it when she replaced it with her wedding ring. He flinches at the realization that that’s been lost forever. He wishes he could bury her properly …

 

Shuddering, he hunches over the rings and sees so many memories laid out before him. But there’s no time for that, not now. Maybe he’ll bring Rey here after, show her everything that’s now hers … but …

 

“Uhm … Ren?”

 

A nerve in his cheek jumps and Ben turns towards Rose. “If it’s all the same, I’d prefer you call me Ben.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He sighs. “What is it?”

 

“I … are you alright?”

 

Ben blinks, confused by the question. His silence prompts Rose to say, “I mean, you don’t … you don’t seem alright.”

 

Snorting, he shakes his head. “Of course I’m not alright. My mother … Rey …” He looks away.

 

“You … you really care about her, don’t you?”

 

He only inclines his head, before returning his attention to the jewelry because he doesn’t want to think about anything else.

 

Rose comes up to where he is and looks down on the rings. “May I see it? The one you picked?”

 

Slowly, Ben opens his hand and shows her the band and has a moment of embarrassment at how plain it is. Does Rey deserve-

 

“It’s perfect,” Rose breathes out.

 

“It’s not … too … simple?”

 

“No, not at all. She’s going to love it. Ben.”

 

They stand in silence, looking down on the collection of jewelry. The silence stretches and finally Ben asks, “Your sister … she died?”

 

Rose sucks in a breath of air and her face hardens. “No. Not yet.”

 

“I … alright.”

 

There’s nothing but quiet until Ben says, “Thank you … Rose.”

 

She doesn’t smile, but she doesn’t glare, either.

 

\---

 

“Okay, this is it,” Dameron says to no one in particular. They’re in the freighter Maz had prepared for Ben, and Lando is piloting. That had been quite a stand-off but Dameron had finally stood down with ill grace.

 

Ben is dressed as a mid-level officer and Finn is again dressed as a stormtrooper.

 

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come?” Rose asks.

 

Smirking, Ben gestures to the way her hair flips away from her cheeks. “Not exactly First Order standard issue.”

 

“Hey! I infiltrated the FIrst Order before!”

 

Ben’s eyebrow raises. He remembers reading about that mission. “And how well did that go?”

 

Luckily Rose has the grace to look chastened and keeps her gaze down.

 

“You’re up … B-Ben,” Lando calls.

 

The way Lando stumbles over his name fills him with conflict, pleased he’s trying but bitterly regretful that his actions ever made it necessary.

 

Ben shakes his head and takes the comm. “This is Captain Janus, we were being transferred to the _Finalizer_ when our transport had difficulty. All comms went dead and this freighter agreed to bring us to the nearest outpost.”

 

“Security code?” a bored voice crackles through the comm.

 

“Theta-nine-four-nu-seven-sigma,” Ben offers, providing the general code. There’s no way that Hux has managed to change all of the low level codes by now. His higher clearance is certainly been wiped, but he’d been preparing for a long time. He’ll get the codes he needs for the _FInalizer_ from TL.

 

“Cleared for landing on pad three.”

 

They all let out a breath of relief. Once he’s face-to-face with First Order personnel this all becomes much easier. He has to _see_ the individual for the mind trick to work.

 

\---

 

“And these are?” a tall, slender officer inquires with not so subtle distaste.

 

“They agreed to bring us to the nearest outpost for refueling.”

 

“Hmm.” The officer looks Lando, Rose, and Dameron up and down with a sneer. “I suppose this wrabble hoped to curry favor with the First Order.”

 

Ben sees the moment Dameron’s hackles rise and thinks to himself that Lando was right, they have no _idea_ how to be rebels. He steps in with a twitch of his hand. “You will authorize the refueling of their ship and send them on their way.”

 

The arrogant woman’s eyes go glassy and she repeats his instructions.

 

Ben looks around and finds them unobserved. He strides to Lando and pauses before clasping his shoulder. “It’s time. We’ll rendezvous in an hour.”

 

Lando’s lips move into a lopsided grin. “May the Force be with you, kid.”

 

Ben almost rolls his eyes but then he remembers how his irreverent father had always said that, too. He’d been stiff, but he’d always said it.

 

His tone is genuine when he catches Lando’s eyes, “And also with you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the marvelous ArtemisBare who is also a dear friend. I get to see her in May!
> 
> Thank you readers. I'm so sorry that I have only been able to write one chapter each week these past two weeks. It's harder to write when everything is coming together and work has been quite busy. I am tremendously grateful that everyone has been so patient and supportive. You really are so important to me and I cannot overstate that.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who asked me what he could bring me for lunch. I told him he'd left me well provisioned and I could almost hear the pout through the phone. He then texted, "But I like having a quest." And so he brought me a delicious BLT and a lunchtime smooch. I am a spoiled, spoiled princess.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and the Space Musketeers succeed on the first part of Mission: Save Space Eyre with a little hiccup. Then Darth Darcy struggles with a bit of self-loathing, as he does.

“NT-427,” the narrow officer with a vulpine face states suspiciously as he reviews his datapad. Lando, Dameron, and Rose have just launched with no issue, but Ben knows better than to think this will all go as easily.

 

They’d been _so close_ , almost to the First Order transport he’d nudged the requisition officer to assign him. The urgency to get this done, to get to Rey grows more unbearable with each passing moment and this snag makes his fingers curl into fists to keep from screaming.

 

Ben had pulled his hair back and tucked it under his First Order cap, grateful that the Resistance had managed to pull together uniforms and stormtrooper armor. His mother had always been well prepared for just about any eventuality, it’s why he’d gone to them in the first place. At least that’s what he tells himself. However, he has had to use the Force to constantly ensure that no one looks too closely at his face.

 

He’d thought it would be himself who would bring danger. His face isn’t exactly _anonymous_. But no, it would appear FN— _Finn’s_ the one drawing attention, even in his faceless trooper garb. The officer reminds him far too much of Hux for his liking, and he hopes he’s not unusually strong minded like that ginger bastard. Gods, what if Brendol Hux had more than one spawn?

 

Setting _that_ unpleasant thought aside, Ben focuses on the situation at hand—the officer looking Finn up and down as if he’s just had to eat something particularly unpleasant.

 

“It would appear that there is an issue with your records. Or with your designation. NT-427 was reported missing in action _three months ago_ ,” the officer says with narrowed eyes.

 

Ben’s blood runs cold as he sees the gaping hole in their plan. He hadn’t anticipated this level of scrutiny. His own moniker, Captain Janus, was something he just made up in the moment and chances are it will be the next item typed into that datapad. Hux has clearly increased security throughout the First Order and that is going to cause problems.

 

Waving his hand, Ben focuses intensely on this officer—Lieutenant Bren—he notes. The name makes a nerve jump in his cheek and he finds himself wondering again as to what, precisely Brendol Hux had gotten up to over the years.

 

“You will let us pass to our ship and note nothing irregular,” Ben intones.

 

Lieutenant Bren blinks and shakes his head. Damn. He’s throwing it off. Ben again flexes his hand and pushes into the man’s head, hard. For the first time in a long while his stomach turns at the inherent wrongness of tearing into a mind.

 

It’s an unnatural act, destroying someone’s defenses. It’s not inherently dark, but using it the way he does used to leave him quivering and ill. It’s been years since he’s allowed it to bother him. But now … now he can’t help but hear Dameron’s screams and the image of Rey’s tear-streaked face claws through his consciousness.

 

Will she ever forgive him for what he did to her that day on Starkiller Base? They’ve never really talked about it and he wonders if she bears scars on her psyche from how he’d tried to take the map from her. He was as gentle as he could have been, but she fought and he knows he hurt her.

 

Rey has experienced so much pain because of him. He’s taken so much from her, how can she possibly love him? He doesn’t even deserve to look on her. No, stop. He can’t do this, not now. He needs to see her safe and whole, there’s no time for these soul-quaking thoughts. He can’t survive without her …

 

Refocusing on the lieutenant’s mind, he finds a very similar terrain to that of Hux’s consciousness and he’s certain that these two are related. Hoping this won’t cause more problems down the line, he steals himself and rips the memory of himself and Finn from his mind, quelling the wave of nausea that follows.

 

Bren flinches and then calls out in pain, grabbing his head and swaying on his feet. Holding him up, Ben whispers furiously, “You will go to medical and seek care for a headache. You won’t look back.”

 

Thankfully, the lieutenant’s fractured mind accepts the order and he dazedly wanders off.

 

“Come on,” Ben hisses, walking swiftly to the small First Order craft.

 

“Wait, don’t we need codes?” Finn asks hurriedly.

 

“I have everything we need, now let’s go!”

 

They walk briskly to the transport and are on their way before any further complications can stop them.

 

_I’m coming Rey, I’m coming …_

 

\---

 

“How are we going to get the codes?” Finn asks in a panic as soon as he pulls off his helmet.

 

“I … I have a contact,” Ben finally admits. He’d not been willing to reveal TL and the stormtrooper rebellion to the Resistance until he had been certain that they wouldn’t betray him.

 

“What do you mean, a contact?” Finn asks with frustration.

 

Ben enters the last of the coordinates and they’re in hyperspace. He turns his chair until he’s looking directly at Finn.

 

“There’s … there’s a rebellion brewing in the First Order. Amongst the stormtroopers.”

 

Finn blinks then falls gracelessly into the co-pilot’s chair. “Tell me everything,” he demands with surprising force

 

And so Ben does.

 

\---

 

“Why … why did you even come to us if you have people on the inside?”

 

Ben’s jaw works and he tries to push away the truth of it. That he’d … he’d wanted to come _home_ , wanted to be part of Rey and his mother’s people. That’s not all of it … but when he’d been afraid and desperate, it was all he could think of to do.

 

Now that he’s had time to really analyze his situation, he sees that he probably could have managed this without the Resistance, but … then what? He wants … he wants all of this to _mean_ something. He wants Rey to have a home. People who love her. Much as he wants to be her only family, he knows she needs more. Besides … he wants to honor his mother. He wants to fix it, fix it _all_.

 

But he can’t put all of that into words so he settles on, “Because it was the right thing to do. It’s what Rey would want.”

 

“And you? What do _you_ want, Kylo Ren?” Finn asks in that keen way he has, seeing more than Ben would like.

 

Flinching in his First Order uniform, Ben lifts his gaze to hold Finn’s eyes. “To be my mother’s son again.”

 

Finn nods slightly. “Alright then. That I can understand … Ben.”

 

\---

 

They land on a deserted jungle planet, where Lando, Rose, and Dameron are waiting for them and they stomp down the ramp of the First Order craft.

 

“Any trouble?” Lando asks.

 

Ben starts to respond with, “No-”

 

“Just a First Order officer whose brain might be scrambled,” Finn cuts in.

 

Glaring at Finn, Ben looks away, surprised by the hot frisson of shame that runs through him. “The mind trick didn’t work on him.”

 

“I don’t really care if another First Order lackey can’t remember what day it is,” Dameron says dismissively.

 

Finn’s lips purse and he looks at the ground.

 

“Hey, buddy, I didn’t think, I’m sorry,” Dameron says as he slings his arm over Finn’s shoulders.

 

Finn looks at Dameron and says, “They don’t … most of them don’t even want to be there. Even the officers. They just don’t know any other way. Speaking of that … Ben was telling me-”

 

“Ben?” Dameron asks with a raised brow.

 

Finn crosses his arms, pulling away from Dameron’s friendly embrace. “Yeah. _Ben_ was telling me that the stormtroopers are organizing. That they don’t want to be under the First Order’s thumb any longer. They’re going to help us.”

 

Lando whistles. “Well I’ll be an Ewok’s uncle. Didn’t see that coming.”

 

Dameron focuses on Ben. “Is this true?”

 

“Yes. They got me off of the _Finalizer_.”

 

Dameron strokes his chin. “What do they want?”

 

Ben looks at him dumbly and throws his hands up. “Freedom, I suppose.”

 

“You’ve never asked?” Finn interjects, his eyes sharp.

 

“It hasn’t come up,” Ben says defensively.

 

Rose, who has been examining the First Order vessel, joins the conversation. “Well maybe you _should_ ask. They could be great allies, or they’ll sell us out if they think they’ll get a better deal from Hux.”

 

Ben frowns. He can’t really see TL doing that, but TL isn’t their leader. His lips pull into a frown. “Yeah, alright. We need to know more.”

 

Dameron looks at him in challenge, “We?”

 

Pulling himself to his full height, Ben says, “ _We_.”

 

\---

 

Ben sends the alert and waits, surrounded by his Resistance ‘friends’.

 

“Sir?” TL asks cautiously after a few minutes.

 

“Hello, TL. Listen, I’m with allies. Friends.” He hopes that TL understands not to reveal too much. He wants to trust his new allies, he truly does. But he won’t trust anyone with Rey’s safety. There’s nothing he won’t do, no trust he won’t betray in order to see her safe. He knows that Dameron at least would let Rey parish for his cause. He pushes aside the knowledge that that’s not really fair, that this man appears to have feelings for his beloved and stays his course.

 

There’s a long pause. “You’re sure they can be trusted?”

 

“They’re Resistance, they have no love for the First Order.” _Trust them. To a point._

 

“Or us,” TL says pointedly.

 

Ben is about to try to explain when Finn cuts in, “This is FN-2187.”

 

“Oh … oh … I didn’t realize. Uh … sir, it’s such an honor to meet you, even like this,” TL stumbles over his words. “You … you’re why we’re doing this. Once you broke away, it showed us we could, and one-by-one more of us have shaken off our conditioning. Thank you … Finn.”

 

Finn swallows thickly. “You … you’re welcome.”

 

“So we may proceed?” Ben asks irritably. Some part of him feels a savage satisfaction that Hux’s pet project is in fact a failure. A clone army never would have done this. Never mind that he’s benefiting from said failure.

 

“Yes, yes of course, sir,” TL responds.

 

“I should have asked this sooner, but what do the stormtroopers want?”

 

“Want?” TL’s confusion is palpable.

 

“Yes, why are you helping me, what is the purpose behind this rebellion?”

 

There’s a long pause and Ben grows nervous. Everything will fall apart without the stormtroopers’ help and he _has_ to get Rey back. His heart starts to race and his mind begins to conjure images of what could be happening to her _right now_.

 

He’s been able to keep these thoughts at bay—for the most part—knowing he had to focus on getting to her. But now that he’s facing a flaw in the plan his mind is flooded with horrific ideas and he feels like the breath has been pulled from his lungs.

 

Just as the panic is about to overwhelm him, TL says, “We want a say in our lives.”

 

Ben closes his eyes briefly and forces himself to even his breathing. “And what do you expect for helping me?”

 

“I … nothing, sir.” TL’s tone sounds almost hurt.

 

“TL, I didn’t mean it like that … I mean … what happens next?”

 

“We just want things to change. We’re tired of all the death. None of us want to be used like that any longer.”

 

Dameron interjects, “You want to bring down the First Order from within?”

 

“If that’s what it takes, yes,” TL says resolutely. “We’re planning to use your girl’s rescue as the first strike. We’re placed to gain control of the _Finalizer_.”

 

Finn catches each of the Resistance member’s eyes and soon they’re nodding. It’s a bold plan, but it can only help ensure the success of their mission. The chaos of a coup is just what they’ll need to get Rey to safety.

 

“I think we can work with that,” Dameron says, admiration in his tone.

 

“Now that we have that out of the way, TL, have you had any success contacting Analyst Bast?” Ben asks in impatiently. He doesn’t really care what comes after he has Rey back in his arms where she belongs. The only reason he’d bothered asking was to get everyone to trust each other.

 

“Yes, he’s … uh … _eager_ to help.” Ben smiles at that, remembering how very enthusiastic Analyst Bast had been.

 

“Good, that’s good. We need codes to get through the shields and access wherever she’s being held.”

 

“We had assumed that and we’re on it. Bast has almost broken through the encryptions and we have two troopers placed on your girl’s guard duty.”

 

Clutching the comm tightly, Ben asks, “You do?” He can’t hide his desperate need to know how she’s fairing.

 

“Yes, and before you ask, she’s doing well. She’s got Hux chasing his tail and I must tell you, Supreme Leader, we’re all looking forward to meeting her. Every time he leaves her rooms he’s red in the face and … well … we’re all rooting for her.”

 

Ben slumps into his chair as he lets out a long breath. Oh, his beautiful Rey. He knows she’s magnificent, that she’d fight so hard, but the confirmation that she’s alright makes his eyes sting with relief.

 

“Thank you,” he murmurs into the comm, almost forgetting he’s observed.

 

“We’ll have those codes for you by tomorrow. We’re in place. When you arrive we’re going to get you to your girl and take the _Finalizer_.”

 

Ben nods, not able to find his voice and lets Finn take the comm from his hand. Tomorrow. She’ll be safe tomorrow. He’s going to have her back and he’s never letting her go ever again. Reaching into his pocket, he rolls Rey’s ring between his fingers, centering himself.

 

“TL, you’re a good man. I’m looking forward to shaking your hand,” Finn says.

 

“Ah, thank you Finn.”

 

Finn frowns slightly. “TL?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Is that your name? Do you … do you want us to call you something else?”

 

“TL is fine,” the stormtrooper says genially.

 

With a furrowed brow Finn asks, “You’re sure?”

 

“It’s all I’ve known, and it’s what my people call me.”

 

“Alright, TL.”

 

“Good luck, Finn.”

 

\---

 

“So we have everything we need to do this tomorrow,” Dameron says, looking at their little band of rebels.

 

Slowly, heads nod, all but Ben’s. Something feels … off and he’s not sure how he’s going to sleep. There’s an urgency in the Force that makes the back of his brain itch. She’s been in First Order custody for days and he feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin.

 

“Ben?” Rose asks.

 

He shakes his head and says, “Yes, yes, we’ll go tomorrow. Everything is in place.”

 

“Alright then. Everyone gets some sleep,” Lando suggests, turning to go to Maz’s ship. They all starts to break away but Ben just stands there looking at his feet.

 

Rey … Maker, how he’s failed her. He’s fairly certain she’s relatively safe but he can’t shake the knowledge that she’d been beaten nearly to death, placed in Hux’s clutches, all because he didn’t do the right thing on the _Supremacy_. She’d offered him a way out and he’d been so blind.

 

“Ben?” Rose nudges again.

 

He looks up, blearily.

 

“Are you … are you alright?”

 

He tries to nod but finds himself shaking his head.

 

“What is it? I mean, we’re going to do this, she’s going to be okay.”

 

“I … I know. I just … if I’d never …” _Joined Snoke, killed my father, pushed Rey away ..._

 

Rose sighs. “Yeah … a lot of things wouldn't have happened.”

 

“Like your sister.”

 

Her expression closes quickly. “Not yet, Solo.”

 

“Okay, okay.”

 

“Look, you’re doing the right thing now. Get it together, get some sleep so you can start making it better. No more moping.”

 

Ben can’t help the slight smile that pulls at his lips. “Alright … alright.” Rose is right, he’s no good to Rey if he lets himself fall apart. TL said she was doing well and he’ll be with her again in just a few short hours.

 

Rose gives him one last look and she turns on her heel and moves off to Maz’s ship.

 

Ben trudges off to the First Order craft to try to sleep.

 

\---

 

Sitting in the small berth, he holds her ring in his hand and rubs his thumb along the metal. The texture of the Alderaanian crest feels pleasing against his skin.

 

It’s so easy to imagine it on her finger, a clear statement that she’s his and he’s hers. Maker, he hates that they’ve taken his crystal from her. It had calmed him to know that she had a symbol of his love with her always.

 

His eyes clench shut as he imagines them roughly tearing it from her neck and he vows to get it back for her. Did they take her lightsaber, too?

 

Of course they did and he envisions placing them both in her hands, making her whole again.

 

Fiddling with Rey’s ring, he looks off into nowhere, not focusing on anything. Then he feels it, the bond opening. He whips his head to the side and finds her pacing. Quickly, he puts the ring back in his pocket.

 

“Rey?” he calls out.

 

Her face turns to his and he gasps. Her lip is split and half her face is mottled with a deep purple hand-print.

 

He rushes to her, his trembling hand just barely touching her bruised flesh. “Beloved …” he breathes out. This must have just happened … TL had said she was safe ...

 

_Don’t worry. I’ve had worse._

 

“I’m going to make him _suffer_ ,” he snarls.

 

Her eyes are haunted when she nods vaguely.

 

“Tomorrow. I’m getting you out tomorrow. I promise. Just hold on. Please, my love,” he pleads.

 

_I know. I know you’re coming._ There’s a bleakness in her tone that make his chest feel hollow.

 

That’s when he notices she’s moving stiffly. “What … what else did he do to you?” Ben asks fearfully.

 

_It doesn’t matter._ She sounds … desolate. Force, what did Hux _do_?

 

“Please … please tell me … _show_ me.”

 

Her eyes swim with trepidation as she turns and lifts her shirt, showing lash after lash across the delicate skin of her back.

 

Against his will, he sees her held down, Hux opening her flesh again and again. A pained, broken sound escapes him, unable to find words. He knows all too well the feeling of the whip and his knees buckle beneath him.

 

“No, no, no,” he shudders harshly against her abdomen, his arms coming around her thighs, pulling her to him.

 

She curls around him, stroking his hair. _Shhhhh. I’m fine. I can endure. I’m staying alive until you’re here._

 

“I’m so sorry. Oh, gods, how can you ever forgive me?”

 

_There’s nothing to forgive. This is Hux. Besides, it could have been so much worse … two of the troopers, they … they were kind. One of them slipped me some bacta._

 

Ben’s head hangs low and he’s so grateful for TL and his people. But he can’t find his way out of the guilt and his ring for Rey burns in his pocket. He doesn’t deserve her. How could he have been so arrogant as to think he could ever be worthy of her?

 

This is all because of him. He’d made her a target, and he knows Hux is being his cruelest because it will hurt _him_. All his fault. All his fault.

 

He looks up at her broken, beaten face and he knows he’ll only ever bring her pain. He only fails those that he loves. Nothing … he’s nothing … worse than nothing.

 

_Please Ben … stand up and just hold me._

 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says lowly, stumbling to his feet and backing away. He shouldn’t even touch her. He doesn’t deserve to.

 

_You won’t. Please._

 

He can’t deny her anything and though he knows this is a blessing he has not earned, he enfolds her in his arms, so gently. She rubs her face against his chest and he strokes her hair softly.

 

_I trust you._

 

Her words crack him wide open. She shouldn’t trust him, not with _anything_. He is the architect of everything that’s happened to her but he knows she needs him so he just holds her closer.

 

“Oh Rey …” _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry ..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare for nudging me in just the right direction on this chapter!
> 
> Thank you my beautiful readers! We're so close to the Big Confrontation! I'm exceptionally grateful for all of your frankly astounding support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, for not only taking such wonderful care of me, but also my mother. We share a duplex and he routinely makes special dinners for my mom with all of her favorites.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Lando have a moment then he and the Space Musketeers infiltrate the Finalizer. Everything goes smoothly and Space Eyre is saved! What? No, the Ben Solo Pain Train picks up speed again and everything hurts.

It’s still dark outside when he throws off the covers in the narrow berth of the First Order shuttle. He’s tried to sleep, maybe managing an hour or two, but all he could think about was Rey’s marked flesh, the soft skin of her back scored with Hux’s cruelty.

 

She’d tried to comfort him and only once she’d faded had he realized how selfish he’d been. Rey was the one in pain, alone, _afraid_ , and he’d make her care for _him_ , assuage _his_ guilt. He sighs deeply and frowns. He won’t make that mistake again. Maker, he hopes he never has the chance to.

 

He wishes he could go back and do it all over again, be strong for her. Too often he finds himself falling apart in her arms. It’s been such a long time since he was able to just let go and Rey’s welcoming, soothing light makes it _so easy_ to crumble at her feet. But Rey has her fair share of scars, too and it’s … it’s not right that she bear both of their burdens. He must find a way to handle himself better.

 

There’s just too much swirling in his head, filling his chest. His skin feels too small and he wants to scream, destroy just as much as he wants to fall to his knees and weep.

 

Shaking himself, he pulls on his boots and stomps down the ramp into the early morning darkness. The moons are still out, but the sky is tinged indigo at the horizon, the sun on its way.

 

He hadn’t grabbed his jacket and there’s a chill in the air. It makes his skin tingle and cools some of the helplessness in his blood. Trying to calm down, he begins to breathe in and out, using long forgotten Jedi techniques. _Pull it together, Ben._

 

It’s like he’s been traveling in hyperspace for days and parts of him haven’t caught up yet, no sense of cohesion. The breathing exercises aren’t working, and his heart starts to race. Soon, his chest is rising and falling rapidly, little pants of desperation escaping him. The sting in his eyes won’t stop and he’s godsdamned trembling.

 

He’s no good to her like this, he has to calm down!

 

Bending over, he puts his hands on his knees and wills his heart to slow. All the Force at his fingertips and all he can see is her beautiful body being torn and rent asunder. His hands clench and a bellow is gathering in his core.

 

Lando’s “Hey, kid,” startles him out of his eminent breakdown and he stands quickly.

 

Not even close to under control, Ben just nods shakily in acknowledgement.

 

“I’m not gonna ask you if you’re okay. Of course you’re not okay. Hell, you probably haven’t been okay since you came up to my chest.”

 

A flat chuckle escapes Ben. It’s not really funny, but it’s so true he has no other way to respond. In fact, the only time he’s felt okay since his childhood has been when he’s with Rey.

 

“No … I’m not alright. But I have to be.”

 

“Yeah, you do. Something tells me you’ll be right with yourself when it matters though. Love does something screwy to Solo men.”

 

Ben again finds himself laughing weakly, the absurdity of all of it catching up with him.

 

“I know he made mistakes, but your dad loved you,” Lando says earnestly.

 

“I know,” Ben responds softly. And he does. Han Solo may not have known how to be a father to his powerful, conflicted son, but Ben had _felt_ his father’s love through his hand on his cheek on that terrible day.

 

“Your mother too. Never saw a man fall so hard … though you’re making me wonder. Maybe it’s a family trait.” Lando smiles rakishly.

 

Something about what he has with Rey being associated with his parents’ relationship makes him flinch. It sparks a memory of his mother hinting that his father hadn’t been altogether faithful and he bristles at the comparison. He doesn’t really want to know, and yet a part of him needs to. His family is remaking itself in his memory and this time he wants to get it right.

 

“I would never betray Rey the way he betrayed Mother,” Ben says lowly, accusation weaving in every word.

 

Lando’s eyes narrow. “I know he travelled a lot, but it worked for them.”

 

“Did the other women _work_ for them, too?” The chaos in Ben’s head has his words just tumbling out.

 

Lando pulls back, his eyes widening, the easy smile gone completely. “Kid, I dunno what people told you, but Han only had eyes for Leia.”

 

“It’s the other parts I’m worried about,” Ben grumbles. Lando’s expression hardens and Ben decides to explain. “My mother … she said something that made it seem that there had been others.”

 

Lando takes in a long-suffering sigh. “Oh. That.”

 

Years of resentment for his father well up in him and it’s all too easy to believe the worst of him in that moment. All the times he’d found his mother crying after one of their fights, how he’d leave for weeks at a time. It feels painfully _obvious_.

 

Ben’s nostrils flare and his fingers curl into fists. “I knew it,” he spits. Of course Han Solo would be so selfish. Force, he never should have tried to believe better of the man.

 

“You don’t know bantha shit,” Lando throws back.

 

“I remember her tears,” he says bitterly.

 

“Look, I’m not trying to say that they didn’t have problems, but Han never touched another woman from the very moment he met your mother. Even when she was hissing in his face and pushing him away.”

 

The sincerity in Lando’s tone confuses him. If nothing ever happened, then what had his mother been talking about, what was Lando referring to?”

 

Lando scrubs his face with his hands. Slowly, he begins, “Your mother was very young when they met, your father was … not.”

 

Ben’s hands flail. “I know that already.”

 

“Yeah, well, before he met Leia, your dad didn’t exactly … say no when the opportunity arose for, uh … companionship.”

 

As distasteful as he finds the idea, it doesn’t surprise him one bit. But he doesn’t see how this explains what his mother had been hinting at so Ben just says, “Uhm, okay.”

 

A frustrated huff of breath escapes Lando. “And how would a woman with … no … er _experience_ feel about that? Being the last in a very long line of women?”

 

Oh. Oh! He imagines how Rey would feel if he’d come to her well used and he sees it all quite clearly. What would it do to him if Rey had a history of many lovers? He has to push the thought away quickly, too painful to even contemplate.

 

His face scrunches up from this far too detailed understanding of his parents’ intimacy. He has no desire to envision them in any situation even remotely sexual.

 

“I see.”

 

Lando looks at Ben keenly. “So no more of that crap about your dad stepping out on your mom. I know they made all kinds of mistakes, but that was _not_ one of them.”

 

Ben nods and realizes this frankly bizarre conversation has at least pulled him from the spiral of panic that was pulling him under. For a long while the two men simply look up at the fading stars, a comforting silence between them. Though the crimes of Kylo Ren hangs over them both, their long, genuine history is beginning to breathe again.

 

A small smile ghosts Lando’s face as he turns to Ben and says, “Tell me about your girl.”

 

Looking over at the man he used to call uncle, Ben hesitates. His heart swells with devotion and his expression grows soft as he tries to explain _Rey_.

 

\---

 

Centered, he’s feeling centered. Piloting the First Order craft with Dameron as his co-pilot, Ben marvels at how Lando had managed to clear his head. Talking of Rey, trying to give words to his extraordinary, exceptional, beautiful Rey had helped him remember how strong she is.

 

He’s almost ashamed at how lost in his own fear and misery he had become. It was self-indulgent and not in any way helpful to Rey.

 

As he’d told Lando of her life on Jakku, he’d puffed up with pride at the other man’s open admiration. Yes. _His_ beloved is this fearless, resilient creature and she’s chosen _him_.

 

Ben feels strong and purposeful as they enter hyperspace.

 

He reaches out through the Force, hoping she’ll feel just a bit of how completely committed he is to her.

 

_Soon, beloved. I’ll be with you soon._

 

\---

 

“Captain Janus, right this way, sir.”

 

TL and a squad of stormtroopers had been waiting for them when they’d landed on the _Finalizer_ with no issues, the codes and handily hacked incoming schedule confirming their legitimacy.

 

Ben looks around furtively. If anyone were to recognize him, it would be here. He can sense Rey already and it’s difficult not to just break into a run, Force push any who get in his path. But he keeps himself in check, his fingers tapping his thigh impatiently.

 

They’re all in First Order uniforms and they follow TL quickly. Ben is relieved to see that Dameron and Rose know how to carry themselves. He hadn’t been worried about Finn and Lando. One officer looks at Ben curiously and Ben uses the Force to nudge his attention elsewhere.

 

Swiftly, they’re ushered into a small communication station where they’re greeted with several suits of stormtrooper armor.

 

Before he can ask, TL offers, “Your faces are too recognizable, even Mr. Calrission’s. He left quite an impression with the Empire history buffs.”

 

Ben rolls his eyes at the way Lando preens.

 

Finn steps forward, putting his hand out, “Thank you for helping us, TL.”

 

Even though TL is wearing his mask, Ben can almost feel his grin as he grasps Finn’s hand. “A real honor to meet you, _Finn_.”

 

“Likewise,” the former stormtrooper says with a large smile.

 

“TL?” Ben gets his friend’s attention. He’s desperate to get to Rey, but he wants more information, wants to assure himself that once he has her back he’s actually going to be able to get Rey off of the ship in one piece.

 

He turns back to him and says attentively, “Yes, sir?”

 

Ben grimaces, not liking the honorific. “Please … please call me Ben.”

 

TL stares at him for a while but he nods slowly. “If that’s what you prefer, sir, uh … Ben.”

 

“Thank you. I wondered … your leader … who is he?” Ben has put a great deal of trust in TL and he’s wary of what their leader could do to cause trouble.

 

“Well, _she’s_ a captain.”

 

Finn drops his helmet and Ben closes his eyes, a completely irrational thought taking him over. _Not Phasma. Not Phasma._

 

TL looks between them but continues. “Uh, her designation is ZD-307, but we call her Zed.”

 

Both Ben and Finn’s shoulders drop in relief. He knows she’s dead and yet in that moment it seemed like it was all going to come crashing down. Ben says, “And Zed knows what’s happening?” He really hopes she’s not going to derail this.

 

“Every single thing. She watched you, for a long time.”

 

The idea is unsettling. He knows he was not precisely … stable.

 

“So this rebellion has been brewing for quite some time then?”

 

“Just in Zed’s mind. It was Finn’s defection that made her think it was possible. She approached a few of us and it just … grew.” TL gives a slight shrug. “Now we’ve infiltrated deeply enough that anyone sent for reconditioning is sent to us instead. If they aren’t interested, reconditioning takes care of the memory. If they are, we just fake the logs.”

 

Ben nods, impressed with the simplicity of it all. “And how many are on your … _our_ side?”

 

“Approximately 40%, give or take. Your Analyst Bast has been invaluable. We could never hope to take the _Finalizer_ without him. He’s mapped out a whole scheme of which sections of the ship to close off, trapping large portions of personnel. We’re hoping to do this with minimal casualties.”

 

“And in the chaos we’ll be able to slip away unnoticed.” Again Ben nods, satisfied that he was right to trust TL.

 

“Right then,” Dameron interjects. “Let’s get this done.”

 

Only then does Ben note the stress lining Dameron’s expression and he’s forced to remember the pilot’s _feelings_ for Rey and his face twists into a sour expression.

 

It doesn’t matter. Rey is his and he is Rey’s.

 

\---

 

Analyst Bast has managed to handle the duty roster such that when the guard change happens they’ll all be in place.

 

As they march to her deck, Ben tamps down on his panic. He can feel her in the Force but he’s not been able to contact her. The bond is strange terrain, changing nearly every day, but he’d hoped he would be able to communicate with her through it once he was on the ship. She knows they’re coming today, but he wasn’t able to give her any more precise information. But apparently proximity doesn’t cause it to open and he only gets shades and impressions.

 

Rey is … angry, but there’s hope laced through her fear and fury. Soon, so soon he’ll have her close and he’ll never let her go again, not for the rest of their lives.

 

This _should_ go easily. All six of her guards will be replaced with her rescuers so all they need to do is place her in binders and walk her to the hangar. TL will give the signal for the coup to begin and Ben can handle anyone they find along the way with the Force. It’s straightforward and simple. Maker, he hopes it’s simple.

 

\---

 

In his stormtrooper garb, Ben slips into her rooms. He’d wanted this moment to be private so they’d all agreed that Ben would call them in when it was time to escape.

 

The light is dim and he can feel her, bright and oh so light. But … something is wrong. He focuses completely on Rey’s Force signature. She’s almost throbbing with … panic? He’s about to remove his helmet when he hears a horribly familiar voice.

 

“Aren’t you a little tall for a stormtrooper?”

 

The sneering, obsequious tone grates along Ben’s nerve endings. “Hux,” he growls, continuing to remove his helmet.

 

“That’s Emperor Hux to you, boy,” the ginger bastard gloats as he moves from the shadows.

 

Ben’s eyes widen as he takes in Rey’s slight form being manhandled along, a blaster to her temple. Her split lip is mostly healed thanks to the smuggled bacta, but the ugly bruising on her face remains. She’s still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and he wants to rush to her, feel her real and solid in his arms.

 

“Ben!” she calls out, blinding hope rippling along the Force.

 

Hux wraps his other hand around her throat and squeezes, hard. Rey struggles against his hold and he increases the pressure at her neck and her face grows red. Ben advances on them and the duplicitous general grinds the muzzle of the blaster into Rey’s soft skin, his eyes glinting with malice.

 

Rey ceases struggling and Ben stops moving towards her, holding his arms out in placation. But he still promises, “I’m going to rip you apart with my bare hands.”

 

Hux scoffs. “Do attempt it, it really would be so exciting to see you try,” he taunts. “I do believe I can pull this trigger faster than you can use your parlor tricks on me. And of course, I am always prepared.”

 

In that moment, scores of stormtroopers show themselves from behind the furniture and pour out from her bedroom. Ben curses himself for being so honed in on Rey. He would have sensed the additional stormtroopers if he hadn’t been trying so hard to discern her state.

 

Again, numbers have him at the disadvantage, but Ben is certain he will find a way out of this for her. For them. There is no other option.

 

Her eyes are calm, trusting, and he hopes he can live up to the confidence he sees in her posture. _I love you, gods, I love you._

 

Her lips twitch and he hopes that she’s heard him.

 

Hux jerks his head and two stormtroopers take Ben by the arms while a third kicks his legs from behind, forcing him to his knees. Ah yes, he remembers this familiar position, just like when Hux first took over the _Finalizer_ not a week ago. Ben suppresses the smirk that badly wants to form. _I hope you enjoyed your few_ days _as_ Emperor _, Hux._

 

“Kylo Ren … we have much to discuss. You murdered our Supreme Leader then took the mantle for yourself. When the First Order discovered your treachery you fled. We still don’t know how you managed to convince stormtroopers to help you, but I promise you, any oversight in their training has been addressed.”

 

Ben keeps his expression blank, not wanting to give up TL and his allies. But he takes satisfaction from the knowledge that very soon Hux will see just how very wrong he is about that.

 

“I do imagine with enough … encouragement, you’ll share that bit of intelligence.”

 

_In your dreams._

 

“Now, while I’ve very much _enjoyed_ her company,” Hux leers, licking his lips, “I do believe this little diversion has come to an end.”

 

If Ben hadn’t already known that was a bluff he’s certain it would have caused him to react so he pulls against his captors’ hold and snarls, “If you hurt her, in _any_ way, I will _end_ you.” That, at least is true.

 

She’s only a few feet away and it’s killing him to see her trapped like this, Hux’s filthy hands all over her. If only he could alert TL to begin the attack. He knows he could get to her in the chaos, he just needs a brief opening. Something, anything to distract Hux.

 

Hux chuckles and it makes the hairs on the back of Ben’s neck stand up. “Oh, poor Ben Solo … you see, Rey and I have come to an understanding,” he says as he nuzzles along her neck. He feels Rey’s disgust through the Force and it isn’t an act when he scrambles to his feet, easily throwing off the two stormtroopers holding him.

 

“Get your perverted hands off of her!” Ben yells, hoping that it will alert his compatriots that now would be a good time. He just needs a moment, just a moment. If he and Rey could take on the Praetorian Guard, two dozen stormtroopers should be easy.

 

“Tut, tut. So predictable. Bring them in!” Hux calls. “You see, when my dear younger brother told me about a strange incident where he couldn’t remember the afternoon, I knew you were coming. It wasn’t all that difficult to figure out what you were up to once I had the serial number of the craft you stole.”

 

He feels ice travel along his spine as he understands that Hux allowed them to come on board, that perhaps he knows everything.

 

“TL-8176,” the general barks and the doors to the corridor open. Gods no, please don’t let him have taken everyone down with him. TL strides in and looks around warily.

 

“The rest of your guard detail are traitors,” Hux states flatly as six stormtroopers rush out the doorway. “Assist your compatriots in bringing them in.”

 

“Yes, sir,” TL swiftly replies.

 

Stupid, stupid, they were so stupid to bring so many rebels aboard. Ben should have come alone. Now they’re just going to die and for what? For what?

 

Once Hux has them all before him he sighs. “This is so tedious. Do remove your helmets. I find I’m rather curious who the esteemed Kylo Ren managed to entice into his service.”

 

One by one, his new allies remove their masks and Ben takes the moment to look at Rey.

 

Stunning. She’s still stunning. Standing so straight and proud, her expression betraying nothing and her eyes full of only defiance. But then her gaze darts to his and they soften immediately. If he dies this day, he will die knowing that he was loved. That he was seen.

 

He holds her eyes, trying so hard to make sure she understands that even if these are their final moments, he will find her in the Force. Nothing, nothing can keep them apart.

 

Hux’s rather inelegant snort brings Ben’s attention back to the rebels who so naively followed him.

 

“The traitor. Again. And I see you still have your little friend with you,” Hux says airily before gesturing to a stormtrooper. “Her first.”

 

“Don’t touch her, you worm!” Finn exclaims as the trooper pulls her from the group and raises his blaster.

 

Hux actually laughs. “Worm? Really? Is that the best you can come up with? What about murderer, snake, _monster_?” he growls the last word with pride.

 

“Hux!” Ben calls out, needing to stop this, buy time, anything.

 

The ginger bastard’s head swivels swiftly, his eyes boring into Ben’s. He gestures and the stormtrooper lowers the blaster pointed at Rose. “Ah, yes. The main event. I must admit I don’t particularly care what happens to this rebel scum so long as _you_ suffer. Besides, this way they can watch what I have planned for their dear little Jedi.”

 

He smiles cruelly as he strokes his thumb along Rey’s belly. Never taking his eyes from Ben’s, he almost croons, “In fact, let’s see how nicely you can _beg_.”

 

It’s only then that he notices the glinting knife in Hux’s other hand, pressed against Rey’s abdomen.

 

“Stop!” Ben cries. She’s already endured so much … no more … no more.

 

Hux shifts until he has the knife held to Rey’s cheek and the blaster pushed so hard against her temple that a trickle of blood slides down her face.

 

Rey’s eyes remain steady and Ben isn’t sure he deserves how much she believes in him. She clearly trusts that he will save her. Save them. He has no idea what to do, but Rey’s calm keeps him from losing focus. Today he will be the man Rey thinks he can be. Today he will be worthy of her.

 

Ben holds Rey’s eyes intensely as she keeps from flinching when Hux draws the blade along her cheek, leaving a deep cut. He would give anything at all to have that knife tearing along his own flesh, but he can only watch.

 

Blood oozes rapidly, spilling down along her perfect skin.

 

She never makes a sound, keeping Ben trapped in her gaze. _I trust you._

 

“Red really does suit you, my dear,” Hux muses then his eyes lock on Ben’s, smoldering with pure hatred. “Now, _Kylo Ren_ , let’s _really_ play, shall we?”

 

_I trust you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who continues to be an absolute rockstar. 
> 
> Thank you readers! Your kudos and comments keep me going and I desperately wish I could throw that Reylo tea party I fantasize about. Earl Grey and scones for everyone! Also, I've started another story, 'Powerless' that can be found here on Ao3 under my user name. I'll be updating 'Unbidden' on Mondays and 'Powerless' on Thursdays. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who almost made me miss my train because he wasn't ready to let me go this morning.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy has had it and he's going to save Space Eyre no matter what the cost.

Hux shifts the knife, now stained with her blood, and roughly tilts her face, readying to slice into her other cheek. Watching Hux’s perfectly manicured fingers dig into her delicate skin makes Ben’s own skin crawls with revulsion. He’s going to take Hux apart, piece by piece, use that knife to whittle him down to a mewling husk.

 

He knows he needs to wait until the right time, but the thought of watching her be hurt further makes him tremble with suppressed fury and he growls low in his throat.

 

The ginger monstrosity smiles cruelly at Ben. “Ah, ah, ah, you wouldn’t want me to blast her pretty little brains all over the floor because you _still_ can’t control yourself, now would you?”

 

Ben’s muscles are clenched so tightly that he’s shaking, using all of what remains of his control to keep himself in check. Survival is what matters. Her survival.

 

Hux nods imperiously. “That’s what I thought.”  He holds the knife against her remaining unblemished cheek, boasting, “You’ll be so _lovely_ when I’m finished with you, Jedi whore.”  

 

Rey flinches and he sees a lifetime of ridicule spin out in front of him. She’s _used_ to this treatment and he can’t _bear_ it. Something inside Ben snaps and _howls_. He doesn’t _care_ that he should be patient, wait for TL to be able to act, he can’t watch this again, more of her broken. Even if it means his death, he _will_ stop this.

 

His father died at his own hands, his mother ripped from this world by his allies. Rey, his reason, his _meaning_ has endured mind-numbing anguish at the hands of the organization he helped _create_ and he won’t allow one more atrocity to befall her. The tide turns now, here, _today_.

 

He holds her eyes, just as he did in the throne room, hoping she can read his thoughts, know how much he loves her, know that he will do anything, sacrifice _everything_ , if only she can have the beautiful life long denied her. All that matters is _Rey_.

 

Time almost seems to stop as he drinks her in, hoping this isn’t his last chance to lose himself in her exquisite face. There’s so much trust and love in her gaze and, Maker, his arms _ache_ to hold her.

 

In that moment out of time, he imagines fulfilling all of his promises to her, building a life, a _family_ with her. He’ll make sure she is bathed in affection and devotion, smoothe over all of the scars her parents left drawn across her soul. He _will_ protect her, stand between her and everything that threatens her. Wrap her in safety and fill her up with everything she should have had. She’ll never be hungry, never be alone again. His entire purpose is _her_.

 

But then Hux’s knife begins its journey, and time is again moving properly. The blade digs into her delicate skin and the snarling, protective beast she awoke in him strains against its leash.

 

Now, this stops now.

 

Her fathomless eyes flash with understanding and the Force reverberates with their shared intent. Ben’s hand snaps out, a blur of movement, just as Rey twists in her captor’s hold, her knee aiming between his legs. That’s his girl! _Neither_ of them are willing to allow this to continue.

 

Rey’s knee connects with Hux’s groin as the blaster flies into Ben’s outstretched hand. The general groans as he doubles over in pain and Rey’s lips twist in satisfaction.

 

In that moment Ben hears TL yell, “Now!” and half of the stormtroopers turn their weapons towards Hux who is still gasping for air.

 

Rey starts running towards Ben and he holds his arms wide, ready to catch her. She’s smiling brilliantly and Ben’s whole body thrums with anticipation. The pull between them is a living, physical thing and he’s striding towards her, unwilling to wait one second more to have her safe in his embrace. He will spend his life making these blood and pain-soaked days up to her.

 

Yes, yes, he’s going to have her back in his arms! There’s a flash of movement, but all Ben sees is _Rey_. She’s a mess of bruises and cuts, but her eyes are bright and full of yearning. He’s almost to her when she stumbles, her eyes going impossibly wide. The Force swirls with dread. A thin trickle of blood drips down from the corner of her mouth and a gasped “Oh,” escapes her lips.

 

She pitches forward Ben is there, catching her, fear racing up his spine. Has she been poisoned? Did Hux do this before he’d even arrived? His gaze immediately shoots to Hux. What has he done! Hux’s triumphant expression feels like shards of glass ripping through his chest, the smug certainty in his eyes filling Ben with a terror he didn’t know he could feel.  He looks down on his beloved’s form, seeing the knife thrust into her back and he _understands_.

 

“No!” he bellows.

 

“Always lacking, Ben Solo,” Hux sneers.

 

She lifts her gaze to his and he grasps her to him. Never taking his eyes from her rapidly whitening face, Ben’s hand thrusts out and he squeezes Hux’s windpipe until the gurgling stops. He barely hears the thud as his body hits the floor.

 

“Rey!” he screams as her eyes begin to flutter closed. No, no, no! Gods, please no! He feels through the Force as her pulse slows.

 

A primal, desperate sound is ripped from his throat as he howls, keening for his mate. He’d never thought he’d be left alone, without her! If anyone was to die, it was supposed to be him! Protecting her, gathered close to him, he falls to his knees and holds her in his arms, trying to make sense of this horrific turn of events.

 

Keeping her propped up with one arm, he uses his other hand to push her hair back from her face. She’s breathing shallowly, little pants as she struggles to open her eyes.

 

“Please, no, please. I love you. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me,” he begs raggedly.

 

She manages to open her eyes and she smiles faintly, her hand coming up to his cheek. But before she’s able to touch him, it falls to the ground and she lets out one last rattling breath.

 

“Rey?” he begs in a terrified, small voice. “Rey?” He shakes her gently but she doesn’t respond.

 

This can’t be happening. Rey was going to be his light, the galaxy’s light. She was … is _hope_. The Force showed them their future! This isn’t how her story ends.

 

He won’t allow it. He refuses.

 

Ben folds her into his arms and hides his face in her hair, rocking back and forth as the din of battle crashes in around his unhearing ears. Not Rey, please, Maker, anyone but Rey.

 

Ben shifts so that he can see her. Her beautiful eyes are wide and unseeing as he looks down on her perfect face. _Blink, please, my love, blink_! But there’s nothing. He fumbles desperately for her wrist, seeking her pulse, holding it so hard he knows it will bruise. Still there’s nothing, nothing at all and he crushes her to him, an unnatural moan dragged from him.

 

_Rey, please … Rey._

 

He rips off his gloves and holds her face, willing something, anything to tell him she still lives. He hates the armor between them and his vision is taken from him, thick tears all he can see.

 

“Please,” he pleads. “Not Rey, I’ll give anything, anything but her!” he screams into the ether.

 

But she’s still and limp in his arms and all he knows to do is dive into the connection between them. That golden thread he can still feel. His eyes clench shut and he follows the pathway between their hearts.

 

There! Just a dim sense, she’s not gone, not entirely and he scrabbles along their connection, grasping, hoping, pleading.

 

_Anything, anything, anything. I’ll give anything._

 

Her light is so faint but he can feel it and he follows it, hoping he can find her, bring her, pull her, _wrench_ her back. Without her, he knows he cannot survive. Wouldn’t want to. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters without her, without his beautiful Rey.

 

Once he finds her last little glimmer, he opens his eyes, hoping to see some answering reaction. His heart pounds and he tries to will hers to beat with his strength.

 

Everything recedes. The light dims until he and Rey are surrounded only by darkness, her pale form almost glowing. They’re enveloped by an eerie silence until an utterly alien voice whispers through his mind.

 

 _Anything_?

 

Ben has never heard a voice like this, it’s like a choir of speakers, woven together. He trusts it completely and fears it just as much. It’s discordant and soothing in equal measure, holding him at the point before the chord resolves, between life and death, solitude and completion. It’s like the moment just before the saber split, when there was still a chance.

 

A chance.

 

Frantically, he calls back, “Yes, I’ll give all that I am, all that I have, anything, _everything_ just bring her back!”

 

_Hmm, Ben Solo … Kylo Ren, do you know what you offer?_

 

“There is nothing I wouldn’t give, just please, please don’t take her from me,” he sobs brokenly.

 

_Nothing?_

 

“Nothing!” he screams. “She’s all that matters, all that has _ever_ mattered!” She’s his _life_.

 

 _One more time, you will give everything you think you are for her?_  
  


“Yes, gods, please, yes, just bring her back! Bring her back to me!”

 

_Then it will be done._

 

And then there is nothing but her light, blinding and incandescent. He’s never felt anything like this, the blooming heat in his chest. The golden thread between them ignites and he has to hide his face from the hot flare of sight-stealing brilliance. What … what is happening?

 

The knife in her back clatters to the floor, but now it’s as if it’s cutting through him, renting him from something so essential he’d not been able to perceive it. He’s never known pain like this but he doesn’t mind. This is the price, the price he must pay for Rey.

 

He howls as the red-hot phantom knife pulls through his very soul, he can’t breathe, his heart can’t beat, he’s going to die and yet it doesn’t matter. He knows, knows with all he’s ever been that this, this is what is demanded of him for Rey and he will joyously give it every day for eternity. No matter the cost to himself, he will offer up even the Force in his veins. Anything for her.

 

It’s worse than any of Snoke’s lightening, than Rey turning from him. More painful than plunging his saber into his father’s chest and more devastating than feeling his mother’s Force signature end. He’s being torn asunder and he just wants to give more, more, more. Just for her, only for her. He’ll die a million excruciating deaths, just please give her the life she deserves.

 

_Even if you are not with her?_

 

“I don’t care,” he pants harshly through the unimaginable pain.

 

_So be it, Ben Solo._

 

The torture stops and he breathes raggedly, trying to understand. Something is deeply wrong. He can’t quite seem to open his eyes.

 

But then he hears the sweetest sound to ever fill his ears. “Ben!”

 

He tries to move his face towards her voice and his bleary eyes finally open to find her blinking down on him, her perfect hazel eyes holding his with such devotion.

 

“Rey,” he breathes out, lifting his hand clumsily to her cheek.

 

“Ben, oh thank the Maker!” she calls out, grasping his hand in hers and pressing it to her face. He sighs as he feels her vital and alive under his fingers. Rey ...

 

Then he can only understand that her lips are crashing against his and he kisses her with all that he is, all that is … left. He feels wrong, fundamentally, horrifyingly _wrong_.

 

But then it’s fine because he feels her arms around him and he’s kissing her and he truly doesn’t care what he’s given up to have her here. Whole. Alive. Rey, gods, Rey, Rey, Rey …

 

Her lips against his fill him up and push back the strange new hollowness and she’s pulling him to his feet. He can’t let her go, keeping her as close as he can, even as she stops kissing him. Force, whatever it is that’s happened to him doesn’t matter because he has her near, so near.

 

He finds himself on his feet and looking around Rey’s rooms confusedly. Most of the stormtroopers are holding a small band of their former comrades against the wall while TL is directing everyone. Rose and Finn are holding each other and Lando is keeping Poe back with a hand firmly on his chest.

 

‘Sir-uh, Ben, we have those that aren’t with us in custody. What now?” TL asks.

 

Ben feels so dizzy, but he has to focus. Rey peers up at him worriedly and he shakes his head. He’s fine. He has to be fine. Rey’s face is cleared of her bruising and cuts and he wonders if he healed her with long forgotten skills.

 

“Ben?” she asks with trepidation.

 

“I’m fine … I just …”

 

Then Lando comes up to them and gestures towards the crumpled form of General Hux in the corner. “What should we do with … that?”

 

Rey’s eyes dart swiftly towards her tormenter and he’s never seen her look so full of hatred before.

 

Ben knows what he wants. He wants to make sure that Armitage Hux never breathes again. As if on cue, the ginger bastard’s eyes flutter and he starts to struggle.

 

Reaching out his hand, Ben is about to snap his neck with the Force before he stills.

 

Rey’s lips curl in disgust and she sneers, “A swift death is too good for him.”

 

Ben stalks towards the man who killed his mother and tortured his love, his very heart. He looks back at Rey and waits, waits for her judgement. This man hurt her and he won’t take her vengeance from her again like he did with Plutt.

 

“Tell me what to do. I will give you anything, Rey,” he vows lowly.

 

Hux begins to pull himself to his feet and Rey freezes him with the Force.

 

She holds his eyes and she asks in a far-away, flat voice. “What do you want to do to him?”

 

“To do what I promised. I want to tear him apart with my bare hands,” Ben growls.

 

Rey still has Hux frozen with the Force and the disgraced general makes a thin, terrified sound through her hold.

 

He watches the conflict move through her eyes, but then she nods. “I understand why you killed Plutt. Do it.”

 

“It won’t be clean,” Ben warns. There’s too much between them for that. This man murdered his mother and nearly took Rey from him. This will be violent. This will be bloody. This will be _personal_.

 

 _“I don’t care_. I’m done being anyone’s victim. Do it,” she repeats, her eyes glittering with fury.

 

Ben grins, unleashed and brimming with the instinctual need to avenge his beloved.

 

She releases him and Hux stumbles to the floor. He lifts his head and pleads, “Give me a general’s execution! I deserve to die with honor!”

 

Dragging him roughly from the floor, Ben snarls, “I promise you, you will die _exactly_ as you deserve.”

 

The last thing he sees is true fear in Hux’s eyes before he lands his first blow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, ArtemisBare for continuing to help make sure I've not completely lost my mind!
> 
> This will be a long note as I want to update everyone on why posting has been so erratic. I posted this to my tumblr, but for those that don't follow me or missed it, I wanted you to know.
> 
> For those of you who have followed me since February 2016, I know you know that I take posting regularly very seriously. You’ve seen me through the first time I had to prioritize RL over writing (my mother’s first stroke) and have been very understanding through the other blips. 
> 
> For those who have joined the Pain Train along the way, I hope you’ve gleaned how important you are to me. It’s why posting on a schedule is such a priority. You have trusted me to tell you a story, and I value that trust deeply.
> 
> Last April, I moved far away from my job in order to be there for Mama Downing and it resulted in a four hour daily commute. I tried so hard to keep myself going, but slowly but surely, that commute has worn me down. I would leave my home at 7 in the morning and get home around 8 in the evening. It has resulted in needing to sleep for as much of the weekend as possible.
> 
> I took two weeks off after TLJ came out in order to write, and really pushed myself to keep going. Unfortunately, I hit the wall about six weeks ago. Since then, we have decided to move to New Orleans in a few months (so that I can write full time) and I was able to convince my job to allow me to work from home two days a week until we move.
> 
> Until the move, however, I truly have no idea what it’s going to be like. My mother has decided to move in with her best friend, but there’s a lot of prep involved with that. Also, we have to get our house ready to sell. 
> 
> All I know is that once we’re on the other side, I get to write all the time. But until then I know I can’t promise anything when it comes to posting.
> 
> So many of you have left amazing notes/comments/reviews/asks and reached out to me to tell me that you understand. I know I can’t possibly express what it has meant and means to me. Thank you so much for that. It’s offset the slew of reviews pushing me to update and helped me understand that the pressure is just excitement. 
> 
> I will keep writing and updating, because if I didn’t I would lose who I am. I just can’t set a schedule and keep to it. I hope that you’ll forgive me for the spotty updating. Just know that the only thing more important to me than writing is Mr. Downing (who would give his left *mumble* to keep me going) and that on the other side I get to split my time between fic and original work. Imagine how much fic I’ll be able to write before Episode IX?
> 
> I love you all so very, very much. Know that above all else. You have given me wings and you are my family. 
> 
> Family.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre really earns her nickname in this chapter and Darth Darcy begins to grapple with a very essential question regarding his identity.

He’s long since stopped feeling his hands as he takes in Hux’s pulverized face. The disgraced general gasps wetly and Ben is breathing hard. But he’s not nearly done with him, not _nearly_.

 

There’d been no begging, Ben will give Hux that much. At some point the fear in his eyes had given way to defiance and it had only reminded Ben of all that lies between them. All of the betrayal, the mocking, the disgusting words he’d hurled at Rey, the wounds still covering her, every vile act this inhuman creature had brought to Ben’s door had come flowing out of him with savage violence.

 

Mind spinning with all that he could do to his despised rival, Ben smiles grimly. He’s going to bring in the torture droids. Then he’ll whip him until the skin falls from his bones. Ten lashes for each mark on Rey’s back. Perhaps he’ll have him healed then do it all again. Yes. _Yes_. This will last hours. Days. _Weeks_. Hux dared to hurt Rey and there is no retribution that will _ever_ satisfy him.

 

About to hit him again, he’s confused as Hux’s head quickly snaps to the side and the light leaves his swollen eyes.

 

Ben looks up to find Rey’s troubled gaze. “Enough,” she breathes out. “It was enough.”

 

He takes in her outstretched hand and understands that she’d snapped the ginger bastard’s neck. The animal still pacing in his chest gnashes its teeth, it’s not enough, it will _never_ be enough! Hux hurt Rey! Killed his mother ...

 

But he holds Rey’s eyes and he finds a glimmer of cold satisfaction and he sees that, for her, this has been her justice. Of course, of course his love wouldn’t want it to go on. She’d allowed him to extract a measure of pain for _him_ , not for her. His thirst for vengeance is still not quenched, but some part of him knows it never could be.

 

He could destroy Jakku, torture anyone who so much as looked at Rey wrong, personally kill every being on the dreadnought that had taken his mother from him, and he would still not feel that he’d done enough to avenge them.

 

Taking a steadying breath, he looks at his mangled hands, covered in Hux’s blood and he wonders what Rey sees. But then she’s pulling his hands into hers and he watches as their fingers come together.

 

“I know, Ben … I know. He’s dead. That’s all that matters.”

 

For a long time he looks at her fine hands, tainted with Hux’s blood and the brutality that lives inside him … it shames him. For years he’s killed, maimed, tortured, telling himself it was for a purpose. He was dark. He had to be dark, that was all that was left.

 

Now though … he knows that’s not true, that it never had been. Though, now has he done too much to come back? Can he ever cage the vicious, merciless beast he created?

 

“Ben?” she asks with concern, trying to catch his eyes. He attempts to return her gaze, but he _can’t_ , focusing instead on their entwined hands and the scarlet lashing across their skin.

 

“Ben?” she repeats with a quaver of fear.

 

Respond, he must respond. He nods stiltedly and whispers, “You’re right, that’s all that matters.”

 

She squeezes his hands and he watches as she knits the skin over his knuckles back together, feels the fine bones in his hands mend. Curiously, he doesn’t feel the Force swirling between them.

 

Once she’s finished healing him, she takes the hem of her tunic and wipes the blood from their hands. He doesn’t like seeing her streaked with anything to do with that foul man, but it’s done; they both have to change as soon as possible.

 

As the adrenaline in his system subsides, the _wrongness_ he’d felt before comes for him, wave after wave of discordant confusion. He can see, but he can’t. He can hear, but it’s incomplete. Shifting his attention to the connection between them, he almost stumbles as he finds it … empty.

 

“Rey!” he calls out desperately.

 

Her eyes find his swiftly and he sees answering panic in their hazel depths. “What is it?”

 

“The bond … I can’t feel it!” Is this what the voice took? Without the bond, what … why would she stay?

 

Her head cocks to the side and she blinks. “But …” Then she closes her eyes and confusion knits her brow. “I … it’s different, but I can still feel it.”

 

Trying again, the fear doubles as he realizes he can’t feel the Force _at all_. He can’t sense Rey, Lando … it’s just … gone.

 

Rey looks at him with apprehension. “Ben?”

 

“I … Rey …” He pulls his hands from hers, trembling, and, he reaches out and tries to call a mundane cup sitting on a shelf to him. It doesn’t even waver. The seamless joining he’s used to, the mastery, it just won’t come. No, worse than that, it simply isn’t there at all. With growing terror, he tries again, this time on a cushion. It’s not even like the frustrating sense of being blocked he felt as a child. Just … nothing.

 

Oh gods …

 

Frantically, he grasps Rey to him and whispers in her ear. “The Force, I … I can’t feel it. I can’t use it.”

 

Shifting in his arms, she turns her face up to his and holds his eyes. “Are you sure?”

 

Nodding quickly, he says, “I … I can’t sense _anything_. Maybe … bringing you back, maybe I just need time.” Even as the words leave him he knows they aren’t true. The voice _had_ asked him if he would give anything, everything for Rey.

 

Taking in a shuddering breath, he knows it’s a price he would always pay, but … but what is he, _who_ is he without the Force?

 

His thoughts don’t come together properly and he can’t really understand what’s going on around him. He keeps trying to call the Force to him, _knowing_ it’s fruitless, but not being able to stop himself. It’s just a vacant, empty chasm and he can’t find his bearings. It’s … it’s like being _blind_.

 

Rey pulls from his arms and he almost doesn’t let her go, but then the others gather around them. She slips her hand into his and that helps … a little, though he can’t seem to move his gaze to their compatriots.

 

Dimly, he hears TL ask, “We’ve taken the _Finalizer_. Should we escort you to your ship?”

 

Lando exclaims loudly, “Hell yes, let’s get out of here!”

 

Then Dameron interjects, “Wait … wait. Solo, there’s an opportunity here.”

 

Ben just keeps looking at the floor, trying to center himself with the feeling of Rey’s hand in his, but everything is upside down and makes no sense!

 

“Ben?” Finn nudges, but he continues to be held, frozen by knowledge he can’t accept.

 

Panic fills him as her hand leaves his. No! He can’t, nothing works without Rey! But then her hands are on his face and she’s forcing him to look at her.

 

In a voice meant only for him, Rey says, “Ben, listen. I know … I _know_ something has happened, but everything is changing so quickly. We need you. _I_ need you. I’ll get you alone as soon as I can, but you have to focus. Can you do that for me? Can you focus?”

 

Her eyes plead with him so sweetly and he shakes himself. Even if what he fears has come to pass he still has Rey and he still has responsibilities to all of these people who helped him get her back. But if the Force is gone, then the bond is gone with it … no, he can’t think like that. Only madness would meet him there.

 

Taking in a deep, shuddering breath he uses a lifetime of experience to push all of his fear deep down into the place he keeps all of his failure. He finally meets her eyes properly.

 

She smiles warmly and her tense posture relaxes. “There you are. I missed you.”

 

Her open, loving eyes pierce him to his core and he crushes her to him again, needing her so _badly_. “I missed you, I missed you so much.”

 

“I’ll never let you go again.”

 

“Never, Rey, never,” he vows into her neck.

 

“Come on, loverboy, we have things we gotta do,” Lando chides.

 

Ben pulls her even closer for one last moment then forces himself to let her go. Turning to his waiting comrades he says, “Yes, alright. What’s next?” He keeps probing at where the Force used to live even though he’s certain it’s useless. Maybe … maybe ...

 

Rey shifts to his side and again tangles his fingers with hers and his soul sighs out in completion. It doesn’t matter what’s happened to him. Rey is safe. Rey is here. Rey is his.

 

\---

 

Dameron had made a very convincing case that they stay on the _Finalizer_. He’d said, “What better place to target the First Order than from their flagship?”

 

Lando, Finn, and Rose had all murmured their agreement and Rey had left him for a moment to speak with Finn. He’d only just managed to keep himself from following her like a beaten dog.

 

Now he’s pulled TL aside, keeping Rey close. “You and your people, what do they want? You could leave, be free-“

 

“And leave the rest of the stormtroopers in bondage?” TL asks with shock.

 

Rey squeezes his hand and he shakes his head. “No, of course not. I didn’t want to let Dameron speak for you.”

 

TL’s lips quirk in a small smile and he looks at Rey. “She’s good for you.”

 

Ben glances over at Rey and knowing she’s here, that she’s not going to be ripped from him pushes back the emptiness inside. “Yes, she is.”

 

Nodding, TL says, “You need to meet Zed, a bit late I admit, but she speaks for us and I can’t make decisions for us without her. But …” TL looks between Ben and Rey. “I think you need a little time alone and your Resistance friends could use some medical attention.”

 

Ben finally truly takes note of his new allies and sees that they’ve all taken damage. Finn most of all and he’s surrounded by stormtroopers with Rose close to his side.

 

The emptiness inside him is too loud and he’s losing focus again. He feels like nothing is holding him together but the feeling of Rey’s fingers laced with his. Speak, dammit!

 

But Rey saves him. “Yes, yes, that’s a good idea. TL is it?”

 

“Yes ma’am. It’s an honor to meet you properly.”

 

She reaches out awkwardly with the wrong hand to shake TL’s, not even trying to pull away from Ben.

 

“Is there somewhere we could go?” she asks.

 

“Yes, we’ll take your people to the med bay and the Supreme Lea- ah, I mean … uhm, Ben’s quarters are untouched.”

 

“Thank you, we’ll go there then. Okay, Ben?”

 

He nods faintly. His quarters, yes, that’s good. Wait, there was something. Something important he needed once he had her back …

 

Her necklace! And her lightsaber. Symbols of the Force … no, no, he can’t let it in, not yet. “TL … her things … she needs her things.”

 

“We’ll find them and bring them to her as soon as possible.”

 

“Thank you,” he murmurs as Rey gently leads him to the door.

 

\---

 

He’d had to pull himself together enough to direct them to his old quarters, but once he’d let them in he’d fallen to his knees and now Rey is carefully removing his borrowed stormtrooper armor.

 

Blinking slowly, he looks at a spot on his wall, the stark gray such a contrast to the colors of Naboo. He should have insisted they leave, shouldn’t make Rey stay where she’d been so ill-used.

 

Whenever she removes a piece of the white plastoid, she smooths her hands along his revealed body and it keeps him from disintegrating. Without the Force he feels like nothing is keeping him together but Rey’s touch, as if his very molecules would lose cohesion without her to ground him.

 

He’s tempted to keep trying to use the Force, but he can feel that it’s gone. He might as well keep trying to see with no eyes.

 

“Ben, love, I need you to stand up for me,” she says as she encourages him to move.

 

Stand? Move? No … he can’t do that. Nothing works properly. He’s not sure he can order his legs to bear his weight.

 

“Please, I know … I know something is horribly wrong, but we need to get you out of this armor. Please, I need … I need to feel your skin again.”

 

Rey … Rey needs him. Okay. He can try. For her.

 

Unsteadily, he rises but finds he can keep his feet. She continues to peel the plates from him until he’s in the black undersuit of any stormtrooper.

 

“Up,” she orders and he lifts his arms obediently. Her fingers trail along his bare skin as she pulls the shirt from his body. At least that feels exactly the same, connection streaming from her fingertips. Soon she has him completely naked and she’s pulling him to the ‘fresher. Briefly he wonders if he should care that he’s bare in front of her, but this is Rey so the thought leaves as soon as it came.

 

“Let’s get clean.”

 

Yes, that’s good. He doesn’t want any of Hux on either of them. Mindlessly, he follows her. She turns on the water, steam billowing from the shower. He watches it move and it reminds him of how the Force would swirl and dance within him. Coming from deep in his core, a shuddering sob gathers, finally escaping him as he starts to shake.

 

“Shhh, shhh,” she soothes as she maneuvers him under the water. Then she’s right in front of him, gathering his body to hers, and he realize she’s discarded her own clothing. Oh gods, she feels so good, so right, all of her skin pressed against his.

 

He finally feels a glimmer of what it’s like to be whole again, with so much of her touching him. The warmth between them, the way his skin sparks wherever they meet is just as it always was. Somehow, she’s weaving protection around him, creating a place for him to fall.

 

Safe in her arms, he finally crumbles.

 

“It’s gone, Rey, it’s gone,” he sobs against her strong, lithe body.

 

“I know, I know.”

 

_It’s gone, it’s gone, it’s gone ..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another note about my firm Happily Ever After policy. I write what I want to read, and what I want to read is a happy ending, so please don't hate me too much!
> 
> I'm sorry it's been over a month since I updated. I promise this is not and will not be abandoned. It's just at a very emotionally complex place and RL is so tumultuous at present that I'm being very careful with 'Unbidden'. I don't want to rush it in the midst of moving and keeping work from absolutely losing it over my impending departure. Thank you all for your patience and the outpouring of understanding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And, as always, thank you so, so much fo reading!
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare, your questions and suggestions are always just what I need to hear!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is being an absolute superstar with the move. He's almost single-handedly found new homes for most of our furniture while juggling a high-strung mother-in-law and a wife with a bad cold.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre find comfort in each other.

Her wet, naked skin keeps him from spiraling completely into the abyss; the grief beckons him down, down, down. But Rey, precious Rey keeps the gnashing teeth from ripping apart whatever remains of Ben Solo.

 

He clings to her with all he has left, letting her keep him clasped tightly to her body as the water cascades down them, mingling with his tears.

 

She never stops soothing him with her hands and comforting words. “I love you, I’ll always love you.”

 

He wants to respond. He _needs_ to respond, but language has left him so he pulls her even closer and nods against her elegant neck. Why can’t he open his mouth and speak? Tell her how she’s the only thing keeping him from flying apart?

 

“Oh Ben, I know you’re hurting, so badly. I’m here, I’m here. I’ll always be here. Tell me what you need, please, tell me.” Somehow her touch weaves strength through his quaking foundation.

 

Finally the tears stop, but his face stays buried against her neck; he still can’t speak, he can’t even _move_ , he can only blink slowly. Who is he now? Everything, _everything_ he’s ever done, that has ever been done _to_ him is because of the Force. It’s shaped his entire life.

 

“Please, please talk to me,” she entreats.

 

But he can’t. Memory keeps pulling him away from her and he wants to scream, fight his way back to her, but … does he even deserve to have her caring for him like this?

 

He’d never understood himself—not until Rey—but at least, at least he’d had the Force. His constant companion, until her.

 

Without it? Who is he? _What_ is he?

 

Lost. So lost. Stripped. Cored.

 

Hollow.

 

Nothing.

 

“Ben?” Her voice, oh her voice. Rey’s here, right here, but he can hear that he’s frightening her with his behavior. He’d wanted to be strong for her, to help _her_ recover from her horrific time at Hux’s cruel mercy. Now, all he can do is tremble in her arms.

 

Maker, he’s _disgusting_. Weak. The only thing he’d had to give her was his power. Now though, he can’t teach her, can’t protect her … he can’t even find his way out of this maelstrom of pain and unfathomable loss when he’s sure she’s the one who needs him..

 

How can he _ever_ be worthy of her now? She’s been through hell and he can’t even tend to her, he can barely think.

 

Useless, useless, useless.

 

Just yesterday she’d been whipped. _Whipped_. And here he is, mewling like a boy, making her care for him. _Again_.

 

Wait, her wounds! His eyes fly open and he removes himself from her swiftly, deeply ashamed that he’d held her so fiercely. What agony had he put her through as he completely ignored her injuries?

 

Her eyes swim with confusion. “Ben, what-”

 

“Why did you let me hold you like that!” he exclaims, so angry with himself that it bleeds into his tone.

 

She protests as he firmly turns her so that he can see her back. But … there’s nothing, the skin pristine. His fingers ghost along the now-smooth flesh as she shudders under his touch.

 

He doesn’t understand. He _remembers_ how the lashes had streaked across her flesh. “How-”

 

“When you … did whatever it is that you did, it didn’t just heal my face. It healed all of me.”

 

Slowly she turns back to face him, gesturing to her side and he sees that even the scar from Hux’s first betrayal is gone. In fact, every little mark from her hard life in Jakku has been erased. Her lovely body looks as if she’d never worked a day in her life. The swell of her hips and the curve of her lovely breasts make him suddenly very aware of their nudity.

 

Ben takes her in, and he begins to see a bit of hope, a bit of purpose.

 

This. This is why he sacrificed the Force. For Rey, to make her whole. No matter what comes next, he knows he will never regret his choice, not for one moment. Even if he spends the rest of his life as half a man, it was worth it.

 

Rey is worth everything.

 

His shoulders relax and his spine straightens. The price has been paid and he has to claw his way back.

 

_Rey is worth everything._

 

Ben reaches out and holds her face, stroking her lower lip with his thumb, then he kisses her softly. “I love you so much, Rey,” he murmurs against her mouth before pulling back to again look in her luminous eyes.

 

He finds only love shining back at him and she smiles slightly. “We … we should dry off.”

 

She moves away from him and the wrongness is returning without her skin against his. It doesn’t feel so sharp and alien when they’re wrapped together. She’s right, though. As much as he’d like to stay under the spray with Rey to anchor him, it’s simply not possible.

 

_Rey is worth everything._

 

Then she’s again taking care of him, turning off the water, pulling him from the shower, and rubbing him with a soft towel. As she works, she makes sure to always keep a hand on him. Somehow, she knows. She knows how much he needs her touch. Rey _always_ knows.

 

Grief swells in his chest as he realizes he’s no longer bound to the woman who gives his lungs breath, but he immediately tamps it down. It doesn’t matter. He’s as much hers as he’s always been.

 

The moment he first _heard_ of her, somehow, he was hers. Perhaps the day he was born, he came into the galaxy belonging to Rey. It wouldn’t surprise him if he’s belonged to her since the first spark of all existence. His heart beats for her. Can only beat for her.

 

_Rey is worth everything._

 

As she’s almost done drying him, she shakily asks, “What … what happened? I remember fading away, seeing your eyes, hearing you calling for me … then I woke up and you were _screaming_. But then you were back and … I just … Ben, please tell me?”

 

The genuine fear in her eyes is oddly comforting. No one has ever loved him like Rey does. She doesn’t think, weigh, ponder, decide. She acts. And once he’d pulled his head out of his ass, every time she’s acted, she has done so unashamedly. Rey loves him.

 

This knowledge, this beauty, it humbles him down to his core and he has to look down. He’s lost who he was, but Rey is still here

 

He stands with his head hanging, frozen and incapable of putting it into words. But she deserves to know what he knows. Shaking himself, he lifts his head and pulls another towel down, repeating her gentle care of him as he dries her carefully.

 

“Wait, no, you don’t have to-”

 

“Shhh, let me care for you now. It will make it easier to tell you.”

 

Her warm hazel eyes hold his and she nods.

 

As he towels away the moisture from her arm, he begins to tell her what he can. “You … you were nearly gone, perhaps you already were, and I couldn't. I _couldn’t_ let that happen. After everything your life has been, everything I’ve done to you, let happen to you, or caused to happen to you … that alone would have made me fight for you to stay. But more than that-” He stops, having reached her small hand.

 

He’s entranced by how her slim fingers contrast with his own, how fine her hand looks as he dries her palm. Then he’s pulling her to him, feeling her against him again and he shudders out, “More than that, I love you too much to ever let you go. I have no interest in continuing without you-”

 

“No, Ben-”

 

“Yes. _Yes_. My life was only pain before you. I can’t go back to that. I _won’t_. Without you, nothing matters. There was a voice, it asked me what I would give for you, I said everything. It pushed, I promised there was nothing I wouldn’t do, nothing I wouldn’t give up for you to live.”

 

Rey pulls back slightly, looking into his eyes as her own swirl with conflict. “You gave up the Force … for me?”

 

Ben cups her face with his hand and strokes along her hair with the other, simply nodding. Mesmerized by how he can cover nearly half of her delicate, beloved face with his large, strong hand, he gets lost in her gaze.

 

There’s so much in her eyes and he breathes a little easier as he realizes he can still sense her feelings, just not with the Force. It’s something deeper, more primal. Whatever it is between them, it’s beyond the power he used to think was behind everything. It’s both animal and divine, instinctual and sacred.

 

Because even without the Force, he can _feel_ that she’s struggling mightily with her emotions, torn between guilt that he gave this up for her and wonder that _he gave this up for her_.  Someday she’ll believe that she’s worth any sacrifice, someday she’ll understand just what he’d do for her.

 

Her eyes brim with tears and then a desperate, shuddering sound is pulled from her. Her hands come up to his face, mirroring his own position. As she rakes her fingers through his hair he moans lightly; nothing feels like Rey touching him, delving into him, stirring his passion and his love.

 

Eyes burning with intensity, the air shifts and somehow devotion ignites into pure _need_ and their lips crash together. Yes, yes, _yes_. All that frantic fear, nights of agony as his blood keened for his beloved, it falls away and he growls like the beast she makes him.

 

His shredded edges where the Force used to be are instantly soothed and he knows that Rey is magic, pure magic. She’s so much more than the Force. She’s a power that he can’t conceive of and he dives into her.

 

Sliding their tongues together, sparks of connection fly between them and he groans deep in his throat, sweeping her into his arms, never breaking their kiss. She yelps in surprise and he takes the opportunity to _devour_ her.

 

Perfection, his darling love is perfection, her skin heating under his onslaught as he walks them to his bed. How many nights has he dreamed of having her here? Under his hands, under his _body_. Real, true, _his_.

 

His blood, bones, muscle, sinew, they all demand to merge with her. Make her his, irrevocably, forever. Only he will know her this way. Only she will know him. His body, once simply a tool to wield, a vessel to punish, now it’s all he has to show her. The bond is gone, but he’s frantic to bind her to him in this new, ancient way.

 

“Rey,” he moans as manages to keep her close as they fall into bed. Immediately he covers her body with his, his achingly hard cock trapped between them. Her legs wrap around him and, gods, how they fit together.

 

Here. Now. He’s never wanted anyone or anything as much as he wants to thrust into Rey, finally know her.  

 

He needs her eyes and he shifts so that he can hold her gaze, but he sees … trepidation?

 

In that moment he sees what he’s doing. He can’t just … he can’t use her to make himself feel whole. He closes his eyes in pain as he realizes she was going to _let_ him. His lust addled mind clears quickly and he knows they need to talk. Now.

 

“Rey … I’m sorry, I … I don’t know what came over me.”

 

She shakes her head. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

 

“No, love, you’re not. Please, _please_ talk to me.” It’s the only way he can know her thoughts, now.

 

“It … it’s just a lot. The last few days, I …” She looks away and tears fall down her cheeks.

 

Godsdammit, he’s such a selfish animal. Ben wraps her in his arms and rolls them on their sides so that he can hold her with his entire body, enfold her smaller frame, keep her protected.

 

“Tell me,” he entreats. “Let me comfort you, now. Please let me in.”

 

“I … I …”

 

“You’re safe. He’s dead. Even without the Force, I will always protect you.”

 

He feels her start to violently shake against him and her primal sounds of pain rip into his heart. She sobs into his neck, “It hurt so much. I thought I was stronger than that, but I was begging, begging for it to stop. That disgusting filth had me begging, on my knees.” Her voice is woven through with humiliation.

 

“Oh, love, no. You’re so strong, _so strong_. There’s no shame in that. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get to you.”

 

“It’s not your fault,” she whispers between tears.

 

Ben pulls back slightly and looks deeply into her eyes. “Yes, it was. Since you met me, everything that’s happened to you comes back to me, my choices. It is very much my fault.”

 

Her wet eyes blink slowly and the depth of sadness he finds there hurts, gods it hurts. “I wish you’d come with me on the _Supremacy_.”

 

The small, quiet statement pierces him straight through. Because that was his moment. If he’d just made a different choice his mother would still be alive and Rey wouldn’t be crying in his arms. He’d still have the Force.

 

“I’m sorry, Rey, I’m so sorry.” His eyes sting, but he refuses to make Rey comfort him again.

 

She wraps herself more tightly around him and says, “I know, I know you are.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. For everything I’ve ever done to hurt you. Maker, Rey, I’m so damned sorry.”

 

They hold each other tightly, letting the grief and pain flow. They’ve both lost so much and he hopes he makes her feel as safe as she makes him feel. He rubs circles on her back as she cries softly; it breaks his heart.

 

“I was so scared,” she chokes out.

 

“I know, I know you were,” he affirms, stroking his fingers through her hair.

 

“But, I knew, I knew you were coming. I _knew_ you would come for me.”

 

“Always, I will always come for you. Though I hope we’re never far from each other ever again.”

 

Rey shakes her head fiercely. “No. Never again.”

 

He kisses the top of her head and they settle against each other. She sniffles a bit, but she’s stopped crying.

 

“It’s going to be alright,” she murmurs.

 

“I know,” he says, hoping it’s true.

 

\---

 

The sharp sound of his door alert pulls him from sleep. He doesn’t recall drifting off, but Rey is softly snoring in his arms. As he disentangles himself from her, her eyes flutter open.

 

“Shhh, go back to sleep. It’s just someone at the door.”

 

Ben pulls the covers over her to hide her nakedness and grabs his robe. Once ready, he goes to let in his visitor. It’s likely Rey’s things.

 

He’s surprised to find TL himself with a small bundle and a tray of food. “TL! ” Ben says warmly.

 

“I thought you might not want strangers just now.” There’s an awareness in TL’s eyes that makes Ben wonder what he knows.

 

“That was … considerate of you.”

 

“I won’t keep you long. I’ve arranged for you to meet Zed tomorrow. I thought … well it seemed like you both … need each other right now.”

 

Ben wonders if TL has always been this perceptive. “Yes...  it’s been a difficult time for her.”

 

TL cocks his head. “And for you.”

 

Ben nods once but doesn’t say anything, taking the tray and Rey’s things from his … friend.

 

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, then,” TL says genially.

 

“TL,” Ben calls out to TL’s retreating form. The man turns and looks at Ben. “Thank you.”

 

TL holds his eyes for a moment. “You’re welcome, Ben.”

 

Ben closes his door and carries the food and bundle into his bedroom. Rey is sitting up in bed, looking a bit lost.

 

“Love?” he calls out softly. “I have food and your things.”

 

“Oh!” Her demeanor changes immediately and she jumps up from the bed, rushing to his side. Ben places the tray on a low table and hands Rey whatever it is that TL has found.

 

She takes it, sits on the edge of the bed, and eagerly opens it, quickly finding her necklace. She holds it up and looks at it for a moment then clutches it to her chest. Her face shifts to malice and she spits, “I’ve never hated anyone more than I hated Hux when he took this from me.”

 

Seeing the shard of his crystal makes the hollow feeling inside expand quickly until he’s almost engulfed by it and he swiftly sits next to her, pulling her to him, hiding his face in her hair. His panicked breathing slows as he breathes in her scent.

 

“Ben?”

 

“I-I’m sorry, I just … you’re the only thing that makes me feel … whole.”

 

She turns and wraps her arms around him. “Then I’ll just have to stay right here.”

 

He snorts. “It would be difficult to get things done.”

 

“Nonsense, I’ll just sit in your lap.” She adjusts herself until she’s doing just that. “There. Do you think anyone will notice?” she asks innocently.

 

He can’t help it, the idea is both absurd and deeply appealing and he breaks out into mildly hysterical laughter. “Imagine how many reports we can get through with you signing off on half of them?” he giggles out.

 

“See, it’s really very sensible.” Then she’s laughing with him because they both need it, not because it’s particularly funny.

 

Once they’ve caught their breath, Rey leans into him and kisses him softly. “Help me put my necklace back on?”

 

At first he doesn’t want to touch it, afraid of how he’ll react. But she catches his eyes and says, “Just because you don’t have the Force doesn’t change your history. That crystal is still a part of you. It means just as much as it always did.”

 

He slowly takes her hand clasped around the necklace and kisses her knuckles. “You’re perfect. Do you know that?”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and pushes the necklace towards him. He takes it from her palm and looks at it for a moment. It does hurt, but she’s right. He made this for her out of his past and his love, none of that has changed.

 

He encourages her to turn in his lap and he gently clasps it around her neck. She sighs and leans back against him. He looks down and sees the crystal settled over her heart and he can feel how relieved she is to have it back.

 

She strokes the crystal and says, “I would wake up searching for it. Searching for you.”

 

“And now you will always find me. I don’t intend for a night to go by without you in our bed.”

 

“I like that. Our bed.”

 

“I do too,” he says softly, holding her close and kissing her neck gently.

 

_Rey is worth everything._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! I should be posting at least a chapter a week going forward. Thank you all for your patience! New Orleans is gorgeous and I'm just bouncing up and down with joy for getting to write all the time.
> 
> Thank you ArtemisBare, my darling alpha reader who really cracked the code this week. *blows her kisses*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is making this whole full-time writing thing a reality.
> 
> Thank you readers! I cannot tell you how grateful I am for all of the support folks sent while I was moving. You are all just amazing.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre finally get it on.

She’s nestled in his lap at his small table. He’d found her one of his tunics, and though he’d been disappointed to cover up her perfect body, it’s quite satisfying to see her in his clothing.

 

“Are you hungry?” he asks, pulling the cover from the tray, He finds cuts of meat and cheese with a large loaf of sliced bread. There’s also a nice selection of fruit. It’s a simple meal, but it looks quite fresh. TL had obviously put some care into his selections.

 

Rey looks at the food and there’s an odd grimace. “Are you … are you not hungry?”

 

“It’s not that,” she says quietly.

 

He holds her eyes and waits for her to explain. Finally she sighs. “Hux. He … somehow he knew that I like fruit.”

 

Oh. Apparently Hux had found his file on Rey. He’d gathered what bits of information on her that he could under the pretext of finding Snoke’s ‘murderer’. Clearing his throat, he asks, “And how did he use that information?”

 

His love shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.” She reaches for a square of cheese and pops it into her mouth, obviously eating to avoid talking about it.

 

“I’d like to know,” he urges in a low voice. He wants to know every single thing Hux did to her.

 

Her shoulders fall and she quietly responds, “At first I just thought it was strange that they were feeding me so well. Then _he_ showed up and taunted me, saying that he wanted to make sure to keep me in the _style_ you’d surely provided, that plates of fruit were the least a woman had ever cost him.”

 

Hux had used such foul language to discuss her … but it would seem he’d truly thought Rey was … and she’d had to listen to that for days. Gods, his girl is so strong, so fierce. “We both know that’s not true.”

 

“Yeah,” she says quietly, picking at the food. She seems to be having trouble looking him in the eye and he frowns.

 

“Rey, what is it?”

 

She plasters a smile on her face and he hears the lie when she says, “I’m fine.”

 

Not wanting to pry, he tries to eat. Hux put her through so much and she’ll talk about it when she’s ready. Or when he can’t take it any longer.

 

The distance gnaws at him, feeds his hollowness where the Force used to be and his fear that he’s no longer worthy of her. He just manages to keep from snorting at the thought. He was never worthy of her.

 

While he wishes she’d let him in, at least she’s still in his lap.

 

Once they’d both stopped eating, leaving half the food untouched, he replaces the cover. It concerns him that she’s not eating. He remembers their meal together, how she is about food. Something is wrong but he doesn’t really know how to get her to open up to him.

 

He leans back in the chair and she curls into him, her face hidden in his hair. It can’t be anything truly awful if she’s letting him hold her like this. Right?

 

Rey starts to nuzzle at his neck. “Mmmm,” he hums contentedly. Perhaps she just needs time in her own head. As long as he can continue to touch her he won’t complain.

 

Oh. Oh! Rey is kissing up his flesh, nibbling and sucking and stars, it feels _good_. But then she startles him when she swiftly turns in his lap and straddles him, immediately grinding against him. He’s already _reacting_ , but he’s not at all prepared when her small hand delves into his robe and grasps his rapidly hardening length.

 

Gods, the onslaught of sensation has him entirely focused on her hand and he moans as she kisses him hard, stroking him firmly. But, somewhere in the back of his mind he knows this is _odd_.

 

Eventually managing coherent thought, he calls out, “Rey!” trying to seek her eyes. The change in her behavior is confusing him and he needs to understand.

 

But she avoids his gaze and begins to kiss his neck again. Something isn’t right. Well, many things aren’t right, but this is _Rey_. Much as he would like to sit back and let her continue, he won’t take the chance that she’s trying to use her body to soothe him.

 

Putting his hands on her shoulders, he pushes her back gently. “What?” she whines, still keeping her eyes from his.

 

“This is just … unexpected.”

 

She finally looks up and the hurt he finds makes him flinch. “Don’t you want me?”

 

“What?” he asks in shock. He can’t really parse the words, not want _Rey_?

 

“Is that it? Was it just the bond that made you love me?”

 

Her words knife through him and he blinks rapidly, unable to properly express how painful the idea is. She thinks …

 

Sitting back on his knees she wraps her arms around herself. “I thought so. Of course it had to be the Force,” she murmurs, almost to herself.

 

Finally, he finds his voice. “Why would you ever think that?”

 

“I should have known the only way anyone would love me is-”

 

Swiftly he places his fingers at her lips to stop her torrent of pain. He knows how she feels, thinking she can’t be loved. The only difference is that he’s fairly certain Rey is the only one who _could_ love him.

 

“Rey, listen to me. You have to listen to me,” he pleads, almost desperately.

 

Her eyes are huge and wounded, but she nods. “I love you. I think I have always loved you. The bond … it just gave our connection form, that’s all. I still _feel_ you. Maybe not through the Force, but when I touch you,” he trails his fingers along her soft cheek, “I still feel it, deep in my heart. Don’t … don’t you?” he asks with a touch of insecurity.

 

She nods, but her eyes are still fearful. He places his large hands at her waist and pulls her closer, until her face is inches from his. “What have I done to make you think I no longer love you, why would you think such a thing?”

 

Rey shrugs and is back to avoiding his gaze. “Rey … please. I must know what I did to hurt you so.”

 

“You didn’t,” she whispers.

 

“Then …. what?”

 

Listening intently, it’s a long time before she finally says with a shaky voice, “They _sold_ me. They never would have done that if something wasn’t wrong with me. If I was better. I tried to be good, I tried so hard.” A single tear slides down her face.

 

He swallows a few times, trying to keep himself under control. “You remember, you remember being sold.”

 

A slight nod is her only response.

 

Ben closes his eyes for a moment, trying to keep the rage at bay. That won’t do any good right now. Taking in a deep breath he takes her face in both his hands and forces her to look at him. “You are the most shining, compassionate, amazing person I have ever met. There is nothing wrong with you. To know you _is_ to love you. My mother loved you. Finn loves you. Hell, even that idiot Dameron loves you. Nothing is wrong with you. Something was wrong with _them_.”

 

Her lips purse and he knows he’s not getting through to her. This anguish runs so deep.

 

“Then why did you push me away,” she asks in a small voice.

 

“I wasn’t pushing you away, I needed to know … Because of earlier, when I … when I almost …”

 

“I didn’t mind. I wanted to. I’ve wanted you for such a long time.”

 

“Rey, beloved, beautiful Rey, when we share that I don’t want it to be because you ‘didn’t mind’. I was being incredibly selfish. You’ve been through so much and yet you were the one comforting me.”

 

She looks at him like he’s said something incomprehensible. “Ben. You gave up the Force for me. I would give you anything.”

 

Shaking his head, he says, “It’s something to share, not something to gift.”

 

Moving his hands from her face, he takes her hands in his and begins to kiss her knuckles. “You believed me before, that I love you. Why is it so difficult now?”

 

Eyes sliding away she stays silent. “Rey?” he prods.

 

“Because … because Hux got into my head. He said such horrible things. About how you are a prince and I’m just scum, how your family has holdings all across the galaxy and I didn’t even own the clothing the Resistance gave me. That … that he’d never seen you with a woman so I must be … talented.”

 

Not thinking, he crushes her to him. “No. NO! None of that is true, not a bit of it. _I’m_ the one who isn’t good enough. It’s _you_ , you give me the grace to try. _You_ who make me think I could someday be what you deserve. I’m the one who should go on my knees to you. You are so much better than I could ever be.”

 

He feels her shake her head strongly against him. “That’s not true! I know who you are Ben, you’re good. You’re good.”

 

Knowing what she’s said isn’t true, he says, “And so are you.”

 

Pulling back a bit, she looks into his eyes. “I love you.”

 

“Oh, Rey, I love you so much. I don’t care about the Force so long as I have you.”

 

“You really want me?”

 

“With my entire being.”

 

“Then show me. I don’t want to wait any longer.”

 

“But … if you’re just trying to prove something …”

 

“No, no, not anymore. I need to feel that you love me. I’ve never felt so loved as when you touch me, I want to look into your eyes while you’re inside my body the way you’re inside my heart.”

 

The way she’s looking at him, it’s familiar and somehow he knows she’s back with him. This is his Rey. And she wants him.

 

“Are you sure?” He must know she’s sure.

 

The warmth and confidence is back in her eyes. She stands from his lap and pulls him to stand with her. Once he’s looking down into her beautiful face, she says, “I’m sure, Ben.”

 

Blinking slowly, she goes on her toes and captures his lips in an achingly sweet kiss. “Please make me yours, be mine,” she whispers.

 

“Oh, Rey. I’m already yours.”

 

“Show me, show me …”

 

And he’s lost. He drags her to him and kisses her deeply, feeling his whole body come alight with desire and connection. He’d always thought it was the bond, but no, it’s something so much deeper, so much more _innate_.

 

He was built for her, for his beautiful Rey.

 

Her little hands fist in his hair and he moans. Her hands in his hair always, always _does_ something to him.

 

Pulling him towards the bed, he follows until the back of her knees hit the mattress and she falls back. Maker, she makes a perfect picture, her hair fanned out, knees parted, _his_ tunic riding up her hips.

 

Searching her eyes he sees no hint of trepidation and he’s on her in a moment, growling as his hand slides up her thigh, feeling the expanse of her glorious skin. She’d never replaced her underthings and he’s never felt anything so heavenly as her beneath his hands.

 

Urgently, she unties his robe and he helps her pull it from his heated body. “You’re everything, Rey, everything,” he murmurs before kissing her long and deep.

 

His body settles over hers and he stills, realizing that he’s finally going to know what it is to be merged with his beloved. There’s no going back from this and, stars, he’d never want to. Holding her eyes intently, he whispers, “I will only ever touch you like this, you, only ever you.”

 

Cheeks flushed with desire, she smiles a deeply feminine smile. “I know.”

 

Something in the look in her eyes unleashes him and he pushes his tunic up above her waist, gliding his hand up her inner thigh, finding her hot and wet. Just for him. _Only_ for him. There’s no hesitation as he delves two fingers in her and begins to pulse them in and out. Her fingers dig into his back and a soft, awed “Oh,” falls from her lips.

 

“You feel so good around my hand, I can’t believe you want me. Oh, gods, Rey, tell me you want me.”

 

“I want you Ben, so badly.” Then she’s sitting up slightly, pulling his shirt from her body. All that soft, soft skin, just for him and he lies on his side, groaning as he feels their bodies pressed together, never ceasing the thrusts of his fingers.

 

She’s making panting, breathy little sounds that go straight to his cock. His mouth waters to taste her, but he contents himself by shifting down and pulling her succulent nipple between his lips. As he sucks, she arches off the bed and one of her hands fists in his hair. Godsdamn, he could only burn like this for her.

 

Unconsciously, he thrusts his hardness against her thigh, needing friction to relieve the growing ache in his center. As he draws his fingers out, he makes sure to reach that place inside her that always makes her whimper, just like she is now.

 

Not wanting her other breast to be neglected, he moves to her other delectable point and again she gasps as he latches on. Rey, Rey, Rey.

 

He slips another finger into her tight heat and he thinks she’s ready. He doesn’t want to hurt her, stars, he doesn’t want to hurt her. Everything he’d read said it shouldn’t hurt if he’d taken care. If he hurt her, he’d never forgive himself.

 

“Ben, please.”

 

Breathing hard, he holds her eyes. “Are you … are you sure you’re … ready?”

 

“I need you, I need you inside, please.”

 

Suddenly, he’s almost unforgivably nervous as he moves over her body, taking his cock in his hand. He _needs_ so badly for this to feel good for her.

 

He wants to hold her eyes as he presses into her, but … he has to be able to see what he’s doing and he freezes with indecision. Tremors move through him and he doesn’t know what to do!

 

“Here,” she says softly, her eyes full of understanding. Rey reaches between them and he hisses with pleasure as she slips the head of his cock between her drenched folds. Oh … oh …

 

Locking his eyes with hers, he slowly, so slowly, pushes into her and gods, he didn’t know, he didn’t know! She’s so perfect, tight and soft, velvet and heat. This … it’s … she’s … he can’t think.

 

Then he’s seated fully in her and they both blink slowly. “Rey …. I … you feel like ….

 

“.... The bond, oh Maker, Ben, you feel like the bond!”

 

He can’t help it, his eyes well with tears. He hasn’t lost the bond with her, it’s right here in their joining. In that moment he knows, he _knows_ with his entire soul that nothing, nothing, not even the Force, can ever part them.

 

With equally wet eyes, she smiles up at him. “Move, please move. Let me feel you.”

 

He can never deny her anything and he starts to gently pull back then thrust home. He makes a noise he didn’t even know he could as he tries to fathom the bliss flowing through his body. “You feel so good, love, gods, so _good_ ,” he croons.

 

“Faster, please, faster,” she begs.

 

Panic wells in him, “I … I don’t think I can last if I do, sweetheart.”

 

“I don’t care,” she almost growls. “I need you.”

 

His body desperately wants to drive into her and he lets instinct reign. Their bodies know what to do and her legs come up around his waist, pulling him into her. Soon he’s babbling incoherently and he just has to keep moving, thrusting, merging with _Rey_.

 

Oh, gods, he didn’t think she could feel any better, but she’s started to clench around him and he wants to hold on for her, but he can’t!

 

“Rey, Maker, I can’t … I can’t hold on!” he gasps out and then white hot pleasure bursts behind his eyes as he lets out a mighty roar, one final thrust and he’s coming so hard he can’t see.

 

“Rey! I love you, Rey!”

 

Gasping above her, he takes in her he flushed face and her satisfied expression. She breathes out, “That was … I don’t have words. What did you do to me?”

 

“But … you didn’t …” Hot shame runs through him.

 

“Oh, Ben, I truly don’t care,” she dismisses as she strokes her hands up and down his back. He can still feel her twitching against him and he decides he’s _not_ going to leave her wanting.

 

“Well I do,” he grouses and he pulls from her, noting the look of frustration on her face.

 

Then he kisses down her body and finds her gorgeous pink perfection at the apex of her thighs. He wonders if he should care that she’s literally dripping with him, but decides her pleasure is far more important and he dives in.

 

He grins as he feels her hands in his hair and hears her moan his name.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, lovely ArtemisBare, who made me promise to pick up the next chapter right where we left off.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is patiently waiting to take me to a museum after I post.
> 
> Thank you readers! It's truly glorious to be writing again! You are all absolute gems.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre continue to play with their new toy. Then Space Eyre has a nightmare triggered by Hux's treatment of her.
> 
> *Please note that there's mention of unwanted groping over clothing in this chapter.

“I can’t, please, I can’t!” Rey whines.

 

“Oh I think you can,” he rumbles against her hard little nub. He can feel her walls beginning to flutter again around his fingers and he gently sucks at the center of her pleasure.

 

“Ung, Ben!”

 

He’s already brought her over the edge twice and he’s determined to wring one more orgasm out of her. It’s quite possible he enjoys her ecstasy more than his own.

 

Yes, oh _yes_. Her thighs are beginning to quake and he senses how she’s trying not to crush his head between them. But how he wishes she would, trap his face right here, never let him go.

 

He curls his two fingers within her, drawing them back and forth across that holy patch that always, always makes her crest this mountain they climb together. Smirking against her heat, he thanks his tendency towards inhaling information. Once he was able to touch her, all of his hours of reading had made so much more sense.

 

“Ben!” she keens as her heels dig into his back and one of her hands finds his hair again. He moans into her, loving how she can’t stop from touching him.

 

Now she’s pulling his face nearer and he knows what that means. She’s close, she’s _very_ close. He begins to swirl his tongue up under her hood, firmly and with a constant rhythm. When he’d deviated, tried different tempos, she’d almost snarled at him. He learns quickly.

 

Oh, she’s panting. He _adores_ it when she pants, the little sounds she makes between breaths, telling him he’s giving her what she needs.

 

“So good, so good, so good,” she chants.

 

Then her walls close around his hand, nearly pushing him out as they convulse. There, _there_ it is. Rey is calling out nonsense so loudly he wonders if it echoes along the corridor. He’d like that.

 

Her hips thrust against his face as she rides out her bliss. Then she stills and he knows she’s travelled the last wave. With one final soft lick, he pulls his face away from her gorgeous, perfect, _divine_ center and discretely wipes his face with his hand.

 

He looks up from between her knees to find her blinking down on him, dazed and sated.

 

“Told you,” he teases with smug pride.

 

She smiles lazily. “Well if that’s what you do when I don’t agree with you, we’ll be arguing quite a bit.”

 

Humming appreciatively, he kisses his way up her belly, between her breasts, her neck, until he’s at her face, his cock nestled between her wet folds. He’d been so long between her thighs it’s beginning to twitch back to life.

 

Looking down on her face, his breath catches at how exquisite she is. Her skin is flushed, her eyes glowing and satisfied. He … he made love to Rey … _with_ Rey.  His heart is so full of her that for a moment he can only drink her in, letting the sense of completeness wash over him.

 

Her brow quirks and she pushes a bit of his hair behind his ear. “What is it?”

 

“It’s … it’s just …” Suddenly his throat is tight with joy, the feelings so strong he can’t give them voice.

 

“Ben?” she asks, now looking worried.

 

Shaking his head, he manages to say, “I just love you so much. The only thing I regret about losing the Force is that I can no longer show you, share these feelings with you. There aren’t words in any language to explain what’s inside of me.”

 

Rey’s face breaks into a beautiful smile and she strokes his cheek with her fingers. “You don’t need the Force for that. I know. I feel it, too.” Then she wraps her arms around him and pulls him down until his face is hidden at her neck and she holds him so tightly.

 

Her fingers thread through his hair as she whispers, “Every time you touch me, I feel it. Every time you look at me, I feel it. I know Ben, I know.”

 

Shuddering against her, his eyes grow wet and he crushes her to him. Closer, he needs to be closer to her.

 

“I need you,” he whispers against her soft skin. “I need you, Rey.”

 

“Yes, yes.” Her voice is low and he shifts until he’s looking into her eyes.

 

They hold each other’s gaze and she reaches between them, stroking him until he’s hot and thick in her hand. It doesn’t take long. She places him against her and he feels himself throb in anticipation.

 

She’s so wet from his ministrations that he slips into her easily, neither of them quite meaning him to.

 

He’s not so overwhelmed by sensation this time and is better able to focus on everything he’s feeling. Oh, stars, he’s … he and Rey are joined completely and he begins to thrust into her gently. Being inside her is indescribable, otherworldly, _sacred_. It truly does feel like the bond being given physical form.

 

His elbows are on either side of her head, staying as close to her as he can. His eyes never stray from hers and he never, ever wants to leave this hallowed place. She heals him, with everything she does, she makes him whole.

 

Closing the scant distance, he kisses her deeply and it creates almost a feedback loop. They’re as connected as two people can be, all points touching, merging, melding. All that there is is _Rey_.

 

They’re hips move together, building a languid pace that somehow ignites a deeper heat between them. Breaking the kiss, he finds her eyes again. They widen and she gasps in surprise.

 

“Gods!” he calls out as he feels her start to contract around him. Oh please, please, let her have just one more. Let him _feel_ her.

 

“I-I-I- think I’m, oh Ben!” she cries as her orgasm hits her. This one seems to go on forever and the amazing feeling of her walls caressing his length like this is enough to start his own pleasure building to that inevitable end.

 

Thrusting harder, he finds her lips again and kisses her passionately. “Maker, Rey, I don’t think anything will ever feel as good as you coming undone around me,” he admits between kisses.

 

She smiles that knowing smile, then she rolls her hips, shifting his angle. Oh holy hell, that’s it, he’s gone. Desperately, he finds her eyes and holds them as he spills into her, needing to see her, anchor himself to her, his purpose, his love, his everything.

 

Rey is worth everything.

 

\---

 

They breathe heavily, wrapped around each other as they recover. Her head is against his chest and he cradles her head with one arm, the other holding her protectively to him. Their legs are tangled together, and he just floats in the bliss.

 

For a long time they simply enjoy this new place of closeness and joyous vulnerability.

 

He’s startled when she rips from his side and sits up quickly. “Re-”

 

“The implant! I never got the implant!”

 

It takes him a moment to understand what she’s saying; she’s moving a bit too quickly for him.

 

“Ben, are you listening!” she exclaims, her hand at her abdomen. “What if it’s too late?”

 

Fully caught up, he takes her hand in his, “No, no it’s fine. I have one. After we talked about it I had it taken care of. Everything is fine.”

 

Her shoulders relax and she lets out a long breath. “Oh thank the Maker.”

 

Rey’s obvious relief twangs something in him and he frowns slightly. Would it really be so awful? He thinks of the ring back with what he’d left with TL. It had been stupid to bring it, but he hadn’t wanted to come here without it.

 

“Ben,” she nudges.

 

“Hmmm?” he responds, still feeling a bit rejected.

 

“I’m not saying I don’t want that. Someday. But I’m only 20 and there’s a war going on.”

 

He looks up at her and blinks a bit. He forgets how young she is, her hard life making her so much more capable. It makes everything she’s been through that much more horrific and he pulls her back down into bed.

 

“I know, you’re right … But … someday, it would be … nice.” Would she accept him now, without the Force?

 

There’s a beat of silence a bit too long, but then she’s nodding against his chest. “Yeah … yeah it would be,” she says in a soft, hopeful voice.

 

Kissing her at her temple, he breathes in her scent, bundling her closer. Part of him is so eager to ask her to bind their lives together that he has to clench his jaw to keep the words from tumbling out.

 

_Marry me, marry me, marry me._

 

But he knows it’s too soon, and besides, he doesn’t have the ring with him now. Stormtrooper armor didn’t exactly come with safe little pockets. He needs to say something, though.

 

“I want to make a life with you, Rey.”

 

Her hand makes small patterns on his chest. “Me too,” she murmurs.

 

His grin is so wide it almost hurts.

 

\---

 

Sounds of distress begin to pull him from sleep. Then his eyes snap open as he hears Rey moan, “No, please, stop.”

 

Shifting her swiftly in his arms so that she’s on her back and he’s on his side next to her, he tries to wake her. Her eyes open, but, something isn’t right.

 

She looks down at his hands on her and screams, “Stop touching me! No more hands, no more, no more, please!”

 

Immediately he complies, knowing she’s still trapped in her nightmare. “Rey, love, you need to wake up.”

 

She curls into a little ball and starts to cry. “No more, please, stop. Please, please, please.”

 

What happened to her? What the hell else did Hux _do_? She keeps rocking and babbling and his heart is shattering to see her like this.

 

Frowning, not wanting to do this, he takes her firmly by the shoulders.

 

“No hands!” she shrieks.

 

“I know sweetheart, I know.” He shakes her firmly, ordering, “Rey, you need to wake up. Right now.”

 

With one more firm shake, he sees the fog lift but her eyes are still filled with terror. “Oh, gods, Ben!” she wails as she throws herself into his arms.

 

“Shhh, shhh.”

 

She cries and cries in his arms, until she’s choking and gasping. “Rey, you need to calm down, you have to breathe for me. In and out, come on, please, breathe with me.”

 

Eventually she calms as they breathe together. He holds her silently, waiting for her to speak. Finally, she says weakly,” I’m sorry.”

 

“No, no, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“I just … I haven’t had that dream in a long time.”

 

“What … what was it?”

 

“It’s stupid,” she says dismissively.

 

“You were completely terrified, I’m certain it’s not stupid.”

 

He maneuvers them until his back is against the headboard and she’s nestled between his thighs. Stroking her back, he whispers, “Please tell me, beloved.”

 

Rey sighs shakily. “When … when I was 13, when _these_ showed up,” she says with venom, gesturing to her breasts. “Things got harder.”

 

He tenses. “Rey … did someone … hurt you?”

 

“Yes, but not how you mean. They tried though.”

 

“Who?” he asks with feigned calm. He might be trying to be a better man, but anyone who has hurt her _will_ die.

 

But she heard the menace. “If I tell you, you promise you won’t go running off to Jakku?”

 

His lips purse. “There’s a war on, we have to handle that first,” he evades.

 

“Ever.”

 

Working his jaw he finally grumbles. “Fine.” He hasn’t promised not to send anyone, however. “I won’t go to Jakku. Now, please tell me. I hate not knowing what’s hurt you.”

 

She cranes her neck and catches his eyes. “You really do love me, don’t you?” she asks with a touch of awe.

 

That softens his mood and he strokes her cheek. “I really, really do.”

 

With a hint of a smile she settles back into his arms. After a while she begins to speak. “Slavers. I was on an extended trek to the edge of the Graveyard, trying to find specialized parts. Plutt always paid more for those. The slavers caught me. The pleasure slavers.”

 

His fingers tighten around her but he stays silent.

 

“They put me in a cage but didn’t search me. They weren’t very smart. But before … before I could get away, they … played with me. Grabbed me, my breasts … everywhere. They didn’t get under my clothes, the leader wouldn’t let them. Said I’d be worth more _untouched_.”

 

It takes all of his control to keep his promise and his silence.

 

She lets out a shuddering breath. “Anyway, I used my knife to cut the leather holding the bars together and got out of there after they’d passed out. But … I started having that dream … that nightmare, where they’re touching me and I can’t get away.”

 

“I want to take all of that pain from you Rey. I hate that I didn’t know. I would have come for you if I had. You know that, don’t you?”

 

“Yes, I know,” she says softly.

 

A horrible thought comes for him then and he twists to look at her face. “That nightmare, did you have it because I ... touched you?”

 

Her eyes fly wide, “No! No … It happens when I have no control, like when Hux had that knife to my throat. I … I think that brought it up. You could never, ever make me think of that.” But then her eyes blink and slide from his.

 

“Rey?”

 

A deeply troubled look crosses her face. “I … I just remembered that’s not quite true. I did have the nightmare after … Starkiller.”

 

His eyes close in pain as he remembers how he strapped her down to the interrogation table, taking her control from her. Keeping his eyes closed he says, “I’m so sorry. I … I never should have treated you like that. I should have listened to what the Force was telling me, not Snoke.”

 

He opens his eyes and finds her smiling sadly. She looks up into his face, rubbing his arm. “Well, it’s different now.”

 

Shaking his head angrily he bursts out, “No! I knew, from the moment I saw you, I _knew_ there was something between us, I just didn’t know enough to understand what those feelings _were_. It wasn’t until later that I saw. But … the feelings were there, right from the beginning.”

 

“But you didn’t know anything about me.”

 

“I knew _everything_ about you the minute I saw you, I just didn’t realize it.”

 

She scoffs. “What could you possibly have known about me?”

 

“That you are the only woman I will ever love.”

 

Her brows rise high on her forehead and she blinks. “Oh.” A lovely blush spills across her cheeks.

 

Cupping her face, he searches her eyes. “You really had no idea how captivated I was by you?”

 

This time an inelegant snort is her answer.

 

“What?” he asks, mildly affronted.

 

“Ben … you chased me across the snow with a lightsaber.”

 

Cold sweeps through his chest. “You didn’t … you didn’t feel anything?”

 

Her eyes grow furtive. “I didn’t say that,” she says slowly.

 

His fingers stroke along her slender neck and she shivers. “What did you feel? Please tell me.”

 

Now she does look him in the eyes. “You were right. I felt it too. I didn’t know what it was either … not until Ahch-To, when I allowed myself to recognize what I’d been feeling.”

 

“And what was that?”

 

Her cheeks are absolutely flaming when she admits, “I wish I could tell you I knew that I loved you … but … well, I … I _wanted_ you.”

 

“Oh really? So when you came to me it was to wrestle me into bed?” He hadn’t realized it was love until much later, himself.

 

“No!” She bats at his chest. “I came to help you.”

 

“Hmmm,” he teases.

 

“I did!”

 

He grows serious. “I know you did, love. I know. And you helped me more than anyone ever has.”

 

She sniffs imperiously and he can’t help but smile. “Thank you for your faith in me. You freed me, your faith, your compassion … thank you.”

 

A mischievous look crosses her face. “Well, I do know _one_ way you could show your gratitude …” she says coyly as she walks her fingers down his chest, a clear destination in mind.

 

He knows he should insist they sleep. They only have a few more hours before their little respite will be over. But …

 

To hell with it. He’s never slept much anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who made me promise that Rey would get her cookies this chapter. I hope I delivered, m'dear.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for 17 years of unfailing love and support. We met on August 24, 2001 and it was love at first sight. Mr. Downing has always had serious BDE.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm sorry there's only one chapter this week. But I always struggle with the final act of a story and this is proving to be the case here. Your support and generous comments and kudos make a huge difference. <3


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre continue to be Space Bunnies, then they finally meet Galactic Morpheus.

Oh … oh that’s _nice_ … sleep falls away as Rey nuzzles along his jaw. Then she lightly nibbles his ear before breathing out, “Wake up, Ben.”

 

“Mmmm,” he manages. Gods, he’s never been this comfortable in his life. Her breath had sent shivers up his spine and he has her tucked next to him, half draped across his chest. He’s warm, he’s safe, he loves and he’s loved.

 

“They’ll come looking for us soon,” Rey coos.

 

Wrapping her in his arms he rolls them until he’s on top of her, caged beneath his much larger frame. It’s his turn to kiss and bite along her neck and he grumbles, “I’m never leaving this bed and neither are you.”

 

She giggles the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard and bats at him. “I don’t think that’s practical.”

 

“Don’t care.” Now he’s attacking her neck in earnest and she starts to gasp. Yes, that’s it, that’s what he needs. What they both need.

 

“Do you want them to find us like this?” she admonishes, but he can tell she doesn’t mean it.

 

“Still don’t care,” he says then captures her lips. Oh, stars, her lips are so soft and feel perfect. Her hips roll against his and he’s hopeful indeed for another round.

 

They’d spent most of the rest of the night lost in a haze of love and soul-branding lust. He thinks they may have managed a few little naps here and there after her nightmare, but they’d not left each other alone for long.

 

Her hands trail down his back, then she grasps him by his flanks and pulls him to her, hard. Oh, it’s like that is it? She feels hot and slick against his already straining erection, but he reaches between them to make sure she’s ready.

 

Entirely unprepared, he lets out an awkward grunt when she snakes her legs around him and flips him on his back. Gods it turns him on when she’s so forceful, making it abundantly clear how much she wants him.

 

“I’m ready,” she purrs into his ear and he moans long and deep. Her warm, wet center drags up his length and now he’s calling out her name.

 

She has him notched just inside her but she doesn’t move and he tries to pull down on her thighs, whining in need. Rey just grins at him.

 

“Please, _please_. I need to be inside you.”

 

“Like this?” she teases as she sinks down an inch but then she brings herself back up, dragging along the tip of his cock.

 

It’s such delicious torture, the hint of the bliss he only knows when sunk deeply inside his beloved. It aches _beautifully_.

 

“ _Please_ ,” he begs.

 

The door alert sounds and it startles her into sitting back on him quickly, taking all of him into her in one swift stroke.

 

“Ung,” he chokes out, the feeling of her tight around him nearly shorting out his brain.

 

Now there’s loud knocking. “Come on, lovebirds. Time to save the galaxy,” Lando’s voice slices through their delirious lovemaking.

 

Her eyes widen almost comically, but then she gets a wicked look on her face and starts to slowly ride him.

 

“Ben? Rey?” Lando calls.

 

Ben bites his lip to keep from groaning as she moves at an agonizing pace, her eyes lit with a teasing fire that hints at many future games. She’s going to be the end of him, he’s absolutely certain of that. He’s equally certain he’d never want to go any other way.

 

“I heard you, I know you’re in there.”

 

Then Rey’s eyes glint and he can’t help it, he calls out, loudly, when she starts to push down on him with hard thrusts, causing him to go so deep, oh gods, so _deep_.

 

“I’m going to get the override code from that Analyst Bast if you don’t get out here in five minutes.” He thinks he hears a grumbled, “Solos.”

 

That breaks through his desire addled brain and he stutters, “Fif- uh- fifteen min-minutes!”

 

Lando barks a laugh and shouts back. “Yeah, okay. Damned kids …”

 

Rey starts to laugh and puts her hand over her mouth to stifle the sound, trying to maintain some discretion, but she doesn’t stop grinding herself down on the base of his cock.

 

“Godsdamn, love,” he moans appreciatively. “You … you’re indescribable.”

 

Her fingers curl into his chest as she braces herself to take him even faster and her eyes lock with his. Gripping her waist he helps her keep a fraught and heady pace, forgetting completely that there may be people waiting for them.

 

They groan and words of love and devotion, depravity and lust spill from their mouths as they sync together, the wave pleasure bearing down on both of them.

 

He can _feel_ how her orgasm is building and he growls low in his throat, his own release growing taught in his core. Such sweet tension.

 

Pulling her face to his, she keeps her hips moving as he kisses her, tongues tangling. Her perfect little breasts drag along his heated skin and he’s overtaken by nothing but feeling his Rey.

 

They gasp and moan into each other’s mouths as they both fall, catching each other as their pleasure riots through them.

 

She rides out their exquisite ecstasy then pulls back, sitting back on his thighs. Ben whimpers at the loss of her around him. Her hair is all over the place, her skin glowing with exertion.

 

“Oh my gods, Ben,” she groans out.

 

“I know, I know …”

 

Another knock at their door. “Solo, get your ass out here!” Dameron’s voice grates along Ben’s sated mood.

 

Now Rey doesn’t even try to stop her laughter.

 

“Alright, alright, we’re coming!” Ben shouts.

 

“Yeah, we know,” a chorus of voices reply.

 

Rey falls over on the bed from laughing so hard.

 

\---

 

Lando slaps his back as soon as they join everyone on the bridge. “The Corellian apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?”

 

Ben’s lips purse. He doesn’t really have the energy—or strength—to handle ribbing from Lando right now. As soon as he’d had to separate from Rey the crushing emptiness from losing the Force had come for him, and his hands have a slight tremor.

 

He feels like he’s naked with his back to the door. Anyone could take him right now and there’s nothing he could do about it. During their shower, Rey had assured him that his natural strength made that unlikely.

 

While he’d liked how she had admired his body when she’d said it, he’s still extremely wary. It isn’t his own safety that concerns him. It’s Rey’s. He can’t protect her now, and it eats at him. He used to be able to tell himself that their shared strength in the Force made him worthy of her.

 

Without it though … what is he? He’s just a lumbering giant of a man with blood on his hands and nothing to show for it. He’d destroyed his life for the Force and now he’s … nothing.

 

“Hey, kid … you okay?” Lando asks, real concern on his face.

 

Pulling himself from his trance, Ben tries to smile but it’s more of a grimace. “Yes, I’m fine,” he lies unconvincingly.

 

“Uh huh-”

 

“Lando, he’s fine. Don’t worry, alright?” Rey cuts in, holding the other man’s eyes firmly.

 

He nods slowly, but his brow is creased in worry.

 

TL and Zed haven’t arrived yet. The bridge is only about half staffed with stormtroopers and a handful of officers. Ben recognizes a few of the officers, but of course he doesn’t know any of the stormtroopers without their helmets.

 

As he scans, he’s startled to see Analyst Bast at the helm. He strides over and says, “Analyst Bast, you’re a long way from Sector 5.”

 

The slim young man jumps from his chair awkwardly. “Supreme Leader, sir!” he exclaims, soluting quickly.

 

Ben blinks, stunned for a moment. Is he still the Supreme Leader? How could he possibly hold power without the Force. Of course, no one but Rey knows that …

 

He looks down on himself, seeing that he still wears his old garb. It was all that was available in his quarters. Glancing over at Rey, he smiles. She’s in a mismatched collection of his clothing and her own yet she manages to look like a queen with her straight spine and proud bearing.

 

Then he notices Bast shifting on his feet and he returns his attention to the eager young man. “Well Analyst Bast, how did you end up at the helm?”

 

“Well, none of the remaining officers had the training, so here I am.” HIs lack of guile is refreshing.

 

Ben raises a brow. “And how did you get this training?”

 

“Well, I … it wasn’t formal, sir. I just … pick up things.” The analyst’s hands flail a bit.

 

Ben nods. He knows all about simply understanding new things without really trying. But perhaps that was only because of the Force. His shoulders fall slightly as he realizes his loss of the Force will change literally everything about his life.

 

He senses movement and turns to find Rey has joined him. Another painful sting. He used to just _know_ where she was. He has to stop thinking about it!

 

Rey’s hand curls into his and he’s instantly more at peace. Something about touching her makes him feel like complete. Perhaps it’s her Force connection or just that she seems to truly be his other half. It’s not like having the Force back, it’s something much more essential.

 

“And who is this?” Rey inquires.

 

“Analyst Bast, ma’am,” he says brightly, offering his hand. Rey shakes it firmly and and an amused smile plays across her face.

 

“I’m Rey.”

 

“Oh! Lady Rey!” Bast exclaims.

 

“Lady Rey? What?” she asks in confusion.

 

“I … I assumed, since you’re uh … the Supreme Leader’s … uh ….” Bast stutters, looking suddenly terrified.

 

But Rey just grins and Ben doesn’t really have it in him to menace the poor analyst. “Well, I certainly am Ben’s,” Rey replies and he rather likes that. She’s his, no title needed. He’d wanted her to be Lady Rey, very badly, but now he just wants her by his side, preferably as his wife.

 

Once it becomes clear that no reprimand will be forthcoming for Correll Bast, he hesitantly asks, “Ben?”

 

Right. That’s going to have to be addressed. Clearing his throat, Ben explains, “My birth name is Ben Solo. I have retaken it. I will no longer be known as Kylo Ren.”

 

The analyst’s eyes widen ridiculously. “Solo as in …”

 

“Yes,” Ben says stiffly.

 

Bast’s expression grows perplexed. “But you-”

 

“Have a great deal to do,” Rey interrupts, stopping Bast from putting his foot in his mouth yet again. But the damage is done.

 

She threads her arm through his and pulls him away. “Do you have … uh, an office or something?”

 

It takes a moment for Ben to understand her question, already thinking about how he killed his father. He’d always looked down on Han Solo, for so many reasons, but chief among them was that he didn’t have the Force. Gods, everything, _everything_ is untangling so quickly.

 

“Ben?”

 

Shakily he says, “There are chambers … for the Supreme Leader. I don’t know if they’re still mine.”

 

“Well, let’s go look, okay?” Her eyes are soft and encouraging. Maker, he hopes she really will let him keep her.

 

“Yes, yes alright.”

 

Her hand tightens around his bicep and he centers himself with her touch as he guides them towards his old chambers.

 

\---

 

The doors slide open and they stop immediately, finding TL and a woman they don’t recognize huddled over the desk, looking at a holo of the fleet positions.

 

“Oh!” Rey squeaks. “We’re sorry-”

 

“No, no,” the woman says, standing up from the desk. She comes around to greet them. She’s in a strange collection of clothing. The undersuit of a stormtrooper with a long purple vest. TL smiles but stays next to the desk.

 

Ben isn’t certain, but he suspects this is Zed. She’s shorter than Rey with dark hair, cropped short and shot through with silver. Her skin is pale and her eyes are an unremarkable shade of brown.

 

She crosses the cavernous room in quick strides and holds her hand out to Rey, “You must be the Jedi Rey.” Her voice is warm and almost maternal. She appears to be somewhat younger than his mother.

 

“I am,” Rey guardedly acknowledges.

 

“I’m known as Zed, but I was born Shree.”

 

As soon as their hands touch Rey’s eyes fly wide, “You … you’re …”

 

Zed … Shree? Whatever her name is, she smiles again and inclines her head. “I am.”

 

Ben is utterly perplexed by the exchange. Does Rey know this woman?

 

“And you, Supreme Leader, it is a genuine pleasure to meet you. She repeats her gesture and he finds himself shaking her hand, but she looks at him oddly.

 

Rey suddenly looks panicked. “Isn’t it amazing that she’s Force sensitive? What do you prefer to be called, Shree or Zed?” Rey babbles.

 

Oh, his darling. Rey had felt the Force in this woman and she’s trying to cover for him. It’s unnecessary; he doesn’t find it in himself to lie about his loss.

 

“I prefer Shree, but will answer to either,” she says. “The troops know me as Zed and I found it easier to accept that moniker.” Then her attention moves to Ben. “But you … Supreme Leader-”

 

“I’ve lost the Force,” he admits simply, cutting her off. He doesn’t want to go into it.

 

Shree’s face shifts quickly to compassion. “Oh, oh no.”

 

“It’s fine,” he says tightly, though it isn’t. “My only concern is how this will impact my ability to assist with your cause.”

 

“Not yours?” Shree asks shrewdly.

 

“I’m finding it better that I don’t follow my own judgement.”

 

Rey peers up at him, questions screaming from her eyes. They haven’t talked much about what role he sees for himself in this odd alliance they’re building because he truly has no idea. “In that respect, perhaps you might simply call me Ben Solo.”

 

“Oh, no, Supreme Leader, we need you right where you are.”

 

“But, without the Force …”

 

“It hasn’t changed your face or your legacy. You are the perfect poster boy for a reformed First Order. Scion of heroes of the New Republic and protege of our deceased First Supreme Leader. You are exactly what we need.”

 

Ben’s jaw drops, leaving him, he’s certain, looking quite stupid. “I thought … I thought perhaps you would take the title.”

 

“Another Supreme Leader months after the loss of the first? No, we need stability if we have any chance of real change. We currently control roughly a third of the fleet, though a few of the ships taken are on shaky ground. But I’m certain once you frame it that those not with us are the rebels, that we fought to keep you safe … well, many will come to our aid.”

 

He can almost feel his mother grinning from her place in the Force. Shree is right. It is, after all, all about optics.

 

“I won’t lie about losing the Force,” he says with a touch of heat.

 

Shree frowns. “How did that happen? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

 

Rey, who has only watched silently, as has TL, says, “He sacrificed his Force connection to save my life from Armitage Hux.” Her voice is strong and proud and he longs to see himself as she seems to.

 

“That’s … that’s, well, frankly, that’s beautiful,” Shree offers and Ben is surprised to see a hint of tears in her eyes.

 

“Yes, well … it’s … Rey,” he mumbles uncomfortably.

 

He feels eyes on him and turns to see TL looking at him. “I’m sorry, Ben,” his friend says sincerely.

 

Ben finds himself shrugging like a teenager. He doesn’t like talking about such things with anyone but Rey. “Anyway, I won’t pretend I still have it.”

 

Shree smiles sympathetically. “No, I wouldn’t ask that of you. I don’t think it matters.”

 

“Of course it matters!” he flares, suddenly choking on jealousy that this _stormtrooper_ has the Force when he does not.

 

Rey’s hand soothes along his arm and he looks down on her beautiful face. “Ben, no, it’s not all you are, it’s not all you have to give.”

 

He just scoffs. Of course it’s all he had. It’s all he’s ever had.

 

Shree holds his eyes for a long time. Her eyes are kind, kind like his mother’s and Rey’s. How did she hold on to so much humanity within the First Order?

 

“Just listen to our plan. I think you’ll find you are worth far more than you think you are, Ben Solo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beloved ArtemisBare who continues to turn these chapters around in lightning speed while always making me guffaw. She is marvelously salty.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who was confused when I told him he was such a good husband after sitting through a three hour musical. Oh, darling, you're so marvelously unaware of how perfect you are.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm so glad you're still here. I know I was gone for a long time, but I greatly appreciate that many of you are still with me. We're in the last stretch and I want to throw a big party for you all!


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy gets absolutely wasted and finds out he's still got his mojo.

“This … this could work,” Dameron muses. “What do you think?” he asks Ben, bringing him out of his dull trance.

 

Ben hasn’t participated beyond vaguely listening to what Shree and TL had to say. They’ve outlined a rather straight forward plan to flood the holonet with the truth behind Hux’s betrayal. Make sure the galaxy knows that it was mutiny, not the recounting Hux had released. They can easily distribute the truth to all First Order ships through Shree’s extensive underground contacts among the stormtroopers.

 

Then they wait, see which other ships will believe the narrative. Since it’s the literal truth, he thinks it might work but he’s having trouble caring.

 

Rey breaks in first. “What are we going to tell them about Snoke’s death? Ben’s right to rule could be challenged.”

 

Shree sits back and smiles slightly. “We continue to tell the truth. Snoke was a cancer, eating away at the First Order, taking strong ideals and perverting them with the need for power. Starkiller Base never sat well with the majority of the troopers and quite a few of the officers. It won’t be difficult to point to that as the sign he needed to die. And it’s true. More or less. I wouldn’t mind knowing what really happened, however.” She looks at Rey keenly. “Something tells me you didn’t manage to kill Snoke and his guards single handedly.”

 

Rey looks at Ben swiftly and he sighs. He doesn’t … he doesn’t want to be here. He just wants to hide away with Rey but everyone keeps looking at him like he should have answers when he doesn’t even remember what the questions are any longer.

 

But Rey’s eyes widen and she’s nodding at him, encouraging him to speak.

 

“He threatened Rey,” is all he says, the fury of that day coming out in his tone.

 

“And …” Shree nudges.

 

He doesn’t want to speak of this. Now he understands that this was the moment he had to turn it all the right direction and he’d squandered it on his pride and blindness. But everyone is now looking at him with eagerness and his shoulders hunch.

 

“And I had to choose. There was no choice to make. I killed him then Rey and I fought the guards together.” It’s the least he could possibly say, but how could he verbalize what it had felt like? That moment of complete exhileration, the way she’d looked at him the first time that he _knew_ , beyond all doubt, that he wasn’t a monster in her eyes. Before he’d ruined everything with his hubris.

 

Shree smiles broadly. “And would you be comfortable with including that in the official recounting of events?”

 

He shrugs. “It’s the truth.” He’ll agree to whatever they want, just let him _leave!_

 

“I think you’ll find, Supreme Leader, that there are few in the galaxy that would blame you for ending Snoke. And … well it doesn’t hurt that it’s a love story.”

 

Now Ben _does_ pay closer attention. “Are you suggesting we use my love for Rey as propaganda?” His tone is low and dangerous. Rey will not be used. Ever.

 

Shree sits up straighter. “You just said it was the truth. Can the truth be propaganda?” He doesn’t know, he just doesn’t like the idea. What they have … it’s private. Besides, he has no way of knowing she’ll _stay_. Not with him crippled as he is.

 

Rey soothes her hand along his arm and he blinks at her, feeling confused and out of his depth. He’s been a warrior for so long he’s forgotten how to play this game. Rudderless, undone.

 

Who is he!

 

He has to get out of here. He can’t breathe, he can’t think. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t!

 

“I … I’m sorry, I-I have to go.” He stands up swiftly and strides from his old chamber ignoring Rey’s calls of his name.

 

Dammit.

 

\---

 

Outside that horrible room, his head is bent and he’s breathing in harshly, not quite sure why his heart is beating so fast. He just doesn’t really understand what’s happening any longer. It’s like his life has become unstitched and the last 15 years simply evaporated. He’s back as a teenager, dreaming of being a senator just like his mother, avidly learning everything he could.

 

This _used_ to make sense. He’d spent so many late nights when his mother would indulge him, planning what came next, her looking so bright and hopeful.

 

But where are those skills now? He’d planned on following her footsteps then it had all gone to hell when they’d sent him to Luke. Who is he now? Who is he!

 

He grasps his head and starts to pace. It would be so easy to just start screaming but he knows he can’t unravel like that. Even though he is.

 

“Solo,” Dameron offers neutrally as he appears seemingly out of nowhere. Godsdamn he _hates_ that people can sneak up on him now.

 

Why did the pilot come looking for him? He’d thought Rey would be the one to come. “Where’s Rey?” he asks brusquely.

 

“I convinced her I should be the one to come talk to you. It wasn’t easy. That girl loves you.”

 

“I know,” he says softly. “But why you?” Ben challenges.

 

“Something is wrong with you and I have just the answer.”

 

Ben snorts an ugly sound.

 

“Look, Solo, Rey told me. You’ve lost the Force. Big deal, now you’re just like the rest of us mortals and we all manage pretty damned well without it.”

 

“Big deal? Big deal!!!” he roars. “It was my entire life, you imbecile. Without it I’m nothing, nothing!” He looms over Dameron and oh how he wants to punch him.

 

But there’s no fear in his eyes. He just nods knowingly. “Yeah, you need to get good and drunk. Come on.”

 

Dameron starts walking. When he reaches the end of the corridor, he looks over his shoulder, “You coming?”

 

“I … I …” Up is down and down is up and a part of him just wants to follow anyone who will tell him what to do.

 

“Seriously, man, beat feet!”

 

Suddenly the idea of getting completely out of his head on drink sounds _perfect_. Wait … what about Rey? “I should, I should tell Rey.”

 

“I’ve got you covered, big guy. She’s on board. Now let’s go!”

 

\---

 

Dameron takes them to a planet he’s never heard of, Lynosh. It was only a short jump away and he’s already wondering what the hell he’d been thinking. He almost wishes Lando was with them.

 

“Alright, so this place has a great diversion district. Not much law enforcement, strong drinks. It’s perfect. But, you do have to watch it. They police their own.”

 

“I don’t intend to cause trouble, Dameron.”

 

“It’s Poe,”

 

“As I said, _Dameron_.” He still remembers this man had his hands on Rey and he’s not likely to forget it any time soon.

 

The pilot sighs heavily. “Okay, big guy, let’s go.”

 

\---

 

“No, no way,” Ben says, shaking his head. They’re outside a Pleasure Bar and there is no way he would want to ogle other women, or men, for that matter. How would Rey feel? How would _he_ feel?

 

“ _Please_? Solo, it’s been almost a _year_ since I’ve seen a breast.”

 

Ben looks down on the annoying man. He supposes he might be a bit … eager if it had been that long since he’d been with Rey, but he can’t imagine slacking that thirst with other women and he feels incredibly uncomfortable.

 

“Look, you can just keep your face down. Ten minutes then we can go.” Dameron looks so damned hopeful and he decides it can’t be that bad. He’s never been to one of these establishments and he imagines his father would be horrified. Fine. He’ll do it for Dad.

 

“Okay,” Ben accepts. “But only ten minutes!” he calls to Dameron’s rapidly disappearing form as he ducks into this … Pleasure Bar. It better not be literal.

 

The scent hits him hard as he walks inside. It smells like desperation and oblivion and he wrinkles his nose. But Dameron is already front and center, looking up at a Twi’lek undulating her hips. He supposes he should find her appealing but he thinks Rey is much more beautiful. Why the hell is he _here_?

 

He orders four whiskeys from the bar and slams back two in rapid succession. The sooner he’s drunk, the sooner he won’t care. Then he takes a drink to Dameron, avoiding looking up as he sets it in front of his … companion. He slides into the chair nearest the fool and sips his third drink.

 

Dameron looks ridiculous, slack-jawed and glassy-eyed. You’d think he was looking at the answer to everything and he glances up. He supposes her breasts are rather nice. Nothing to Rey’s of course.

 

The thought is uncomfortable. “You look like an idiot,” he tells the pilot.

 

“Yeah, well, Leia ran a tight ship. No fraternization. And it’s not like we’ve had time for shore leave. Oh, gods, look at that ass!” he groans.

 

“I’d really rather not.” He’s already feeling guilty for looking at all.

 

The crowd absolutely roars, then Dameron’s eyes grow huge and … afraid? “Uh, I’m good. Let’s go find a game of sabacc.”

 

Ben notices that Dameron’s drink is still half-full and offers, “You can finish your drink at least. It’s not … it’s not that bad.” He’s already here and has finally managed to keep his eyes away from anything that will get him in trouble.

 

Dameron’s eyes flit from the dancer that just came out to thunderous applause and his eyes seem almost frantic. “No, big guy, we gotta go. Now.”

 

He’s almost pulling Ben to the exit. “Alright, alright!” Ben grouses, following him.

 

They’re almost to the door when Ben looks back, curious about all the ruckus behind them.

 

And that’s when he sees it. _Her_. A brown-haired dancer with _three buns_ , unwinding a long length of fabric from her body and he sees _red_.

 

But Dameron is ready and stands in front of him with his hands up. “You don’t wanna do that Solo.”

 

“The hell I don’t!”

 

The dancer meant to be Rey begins to gyrate obscenely on a poll and his hands fist. He starts to take off his jacket, ready to cover this simulacrum of his love’s barely covered form. He knows it’s not Rey, but he must stop this. No one, no one must look on her, not like this.

 

“Seriously man, we gotta go.”

 

That’s when Ben notices the hulking beasts of men and aliens coming towards them.

 

“Do we have a problem here?” asks a massive human, almost as tall as Ben but twice as thick.

 

Dameron shakes his head quickly. “Nope, no problem, we were just leaving.” He’s grabbing at Ben, again trying to get him out the door.

 

Ben’s teeth grind together. Just last week he could have taken all of them with the flick of his hand, stop this abomination. Then ‘Rey’ bends over and shows the audience her whole world and he finally lets Dameron pull him to the door.

 

\---

 

“Did you see that!?” Ben asks, rounding on Dameron furiously.

 

“Yeah … yeah I saw that.”

 

Then Ben notices a poster plastered to a crumbling wall. It shows the awful pantomime of Rey with the headline, “Who needs the Force when you’ve got tits! Come see The Last Jedi take it all off!”

 

Ben growls and rips the poster from the wall shredding it to pieces, taking out all of his powerless rage. He can’t even stop Rey from being so disrespected. What good is he! He’s useless, useless, useless.

 

His fist slams into the wall and oh the pain feels so, so good. Yes, there it is, that’s what he is. Pain. He’s just pain. Suffering is all he’s known, all he deserves to know. He pulls his fist back, about to slam it into the stone again but Dameron has put himself in front of his target. He only just manages to stop before plowing into the fool’s face.

 

“Stop!” Dameron cries.

 

He drops his arm, panting hard. “Why?” he growls.

 

Dameron looks up and his eyes are oddly pleading. “Because you’re better than this. Rey wouldn’t love you if you weren’t. You have to get it together. Yes, you’ve lost something huge, something I can’t even imagine, but you have _Rey_!” His voice raises as he talks and somehow, somehow, Ben hears him.

 

Rey. Yes, Rey. He looks down on his bleeding knuckles and he sees how upset she’d be. He can almost hear her ask, “What did you do to yourself, Ben?”

 

But then his head falls. “It’s only a matter of time before she realizes I’m not worth it.”

 

“Oh my gods, really?” Dameron scoffs. “Maker, I thought _I_ was an idiot, but you, you really take the air cake.”

 

Ben glares down on the smaller man. “Really?” he asks dangerously. He may not have the Force but he could turn this man into pulp.

 

Dameron rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you do. Fine, be all menacing, but I’m gonna bet on Rey. Be the man she loves!”

 

That stops him dead in his tracks. He blinks quickly. Could Dameron be right? He stands dumbly, his mouth hanging open as he tries to process this.

 

Sighing, his companion once again grabs him. He growls his displeasure and Dameron just chides, “Time to come here to do what we really came for.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

“Get really fucking drunk.”

 

\---

 

As they walk to the next stop in this hell-tour, Dameron grumbles, “You’re dumber than banthashit.”

 

Ben laughs. “Just figuring that out?”

 

Dameron simply shakes his head.

 

\---

 

“Wait,” Ben stops Dameron. “This one.”

 

“What? Nah, they water their drinks.”

 

But Ben points to the holoboard next to the entrance. There are about twenty faces under a blinking headline. _Banned for Life!_ screams in red.

 

Right there in the bottom left corner is his father’s smirking face. _Han Solo aka Han Organa_ , cheerfully scrolls below his achingly familiar grin. He’d hated his father for being such a scoundrel, never understanding why his mother always forgave him. But now … now he’s beginning to.

 

“Oh,” says Dameron. “Yeah, you’re right. We gotta go here.”

 

\---

 

Oh dear Maker, he’s so drunk. He has no idea what the hell Dameron is shoving in front of him, but he keeps on drinking.

 

He’s up a thousand credits and he starts to giggle.

 

“What’s your deal Solo?”

 

“The First Order is broke,” he cackles.

 

“What?” Dameron asks, suddenly looking nervous.

 

“Yup!” He grins over at his companion … friend? “I could just lose it all tonight!” He flips his credit chip along his fingers, a trick his father taught him. Hux, the ginger menace, had never thought to turn it off. He has all the First Order funds at his fingertips.

 

“Let’s not get any ideas,” Dameron whispers fiercely. “We may need those credits.”

 

Ben sits back, a serious expression on his face. “Right … yeah.” The First Order isn’t the enemy now. He has Rey back. Allies. His gaze sluggishly drags around the table, and they all just seem impatient. It looks like only Dameron heard him.

 

He peers at his hand as the numbers swim. He has 19, he really should stay, but … what the hell! “Ten thousand!” he shouts, sliding his chip and gesturing for another card.

 

The dealer raises his eyebrows and shakes his head, giving him another. “For Dad!” he crows before flipping it over. He completely forgets everything his father taught him and grins when he sees a four. Perfect 23.

 

But then he notices a holo flickering behind the bar. A few other patrons do too. It’s Rey … she’s wielding her saber and his breath gets caught in his throat. It must be an old Resistance recruiting holo. She’s so beautiful. Rey, Rey, Rey. He could just look at her face for the rest of his life. “That’s my girl!” he hollers at the image.

 

A burly Chagrian laughs uproariously. “That piece of ass? Ha! You wouldn’t know what to do with her, boy. Me though, I’d bend her over and show her a real-”

 

Ben is out of his chair and his fist connecting with the bastard who dared disrespect his Rey before he can even finish his sentence.

 

“Oh, hell,” Dameron mutters, but he’s right there with him, throwing himself into the fray.

 

Because now it’s not just Ben and the Chagrian. A few humans and a scrappy little Dug is in on the fight. Ben grabs a sweaty man by the shoulders and slams his head down on the bar, bellowing his dominance as his opponent slides to the ground.

 

It’s a flurry of fists and knees and Ben is having the time of his life. He finally feels like himself as he throws the Dug across the room.

 

He eventually makes his way back to the Chagrian and he holds him by his neck and his eyes glitter. “She _is_ mine, you dog,” he growls before breaking his blue nose.

 

By then total chaos has erupted, the whole bar getting in on the action. Ben doesn’t even know where Dameron is, he’s just throwing punches and laughing his ass off. His blood sings and he knows he’s still a man.

 

\---

 

“That’s it! You’re going up on the wall!” the bouncer snarls as he throws Ben and Dameron out.

 

They land in a heap and Ben is laughing again. They manage to sit, leaning against each other.

 

“Maybe not quite the night I’d intended …” Poe starts to say apologetically.

 

Ben shakes his head. “But just what I needed. Thank you … Poe.”

 

Poe huffs out a little laugh. “Any time, big guy.”

 

They watch as their images flicker to life on the wall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you my darling ArtemisBare, who always makes time while juggling twins. Yes, I did imagine her literally juggling twins just there. Plus, she came up with the idea of the banned for life wall! She’s brilliant. 
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who continues to always keep me fed and makes me feel like a princess.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm settling into a pattern, I think I'll likely post 'Unbidden' on Thursday/Fridays and 'Powerless' on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesdays. I hope to have another chapter tomorrow but I never really know these days. You've all been simply phenomenal and I'm so glad you're still reading!


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy finally manages to ask Space Eyre two rather important words.

Ben and Poe stumble along the corridors of the Finalizer, laughing and shushing each other in turns. A few stormtroopers hide smiles and dimly Ben realizes just how effective helmets are at taking your humanity.

 

It turns his mood to his own helmet, how he’d tried so hard to become Darth Vader. Now that he knows what love feels like he’s felt a rift growing between him and his idealized grandfather. He doesn’t understand how he could have let anything happen to his wife, he knows how much Vader had loved her.

 

But he’d taken the mask, hoping to be what Snoke told him he could, become powerful enough to stop the pain. The answer had never been power, though … it was connection, love … attachments. How wrong both the light and dark have been.

 

 Poe asks, “Hey, man, where’d you go?”

 

“The past, the future. Does it matter?” he idly remarks, still a bit lost in his reverie.

 

Poe makes a face. “Okay, yeah, you are really, really drunk.”

 

“No, you are,” Ben says petulantly

 

“What are you, 12?”

 

Ben thinks about it for a moment and shrugs. “Probably.”

 

Poe smiles in understanding. “Yeah, yeah … I get it. When Leia died I felt about 5, not knowing how to do anything without her.”

 

The reminder of his losses hits Ben hard and he pulls in on himself, even as he staggers towards his rooms. Towards Rey.

 

They wind unsteadily on their way and it’s oddly quiet. Finally Poe offers, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought her up. I just forgot.”

 

But Ben feels something inside him turn and he shakes his head. “No, it’s alright. You … you loved her too.”

 

“Yeah, I did. She scared me to death, but there will never be another woman or general like her.”

 

Ben smiles impishly. “Just imagine how terrifying she was when I was a teenager.”

 

Poe’s eyes widen, “Whoa.”

 

“Yeah,” Ben agrees.

 

\---

 

Now they’re singing dirty songs as they turn the last corner, crooning about what Lekku are _really_ for.

 

They reach Ben’s door and he giggles while holding a finger in front of his lips, wobbling ridiculously. “Shhhh, Rey’s asleep.”

 

Poe rolls his eyes. “Yeah right. She waited up for you, I guarantee it.”

 

The idea of someone waiting for him, caring about his well being is such an old idea. No one has cared about what he got up to in years and years. It warms his heart and his lips pull into an affectionate smile.

 

“Maker, you got it bad, big guy.”

 

Ben just nods and puts his hand on the sensor to open his door.

 

\---

 

His quarters are softly lit and Rey jumps up from one of his chairs. She’s wearing another of his shirts and his heart flips in happiness. Seeing her in his space, using his things, it makes it all feel real. In that moment, he doesn’t worry about the future.

 

“Ben!” she exclaims excitedly, approaching him quickly. But then she stops and gasps.

 

“What happened to you?” she asks frantically.

 

He blinks a bit, trying to remember. Right … that bantha’s ass who disrespected Rey. He just manages to keep from grinning. He’s not sure Rey would understand how much he’d needed that.

 

“Your face! Your hands!” Then she wrinkles her nose. “You _reek_ of knock-back.” Frowning she mumbles, “I’m going to kill Poe.”

 

“No! No, it was … good.”

 

Her eyebrow raises skeptically. “You’ve been beat all to hell. I mean just look at that black eye!” Then she starts to wrestle his tunic off of him.

 

He leers down on her, now _this_ he can get behind. “Missed me?”

 

She huffs out an amused breath. “Slow down, loverboy. I’m checking your ribs.”

 

“Oh,” he pouts.

 

She smoothes her hands along him and he shudders. How can it always feel so _good_ when she touches him?

 

“It looks like your face got the worst of it. Come on, let’s get you in the shower.”

 

“Join me?” he asks hopefully, pulling her to him by her hips.

 

She lets out a surprised laugh and peers up at him. “Alright, but only because I’m not sure you can stay standing on your own.”

 

He scoffs. “I’m not _that_ drunk.”

 

“Uh huh,” is all she says but he doesn’t argue because she’s started to remove her clothes and that’s just fine with him.

 

\---

 

The warm water stings his hands but feels good everywhere else. Rey picks up the soap and starts to wash his back, kneading her hands into his muscles.

 

“Oh gods, that feels so good,” he moans.

 

“How are your hands?” she murmurs.

 

He shrugs. “They’ll heal.”

 

“I’d like … may I use the Force on them?”

 

The thought clears the happy fog from his head. She still has the Force and she wants to use it to heal him. The stark reminder of his new status brings all of his self-loathing rushing back and his shoulders fall.

 

“Ben? Is that okay?”

 

“I don’t care,” he rumbles.

 

Hesitantly she says, “I … alright. Let me see them, then.”

 

Slowly he turns to her and she looks up into his pain-filled eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

 

“It’s fine,” he says tightly.

 

“Oh Ben, it’s anything but fine, but I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong.”

 

He snorts in derision. “I’m nothing now, an empty husk.”

 

Her eyes fly wide. “What?” she gasps.

 

“Don’t be naive. You know what I am, what I was. Without the Force what good am I?”

 

Rey stills and looks at him with anguish written all over her face. “You really think that, that all you had to offer was the Force?”

 

“Of course I do! It’s all that ever made me … me.” His hands flail helplessly.

 

“No, no!” she says angrily. “You listen to me, Ben Solo. Everything I love about you has absolutely nothing to do with the Force. There’s far more in you than the ability to float rocks.”

 

“It was so much more than that,” he mourns.

 

“I know, I know … but … your heart, your mind, you still have those and they’re who you really are.”

 

“Then why do I feel so hollow?”

 

She lets out a long sigh. “I know I can’t ever understand. But … it’s a bit like losing a limb, I think. There was an old man on Jakku who lost his arm to the scavenge. He was lucky, he had a woman, she took care of him while he healed. It was hard, but he worked at learning how to do everything with just one arm. That’s what’s happened to you. Would you think you had nothing to offer if you’d lost your hand?”

 

He knows she’s right but he’s not willing to admit it yet. “I’d just get a prosthetic, good as new. Can’t do that with the Force,” he says with a bit of asperity.

 

Frowning, she says, “You know what I mean, Ben.”

 

Sighing he admits, “Yes … yes I do.”

 

“You are the man I love. The man I will always love.”

 

Searching her eyes, he wants to ask if that’s really still true. If she still wants him without the Force or if she’s simply letting her compassion guide her actions. Perhaps she just pities him.

 

But her eyes are open and full of love and his brain feels full of cotton.

 

“Now, may I heal you?”

 

He only nods.

 

\---

 

The shower and their conversation has cleared his head and though he still feels a bit of the effect of the drink he’s mostly just … tired.

 

Rey has been quiet, clearly giving him silence to think, but now he just wants the oblivion of sleep and the comfort of her body tucked next to his. She seems to know this too, and after they’ve dried off, she leads him to bed without a word.

 

She pushes him down then crawls in next to him. He turns on his side and her arms come around him, her breasts pressed against his naked back. He knows he could push it all away by losing himself in her body but … right now he desperately needs her holding him. More than anything he needs her to keep him from flying apart.

 

One of her legs comes up and now she’s wrapped completely around him and he’s safe.

 

Rey is here and he can pretend he’s whole.

 

\---

 

Oh stars, his head is heavy. What did he _do_? Wait … right. _Poe_.

 

Rey is still asleep, wrapped around him and he smiles. He settles against her warmth again and goes over last night. His hands flex and he’s confused until he remembers that Rey had healed him before they went to bed.

 

Sighing deeply he wonders how to find his way to the other side of this. He feels better about his ability to protect Rey, knowing he can hold his own against a room of drunken idiots. But he can’t seem to shake the fear she’ll decide he’s just not worth the bother.

 

“Stop it,” she grumbles.

 

“What? I’m not doing anything.”

 

She goes up on her elbow and looks down on him. “You’re thinking really loudly.” Then she strokes a bit of his hair behind his ear. “What is it?”

 

Closing his eyes tightly he tries to find the words. “I just … I …” He shudders out a breath and turns on his back. He can’t hold her gaze when he admits quietly, “I’m so afraid you’ll leave me.”

 

His eyes dart to hers. “What?” she asks, her brow furrowed in hurt.

 

“I have nothing to offer you now, not without the Force. Before I could teach you, protec-”

 

“Stop. Ben, no … First of all, you don’t need to protect me. I can protect myself. I always have.”

 

“You shouldn’t have to,” he grumbles.

 

“Well it’s too late for that.”

 

“I know … I just want to be the one to do it. Logically I know that without the Force I’m not completely useless, I just … I feel like I am. Keeping you safe … it’s the most important thing in the galaxy go me.”

 

“Then work with Shree to make it a peaceful one. Is there any better way to keep me safe?”

 

He blinks. She’s right. If there was no war, there’d be no threat to her. He has to let that sink in, such a different way of thinking. He’s a man of action, he _does_ , not plan, delegate. But … this truly is a way he can still participate.

 

“As to teaching me … did all of your knowledge of the Force disappear, too?”

 

“No … no, I remember everything.”

 

“Then why exactly can’t you teach me?” Rey is plowing through all of his fears one by one and he’s feeling stupid for not talking to her earlier.

 

“But … without the bond … you don’t … you don’t have to stay.”

 

“Oh, my love. I never _want_ to leave. With what happened to me as a child, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

 

His eyes go wide. “I could never let you go.”

 

“There, see? We agree.”

 

She starts to get up but he pulls her back down and kisses her long and deep through her squeal of surprise.

 

Finally pulling back, he leans his forehead against hers and breathes out, “Thank you.”

 

She looks at him fondly, holding his face. “I’m yours and you’re mine. It’s just the truth.”

 

He nods and lets her get up.

 

\---

 

“TL brought your things by while you were out … carousing,” she says with a wicked smirk.

 

Right, his clothes and … and the ring. He takes the bundle Rey offers him and he wonders … he’d like to do something special, but somehow, he’s filled with urgency.

 

_Now, now, now._

 

She disappears into the fresher and he pulls out the ring, looking at its brilliant blue stone with the Alderaanian crests on either side. His mother would have loved this. She’d made sure he was raised in the Alderaanian tradition and he takes a bit of solace that even though she’s not here, she’ll be part of this singular event in some way.

 

He keeps staring at the ring, wondering if Rey would be angry if he just asked her right now. It might be months before he could take her somewhere beautiful and he desperately needs this confirmation, this formal statement of his intentions, of his love, of his devotion to her.

 

She comes out, brushing her hair and he closes his hand quickly over the ring, looking up on her sheepishly.

 

“Uhm,” is all he manages.

 

She looks at him inquisitively. “Ben?”

 

Deciding that it’s time, that the words will break free even if it’s not, he stands and goes to her, pulling her to sit. He crouches in front of her, holding her hand.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“We’ve spoken of building a life together, maybe even a family one day.”

 

She nods, a perplexed expression on her face.

 

“You know that I love you with all that I am?”

 

“Just as I love you,” she responds. “Ben, what is thi-”

 

“Marry me,” he blurts out.

 

Rey’s eyes blink rapidly. Then she smiles widely. “I kinda thought that was already decided.”

 

“What?” he asks dumbly. This isn’t quite how he thought this would go.

 

“Well, when we said we wanted to be together always it was … implied.”

 

Ben is now the one looking confused. “Oh. Well … so that means yes?”

 

“Of course it does! Of course I’ll marry you. It’s really just a formality anyway.”

 

He frowns slightly. “I suppose, but it’s a formality that’s very important to me. I want the galaxy to know that you’re my wife.”

 

Now her eyes mist a bit. “I’ll be proud to be at your side and call you my husband.”

 

Oh that _does_ something to him and he’s beginning to regret not initiating intimacy earlier when they were naked in bed.

 

“Well, then … would you do me the honor of wearing my mother’s ring?”

 

He opens his hand and holds it out to her. She looks at it for a long time and sighs out, “It’s so beautiful.”

 

“My m-mother wore it until she married my father. There are others, more ornate, but I thought-”

 

“No, no it’s perfect, oh gods, it’s perfect. Having Leia with me like this, it’s … it’s perfect,” she repeats and a tear falls down her face.

 

His hands shake nervously as he slides the ring on her finger and somehow it almost feels like he’s just married her here in his quarters. This physical representation of their commitment to each other quiets some of the insecurity that always whispers to him.

 

But then Rey nearly knocks him over as she throws herself into his arms, kissing him fiercely.

 

“Take me to bed, my almost husband,”

 

She could not have said anything better and he swings her up into his arms, staring into her eyes.

 

“Rey … I love you; thank you, thank you for agreeing to always be mine.”

 

“I think I always have been.”

 

“Yes,” he growls as he captures her lips, pouring everything he can into a single, transcendent kiss.

 

They can’t get naked fast enough.

 

\---

 

“Oh gods,” he groans into the crook of her neck. He’ll never get used to how she seems to reach right into him and wrap her hands around heart. He knows he’s inside her, but somehow, it feels like she’s inside _him_.

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he babbles into her skin. Her hands pull at him and she has her legs wrapped around his waist, urging him deeper, deeper, always deeper.

 

He needs her eyes and pulls back slightly, shifting his face so that it’s inches from hers. Her eyes are wide, her pupils dark and he can see that she loves him, see that she wants him. Somehow, he knows she can see his whole soul and she doesn’t pull away in revulsion.

 

Acceptance, the one thing he’s craved above all else, to be enough just as he is. Here he is, buried deep inside his reason for breathing and she accepts him, all of him. In these moments he can see that losing the Force truly doesn’t matter because it was his price for her.

 

“Rey, oh Rey, my darling, my everything,” he keeps moaning. He can’t stop telling her what she is to him, she has to know, she must know!

 

“Yes, Ben, I need you,” Then she throws back her head and goes rigid beneath him, her orgasm surprising them both as it rapidly pulls her down, down, down and he pulls her back up with his kisses and pleas.

 

_Wife, wife, wife, she’s going to be his wife._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You are so dear and I'm extremely lucky for your help. Every funny thing ever in this fic is your fault.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is bouncing up and down because he wants to take me to lunch. 
> 
> Thank you readers! I so enjoyed your response to yesterday's chapter! I had so much fun writing it and your comments made it even more fun. Mwa mwa mwa! See you next Thursday!


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Space Eyre work towards a better future while Galactic Guest Star understands Ben Solo.

Rey and Ben are the last to make it to breakfast at the Officer’s Mess and there are several knowing glances shared. But Ben doesn’t care because Rey has agreed to marry him. Let them have their fun; it’s not like they’re wrong.

 

Rey, though, she’s blushing and he squeezes her hand and whispers, “Tomorrow, we take our breakfast in our quarters.”

 

A blinding smile breaks across her face. “I like that, our quarters.”

 

He brings her hand up to his lips and kisses her knuckles. “Anything that is mine is yours, surely you must know that.”

 

Her eyes shine as she nods shyly. Gods, he’s so deeply in love with this incredible woman.

 

They approach the table with her Resistance friends but Ben hesitates, wondering if he should steer them towards a table with a smattering of officers and stormtroopers. He needs to get to know his people now that he feels that they’re truly his.

 

But Rey is already pulling at his hand. Deciding he has time, he allows her to lead them to her friends seated at a round table. She plunks down next to Rose, leaving him to sit between Rey and Lando.

 

Of course Lando has a brilliant sapphire cape that he throws over his shoulder, slapping Poe in the face. The commander of the Resistance snorts and rolls his eyes at Finn, sitting next to him. And of course Finn sits on the other side of his girlfriend.

 

“I had so much fun last night!” Rose exclaims to Rey.

 

“Me too! I’ve never done anything like that!”

 

“Holo nights are the best!” Rose responds excitedly and Ben is a tad confused. Rey has suddenly turned into a giggling teenager and he raises an eyebrow.

 

“And how _did_ you spend your evening?” he asks her, suddenly curious.

 

“Rose came over and showed me her favorite holo while we ate the most delicious foods. Something called iced whilk milk was my favorite,” she declares enthusiastically.

 

He begins to see and he feels a pang. That she’d never had a night lost in the narrative of a film while stuffing herself silly is an oddly painful thought. So much deprivation …

 

“What is that on your finger?!” Rose nearly screams. “Oh my gods, Rey, is that what I think it is?”

 

Rey looks confused as her hand is suddenly grabbed by Rose. “You did it!” she shouts proudly towards Ben.

 

Feeling extremely satisfied and embarrassed to be the center of attention at the same time, Ben only nods.

 

“Congratulations!” Rose loudly proclaims, and now the whole room is looking at them.

 

Finn and Poe exchange a look and both shrug and shake their heads.

 

Lando peers over and notes Rey’s ring. Then he lets out a booming laugh. “Solos always did like to get that locked down quickly. I think your dad proposed the night after we destroyed the second Death Star. Much nicer ring though, he only had a little band he wove out of leaves.”

 

As always happens, the mention of his father sobers him, but Rey slips her arm through his and leans against him. She kisses his cheek and lets her lips linger against his skin. Breathing in shakily, he brings himself back to the present.

 

“You proposed!” Poe exclaims.

 

“You said yes?” Finn says at almost the same time.

 

“I did,” Ben says, sitting a little straighter.

 

“Of course I said yes, Finn!” Rey says, sounding offended, glaring at her best friend.

 

“Wait, Rey, I didn't mean it like that. I’m just surprised. It seems … soon. I mean, how much time have you spent together?”

 

Rey sucks in her bottom lip nervously. “Well … I haven’t told you, but we have a bond-”

 

Flinching, Ben can only silently correct her. _Had_...

 

Finn waves his hand. “Ben explained. So all these months you two have been, what, meeting through the Force?” He doesn’t sound disapproving, instead he sounds almost hurt.

 

“Yes,” Ben confirms. “But … it’s gone now, along with my powers in the Force.” The words scrape along his tongue but he’s not going to fall back into self-pity.

 

Suddenly Finn’s eyes get wide. “Is he why you got surlier than a loth cat with its tail in a knot when you went to Ahch-To?”

 

Rey huffs out an annoyed breath. “He might have been part of it.”

 

“She wasn’t talking to me then,” Ben says, remembering how hellish their separation had been and he puts his arm around her, pulling her closer.

 

Poe chortles. “No wonder she was grouchy. Her supply was cut off.”

 

Rose asks innocently, “Supply of wha- oh …. Oh!” Her cheeks flame and she mouths, “Sorry” to Rey.

 

The ribbing is going a bit too far and Ben finds himself scowling at Poe, a low growl escaping him.

 

“Did you just _growl_ at me?” Poe asks with a hint of disbelief.

 

Lando cuts in with, “Well, Chewie did help raise him.”

 

This gets the whole table laughing and they descend into conversation about the wookiee, how he’s back with his family now. Ben looks down at the table, missing Chewie and also relieved he doesn’t have to face him.

 

The serving droid delivers their breakfast and Ben’s stomach roils, reminding him just how much he’d had to drink last night. He glances over at Poe who is looking equally green. Ben toasts him with his cup of caf and his new friend snorts.

 

“Supreme Leader,” comes from behind him, making him jump. He really has to get used to using his natural senses to increase his awareness. This is getting ridiculous.

 

He turns in his chair and finds Shree. “Good morning.”

 

“I couldn’t help overhear that congratulations are in order. I know you will both be very happy,” she offers with a kind smile.

 

He doesn’t know why, but there’s something about Shree that makes him want to spill his guts and he finds himself saying, “I will make it my life’s work to make her happy.”

 

A knowing smile pulls at the stormtrooper rebellion leader’s mouth. “I have no doubt. You two shine in the Force.”

 

That surprises him. “Still?”

 

“Ah, Ben Solo, you may no longer sense it, but you are still of the Force. You are tethered in a way I’ve never seen. It’s almost as if you share a heart. It’s beautiful.”

 

Only Rey has been listening to their exchange, the table having their good natured squabbles. Rose and Finn have become the new targets, for which Ben is quite grateful.

 

“I would like for us to meet this morning, begin to formalize our next action. Analyst Bast has something he wishes to share with us, as well. Who from the Republic should join us?” Shree asks.

 

Ben looks at Rey and she offers, “All of them, don’t you think?”

 

“Poe certainly, but the rest … it’s up to them.” Ben is done dictating to people.

 

A brief conversation is held and only Lando declines. “I don’t want to be officially involved, kid.”

 

Ben grins. “And unofficially?”

 

Lando just shrugs and Ben rolls his eyes.

 

\---

 

As the group leaves to meet in the Supreme Leader’s chambers, Lando holds him back.

 

“What is it?”

 

Lando smiles broadly. “I just wanted to ask if you kids have set a date.”

 

“We haven’t really talked about it, but I’d marry her right now if I could.”

 

“Well, because of my position as consulate of Brednan, I’m able to perform marriages. Only if you want me to, of course.”

 

Ben hadn’t even thought about the particulars and a huge part of him wants to grab Rey and have Lando marry them right this instant but … no. He wants her to at least have a dress and they don’t even have wedding bands.

 

“I’ll talk to Rey,” Ben responds. “And … thank you. For everything.”

 

Lando’s easy, casual air becomes serious and his eyes anguished. “I betrayed your old man once, I can never take that back. But I’d like to think that scoundrel might call the debt paid now.”

 

Ben’s throat grows tight, wondering if his father and mother have been watching him, hoping they’re proud. “I … I think you have. Again, thank you … Uncle Lando.”

 

Lando swiftly pulls him into a tight hug and lets him go just as quickly. “Alright kid, let’s go plot to overthrow the government.”

 

“I don’t think it’s quite like _that_ …”

 

“Allow an old man his small pleasures.”

 

Ben just shakes his head as he trots to catch up with Rey.

 

\---

 

A massive round table was brought in so that everyone could feel equal and all opinions could be heard. Although they presented a united front in regards to their hopes for the future, they had naturally divided themselves along common lines.

 

Poe, Finn, Rose, and Rey's group had formed "The Republic" while Shree selected TL, Ben, and a newcomer named Kes to speak for "The Order".

 

Lando and Analyst Bast are considered consultants and are allowed to participate, but have no vote. In the event of a tie, Rey and Ben must come to an understanding.

 

Shree had said, “If you can come to see each other’s perspective on a point of contention and agree, then I believe it to be the right course of action.”

 

Ben had challenged, “What if it doesn’t work?”

 

Shree had merely winked and said, “Then we change the rules until we get it right.”

 

They’d all taken their seats and Shree had given a brief presentation about her plan to use the holonet and whisper network to sway remaining members of the First Order.

 

Analyst Bast has just been given the floor. “I don’t know if everyone here is aware of this, but Armitage Hux plotted with Captain Phasma to have his father killed. The plot was successful, and General Hux rose swiftly in the ranks, far surpassing his father.”

 

Poe whistles and shakes his head slowly. “I never thought Hugs had it in ‘im.”

 

Ben snorts. “ _Hugs_ was nothing but cruelty and ambition. But, Bast, why does this matter now that he’s dead?”

 

“Well, sir … unfortunately, there is still Hux’s brother to contend with. He’s put himself forward as the next leader of the First Order and the chatter doesn’t look good. The forces are falling in line behind him.”

 

Rey has gone still, her face a bit pale. He’s certain she’s remembering what happened to her while in Hux’s grasp. Ben wants to comfort her, but she’s sitting too far away. They’d both decided they needed to stay away from each other or else they’d do something unseemly. Having to plan a war while all he wants to do is make love to his fiancé is incredibly frustrating.

 

He wills strength towards Rey when the newcomer Kes quietly asks Bast, “What is his name, this brother?”

 

Finally taking in the young woman Shree has invited to their table, he sees her for the first time. She’s slim, with the telltale cropped hair of a stormtrooper. She has dark skin and startling green eyes. But there’s a kindness to her that cannot be denied.

 

Bast turns towards her and actually gulps. “S-Samuel Bren, we assume for Brendol Hux the elder’s first name. While Brendol Hux had a great deal of influence on Armitage Hux’s upbringing and schooling, it appears he all but abandoned Samuel Bren. It was Hux the younger who found him and sent him to the Academy. He’s only 26.”

 

“And they follow him,” Shree says, her eyes shrewd.

 

“It appears so, yes,” Bast responds. Then the analyst hesitates. “There is one more thing.”

 

Ben gestures for him to continue. “Samuel Bren was involved in the murder of Brendol Hux, he was responsible for the method.”

 

TL finally joins the fray. “How did they do it, anyway?”

 

“Poisonous insects. Untraceable. I never would have found it if there hadn’t been rumors. But once I kept digging, I found more and more, little trails, data they thought they’d scrubbed.”

 

Ben’s head snaps to Bast. “Does that mean you have _proof_?”

 

“I do. I have a holo communication between the brothers as they finalized their plan.”

 

Ben smiles a cruel, satisfied smile. “Excellent. Have it sent to my datapad. I need some time to think.”

 

Shree nods. “Yes, I agree. We’ll reconvene tomorrow after we’ve all had time to review the information. Ben, would you stay back a moment?”

 

“I’ll wait for you,” Rey promises and he cups her cheek, looking down on this divine creature who blesses him with her love.

 

“Thank you,” he breathes out. He wants to leave a piece of him with her, keeping her safe. But all he has is to give is a kiss on her forehead and his lips linger.

 

\---

 

“How are you?” Shree asks sincerely.

 

He thinks of Rey and how they’re engaged and he smiles slightly. “Good.”

 

“And you’re handling your recent loss?”

 

“I am. Better now.”

 

“Ah, yes, I heard some chatter about the Supreme Leader and the Republic Commander stumbling through the corridors absolutely out of their minds drunk.”

 

He feels spots of color on his cheeks and he stutters, “W-well, I … uh …”

 

Shree laughs a hearty, warm laugh. “I also hear you looked like you’d been in a bar fight.”

 

“Perhaps,” he murmurs, not sure why he’s feeling like a naughty boy. He should resent it, but instead Shree’s manner reminds him of his mother.

 

“I knew her,” Shree says softly and Ben’s eyes narrow. “Oh, don’t be like that, you remember how thoughts jump out of the head. I didn’t hear what you were thinking, I just felt the impression.

 

Then her words sink in. “You knew … you knew my mother? How?” How in the galaxy did a _stormtrooper_ meet his mother?

 

“I was with the Empire before, a young officer, only a few months at my post at the Battle of Jakku. I was captured. Your mother fought for our freedom. Mine in particular. She tried to convince me to train with her brother … but … a lifetime of hiding what you are is hard to shake off.”

 

“How, how have you hidden all this time?”

 

She shrugs, “It wasn’t that hard, honestly. A mind trick her, a mind trick there. As long as I was never assigned to a ship with you or Snoke I was safe. But I did … I did find out who you were, who you _are_. I watched you for years. Patterns emerged ...“ She places her hand on his shoulder and looks up at him, “You never really had the heart for it, did you?”

 

Ben knows that just a few months ago he’d be enraged, but instead he finds himself admitting, “No. I tried, so hard, but … I think I always knew Snoke only wanted my legacy, not me.”

 

“And perhaps you worry that it is happening again, with my insistence you stay the Supreme Leader?”

 

He blinks quickly. “It hadn’t occurred to me yet, but it would have. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything other than follow. Making my own analysis … I’m a bit out of practice.”

 

“I want to assure you that though the truth is very helpful, I would have wanted this regardless. There’s something in you, Ben Solo. It’s not the Force, it’s not your blood. But there is greatness in there, I can sense it.”

 

Her keen eyes shift to the warmth he’s come to expect from her and she brightly says, “Now, it’s best you don’t keep your girl waiting.”

 

\---

 

Ben pulls up the holo conversation as soon as they cross into his rooms. Rey sits in his lap and they watch how the brothers coldly plan to kill their father.

 

“Now, Sam, you’re sure you want to be involved?” a much younger Hux says to the slender young man.

 

“I have to be, I want to make him pay for what he did to me. I want him to die screaming, writhing in pain. I wish I could make it last a _year_.” His tone is vicious, bloodthirsty, and the young Samuel Bren looks mad, his eyes gleaming with malice.

 

“As it should be,” Hux agrees with a sadistic enthusiasm, his black leather gloved hands clenching in anticipation.

 

Then they’d spent the remainder of the recording working out the particulars. Samuel Bren suggested a Parnassos beetle, a truly gruesome way to die. Ben grimaces, remembering that victim’s bodies liquefy from the inside.

 

Once it’s over, Rey turns and looks up into his face. “We have to release this. It will undermine him completely. He looks _insane_ in that holo.”

 

Ben can’t help it, he barks out a laugh, “And Hux came across as sane in his recruitment speeches?”

 

She frowns. “No, he seemed like a zealot.”

 

“It’s what they’re used to. I suspect it’s why he’s so successful so quickly. He’s familiar,” he says with scorn, remembering his own fanatical loyalty to Snoke.

 

“And now, you’re not. You need to speak to your people, make them feel seen.”

 

“I know,” he lets out with a gust of breath.

 

“But you don’t want to,” she guesses.

 

“No, I do … I just … I need to be so much more now, so much more than I’ve ever tried to be.”

 

“And you already are. Don’t you know that?”

 

He looks at her with frightened eyes. “How could I?”

 

“Would I be here, sitting on your lap if you weren’t ready to be more? Well, no, that’s stupid because of course I would. I can’t let you go. But you’ve made it so easy to love you, Ben.”

 

“I have?” he asks, genuinely startled.

 

Rey laughs and shakes her head. “You have no idea do you?”

 

“About what?” he asks in confusion.

 

“Who you really are. I wish I could show you who I see, but this is all I can do.”

 

He gasps into her mouth as she turns her head and descends on him, capturing his lips with such fervor that he’s left panting and breathing hard from her attentions.

 

Searching her eyes, all he finds is devotion, acceptance, love, and he tries to believe he can be the man she sees.

 

Rey smiles at him fondly and starts to play with his hair. All he can do is he leans into her touch, so wide open from her kiss. “Hmmm, I love when you touch me, anywhere, really, but your fingers in my hair …” He feels himself twitch against her bottom and admits, “Let’s just say it … affects me.”

 

“We just heard about gross bugs that turn your guts to goo and you’re thinking about _that_?”

 

Oh, he knows she’s just as aroused as he is. Her tongue in his mouth had told many tales. She looks so smug, though, and that _cannot_ be born. Her torso is still faced away from him and he shocks her when he snakes his hand down her leggings and finds her so wet. For him.

 

“Mmmhmm, I thought so.” He doesn’t waste a moment, swirling his fingers along her already hardened nub. She tries to twist in his arms to face him, but he holds her firm. She _will_ come on his fingers.

 

His cock is trapped between her flanks as she writhes above him, her breath harsh and needy. Picking up the pace, she starts to mewl and cry.

 

“Yes, yes, my love,” he breathes into her ear as his other hand finds her breast. He misses her eyes with her turned away from him, but holding her immoble awakens something else within him. He wants to _show_ her who she belongs to.

 

There, right there. The center of her pleasure becomes softer, more pliant as she shrieks into their rooms, her body undulating with the release that he is giving her. “Mine,” he whispers into her ear.

 

“Gods, yes, only yours,” she almost weeps as she rides out her ecstasy. Finally, it fades and she’s limp in his arms. He gives her nipple one last flick of his fingers and she shudders.

 

He kisses from her temple to her jaw, then she starts to turn in his arms. She’s so relaxed he has to help her until she’s straddling him.

 

She finds his eyes. “That … oh my gods, Ben, how do you do that to me?”

 

“Because I will always take what is mine,” he growls, surprised by this possessive fire.

 

Her eyes though, show an answering heat, and she nips at his lips before growling back, “Mine.”

 

“Yes,” he moans. “Yes, yours, only ever yours.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have heard of ArtemisBare, who is such an amazing partner in this odyssey. Thank you m'dear.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who I have to leave for five nights. We're both a bit despondent about that. 
> 
> Thank you to my readers. I'm sorry that this is the only update this week, I have to travel tomorrow through Monday. There will be another update next Thursday. *blows kisses and passes out space cupcakes*


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy grapples with his tendency to decide for Space Eyre when it comes to keeping her safe and vengeance. He has a realization about what he wants for the galaxy and why he wants it.

Rey sighs, leaning back after finishing her breakfast. She’s been a bit … off this morning, but he’s very aware that she’s still recovering from her ordeal. It hasn’t been long since Hux’s demise.

 

They’d sent out their broadcast to the First Order several days ago and it’s been a whirlwind of planning and negotiating. They take breakfast in their rooms every day now, trying to keep that time just for them.

 

Standing, he clears the dishes and Rey wanders over to the viewport, looking out at the stars. Quietly, he pads over to her and strokes his hand up her back, but she visibly starts so he snatches his hand away.

 

“Rey?” he asks, feeling a bit rejected.

 

She turns to him and her eyes look far away, haunted. “I’m sorry … I was just remembering when Hux had me held down when he …” She gestures vaguely to her back. “I don’t even know why. I just woke up thinking about it, wondering if any of the stormtroopers who helped are right next to me, now helping Shree.”

 

The thought is _horrific_ , gruesome. Fury fires in his blood at the thought of these men walking free after what they’d done to her. He’d assumed that none of Shree’s people would have been involved in Rey’s torture, but that was naive of him, he realizes.

 

He knows what it is to maintain your cover, to go along with something profoundly wrong because you can’t perceive a choice. For a moment he’s back on the bridge, watching red light of death streak along the cosmos, bracing for the screams he knew were coming.

 

But these beasts, without them Hux could never have used her so viciously if they’d not helped.

 

“I’ll speak with her,” he says with a tight voice, the images in his head of Rey’s tender flesh rent open stoking his rage.

 

“No,” she sighs. “I will. I should be the one to do it.” But her eyes look anxious and he sees just how deep this damage goes.

 

“Please, let me protect you in this way. Let me keep you safe.” He doesn’t need the Force to handle _this_. His hands ball into fists and it’s oh so easy to imagine beating these men bloody.

 

“I’m sure I’m safe, with Hux gone I can’t imagine they’d corner me in the corridor,” she says with pale humor.

 

“No,” he growls. “I won’t … anyone who hurt you or helped to hurt you will not be allowed on this ship. That’s not open for discussion.” While he’d like to handle this with pain and violence, perhaps if he’s more reasonable she’ll allow him to help her in this way.

 

“Oh really, you get to decide that?” she asks, her brows arched and her arms crossed.

 

He’s already so angry that he snaps, “Yes, I do! Imagine if our roles were reversed, that you’d seen my back flayed open! That you’d held me as I fell apart, that I’d blamed myself for not being stronger!” She’s been through too much and while he wants to track down every single person who has ever hurt her, this is a good start.

 

“I know what it feels like to hold you when everything is crumbling,” she says quietly. “I don’t take your feelings as my own.”

 

“Well then you’re a better person than I am!” he flares, realizing it’s actually true.

 

She frowns and looks out on the stars for a long time before turning back to him. “Do you truly need to do this?”

 

“I do, I _have_ to. I can’t stand that there are people on this ship that hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it before.”

 

“There has been quite a bit on your plate.” He can tell she’d meant it fondly, but there’s a distance to her that only makes him feel more powerless, more incapable.

 

“I still should have thought of it,” he rumbles.

 

“I know you want to do everything that you can to care for me, up to and including vengeance.” Her tone is slightly frustrated and it reminds him of the pleasure slavers on Jakku. Another matter to attend to when he has the opportunity. “But you need to understand that you’re doing this for you, and not for me. You killed Plutt because _you_ were angry, not because I was.”

 

“What? No, that’s not true! He hurt you! How could I allow a man like that to live?” Now that he’s been reminded, it’s killing him to know there’s a gang of slavers out there who put their hands all over her, stormtroopers who held her down.

 

“I know. I know you needed to, that’s what I’m saying. _You_ needed it. I didn’t. Even Hux, though I do think I still would have killed him, you beat him because it was something _your_ honor demanded, not mine.”

 

Oh wonderful, apparently he’s just selfish when he tries to look after her. “Fine! Do you want me to simply let them wander the ship, eat next to you in the mess?”

 

Rey flinches rather violently. “No, Ben … I’m only asking you to see why you feel the need to be my vengeance, to see that it’s your own vengeance you seek.”

 

He can’t get there. Something in her words pulls at him, asking him to see more, but he just _can’t_. He’s too angry. What’s the point of still being Supreme Leader if he can’t at least have them removed from the ship?

 

“I … I need to speak with Shree,” he declares shortly.

 

She responds with a sad, resigned tone, “Alright. I’ll see you on the bridge.”

 

He hesitates before kissing her cheek, not really knowing why his rage has so thoroughly taken him over. He can’t even kiss her properly!. Striding from their quarters, he keeps a brisk pace as he searches for Shree.

 

\---

 

Shree is studying something in the Supreme Leader’s chambers, which seem to have become where they gather to plan.

 

“I need to speak with you,” he says as he enters the large room.

 

“I need to speak with you too. Our broadcast doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction; only a few transports have arrived,” Shree responds, her eyes widening as she takes in his enraged expression.

 

“This isn’t about that. Rey … Rey was tortured while Hux had her,” he bites out.

 

Shree’s eyes fill with her familiar compassion. “I know. We tried to get our people assigned to her, but Hux had his own team he used for … interrogation.”

 

“I want them off this ship within the hour,” he orders. “Anyone who touched her or allowed her to be touched, get them gone. I won’t have her wondering if _this_ stormtrooper is the one who held her down.”

 

Her empathy is palpable. “I understand, I do, but all of them are already in custody. They maintained their loyalty to Hux. We can’t let them go, though, they’d only be an asset to Bren.”

 

“Then I want them shoved out the nearest airlock!” They hurt his beloved!

 

Her face grows troubled. “Supreme Leader, do you think that’s wise?”

 

“I don’t care!” he rants. “They hurt Rey!”

 

“Yes, they did. And they will face justice for that when all of this is over. But if you start executing stormtroopers, even those loyal to the old regime, how will we convince the others to join us?” she asks measuredly. Her reasonable tone only makes him angrier.

 

“So I’m just supposed to let them stay? They took turns _beating_ her! The woman who will be my wife, Shree!”

 

“And they’re held on the prison level. They aren’t getting away with it. Please, Ben, think about the consequences of killing them without a trial. The others will never trust us not to do the same to them. They’ll think this is all a trap.”

 

His fists curl and uncurl. He hates this. If he were still Kylo Ren all he’d have to do is order them brought in front of him and a few quick slices of his saber would take care of everything. Though he seriously doubts it would be quick.

 

Shree lets out a long breath. “You want to do this to protect Rey. Does she feel uncomfortable knowing they’re on the ship?”

 

His jaw works before he spits, “No. She just doesn’t want to run into them.”

 

“Then … perhaps it’s already handled?” Shree offers cautiously.

 

Knowing that Shree is probably right is _not_ doing anything to calm the powerless fury tearing at his insides. Why can’t she see how simple this is? Hurt Rey, you die. He’ll make sure the entire galaxy understands that before he’s done.

 

However, he can’t avoid the truth of Shree’s words. It would be a very bad move to start killing stormtroopers, even cruel ones.

 

“Fine,” he snarls, retreating from Shree quickly, completely ignoring her calls for him to wait.

 

\---

 

Sweat pours down his face as he spars with a training droid. Without the Force it’s much harder to anticipate what’s coming for him as he dodges and blocks the droid. He hears the door slide open and his head whips to find who has intruded on his much needed training.

 

Switching off the droid, he’s relieved to see it’s TL and not Shree. She makes him ask questions he doesn’t like.

 

“Shree told me,” his friend says with kind understanding.

 

Chest heaving from exertion he spits, “I hate knowing they hurt her and not being able to _do_ something about it.”

 

“But something _is_ being done about it. We knew those troopers had to be taken into custody immediately. I gave the order myself.” TL walks closer to Ben, his eyes full of entreaty. That’s what having allies … _friends_ means. We handled it. They’re locked up and will face a trial.”

 

“It feels too easy. I want them to _hurt_ ,” he snarls.  

 

“Well …” TL looks away.

 

“Well?” Ben encourages.

 

“Ah, it’s _possible_ that the men who held her while Hux whipped her ... “ TL pauses and rubs the back of his neck before clearing his throat, “They might have fallen down, repeatedly, on their way to their cells.”

 

“Repeatedly?” Ben asks with gleaming eyes, wanting to know just how badly they were hurt.

 

TL holds his eyes firmly. “Repeatedly. Rey inspired a lot of us, right when we needed it. The way she fought back, never took it, never backed down. Even after he had her screaming and begging, she still spit in his face. Your girl is … she’s stunning, honestly.”

 

The open respect in TL’s tone brings Ben back to a place of perspective. Rey is stunning. She’s always protected herself and gets back up to fight another day. Always. Long before he entered her life, Rey has been strength personified.

 

Ben blinks a bit, all of the wisdom he hasn’t liked coming together in his head. Rey doesn’t need him to protect her. Rey doesn’t want him to be her vengeance because Rey doesn’t _want_ revenge. But how can he handle this burning need inside him? The anguish of having no way to fix it?

 

“I just need to _do_ something. She’s been through so much. Her life before, you have no idea what she’s suffered and she’s still so _good_ , TL.”

 

TL looks at him speculatively. “What do you _want_ to do?”

 

“Go back in time, save her!”

 

“But you can’t. And I’m not entirely certain Rey would want you to.”

 

“I know,” Ben says miserably. As his rage bleeds away he’s just left with an abyss of helplessness. He may have done many idiotic things in his life, but he’s always done _something_.

 

“Why not save all the other Reys out there right now? The abused slaves, the hopeless poor …make sure no other child goes through what she did, that no other man has to know his woman was hurt and that there’s nothing he can do about it.”

 

“I …” Bens mind is rioting with new information. The rightness of TL’s suggestion overwhelming. He can’t save Rey. She doesn’t need or want him to. But he _can_ protect all the little girls and boys of the galaxy. He _can_ destroy the Plutts, smash the pleasure slavers. He just needs his allies and friends.

 

“I need to speak with the council.”

 

TL smiles.

 

\---

 

“This, this is how we’ll win over the rest of the First Order,” Ben says emphatically.

 

“Keep talking,” Shree breathes out and the excitement in her eyes feeds Ben’s own. At first no one could find Rey, but she’s just joined them, giving him no chance to talk with her about his fit of temper. After he’s finished sharing his idea he’ll try to explain himself.  

 

Now, however he must focus on the next step for the Order. “Before we only offered them escape, now we offer them _purpose_. They were taken, enslaved, brain washed. What better way to take back yourself than to make sure it never happens to anyone else?”

 

“You’re right,” Finn agrees, quiet pain in his voice. “Once I was able to take a few days to really think about it, fighting for the freedom of the galaxy was the only way out of what they did to me.”

 

Finn’s frankness about his journey twinges something in Ben. _What they did to me_. Could … could this help him as well? He too had been manipulated … his mind and soul turned inside out. Could this be how he finds his way back to himself, gives him the strength to stand solidly beside Rey instead of needing her so much?

 

“We have to give the rest of the stormtroopers a way to atone,” Ben says softly. “The guilt keeps you trapped. You can’t break away because then you have to face what you’ve done. What they made you do. What you let them make you do. You tell yourself you have no choice, but Finn made it clear that we all did. We must give them a way out, a way to themselves. A chance at … at redemption.”

 

He feels the eyes of the entire table on him and he can’t look up, knowing how much he revealed, how vulnerable he’s made himself. Eventually, he does find Rey’s eyes and they’re filled with tears, a proud smile on her face. He will do this. For all the Reys and … and all the Bens. They will do this, together.

 

“We need to begin recording immediately,” Shree states firmly.

 

\---

 

Ben pulls to the edge of the cavernous room, needing a moment away from the buzz of hopeful activity as they prepare to record Finn. He keeps his arms around himself, knowing he should find Rey, but feeling like he doesn’t deserve her comfort. He had a choice, far more than the stormtroopers ever did, but he wants a way back so badly it turns over and over in his belly.

 

“Hey,” she says softly as she comes up to him. He lifts his head and takes in Rey’s beautiful face and he doesn’t hurt so much.

 

She steps into his space, clearly waiting for him to open his arms. He hesitates, but his need for her wins; it always wins. She leans against his chest and he wraps her close, letting out a long sigh.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” her lovely, soft voice says into his tunic.

 

He wants to deny his right to her pride, but … he knows this is the key. He knows this will bring much of the remaining First Order to their cause. It’s impossible to find a way out until someone shows you the way, as Rey did for him. She is his purpose; he just had to find a purpose for those trapped in the horror of the First Order.

 

“I’m sorry for getting so angry this morning; you were right. I can’t ... I can’t save you from all that’s been done to you.”

 

“You already did, Ben.”

 

Pulling back he looks into her eyes. They’re brimming with affection but he doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say. “How, _how_ did I save you?” She’s given him so much and he desperately wants to have given her a fraction of that.

 

“By loving me. My whole life, I thought I was nothing. I made up stories to keep myself from falling into the despair; I even imagined entirely different parents for myself. But deep down, I knew, I knew it was my fault they sold me, that I was so broken, so bad that of course they sold me. But … I don’t believe that anymore. Because of you. Because of how much you love me.”

 

“Gods, Rey, I do, I do.” He wants so much for this to be true, for her to truly be healing.

 

“I know. You did save me, now and _then_. That little girl will always be in me, and for the first time in my life … she’s safe, secure, _happy_. You did that.”

 

Her words, Maker her _words_ , they go straight to his very soul and he crushes her to him, having no way to explain what this means to him. It’s what he’s hoped for most, that she’d _know_ she’s special, that it wasn’t her fault what her parents did to her.

 

Holding her close, he just lets himself feel her heartbeat against him. “I still want to rip apart anyone who has hurt you.”

 

She laughs a bit. “I know you do. But you won’t now, will you?”

 

“No,” he grumbles. “But no promises when I come across slavers hurting other children.”

 

“I think you’ll find I’ll help you,” she says with an edge that surprises him.

 

“It’s going to take a long time. This is so much bigger than anything my mother ever even conceived of. A galaxy without slaves or poverty ...”

 

“Good thing we have our whole lives together to do it.”

 

Holding her face, he kisses her gently, then again with more passion.

 

“Thank the Maker for that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare. I still can't quite believe you read for me almost every day, it's just such a gift and I'm so grateful.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! It's so wonderful to be back home after traveling and you make every day magical.
> 
> Thank you readers! I'm sorry that there wasn't an update yesterday. I got a bit sick while traveling and it messed up my whole schedule. We're coming closer and closer to the end and I'm so grateful to all of you for sticking with me! I truly appreciate your time. See you next Thursday!


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and Co. hammer out more specifics about what sort of government they want to build then Space Eyre gets a bit naughty.

It’s done. Ben and Finn have told their stories to the galaxy and they’re broadcasting them on all frequencies. The Order is going to mend the systems, smash the corruption. Former men and women stolen then pressed into bondage will lead the charge and Ben feels a feeling he thought long dead.

 

Accomplishment.

 

They’ve started down a road he can truly be proud of. Everyone is assembled around the large table in his chambers and Rey sits to his right. There’s a quiet serenity to her and somehow, he knows this is going to work.

 

Shree gets everyone’s attention and says, “We have a significant problem.” Her face is lined with worry and the tension in the room skyrockets. “While I do believe our latest holo will have profound effects, I’m afraid it may end before it’s even begun.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Rose asks in that straightforward, guileless way she has. TL’s bearing is tense and even Lando, who generally lounges with his feet on the table, manages to sit up straight.

 

“We’re nearly out of funds,” Shree says bluntly and Ben pinches the bridge of his nose. Of course … in all of the chaos he’d simply forgotten the dwindling resources.

 

“However,” Shree continues, “This _does_ mean that while we’re facing a crisis, Bren and his allies are most certainly in worse shape. Analyst Bast was able to cut off their access o the First Order accounts in the chaos. They have only the supplies and weapons already on their ships. With rationing they have about a month before things become truly dire.” The aforementioned analyst keeps pecking away at his datapad, seeming unfazed.

 

“And us?” Rey asks. Ben wishes he could still feel her through the Force. He suspects this stokes her fears of scarcity and he wishes he could tell her that he will never allow her to go hungry again.

 

“We’re in better shape than that, at least. With the influx of credits from the sale of the minerals from Jentesh VI, we have roughly four months.”

 

Rey looks at Ben keenly. “Is that why you ordered the attack on the Jenteshi?”

 

“Yes,” he admits.

 

Her brow knits then she nods. “I see …”

 

Poe clears his throat and everyone looks at him. He, too, seems unconcerned while Finn simply watches. Once all eyes are on Poe, he says in a strong, clear voice, “What remains of the Republic might be able to help you with that. I’ve, ah, been in negotiation with our allies.”

 

Shree looks at him with shrewd eyes. “And how did you know to begin these discussions?” Her tone isn’t precisely accusatory, more curious.

 

“Well, ah, the big guy let it slip while we were … out.” Poe gives Ben a weak smile.

 

He had? He doesn’t remember that … but much of that night is lost to the drink so he’s not surprised. That he didn’t bring this to Shree’s attention immediately was unforgivable while trying to build trust. He’s so very out of practice at this.

 

Shree is looking straight at him with disappointment in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell _me_ , Ben?”

 

Ben feels his cheeks heat and he takes in a deep breath. “There’s no way this won’t sound asinine. But … I forgot. So much happened, I was focused on Rey … After Jentesh VI I thought the problem was more or less handled for at least a little while and I put it from my mind.”

 

Shree looks at him like his mother used to when he hadn’t done his chores and he finds himself shrinking in his chair. But she only says, “Well, no sense moaning over something we can’t change. Dameron?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What do you and your allies propose?”

 

“Well, here’s the thing … Because the entire government was destroyed by Starkiller, the New Republic accounts reverted to the last member of government, who happened to be Leia Organa. Of course, many of the banks were simply obliterated, but we had vast holdings with the Lyrelli and they’ve agreed to release the funds to …. Ben Solo if the magistrate of Chandrila signs off on the transfer. Chandrila is where most of the refugees from the Hosnian system found a haven.”

 

“And is this magistrate willing to do so?” asks Shree.

 

“With this new direction, I am absolutely certain of it,” assures Poe. “Though there is one stipulation. They want it written into our bylaws that 25% of all future revenue be used for rebuilding.”

 

Shree nods. “What do we think? Should we open the floor on this proposal?”

 

“I’d like to add something else as well,” Rey interjects. “I think we should discuss a new name for our fledgling government. The Order is just too close to the First Order. We need … we need to make it clear that we’re doing something new here.”

 

\---

 

It’s been a long afternoon, delving deeply into what the implications would be for agreeing to setting aside such a large portion of their resources for rebuilding, but ultimately it was decided that they would need even more than that to accomplish what they hope to, so they’d taken a vote and had all agreed. He’d been pleased that they seem to unite on the major issues.

 

The name had been another issue entirely. Shree had been oddly attached to the Order, likening it to an institution from her childhood. Many names had been bandied about, but they had ultimately settled on the Coalition, dispensing with referring to their respective factions separately. They truly are becoming a cohesive group.

 

A few times he had let his mind wander, looking at Rey, enjoying his ring on her hand. He doesn’t want to wait much longer to make her his wife. He already thinks of her as his forever and he _needs_ to be able to claim her publicly.

 

Now, they’re breaking for the day and he suddenly has an idea and he corners Lando.

 

“Lando?” Ben asks.

 

“What can I do for ya, kid? Ready to set a date?” the old scoundrel asks with a grin.

 

Ben looks at his hands for a moment. “Well, not quite but … I was wondering if I could ask you to do something for me.”

 

Lando’s eyes grow questioning. “What _kind_ of something?”

 

“For the wedding, something for the wedding.”

 

He crosses his arms and leans back on his heels. “Alright, let’s hear it.”

 

“Rey … she’ll need a dress … I can’t exactly take her shopping right now and I don’t want to wait. But, I thought … all of my grandmother’s dresses are already stored in easy to transport containers … If I can’t take Rey to the shops …”

 

“You’ll bring them to her.” Lando grins widely and grips his shoulder. “It’s official, you have it worse than even your father did.”

 

Ben rubs the back of his neck and breathes out, “Yeah … I think I do. I don’t think a man has ever loved a woman more than I love Rey.”

 

Lando cocks his head then nods slightly. “You know, I might just believe that.”

 

“So, would you? Would you go to Naboo and bring them back here? I’m sure we can spare an escort to look out for-”

 

“Nah, I’d rather go on my own. I know how to stay off the scopes. Yeah, Ben, I’ll do it.”

 

Now Ben is the one grinning. “Thank you, I … I … just, thank you.”

 

“Your girl deserves to look like a queen and she sure will in one of those gowns. Your mother showed them to me once. Han had a good chuckle about making sure to keep me away from her capes.” He swirls today’s scarlet example for effect.

 

Ben barks out a laugh. It’s very easy to imagine his uncle trying to wheedle his mother into giving up a piece of her mother’s wardrobe. “When can you go?”

 

“Tomorrow morning. You seem to be in awful hurry. Hey … the implant didn’t fail, now did it?” His expression is almost gleeful.

 

Ben’s eyes bulge out of his sockets and he shakes his head quickly. Though part of him wouldn’t precisely mind. “No, it’s nothing like that. We’ve been apart for too long and I just … I need to be able to call her my wife. I can’t really explain it.”

 

“Well then, I’ll be quick about it.”

 

“Please don’t tell Rey, I want to surprise her.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Then Lando gives him one of his hardy slaps on the back and chortles to himself as he walks down the corridor.

 

“What was that about,” Rey asks as she comes up next to him, slipping her arm through his.

 

“Well … it’s a surprise, actually. For you.”

 

“Really?” she asks, fiddling with her necklace. “But … you just gave me a ring.”

 

She seems genuinely perplexed and he pulls her into his arms. “Oh, Rey, there will be so many surprises. I want to wrap you in fine silks, drape you in comfort, give you everything you always should have had.”

 

Twining her arms around his waist she looks up into his eyes and sighs out, “All I need is you.”

 

“Good thing you have me.”

 

She smiles that smile that makes his insides flip and she coyly says, “I know.”

 

\---

 

Ben is fairly certain Rey has been teasing him the whole way back to their quarters. Her hips have had an extra sway and she’s found a very tight pair of leggings somewhere, showing her perfectly rounded bottom.

 

It’s been difficult to balance their duties with their hunger for each other. The selfish part of him is still incredibly bitter that he couldn’t keep her in bed for a month and he tends to pounce on her at every opportunity. Or she does him. Some evenings it’s not really clear.

 

His confidence has been growing with his new state, and he no longer needs her to give him that sense of wholeness he’d only been able to find inside her beautiful body. While he’ll always treasure the way it feels like their souls are merging, it’s been … rather fun not to be so needful of her emotional support.

 

They’ve tried nearly everything they can think of, entranced by how one position gives one kind of stimulation and another more depth. Learning her body inside and out has been the most joyous of educations.

 

That’s it, she is absolutely teasing him. They’re in the lift and she’s standing in front of him when he feels her start to wiggle her delectable backside against his rapidly hardening length. Deciding to play her game, he grabs her hips and pulls her back against him, thrusting himself against the firm, yet yielding flesh.

 

He’d thought he wouldn’t like taking her from behind, that it would be too impersonal. But there’s something about having her on her knees in front of him, opened so beautifully, waiting, welcoming him, that as long as she turns her head so that he may have her eyes, he godsdamned loves bending her over and burying himself in her as deep as he can.

 

The walk from the lift to their door is awkward at best and he hopes no patrols come by because he has quite the tent in his trousers. Grabbing her hand, he increases their pace.

 

They slam into their quarters, kissing frantically. She moans into his mouth and he snakes his hand down into her leggings, finding her hot and wet. Thank the Maker she’s ready for him because he doesn’t think he can wait any longer. He flips her around and rips down her leggings and underthings in one swift movement. She braces herself against the door and presents her glistening pink sex to him.

 

Growling low in his throat, he pulls himself free and takes her in one firm thrust, all the way to the hilt as she howls her pleasure. Yes, this is where he’s needed to be all day, held close by her glorious tightness.

 

“So good, so _good_ ,” he croons.

 

He pulls her torso back flush against him as he hammers into her, hard, fast, relentless. His hand finds her breast under her shirt and he twirls her nipple between his finger and thumb as he mouths her ear.

 

“Teasing me like that, naughty girl,” he rumbles.

 

Rey pants out, “I wasn’t teasing you; you’re inside me right now. I was promising.” She turns her head to look at him giving him the sauciest little smile.

 

His chuckle turns into a groan as she tightens her muscles around him. “Gods, Rey,” he moans out. She’d learned that little trick a few days ago and it drives him absolutely mad. “Now, now, you don’t want me to finish too quickly,” he warns.

 

“Oh, I don’t know, I rather like how you handle it when you do.” He always loses himself between her thighs, tonguing her clit when she doesn’t crest with him.

 

That’s not going to be an issue tonight. She’s already beginning to flutter around him so he takes his other hand and strokes her perfect bud firmly. Rey is clearly as needy as he is.

 

“Ben!” she calls out.

 

“Yes, that’s it, I need to feel you come apart around me. I need it like water, air, _you_.”

 

He’s catching up so he rubs her just a little faster and she starts to keen and whimper, high breathy sounds that tell him he’s touching her just the way she likes it. He craves her orgasms like a starving man craves food. They fill him up and take him to some higher plane.

 

There, _there_ it is. She’s panting harshly and her walls bear down on him, making her almost too tight. But he maintains his pace and soon she’s gods be damned screaming as she comes hard around his cock.

 

Her cries of pleasure and pulsing heat push him over and he bellows out, “Rey!” with one last brutal thrust, diving into her as deeply as it’s possible to be. His release feels like it’s pulled his brain along with it and he can barely think, leaving him a creature of instinct and pure adoration.

 

In that transcendent moment, there is only Rey. All there can ever be is _Rey_.

 

\---

 

Exhausted and nearly boneless, he carries her to their bed and helps her remove the rest of her clothing, shucking his own as well. He stretches out beside her and immediately gathers her in his arms, pressing feather-light kisses along her throat. Holding her like this, on their sides with her back to his front, it affirms that they were made for each other. They just … fit.

 

Once their breathing has slowed, she murmurs, “I don’t know how you manage it, but every time just feels better than the last.”

 

“I know, I’m not sure I can take it if it gets any better.”

 

She snorts inelegantly. “Something tells me you’ll manage.”

 

“Ah, but can you?” he asks smugly.

 

Looking over her shoulder she holds his eyes as she teases, “I can take anything you can give me.”

 

“Oh, I know you can,” he growls before capturing her lips and spiraling into the bliss that is her mouth.

 

\---

 

Eventually they’d managed to order dinner from the kitchens and they’ve just finished their meal, dressed in identical dark robes. Because hers is actually one of his, it swims on her, making her seem even smaller. It tugs at an instinctual place in him, the part of him that panics if she’s not near, terrified something has happened to her. He’s not sure he’ll ever grow used to the silence where the Force used to whisper.

 

She seems pensive again, something he’s beginning to dislike quite a bit. He wishes she’d talk to him instead of disappearing into her head.

 

“Ben,” she suddenly says.

 

“Yes, my love?”

 

“I wanted … I wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“Hmmm?” he nudges, taking her hand in his and kissing her wrist tenderly.

 

“I … I want to suggest Jakku as the first planet the Coalition invites to join.”

 

“Jakku?” he confirms with incredulity.

 

“It’s an excellent test case,” she points out, seeming mildly affronted.

 

“But I thought you hated Jakku …”

 

She sighs and says, “I hated Plutt … the slavers, the thieves … but I don’t hate the people like me who just struggled, every day. There was no way out, just more work, fewer portions, less love … I want … I want to change things for them, if we can.”

 

“What do you propose?”

 

Rey grins and begins to explain her plan.

 

\---

 

The next afternoon Rey is preparing to present her idea to the Council, when Analyst Bast bursts into the chambers.

 

“Supreme Leader! You have to come, you have to come see!”

 

Ben stands and responds, “What is it Bast?”

 

“It’s better if you come to the bridge, sir,” he exclaims breathlessly.

 

Exchanging looks, everyone gets up from the table and follows the excitable young man.

 

\---

 

Shree gasps at the sight that greets them.

 

Ben can only stare slack jawed. They only sent the transmission early yesterday!

 

Rose squeals and throws her arms around Finn, who also just keeps staring.

 

Through the viewscreen they see the space around the _Finalizer_ filling with dozens and dozens of all manner of ships, from small transports to one of the last dreadnaughts.

 

He tenses as he realizes they could be here to attack instead of join and he catches TL’s eyes. Poe also looks deeply suspicious. Rey just stays close to him.

 

If he demands the shields raised, it will be seen as a hostile act but if they’re here to attack, they could destroy the ship before they had enough time to act. They’re massively outnumbered.

 

Before Ben can make a decision the air is filled with hails as the ships request to join the cause one by one.

 

The tension turns to pure joy in his chest and cheers sweep the bridge. Letting out a long breath he looks over at Shree. Her face is open and tears streak her cheeks.

 

More and more arrive until Ben is sure over half of the remaining First Order ships are dotting their current system.

 

“You did it,” Rey breathes out in awe as she leans into him.

 

Ben wraps his arm around her shoulders and shakes his head. “No, _we_ did it.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! You always have such marvelous insight, my dear friend.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing! I'm taking the day off from writing on Friday so that we can spend the day together and he acted like a kid in a candy story when I told him. 
> 
> Thank you readers! This will be the only Unbidden update this week because of my aforementioned plan to spend time with Mr. Downing. I know this story isn't getting as much attention as Powerless, but we're so close to the end that I have a lot of plot points to wrap up and I'm being extra careful. Thank you all for still being here nearly a year later!


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Darcy and the Space Scoobies welcome new delegates to the Coalition. Space Tonks shocks everyone, and we find out just how depraved the remnants of the First Order have become.
> 
> *Please note there is a brief mention of rape in this chapter*

“General Ullyn, Captain Raan, we’re thrilled to welcome you to the _Finalizer_ and to the Coalition,” Shree offers in greeting to the first delegates. Ullyn is an older man, having served in the Empire previously and looking every inch the part. Raan is a diminutive woman with dark skin and short, tightly curled red hair. The combination is at odds with her staid, withdrawn air.

 

There had been such an influx of ships that it was decided that each group would elect a representative, as they’d often arrived as small clusters of ships and transports. They’re expecting another 16 delegates.

 

All told, 12 Star Destroyers, two dreadnaughts, and numerous support ships have joined the cause. Analyst Bast has calculated that this leaves the First Order with only four Star Destroyers and one dreadnaught. They’re vastly outnumbered and could be taken in battle, but Shree and TL still hold out hope for a peaceful solution.

 

Ben, however, he’s convinced that this will have to end with bloodshed and the utter destruction of what remains of the First Order. Shree’s dreams of a bloodless change in leadership is likely to end up nothing but ash and bodies.

 

He hopes to determine the current state of Samuel Bren. Is there any chance he might decide to follow his brethren, put aside his anger? Again, Ben finds it highly unlikely, but he’ll wait to hear from the other delegates. If they’re very lucky, someone close to Bren will have joined the exodus.

 

More former First Order personnel arrive, at least half of them are stormtroopers and the introductions are a bit confusing as they all have designations as well as new names. One in particular, TZ-8253 stands out.

 

Tazzy, as she prefers, is brash, confident, rude and utterly charming. In the short time since they’d left the First Order, she’s managed to dye her hair a shocking bright pink and even the reserved Captain Raan has smiled at her antics.

 

The meeting has only just begun when Tazzy breaks in with, “We need to know one thing before we get started _officially_.” She winks at Captain Raan who actually ducks her head.

 

Ben would have once found this woman infuriating, but not now. Now he finds her tremendous presence to simply be a relief. If this kind of personality could survive the stormtrooper program, then there’s so much more possible than he’d ever dreamed.

 

“And what is that?” Ben asks, genuinely curious.

 

Now her face grows dead serious, belying her outrageous hair, and she holds his eyes intently. “Are we going to have to kill civilians _if_ we stay?”

 

The question pulls him back into the massacre on Jakku and he breathes in sharply. He’d only killed Tekka, but he’d given the order and he’s certainly killed innocents in the past. His throat closes and his head fills with the screams; his heart beating rapidly through the icy fear.

 

It’s not fear of danger, it’s fear of the nothingness that used to fill him. The way he would draw himself deeply into the dark side, blanket his humanity, then flog himself with how the light still called to him. Now he knows it was never the light, not really. It was just basic decency asserting itself. His conscience. That vestigial part of him that was always his parents’ child.

 

Rey’s hand grasps his thigh under the table and she strokes back and forth, her warmth somehow freeing him from the cage of memory and the room comes back in focus.

 

Tazzy is still looking at him with a defiant sort of expectation. Finding his voice, he proclaims, “You will never again be asked to kill the innocent as a direct course of action. In war, things happen, I cannot promise you that civilians won’t die. I sincerely wish that I could.”

 

Tazzy and several of the other stormtroopers, including their own Kes, sit back in their seats, looking troubled and conflicted. Poe frowns, but nods his acceptance; he knows the way of war. Finn and Rose share glances and Ben sees them shift to hold hands under the table. The officers remain stone faced while Shree and TL simply look resigned.

 

He’s losing the newcomers already, he can feel it. “What I _can_ tell you is that this new alliance, this Coalition, will save far more lives than the First Order ever took.”

 

Analyst Bast breaks in with, “My apologies, sir, but with the Hosnian System, that would mean _2.279 trillion lives_.”

 

Ben _would_ talk to Bast about when one doesn’t need to offer data, but he knows it would be useless. “Yes, thank you Analyst Bast. It will take time, but there is an entire galaxy suffering right now. I don’t mean we will save them from death. I mean we will save them from misery. From slavery and destitution. We will harness the might of what was once the First Order and we will right the wrongs we _all_ helped create.”

 

Looking around the table he sees a great deal of remorse and quite a bit of denial. But they don’t disagree with him.

 

Tazzy eyes narrow, looking deeply into Ben’s gaze. Then she grins brightly and exclaims, “Sounds good to me. Let’s go save the galaxy, Tops.”

 

Ben blinks and hesitantly asks, “Tops?”

 

“Oh, yeah, my crew started calling you Top Dog, Tops for short. Supreme Leader is stupid.”

 

The officers around the table gasp, but every single stormtrooper and Resistance member burst out laughing. To his surprise, it’s Rey who is laughing so hard she starts to hiccup.

 

“Rey?” he asks in a voice meant just for her.  

 

Between howls of laughter, she chokes out, “I’ve never known how to tell you!”

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“Supreme Leader _is_ stupid!” Then the whole table is at least chuckling and Ben finds himself wanting to laugh with them.

 

“You know what, that’s what I thought when Snoke first took it,” he admits as he joins in with his own guffaw.

 

Eventually everyone settles down and Shree again takes control of the room. “Well, while I had already thought it would make sense to start with chain of command, it sounds like we’ll be starting with you, Ben. It would appear you need a new title.” Shree’s eyes dance with mirth.

 

“Anything but Tops,” he groans and the room again descends into laughter.

 

\---

 

“Then we’re all agreed, Jakku will be our first planet to rehabilitate?” Ben confirms.

 

Around the table, heads nod and Rey is absolutely beaming.

 

Kes clears her throat and says, “I know we’re wrapping up, but I wondered, Prime Magistrate Solo, may I put forth one last item?”

 

Ben is exhausted. They’ve been hashing things out for hours, from how the fleet will be organized down to increased leisure time. Poe has worked magic with the remaining Resistance allies and new supplies are due to arrive as soon as next week. The last issue on the agenda had been Rey’s plan for Jakku and he’s eager to congratulate her … properly.

 

However, the quiet Kes rarely speaks, only participating in votes for the most part, so he’s curious to know what would bring her to interject now.

 

“Please, what is it, Kes?” he asks.

 

“Our families, sir. I would like to begin a program to locate our families.”

 

The jubilant feeling of the room sweeps away, leaving melancholy on the stormtroopers’ faces and guilt on the officers’.  

 

Ben swallows once, facing again the brutality of the stormtrooper program. “That … that’s an admirable idea.”

 

But TL surprises him when he says, “Kes, I know how important this is to you … you were older when you were taken. But we have to focus on the remains of the First Order and righting our wrongs, at least for now.”

 

“Couldn’t we start small?” Rey breaks in.

 

“It would be fairly easy to run a cross-reference on the known data,” the ever-helpful Analyst Bast offers. “We could certainly provide everyone with their home planets.”

 

“But what if they leave?” one of the more pugnacious officer’s almost whines.

 

Back and forth the discussion goes until finally Ben speaks. “They deserve to know whatever we have in our archives. If some choose to leave, we must respect that. However, I believe most will want to stay, at least until the First Order is well and truly handled. Let’s take it to a vote.”

 

\---

 

It passes, narrowly. However, an official program for further research is put on hold, for now. Ben flinches when he sees Kes wipe her eyes. Then the stormtrooper sits up straight and appears herself again. Ben decides he needs to learn more about Kes.

 

\---

 

“Well, my love, everyone was quite enthusiastic about your plan for Jakku,” he says into her hair before nuzzling her neck. They’ve just returned to their quarters and they don’t have a great deal of time before they must dine with all of the new delegates.

 

She turns to look at him, thwarting his access to her throat. He grumbles but she just laughs at him. “Do you really think it will work?”

 

“Of course it will. You know Jakku best and your plan about disrupting the markets is perfect. We’ll have to tailor it for each system of course, but it’s an excellent test case.”

 

“I wonder who’s taken Plutt’s place?” Rey muses.

 

“We’ll find out soon. Now, we have less than two hours until we must return and watching you command the room like you did … well, I think you deserve a reward,” he purrs.

 

“It sounds like you’ll be the one getting the reward,” she teases.

 

“That’s the beauty of my plan,” he rumbles as he throws a shrieking Rey over his shoulder.

 

Her wild giggles turn quickly to moans.

 

\---

 

“Hmmm, I love your skin,” Ben murmurs as he strokes along her naked back. She’s languid and sated, laying on her belly with him on his side next to her. He shifts slightly so he can begin to drop kisses along her shoulder while he continues to draw his fingers along her warm flesh.

 

“That feels good,” she mumbles into the pillow.

 

“I still can’t quite believe I get to touch you.”

 

“Well you’d better. No one else is going to touch me like this but you. It would be a shame if you got tired of it.”

 

“Oh, I don’t think that’s likely to happen.”

 

Watching her lay out her ideas for how to help Jakku had revealed another part of her, this warrior he does not deserve. She’d clearly been thinking about what could be done for her home planet for a very long time. He’s so proud of her.

 

And that he gets to make love to her, _with_ her … that she’s agreed to be his wife … he never imagined he would ever be so lucky.

 

She turns over and smiles at him, running a hand through her hair, trying to flatten the absolute mess he’d made of it earlier. But he rather likes the way she looks right now. Flushed, glowing, and clearly well … seen to.

 

Lando will arrive with the dresses tomorrow and while he’s eager to marry her as quickly as possible, he hasn’t actually talked to her about it.

 

“Rey?” His voice is cautious.

 

“What is it?” she asks, suddenly worried.

 

“Nothing bad. I just … I … I would like for us to get married … soon.”

 

She stretches, giving him an absolutely marvelous view of her breasts, and responds, “Whatever you want, Ben.”

 

“So … you wouldn’t mind if it was … say … next week?”

 

He half expects her to be shocked but he should have known better. She just shrugs and says, “Whatever you want. All that will change is that I get to call you husband.”

 

That goes straight to his cock and he grins. “Oh, I _like_ that.”

 

Rey eyes his growing length and says with a raised brow, “Obviously.”

 

Then the little minx hops out of bed, calling over her shoulder, “Pity we don’t have time for round two. _Husband_ ,” as she disappears into the ‘fresher.

 

He rolls onto his back and pouts.

 

\---

 

Ben is in an awful mood. The last thing he wants to do is host dinner for the fledgling leading body of the Coalition. He’s grown somewhat comfortable with their little group and now it’s trebled in size, bursting with people he doesn’t know.

 

He recognizes some of the officers, but the stormtroopers are blanks to him. They’ve taken to wearing their undersuits with white jackets. It makes it clear they’re from the stormtrooper ranks without the anonymity and discomfort of the armor.

 

However, there are still too many strange faces and Ben does _not_ feel like being charming. He’d made them late for dinner, pouncing on her in the shower. He’d happily lost himself with his face between her thighs.

 

Rey’s relaxed smile tells him she didn’t really mind.

 

Stilted conversation surrounds them, as the seating had been designed to force the stormtroopers to sit with the officers. At their table is Tazzy, Captain Raan, and two stormtroopers he doesn’t yet know.

 

Tazzy is flirting outrageously with the captain and Ben can’t tell if there’s any real intent behind it or if it just delights her to make the officer uncomfortable. “So, what’s it like commanding a dreadnaught? Those great … big … cannons …” Tazzy’s eyebrows waggle suggestively.

 

Coughing, Captain Raan sits up straighter. “It’s quite a responsibility.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure it takes one hell of a woman to know how to handle something so … large.” Then Tazzy’s focus shifts to Rey. “Something you probably know all about, eh, Jedi?” She winks at Ben and Rey chokes on her food.

 

Ben is torn between preening in pride and hiding under the table. His face just remains blank.

 

“I mean, those sabers _are_ pretty _thick_ ,” Tazzy continues on her ribald streak.

 

Clearing his throat, Ben gives Tazzy a stern look. “If I might change the subject away from _weaponry_ and on to more sober topics. We need to know what we’re dealing with. Did any of you serve with Samuel Bren?”

 

One of the stormtroopers, whose name he’s yet to learn, pales and nods only slightly. The man is long and lean, with light skin and even lighter hair and eyes.

 

“What can you tell us?” Rey asks.

 

“I only served under him briefly. But that was enough.”

 

“Yes?” Rey prods.

 

“He’s … he’s not sane. I heard from others that he used to be the consummate officer, most of the time. But … he was always off. After his brother-” He stops himself and looks between Ben and Rey. “After his brother _died_ , he became almost unhinged. But … the remaining leadership thought his ties to General Hux … plus he’s a mesmerizing speaker … they thought he was someone the troops would rally behind. Some did. Most of us, though … most of us were just afraid of him.”

 

Ben sits back in his chair and rubs his chin for a moment. “That means the people who’ve stayed behind are the faithful and the terrified.”

 

“And the trapped,” Tazzy interjects.

 

“How so?” Ben asks.

 

“We were on one of those Star Destroyers that remained … loyal.” She says the last word with a sneer. “About a hundred of us, troopers and officers, we had to fight our way off to make it here.” Her normal careless manner has left her, she’s steely eyed and Ben sees why she was chosen as a representative.

 

The nameless stormtrooper has grown quite withdrawn, and Rey gently touches his upper arm. “What’s your name?”

 

“LM-192, ma’am.”

 

“What do you prefer to be called?”

 

He looks back up and says, “LM-192. I’ll select a true name once we’re all free.” There’s a core of strength to this man that would be easy to miss.

 

“If you were serving under Bren, how did you get here?” Rey asks softly. The whole table is listening intently.

 

“I escaped, stole a TIE and found other stormtroopers coming here. I left before the first broadcast. I couldn’t … I couldn’t stay, not with what was happening,” he admits with a hollow voice.

 

“And what … what was happening?” Captain Raan asks, her face tense and concerned.

 

LM-192 just shakes his head.

 

“We’ve been hearing things,” Captain Raan says quietly. “I didn’t … I didn’t give them any countenance.”

 

“Us too,” offers Tazzy.

 

With growing horror, Ben asks, “What kinds of things?”

 

\---

 

Rey paces their quarters. “We have to stop them.”

 

“I know. I know …” He’s sitting with his shoulders hunched and his head in his hands. It’s so much more horrific than he’d ever contemplated.

 

She keeps moving back and forth swiftly. “I didn’t think the First Order could be any worse, but …”

 

“I know!” Ben exclaims.

 

“They’re stealing women, forcing them to, to ... “

 

“Men too,” he reminds her, his voice tinged with revulsion.

 

“And no implants … assigning them to the loyal … breeding them … they’ll take their children!” Rey yells.

 

“Yes, they will,” he agrees flatly.  It’s probably seen as the true purpose of this reprehensible turn of events.

 

“And the raids … why don’t they just kill them, why do they … the way they’re torturing them to death …”

 

Ben rubs his eyes and whispers, “It’s as if every depraved thing the First Order did has been multiplied. I know … I know I’ve killed, but it was always quick and clean. And rape was strictly forbidden. It was a capital offense! This … I never imagined …”

 

Rey comes up behind him and wraps her arms around his neck. “They’ve descended into madness, keeping the worst in line through depravity and avarice. We have to stop them,” she says again.

 

“And we will. We’ll find them and we’ll stop them.”

 

He stands, turning to her, holding her close. Oh, gods, she’s trembling … how could he have ever served with men like this? He’d never thought Snoke’s rot could spread so far.

 

Ben lifts her face and kisses her softly.

 

He whispers against her lips, “I promise. I _promise_.”

  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare, who has been both an amazing editor as well as supportive friend this week. Thank you, luv.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who, in a stunning turn, got me a Star Fleet (yes, you read right) passport cover because I'm bifandom. He said it was time to mix up my treats just a little bit.
> 
> Thank you readers! I want to say that your comments are helping me so much right now. It's always hard to finish a story, and knowing that folks are still invested makes a huge difference. I'm ridiculously grateful to everyone for reading, kudo'ing, and commenting. *blows kisses to everyone*


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre rocks Darth Darcy's world, then the dresses arrive! Then of course, they both have to process what it means that neither of them will have parents at their wedding.

Rey rides him, hard, an intense fire in her eyes. He’s feeling _taken_. Maker, what’s gotten into her? Not that he’s complaining—oh stars, she’s taking him so deep!  

 

She’d woken him with her mouth, sucking on his length with an almost greedy urgency. At first he was confused. They’d fallen into a troubled sleep after the revelations of last night and he certainly wouldn’t have anticipated this!

 

But his confusion had quickly faded as she had pounced on him as soon as he was halfway awake, sliding on to him in one delicious stroke.

 

Now, he’d be hard pressed to remember his own name, her passion so total, so ferocious. Oh gods, he’s getting close, too soon! He starts to panic and closes his eyes, desperately picturing anything other than the utterly debauched image of Rey bouncing on his cock. Her perfect breasts, heaving so nicely, her gorgeous lips parted and panting for him … this isn’t helping.

 

Then Rey startles him when she snarls viciously, “No! Look at me!”

 

His eyes fly to hers at her command. She looks nearly feral, her eyes so dark with arousal.

 

“Don’t look away,” she orders.

 

He shakes his head and promises, “Never.”

 

“You, you’re _mine_. You’ll always be mine.”

 

Ben nods but she barks, “Say it!”

 

“I’m yours. Rey, only yours.”

 

“Mine,” she purrs.

 

Oh Force, he can’t hold on much longer with the punishing pace she’s set. She grinds herself lewdly down on the base of his hardness and his hands fist in the sheets. She feels so damned good, always so tight around him, her walls pulling undreamed of ecstasy from his core.

 

Even like this, fast, brutal, animal, it’s another aspect of their connection; like how their sabers had danced in the snow. It’s a different sort of battle, but somehow it’s also from the tether between their souls.

 

“I love you,” he cries out, frantically trying to stop the inevitable climb.

 

Her eyes soften and she slows slightly. But then she leans forward, bracing herself against his chest as she grasps him by the hair at the nape of his neck. “I love you. I will only ever love you.” Her voice’s possessive rumble belies the tenderness of her words.

 

She speeds up again and he can’t, he can’t stop the tide. Then on the down stroke, as she takes him as deeply as it’s possible to be from this angle, she bites down on the meat of his shoulder. That’s it, he’s gone.

 

He screams out his climax as his back bows, nearly throwing Rey off. Gods, he’s coming so hard it’s almost violent; his scream turns into a deep, guttural growl and his hand slams down on the bed.

 

His lungs can’t get enough oxygen and little points of light dance around Rey’s profoundly satisfied face.

 

“Yes,” she hisses. “Give it to me.”

 

Her hungry expression and final twist of her hips pulls one last burst from him and he gasps in shock.

 

“All of it, it’s mine. Just like you.”

 

When he can finally speak, he confirms, “Yes, just like me.” Pulling her down, he wraps her in his arms and asks, “What was that about?” Soon he’ll have her crying out his name, but first he has to make sure she’s alright. This was unusually … forward of her.

 

Rey shrugs and smiles coyly. “Did you like it?”

 

“Gods, Rey, I’ve never come so hard in my life. Yes, I liked it. But … you’ve never been so … uhm, forceful before.”

 

“I just … I was thinking about how close I came to losing you, that it’s not even remotely over yet, and I … I needed to make you mine, in every way I could.”

 

“Well, there’s no doubt about that.” He almost reminds her about their marriage, but he knows that for Rey, they’re completely sealed together already.

 

“You’re sure you didn’t mind?”

 

“Oh, no. I hope you’ll do it again. Or maybe I’ll have to turn the tables,” he says, leering. He’s been a bit cautious about letting himself go to that place, a little afraid of the violence that still lives inside of him. But now that’s she’s crossed that line for them, he’s eager to discover more and more with Rey.

 

“Mmm, I’d like that,” she says pulling herself off of him.

 

She’s shifting to his side when he says, “Oh, no, precious girl. I have plans for you.”

 

Without wasting a moment he hauls her up his body.

 

Making a little squeal of surprise, she exclaims, “What-”

 

“I want to try something different,” is all he offers as he continues to maneuver her. “Sit up, put your knees on either side of my head.”

 

“Uhm, okay,” she says, sounding a bit shy. While she’d been in total control and a creature of lust and instinct she’d been full of confidence, but now her eyes flash with caution.

 

“Wait, you want me to-”

 

“Sit on my face, Rey. Let me take care of you. Brace your hands on the wall.” One of the particularly detailed books had suggested that.

 

Before she moves from sitting on his chest, she looks at him inquisitively. “Where did you learn about this?”

 

Right now, he has no wish whatsoever to explain about his books, so he grabs her by her bottom and pulls her gorgeous sex to his hungry mouth. The quick movement makes her lose her balance and she’s forced to catch herself with the wall. If she’d just listened to him …

 

But then they’re both focused entirely on what Ben’s doing with his tongue. This … this is delectable, a whole new feast of sensation. Gravity pulls her clit down, making it much easier to latch on and _suck_.

 

Their mingled desire covers his chin and there’s something about this position that makes him feel engulfed entirely by Rey. All he can taste is Rey, all he can smell is Rey, all he can see is Rey.

 

Humming happily, he finds her preferred rhythm and loses himself to the cadence of her moans and cries of bliss.

 

She was already close when he started and he’s almost disappointed when she starts to get louder, her hips pushing down on his face, seeking more friction. Ben had wanted this to _last_. But, he responds to her urging by pressing more firmly with his tongue and her thighs begin to close around his ears.

 

Nearly as excited as she is, his belly twists in pleasure.

 

“Ben, I’m so close. Oh sweet mother of-oh, oh, oh, Ben!” she wails as she shatters all over his face.

 

Yes, yes, _yes_ … He slows, gentling his laps so that it’s not too intense as she rides out her orgasm, rocking herself against his tongue. He loves how much she can participate this way. Oh yes, they will revisit this.

 

Grasping her by the waist, he helps her take her place at his side. Once she’s nestled into him, he swipes his mouth with his hand regretfully. He rather likes being covered in them, but he wants to kiss her.

 

She beats him to it, kissing him long and tenderly. “Ben, that was amazing. Seriously, where do you get all these ideas?”

 

Sighing, Ben accepts Rey just always has to know. So he admits, “I read. A great deal. Both academic texts as well as more … practical instructions. There may have also been a holo, or two.”

 

Rey grins at him. “You read books to find out how to … uhm …”

 

“Look after you properly? Yes, I did. Just because I hadn’t been with anyone didn’t mean I had to resign myself to being completely inept,” he says a touch defensively.

 

“Well you clearly don’t need to worry about _that_ ,” she says emphatically.

 

“Does that mean I _please_ you?” he asks in a teasing tone.

 

“Gods, Ben, how can you even ask that? You make my eyes cross multiple times a day.”

 

Ben preens under her praise and thinks that at least he doesn’t need the Force for that!

 

Rey yawns and Ben realizes he has no idea what time it is so he checks the chrono, finding it very early in the morning. They could get another few hours of sleep. Then he cringes.

 

“You realize we probably woke up the whole corridor?”

 

Rey just shrugs. “Right now I honestly don’t care.” Her eyes are drooping and he gathers her close, kissing her temple.

 

“Sleep, my love.”

 

“Mmmhmmm,” she acknowledges, already halfway there.

 

Her even breathing brings him along with her in minutes.

 

\---

 

“Look who managed to make it to breakfast on time!” Poe teases. “Trouble in paradise?”

 

Before Ben can formulate a response, Tazzy guffaws. “No, trust me. If hearing this one bellow ‘Rey’ in the middle of the night—over and over and over again—is any indication, everything is _just_ fine. I thought they’d scream the whole ship down.”  

 

“I told you they’d heard us,” Ben grumbles into Rey’s ear.

 

But instead of embarrassed, Rey looks speculative. “Interesting … you aren’t quartered in our section. But Captain Raan _is_ ,” she says pointedly.

 

Tazzy grins widely. “Huh, well isn’t that a coincidence.”

 

“Uh huh,” Rey responds, looking a tad smug.

 

Ben is just grateful that Raan hasn’t appeared at breakfast thus far. He suspects the reserved captain would be mortified to have her personal life fodder for conversation. He can empathize.

 

“Well, now that we’ve all had our fun, perhaps we should actually eat. We have a great deal to accomplish today.”

 

Word had travelled fast once he’d updated Shree and TL on the horrific state of the remnants of the First Order and Analyst Bast is already compiling data from all of their new allies in an attempt to find a trail to their location.

 

The Coalition’s hope is to track them down quickly and end this with a decisive battle. They’re outmanned and outgunned. The only advantage Samuel Bren has is brutality; he’ll be willing to take steps that the Coalition will not. It’s Ben’s greatest concern, that this reprehensible splinter will do something grotesque before they find them.

 

\---

 

“Hey, kid!” Lando strides onto the bridge, his swagger and charming grin on display as always.

 

“Welcome back, Lando. How was your trip?” Thankfully, Rey is with Kes, working on details for their upcoming sojourn to Jakku.

 

“Uneventful and a grand success.” Lando looks around and smiles conspiratorially when he finds Rey isn’t there. “I’d forgotten just how gorgeous they are. Where do you want them delivered?”

 

Ben checks the time. He has just under two hours until Rey will be finished with her planning meeting. Perfect!

 

“Our quarters. Actually, I’ll oversee it myself.” Even with the difficult news of the state of the remnants of the First Order, he’s still impossibly excited to see the look on her face when she sees the collection. She might not have much experience with finery, but he’d noticed how she’d softly smile to herself when his mother would dress her up.

 

For a moment, Ben’s eagerness fades as it hits him that his mother won’t be at their wedding. He has to push away the reason for his father’s absence.

 

“What is it, Ben?” Lando asks in that oddly perceptive way that he has.

 

“I just … I was thinking about my mother … and my father.”

 

Lando sucks in a long breath and lays a supportive had on his shoulder. “I may not go in for that Force business, and I know you’re just like the rest of us now, but … I do believe they’re with you, right now. They love you, they always will. And when you make an honest woman out of your girl, they’ll be watching. Your old man’ll probably cry. He was a sucker for weddings.”

 

Ben’s brows go up swiftly. He’d never seen his father cry. Lando chuckles at his stunned expression.

 

“Oh, yeah. Big ole softie, your dad. He used to blame your mother for his romance holonovels.”

 

“Those were _his_?” Ben exclaims.

 

“Every single last one of ‘em.” The amusement bleeds out of Lando’s eyes leaving a deep sorrow. “I can’t pretend to know what it’s like for you … with what you did. And I won’t lie and say that I forgive you. Some things are just outside of forgiveness. But I know you. And I knew your dad. I’m as sure as I am that the Falcon is the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy that he wouldn’t even think of it in terms of forgiveness. _You are his son_. That’s all that matters.”

 

Lando holds his gaze for a long time, his eyes full of compassion and his words searing into his soul. Can it be so simple? What he did is outside of forgiveness and his father wouldn’t see it that way anyway. Han Solo never cared much for morality.

 

Mirroring Land’s position, he places his own hand on the other man’s shoulder firmly. “And he is my father.”

 

A slow smile spreads across Lando’s face. “There you go, kid. All caught up.”

 

Ben feels like he can take a full breath for the first time since Starkiller.

 

\---

 

There’s a flurry of activity in their quarters as he instructs workers on unpacking the dresses. While the rooms have an almost stark decor, now they’re a riot of color and brilliant jewels. Every imaginable fabric and tone is accounted for and he’s certain Rey will find something that pleases her.

 

His grandmother had been a few inches shorter than Rey, but she’d also been given to wearing high-heeled shoes. While he’s seen Rey in dresses before, he’s never once scene her wear anything but shoes she can fight in, so he thinks the fit will be just right, as Padme had been quite slim. However, just to be safe, he’s requisitioned a tailoring droid.

 

It’s almost time and the workers are nearly finished hanging the gowns. It looks like one of the shops his mother frequented and Ben is rather proud of himself. He’s managed to bring a high-end Coruscant boutique to Rey—Maker, he hopes she doesn’t think it’s too much.

 

Ushering everyone out so that it will just be Rey and himself, he closes the door and paces nervously. There have been so few opportunities to court her during their strange relationship and he desperately needs to show her with actions how much she means to him; that her happiness is the most important thing to him. He plans on spending their lives together making up for the deprivation of her childhood and this is just the beginning.

 

\---

 

When Rey enters their quarters she stands completely still, saying nothing. But her eyes are huge and her lips parted. He stands nervously, waiting for her to say something.

 

Eventually, she looks at him and shakily asks, “Ben?”

 

“Hello, sweetheart … these are my grandmother’s gowns. I thought … I thought you might like to pick one. For the wedding.”

 

“These were your grandmother’s?” she asks, still seeming nonplussed. Blinking, she continues, “All of these?”

 

“Yes. My mother saved them … she said she’d hoped to give them to a granddaughter someday, but I know she’d want you to have whatever you like. I know she loved you as much as she would her own daughter.”

 

Completely without warning, Rey bursts into tears and Ben goes to her swiftly, gathering her to him. “Rey, oh, Rey …”

 

Her fingers curl into his tunic and she sobs, “I just miss her so much.”

 

“I know, my love.”

 

“I-I’d always imagined what h-having a m-mother might be like, and sh-she …”

 

“She showed you.”

 

Rey nods into his chest and he soothes his hands up and down her back. She cries softly and he just holds her.

 

Eventually she whispers, “I’m sorry.”

 

“No, don’t apologize. I’ll always hold you when you cry, remember?”

 

“I do, I know. I meant … I’m sorry she died saving me.”

 

Quickly, he takes her by the shoulders and shifts her so that he can look into her eyes. “No. Never apologize for that. Never again. That was my mother’s choice and we can’t take that from her. She knew … she knew that you were, you _are_ , my future. She will always be my mother, but you are the other half of my soul.”

 

“But, she might be alive if-”

 

“No, Rey. Don’t do this. It happened. My mother died as she lived, fighting for the greater good. Let us honor her, not drown in guilt.”

 

“I just wish … I wish she was here. We talked about a wedding once, she teased me about taking me dress shopping … so, in a way, I guess she has.” Rey’s tears have stopped, and she’s smiling a small, sad smile.

 

“Yes, she has. And though we have no parents to share this with, my family will be there the only way they can. I may not be able to feel it, but I know they’re here, in the Force. And your family, your chosen family, will be there.”

 

She looks startled for a moment but then she’s truly smiling. “You’re right. They are my family, aren’t they?”

 

“Yes, they are. Never doubt how loved you are.”

 

“But, you know, don’t you? That you’re my true family? You, me, and whatever children come. Even if we never have a baby, you’re all the family I need.”

 

Ben’s throat tightens and he can’t speak through the fear he’ll be the one to start crying. That’s all he’s ever truly wanted. To be her family, to heal that wound, to stand by her side and be her support and her protection.

 

Finally, he’s able to cup her face with his hands and breathe out, “Thank you.”

 

She looks at him questioningly.

 

“To be your family, Rey … I don’t even know how to tell you what that means to me, just … thank you.” He presses his lips to her forehead and loses himself in her clean scent and warm closeness.

 

After a moment of silence, Rey murmurs, “You were right, you know.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m not alone … you’re not alone. Not anymore.”

 

“Never again,” he sighs out, wrapping her ever closer.

 

“Never again.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ArtemisBare! She is a speed demon and the dearest of friends.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has just taken a job that will have him traveling Monday through Friday. We're both pretty nervous, but are consoling ourselves with the awesome vacation we'll get to take with all the miles and points he's bound to accrue.
> 
> Thank you Readers! I'm so sorry it's been two weeks since I last updated. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I hope I'm back in my groove. Thank you for sticking with me!


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Eyre picks out a dress! Wedding plans are made!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for using this space for non-fic, but if you're going to be at Star Wars Celebration, I'm organizing a **Reylo Reception on Saturday, April 13** in the late afternoon/early evening. Before I can book a space/caterer I need to know how many people to expect (this event will be free). Please take a moment to let me know if you think you can come!
> 
> Click [here](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/F6TJWB6) to get to the survey.

“Now, I’ll leave you to pick out your dress,” he says as he pulls away from her. Part of him wants to spend the whole day wrapped around her, but he’s eager for her to select her gown. It’s one more step closer to vowing his life to her.

 

“What? You’re not staying?” she asks, real disappointment marring her lovely features.

 

“Uh,” he stammers. It’s then he realizes she probably has no idea about Alderaanian _or_ Chandrilan wedding customs. “Well, in the Core it’s traditional that the groom not see the bride’s dress until the event itself.”

 

“Why?” she asks, a perplexed crinkle in her brow.

 

“I … I honestly don’t know,” he admits.

 

“Well, I’d rather you stayed. What if I pick out something you don’t like?”

 

He shakes his head and his lips quirk into a small smile. “You really have no idea, do you?” he asks with a touch of awe.

 

“About what?”

 

“Rey, if you’re wearing it, I’ll love it. I would marry you in literally anything.”

 

She ducks her head and his heart swells. He loves it when he manages to make her shy. It’s an echo of the girlishness that Jakku never managed to stamp out and he steps closer to her. Lifting her chin, he holds her eyes for a moment. They swirl with glints of gold and green and he’s not sure he’s ever seen anything as hypnotic.

 

Clearing his throat, he says, “If you want me to stay, of course I will.”

 

Beaming, she says, “I’m glad. I know I’ve said getting married doesn’t really change anything … but I do … I do want it to be special.”

 

“Oh, it will be, my love.” He leans over and kisses her softly but with all of his adoration in his touch. After a few moments of tasting each other, she lets out a contented sigh and pulls back.

 

Turning from him, she takes in all of the glowing confections hanging about their quarters. Hesitantly, she starts to walk towards the closest gown. It’s a red velvet with fur trim and an elaborate piece for her head. Privately, he rather hates it, but he really did mean it that Rey will look beautiful in anything.

 

Her fingers glide over the sumptuous fabric and she smiles. “Until I left Jakku, I never even knew something could be so soft. It’s lovely, but it’s not really me, is it?”

 

“No … it’s a bit … ostentatious,” he offers cautiously. He remembers how touchy his mother could be about her clothes.

 

Then she wanders over to a long, white lace gown and he starts as he realizes it’s his grandmother’s wedding dress. The tangle of conflicting feelings cascades through him. Though he knows his grandparents loved each other deeply, he does _not_ want to follow in their footsteps.

 

Rey fingers the fine lace then pulls it off the rack and holds it up in front of her as she looks in the mirror. The cream color looks beautiful against her faded sun-kissed skin and Ben decides if she wants this one, he won’t ruin it for her. He has absolute faith that nothing could ever turn him from his bride.

 

But then she frowns. “This is exquisite, but it feels … wrong, somehow. There’s something, almost as if the Force doesn’t like it.”

 

He’s able to avoid thinking too much about his loss, but the stark reminder that she can still hear the whispers of the galaxy hurts. The insecurity booms loudly in his head as he wonders for the thousandth time if he’s cruel to bind her to him in his half-state. Once he was her equal in the Force and now … now he can only leave his meager offerings at her alter.

 

But Rey has said she doesn’t care and he must trust her. He _does_ trust her. She’s made it _abundantly_ clear that she still loves him just as he is and he won’t dishonor her devotion by continually questioning it. His whole life he’s felt unworthy, but when Rey looks at him, touches him, she makes him feel like a king among men and he refuses to ever change that look she gets in her eyes.

 

“Oh!” she exclaims, making a beeline to a dress; he can’t see her until he steps around the rack. Oh. Well this is awkward. He hadn’t realized Lando had brought the nightgowns as well and he wishes he’d noticed. Her eyes are glowing as she strokes a blue silk piece, meant to be worn over the matching slip.

 

“Look at this! It’s perfect! I love the color and it’s not nearly as elaborate as the others.”

 

“Well, there’s a reason for that … you see … it’s a nightgown,” he offers stiltedly.

 

Her brows go together and she shrugs. “So? It’s pretty.”

 

“I ...“ How does he explain that everyone would know? To her it’s just beautiful fabric. Then he decides he doesn’t give a flying Gamorrean if it’s not appropriate. Rey can wear whatever she damned well likes. Besides, it’s not like she’ll be wearing it for long … “If you like it, I think it’s wonderful.”

 

She gets a pensive look on her face and puts it back. “Maybe I should look some more, make sure I’m not missing something I would like more,” she muses.

 

“Once a scavenger, always a scavenger,” he teases without thinking. Panic wells in his chest. The last thing he wants to do is make her feel demeaned.

 

But then she’s grinning broadly. “I always found the best parts. I don’t give up easily.”

 

“No … you certainly don’t.” His love is fierce. She certainly should have given up on _him_ by now, but instead she holds on with both hands and shows him every day that he can be better.

 

“I love you so much, Rey,” he declares fervently.

 

Smiling softly, she responds quietly, “I know. You make sure I know every moment of every day.”

 

“Good … good.”

 

\---

 

Rey hadn’t been kidding about not giving up.

 

She’s managed to look at every single dress as far as he can tell. There’d been a black dress with threads of silver that had held her attention for quite some time. It’s not exactly what one would typically select for a wedding, but he can't deny he’d adore to see how it would hug her curves. But, ultimately, she’d set it aside.

 

There had also been a golden dress with intricate embroidery that would show off her smooth shoulders. He’d adored that one, knowing the bodice would look divine on her slim figure. It didn’t hurt that it had a piece for her hair that mimicked one of his mother’s favorite hair styles. He’d opted not to think about _that_ too closely. But again, she’d shaken her head and put it back, only remarking, “It’s too complicated for me.”

 

Once she’d explained, he understood why she’d been drawn to the nightgown and he’d wondered if maybe he should have simply had a few dresses made expressly for her. It’s then he understood that he’d done this for himself, as well. He wants his family to be part of their wedding, in some small way. The cutting sense of loss had been quickly pushed away.

 

“Oh! Come here!”

 

He’s lost sight of her and wanders through the rows of dresses, finding her holding a gauzy fabric gown that shifts from a pale yellow to a light lavender.

 

“This,” she breathes out reverently. “This is the one.”

 

She holds it out to him and he sees just how beautiful it really is. This dress will also show her shapely shoulders, and though it won’t cling to her form, he can already imagine how it will flow down her body.

 

“It reminds me of the sunsets on Jakku …” she murmurs.

 

He cocks his head in surprise. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d want the reminder.”

 

Her face takes on a melancholy cast and her eyes grow wistful. “It was still my home. I know I told myself it wasn’t, that I was only waiting, but … I’d like … I’d like to remember what was good about it.”

 

“I understand … I feel the same way about Chandrila.” She looks a bit confused and he clarifies, “Where I was born.”

 

A thought occurs to him and he goes up to her, taking the dress from her hands and hanging it again. “We haven’t talked about where we’re going to have the ceremony. I had just assumed it would be here on the ship, but … it doesn’t have to be. Would you … would you like to get married on Jakku?”

 

Rey flinches. “No … I do have some good memories, I really do … but I never let myself be one of them. I want to help them, I truly do, but I don’t want to start our lives where I was enslaved. Besides, it’s a bit far; I don’t want to take everyone away from the fleet for that long. We _are_ at war, still.”

 

“Hmm,” he says with a frown. Now that he’s thinking about it, he finds he _would_ prefer to marry her with his feet on solid grown, but he supposes it doesn’t matter.

 

“What about Chandrila?” she asks quickly. “It’s a quick jump from here and … and it would be a way to … well, have your family with us. In a way.”

 

At first he doesn’t like the idea, though he can’t really determine _why_. But then he thinks of the calm, clear blue sea and the few memories he has of his family being _happy_. How on rare days his parents would take him to play in the waves and he finds himself smiling. Rey loves the ocean.

 

“There’s a beach, one my parents would bring me to when I was a boy … we could-”

 

“I’d love that!” she squeaks excitedly. “At sunset. I always watched the sun go down on Jakku, the sky would turn these beautiful colors. It was the only time I really got to see anything but the color of sand.”

 

“Then that’s what we’ll do. Now, try on the dress to see if it needs to be altered,” he instructs.

 

“Nuh uh. I’ve been thinking and I want the first time you see me wearing it to be when we get married.”

 

Ben makes a disappointed face. He’d been looking forward to gliding his hands along her hips, feeling her through the silk. But then he realizes it would be nicely traditional for him to not truly know what she’ll look like in the voluminous gown. “Well then. I’ll send in the tailoring droid and go find Shree to make the arrangements.”

 

She surprises him when she jumps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, peppering his face with kisses. “I can’t wait to be your wife!” she shrieks.

 

Raising an eyebrow he says, “I thought you didn’t care about all this?”

 

“I’m beginning to see the point of it all. What it means to choose each other like this. Turns out I kinda like the idea of saying, ‘he’s mine,’ in front of everyone,” she says with a quirk to her lips.

 

“Well I certainly _am_ yours.”

 

Then she’s kissing him deeply and he decides to take a few minutes before he goes to find Shree.

 

\---

 

“Shree,” he calls out as he enters the bridge. But her grim face stops him in his tracks. “What, what is it?”

 

“The First Order, we just received word that they attacked Ilaria two days ago. It was targeted and quick. Not to mention brutal. They destroyed Ginya City and made off with at least 5,000 prisoners. Men, women, babies. They killed the children,” Shree says somberly.

 

His stomach roils at the implications. Babies can be raised as effective stormtroopers; adults can be used to breed. But children … Why not just leave them behind? Why did they have to _kill_ them?

 

Scrubbing his face with his hands he lets out a sad sigh. “Well that confirms it. They’re attempting to rebuild the stormtrooper program. But it will take them _years_. I don’t understand.”

 

“Neither do I. I would have thought they would try to recruit soldiers.”

 

Ben nods his head. “Anything else?”

 

“Yes, they managed to commandeer Ilaria’s defensive fleet. It wasn’t much, but they now have an additional fifteen vessels, 3 of which are heavy cruisers.”

 

“Damn. Where does that leave us?”

 

“We still outgun them 2 to 1, but if they keep doing this …” Shree’s hands gesture widely.

 

“Yes.” Ben nods with pursed lips. “Do we have _any_ idea where they are?”

 

“We’re working on it, but they hit fast and hard. We haven’t received any new sightings since the attack. But Analyst Bast thinks he’s finding a pattern. It’s only a matter of time.”

 

“And more attacks,” Ben grumbles.

 

“Sadly, yes,” Shree agrees. She looks down with anguish pulling at her lips, but then her face clears and she meets his eyes. “What did you need?”

 

“Ah, well … this feels a bit inappropriate now, but I wanted to talk to you about the wedding …”

 

\---

 

Standing in their quarters Ben looks out on the stars streaking by in the blue of hyperspace and thinks about how completely everything has changed. In just a two days he’ll be marrying Rey. They’re en route to Chandrila now and it has the side benefit of making a show of good faith to the survivors of the Hosnian System.

 

The wedding is all planned and now all he has to do is wait. The joy he feels when he thinks about it is nearly overpowering. It’s as if his soul just can’t hold that much _feeling_. But … it’s in the midst of such turmoil. For a moment he wonders if it wouldn’t be better to wait, but that idea dies quickly. He’s waited long enough—needed long enough. He’d told Rey that he chose her, and now he has the opportunity to show her the truth of those words.

 

The way the First Order has gone, it’s impossible for him to ignore that the rot was always there. It was Rey who made him begin to see, but it’s their own behavior that has truly opened his eyes. Yes, it had been regimented, controlled, a well-oiled machine marching through the galaxy. But beneath the shining decks and crisp uniforms there had always been evil as its foundation.

 

How could it _not_ have been? Birthed from the Empire, led by the dark … it was always bound towards a grim end.

 

Because his mother had always been right. Hope, hope is the underpinning of the galaxy. No matter how hard you try to stamp it out, the light will always rally, will always find a way. You cannot have dark without light. Just as you cannot have light without dark.

 

The folly has _always_ been the hubris of thinking one could win over the other. Balance, it’s always been about balance.

 

Is that why the Force demanded his sacrifice? Because here they are, one with the Force, the other without. He with the knowledge, her with the tools. Together, if he doesn’t press her to be either dark or light … perhaps that is the answer.

 

It doesn’t hurt so much, being without the Force. So much of who he thought he was, thought was connected to the Force … isn’t. He still feels like himself. He still feels the same way about Rey, he’s still deeply conflicted about his family … in fact … in a way it’s like Rey said. He lost a limb, but he can still have purpose, agency, usefulness.

 

And who knows … without the Force he might never have fallen so far. Become so lost, so _broken_. He knows for a fact his father would still be alive.

 

His father … now that he’s lost the Force, he’s had to see just how much he has in common with Han Solo. His father had also tried to deny the light within him, but had ultimately helped lead the Rebellion to victory. He hadn’t been able to avoid what was _right_ either.

 

Walking over to their sitting area, he sits heavily in his chair and laughs mirthlessly. _Now_ he’d like to talk with Luke Skywalker, but without the Force it’s impossible. But he’s sure his meddlesome uncle is still watching and he wonders … could Luke hear _him_?

 

“You know, Luke, I wouldn’t mind talking to you again, now that I can’t. You at least could tell my father how sorry I am. Tell him that I’ve finally seen why it all happened the way it did. I’m not that lost boy any longer.”

 

Ben lets out a long, sad breath. “I know he didn’t leave _me_. It was never about me at all. I was just too young to understand …”

 

He looks over to where Rey usually sits and his eyes fill with sadness. His family, they’d all touched her in some way or another. “Well, Luke, on the off chance you can hear me, even if I can’t hear you … I’m glad all of you met Rey. She’s … she’s unlike any being I’ve ever known and I know for a fact I’d be drowning in pain and hatred by now if it wasn’t for her. Stars, I’d probably be dead. She … she saved me. Please … please, if you can hear me … tell my parents … tell them I’m … I’m okay. I’m finally okay.”

 

Quietly he admits, “And … if it means anything to you … Uncle. I forgive you.”

 

He jumps when a vase falls over, but then the _Finalizer_ shudders out of hyperspace. That’s all it was, then.

 

Wasn’t it?

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been such a long time. 'Powerless' was easier to write for a while there but I'm going to be alternating again. I really want to finish this bad boy!
> 
> Thank you to my lovely ArtemisBare for her continuous help!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who wore his Reylo shirt to the Star Wars themed Carnival parade here in New Orleans.
> 
> Thank you Readers! I'm so glad you're still here!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you very much for reading! I'm very grateful for your time. Come say hi on tumblr, perrydowning.


End file.
